The door bell rings shaking me up from my tiredness. I haven't slept well last night thinking about how my reaction should be in front of him. Shanon, my cousin and my best friend since we were babies, was dumped by his girlfriend. And I can't hide the fact that I'm happy about that.

The door bell sounds again and I hurry to open it. I'm taken into a bear hug the instant he sees me. Shanon, the boy I call my best friend, the one I have feelings for, engulfs me in his arms and I find myself diving deeper into his scent. I let myself put my arms around his neck and a shiver runs down my spine as he snuggles deeper into my long brown hair.

"I missed you Josy." he says as he pulls away, grabs his suitcase and I let him in and close the door behind him.

"I freaking miss you too Shany." I say laughing at the use of our childhood nicknames, as we make our way through the living room to my room upstairs.

"Where is everyone?" He scans the house for the sign of another human being.

"My parents have some errands to run and Julie is out with her boyfriend."

"Oh, she has a boyfriend? Since when?" I tell him that he asked her multiple times and she only recently decided to give him a shot. He nods but seems a bit off.

"Okay Shany, first of all you need to get rid of that sad face because it makes you look ugly and gives you wrinkles," he lets out a short exhale like a laughter. "and tell me everything."

We lay on my wide bed and look at our figures in the ceiling mirror, it's one of the reasons I love my room so much. It's a large mirror reflecting the whole bed. I take his hand in mine, like we always do, and give him a weak smile with a squeeze.

"This new girl moved to our high school last year. Katie was beautiful without even trying. And she soon became popular because of her looks and her feistiness. Everyone wished to be with her. Including me. I knew I was starting to fall for her when I'd caught myself  stealing glances when she's around and looking around for her when I couldn't find her. She was the head cheerleader but it wasn't hard to get to talk with her because I'm friends with the captains of the teams and they were her friends as well. I didn't want to rush things, I asked her for a date at first and she said yes. Then we texted a lot and met daily at school, so I asked her to be my girlfriend. We were happy together and we got along really well. We always had the weekend to ourselves. A week before graduation, she broke it off in front of everyone, saying it's not meant to be.
Later on, one of her friends told me that she has never had a boyfriend for more than a school year, she treats her boyfriends like school bags and that it's
already senior year so we would be changing paths anyway." he says as he looks at me through the mirror, his brows creasing down in frustration.

"This is not fair! I thought we were grown ups and I was acting like one, I was even thinking of making further steps. I was planning and didn't realize we aren't at the same page. Is there anything wrong with me Josy?" His voice goes up a bit, like he wants to yell but he doesn't.

I avert my gaze to my cousin lying next to me. He looks down after his confession, his hand still entangled with mine. His eyes bear a sad wave of blue, one that breaks my heart just thinking someone didn't appreciate his efforts. His usually light blue eyes are a shade darker, accentuating the few freckles that cover his cheeks which compliment his fair skin color. His dirty brown eyebrows furrow further down revealing the anger forming in his mind.

I draw closer to him, supporting my weight on my elbow and give him a peck on the lips, taking my time when I feel the warmth of the connection. My lips stay close to his longer than I intended for them and I shiver when he finally breathes next to my mouth. His lips are dry but sweet as honey. The feeling was foreign but I feel a tingling sensation running throughout my body. He doesn't pull away but when I do, he looks at me confused.

"What was that for?"

I blink in confusion. I had certainly lost my mind, maybe left it downstairs or something. It's true that me and my cousin kissed before, it was playful as telling a joke and we only did it to always  remind ourselves that we both had an amazing first kiss with an amazing person. It would be like a central memory to look up to. Maybe that's why I kissed him, to remove any prints of a stupid girl.

"Just for the hell of it, like the good old days. I love you Shanon Matthew Berkley. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and no one will ever make you feel shit about yourself. Get that through your head." I ruffle his soft blond waves and rest my hand on his cheek and start pinching playfully.

He has a large grin all over his pretty face and I wonder if it's because I reassured him or because of the kiss.

"You're the best, you know that?" he finally says, taking me into another hug.

••••••

Time passes like a blink of an eye and we go in the kitchen. Shanon is sitting at one of the stools facing the wall-sized window.

"So when is your family coming?" I ask, flipping the last omelette on the stove.

"By the end of next week. You know Chad still has exams. My mom will call aunt Spencer today to tell her that I'll be staying here."

"You know you don't have to worry about that." I put the top layer of the hamburger on and place a plate in front of him as I sit down facing him with my plate. "Like my parents would ever say no to you!" I giggle. "We can go camping like the old times, we can watch movies till dawn or we can reenact our old scenarios of being parents." he starts munching on his food and gets lost in it. He finishes it soon and starts sipping from his banana strawberry flavored smoothie absent-mindedly. He only notices I'm staring at him after a few seconds.

"Shany, I want you to have the summer of your life. Look, I know it's your first relationship and you thought it would be special but we all are going to go through some ups and downs at one point of our lives. Shit happens but it's a matter of time and then it'll pass and everything will be alright again. Try to take it out of your mind, and you'll see, you won't remember her by the end of next week." he plays with the straw between his fingers.

"You're right but I'm only pissed because I had high hopes for this relationship. I thought we were in love and it was going to work out and that she would be my prom date."

"You're too good for her. That bitch lost a genuine person for life. Look at the bright side, there are literally millions of girls out there. Your soul mate might've just kissed her boyfriend , but when the time comes, she'll be yours and you'll eventually be together forever." he chuckles to that and his face brightens up.

"You know what? You're right, I don't need someone like her in my life. She did me a favor actually, it's summertime, I don't have time for a girlfriend."

"That's my boy! You deserve a lot better." you deserve me, my brain raves. "Someone who loves you deeply and wants the best for you. Someone who gets scared for you just for the mere thought of you getting hurt. Someone who is ready to protect you and love you no matter what."

"Thank you Josy, you always calm me down" he cuts my bubble of dreams. "Now tell me about you, what's up?"

"Nothing interesting to tell. Same old, same old. School every day, dancing club on Friday, and I pretty much disconnect from the world on the weekend. I'm glad school's out."

"No I know that, I mean tell me what's up on the love side. You promised you'd tell me everything once you're taken."

"Once I'm taken, I'll tell you everything." he giggles on me mimicking his words.

"Oh come on. You can tell me. You're almost a senior now. Don't tell me you're still single like a pringle." he sips the last bit of his smoothie, making an annoying noise that makes me swat at him.

"No I promise I'm not seeing anyone." I say as I start sipping from mine. "I'm not the dating type." mainly because I'm interested in you, my brain adds.

"Okay but don't forget our deal though!" he winks, taking the plates from the table and goes to the sink to wash them, as the gentleman he is.

"Of course I won't! And Shany, turning eighteen doesn't mean that I should give my v-card away." it's my turn to wink at him, but thank God he's not facing me because I feel my cheeks turn red.

This might sound crazy, because we both are, but we agreed to share our "first time" experience with the other as soon as it happens, just so to know what to expect and not feel awkward. I'm glad I can talk without a filter and tell him anything, especially that my family is quite strict and I don't think I'll be able to open up to my mom about anything similar.

"Fair enough." he giggles, finishing the dishes and taking a seat back in front of me.

"How about you now?" I lean forward, tilting my head on the right at him. I find myself wishing he didn't do it too. I know that he only had one girlfriend in his life but I'm not blind to see that he's worth drooling over and he can get any girl he likes. You can say he's aesthetically pleasing to look at.

"I mean it's hard to resist this beauty," he points to his face grinning and I gently stomp on his foot under the table. "ouch, okay, okay. I'm still V as fuck."

With that, we both laugh and continue to discuss our plans for the week, and I try my best not to stare at him for too long.

This is another summer where I'm selfish enough to keep holding hands with him and sleep in the same bed and not tell him a word about what's on my mind.

I've thought about changing and distancing myself from him, but it will only complicate things. He's my cousin after all, I'll see him in gatherings and family events... So playing along with it is the best choice. Heck, I get to have free hugs and kisses from the love of my life.

But will that last forever?