SEVENTEEN. 

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I could not figure out why my pencil still wouldn't move. That time, instead of me drawing without realizing it, the page before me was unbearably blank and seemed to taunt me with how empty it was. My hand clenched my pencil so tightly I was sure it would eventually snap in half. A headache was starting to form from how I kept trying to force ideas into my head, which obviously wasn't working.

"Alright," Minho sighed from where he was working on his Map for the day. He had been using my mess of a dresser as a makeshift desk, having shoved aside the clutter enough for him to draw. I looked up at him as he stood from the chair he had brought in the room. "Your brain is going to combust if you stare at that paper any more intently. What's up?"

"I can't draw," I grumbled, feeling the childish desire to throw my sketchbook across the room. The urge to tug at my hair presented itself. It was one of my frustrated habits.

"Maybe I can help," Minho offered, then collapsed on my bed. He propped his head up with his arm and bent one leg in a model pose. "I can be your muse."

I shook my head and chuckled at his antics. But before I could reply, my door opened and Frypan came in. He took one look at Minho's pose and shook his head with a bewildered expression.

"I don't even want to know about what I just interrupted," he said, walking further inside until I could see a plate in his hand and a water bottle in the other. "A snack, as requested."

I closed my sketchbook and tucked it between me and the wall to my left. Minho moved so he was laying relatively normally, his legs half-supported on my bed and his elbow propping the top half of him up. He seemed to eye me curiously.

"You didn't have to bring it to me, Fry," I said, feeling guilty about him coming here to deliver my food. "I could've gotten it myself."

"Now you have to pay me back." Frypan shrugged and handed the warm plate to me. He set the water bottle beside me on the dresser, where it dripped condensation onto the splintery wood. "You are welcome."

I smiled at him and took the plate. "Thanks."

Minho watched him go, eyes following the Cook's every movement until he shut the door behind him when he left. Then he adjusted himself so he was scooting closer to me in some sort of army crawl.

"Why are you getting food before dinner?" he questioned as his eyes swept over my plate of mashed potatoes. "Do you have some sort of potato fetish?"

I scoffed (which was more like blowing air out of my nose quickly) and swallowed before responding. "No. My leg was just hurting ever since yesterday, so I asked if he could serve me more portions with that bone-mending stuff from the Creators."

"Did you strain yourself too much at the Banishing?" Minho asked skeptically. When my gaze drifted away from him, he scolded me. "Nadia. Why didn't you tell me?"

I shrugged and pushed the potatoes around my plate with my fork. "Didn't wanna worry you. Besides, I'll be okay."

"Nope, too late. I'm worrying."

"I'm fine."

"And I'm Albert Einstein. Except I'm not, and you're not fine."

I decided to not respond and instead shovel a large bite into my mouth so I didn't have to. Minho huffed and shook his head before placing a hand on my elbow. His touch caused me to look over at him. The expression on his face was both troubled and concerned, a perfect mixture that warmed my heart to know he cared.

"Just promise me that you'll tell me if it gets too bad," he said.

I nodded. "Yeah, promise."

Except I wasn't sure if the promise was genuine. I had a habit of not knowing what was "too bad" until it was too late.

-:-

I stayed in the shower the next morning for so long that someone knocked on the door and asked me if I was alright.

Truth be told, I wasn't sure. What was "alright"? I didn't think I had ever been alright since I woke up in the Glade with a group of many boys. I certainly hadn't been okay from the moment I opened my eyes and realized for the first time that my name was Nadia.

Even in the bathroom, with the door locked, I didn't feel safe. I had a stupid sense of paranoia that Alex was everywhere. I was terrified to close the shower curtain made of thick moss and twine in fear that he'd be on the other side. It was a pointless fear. He was gone. The Doors opened with the collar waiting at the entrance to the Maze just like every other time.

I leaned my hands on the sink. It wasn't particularly clean - the Sloppers had so much to scrub that they rarely ever got around to things like sinks - but I didn't care. A slow breath fell from my lips as I lifted the pressure off of my bad leg. It didn't hurt too badly anymore, just an ever-present ache that was annoying.

The shower was meant to wash away the unease and it hadn't worked. I had stood there for about twice as long as I should have, trying to balance on one leg like a bird and scrubbing my body until it almost hurt. After almost falling three times, I felt like collapsing on the floor in exasperation. I was basically trapped in my own body.

I wanted to go back into the Maze more than anything. The exhilaration of running was something I missed dearly, and replacing it with drawing just wasn't the same. I was used to constantly being on the move. Now, I hardly could. The muscle I gained was one of my favorite traits and I cursed the day it would eventually diminish.

"Nadia?" Someone rapped on the door again - Alfie, a thirteen-year-old Cook. "Are you sure you're alright in there?"

"I'm fine, thank you," I called back just loudly enough for him to be able to hear through the door. My grip on the edge of the sink tightened.

"Okay," he responded. "Um, if you need anything, there's, like, seven people out here..."

"Shuck you, Alfie," Clark's voice hissed.

"Sorry," the younger boy mumbled weakly in reply.

"Nadia, if you don't come out in three minutes, everyone is gonna think you're dead or something," Alby said. Hearing his voice surprised me- I hadn't expected him to be one of the ones looking out for me.

"I'm okay," I tried to assure them. Maybe, just maybe, if I tried hard enough, I'd be able to convince myself the same. "Really. I'll be out in a minute."

"You better!" Theo exclaimed. "Or I'm gonna kick your trasero."

His voice brought a smile to my face, in spite of the words he was speaking. It had been a while since I'd spoken to Theo; I wondered how he was doing. Was his hip bothering him less? How was he dealing with walking around?

Staying true to my word, I opened the door two and a half minutes later. Seven heads lifted in sync at the sound. Clark, Theo, Alby, David, Nick, Harvey, and Newt all stood in various places around the shower room I had occupied.

"Voila." I lifted my arms dramatically. "Me, as promised."

"You win, shank." Alby punched Clark on the arm, making me scrunch my nose in confusion. "We had a bet to see if you'd walk out with your hair down or not."

"I told you, she never will," Clark replied with a triumphant grin.

Theo scratched his ear with a pondering expression. "I...don't think I've ever seen her without a ponytail."

"Isn't it uncomfortable when your hair is wet?" David questioned.

"Um--"

"My hair's almost long enough," Harvey put in with a shrug, holding up a section of his shoulder-length brunet strands. "I could test it out sometime."

"Guys--"

"Every day, man."

"I think we should take the topic off of Nadia's hair and actually let her out," Nick interrupted with an amused smile. He and Newt stood slightly to the side, while the other five were crowded around the door. They all took sheepish steps back.

"Thanks," I said to Nick, sending him a grin.

He nodded and clapped his hands as he swung them in front of him. "Alright, everyone. Nadia's okay, so it's back to work with you all."

"Damnit," Clark cursed under his breath, then turned to me. "Nadia, hurry up and faint or something."

"What?" I asked, not really catching his drift.

"Oh, no!" he exclaimed loudly and very over-dramatically as he placed his hand on my shoulder and felt my forehead with his other. "I think she's flatlining. Call a Med-jack!"

"Clark--" Alby tried to say in a tone full of exasperation, but just as he did, Clark suddenly collapsed and started writhing on the grass.

"I think I'm flatlining! Shuck, it hurts. I'm not gonna make it. Tell ... Frypan ... I love ... his nasty casserole ..."

And like that, Clark went completely limp and laid still with his eyes open, unfocused, and staring at nothing. He was a very good actor and I would have been partially convinced if he hadn't just ruined it by being so theatrical.

"Get up, you dumb shank," Alby said and nudged him in the side with his foot.

"I can't," Clark hissed through his teeth. "I'm dead."

"¡Ayuadame!" Theo cried out, clutching his hip. For a second my heart spiked with worry until I noticed him trying to conceal a smile. "I am broken! Alas, I cannot work. So much pain. So much anguish!"

Harvey was next. Just as Theo dropped to his knees, he started to sink to the ground. "I'm seeing the light!"

"Um, ow," David said awkwardly, then fell.

Even Newt joined in, the ghost of a smile on his face as he mumbled something about having a fever and crawling around on his hands and knees.

"Oh, what the shuck." Nick shrugged, promptly doubling over as if he'd been stabbed and backing up until he was against the Homestead. He sunk to the ground and yelled about seeing angels.

It looked too funny to pass up. Biting the inside of my cheek to keep myself from laughing, I exclaimed in the strangest voice I could muster, "Clark! I'm coming for you. Don't .... don't leave me behind on this earth..."

Instead of falling (I wasn't sure how much damage that'd cause), I copied Nick's idea of sliding down the wall while clutching my leg. Then, once I hit the grass, I lolled my head to the side and made my body go completely still. It was so hard not to laugh.

Alby stared at us all with a bewildered expression, but he had a tiny grin on his face. "You guys are weird."

"Hey, where's--"

Gally stopped short and flickered his gaze between the eight of us. His confusion became more apparent with each person his eyes passed. Once he looked back at Alby, he asked a silent question of what the shuck was happening.

"I don't know," Alby said simply before walking away.

Gally watched him retreat for a bit before turning back toward the unmoving bodies before him. Then, almost as if a cue had been given, our group of seven burst into laughter. I let my eyes switch back into focus and found myself giggling even harder when Gally flinched as Clark jumped up in one fluid motion.

"And scene," he said with a flourishing bow to the Keeper of the Builders.

"Look, I just came to see where Theo went," Gally replied in a slightly annoyed tone. "Get off the ground, ya shank."

"Um, I'm not sure if I can, to be honest," he replied with a sheepish grin, but fear was detectable in his voice. Not fear of Gally- of his hip hurting too badly.

"I got ya." Newt stood up and held out a hand for Theo to take. After they clasped hands, Newt pulled him to his feet and even steadied him when he wobbled a bit.

"Gracias," Theo said, then smacked himself in the face. "I mean...thanks."

"I know what it means," Newt responded lightly.

As Nick hurried over to help me up as well, I kept my eyes on Newt's expression. He was happy in that moment. There were crinkles at the corners of his eyes and his shoulders were set apart, not in the usual, slightly hunched way. Seeing him like that put a smile on my face that was even wider than before.

I realized with a start that I was happy, too.

While everyone else grudgingly parted ways to go back to their jobs, Newt hung around. He waited until everyone was gone before approaching me. The slight breeze blew his hair around like dandelion fluff.

"Hey," he greeted so normally that I was taken aback.

"Hi," I replied.

"Listen, I need to talk to you," he said in a tone that twisted my gut. Whenever someone said that, I got a rising feeling of unease. "I've noticed something about you. You've got a...a shadow over you."

"I don't know what you mean," I lied, then fidgeted. I mentally cursed myself for giving him a telltale sign.

"Don't be stupid, Nadia," he chastised in a harsh enough tone that I almost flinched, but it also had a sense of concern in it. People were concerned about me a lot. "You know exactly what I mean. You can't hide it from me. Try to remember I'm the one who carried that same shadow around for almost two years. And the thing is, I see myself in you- my old self, before everyone knew what I tried so hard to hide. I don't want that for you."

When I opened my mouth to say something, he held up his finger as a signal to wait.

"When I look over at Theo and I see him working, injury and all, it...inspires me?" He said it like a question. "I dunno how to explain it. But I think about what you said a lot - about how we were meant to survive- and I see how you mope around. That's not surviving. That's living a lie." By then, tears were stinging my eyes. It was exactly what I needed to hear, no matter how blunt. "I think the three of us should stick around each other. We're the only people who will understand how the other feels."

I couldn't help myself. Before he could say another word, I pulled him into a hug and closed my eyes as a tear rolled down my cheek.

The only thing I had needed was for someone to understand me.

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i forgot to put an author's note here oops

hello!!

-kristyn