Chapter 26 - Analise

    The sunlight pouring through my bedroom window woke me up the day after Halloween. I sighed, snuggling into my pillow that smelled surprisingly like a mix of honey and old spice; Will's scent. I wonder why I'm smelling Will's scent in my bed...

Realization shot through me like a bullet and I snapped my eyes open to see where I was. I was in fact in my room, but soon realized an arm was draped across my waist. I peered over, following the arm up to it's owner which proved to be Will sleeping soundly. His lips were parted, his shallow breathing coming out in small pants. His wavy hair was untamed, slightly swooping over his eyes. I subconsciously reached out to brush his hair away from his eyes, before realizing what I was doing and bringing my hand back to me.

But it was too late.

Will's ocean blue eyes opened lazily, gazing into mine and he offered me a small smile. I gulped, looking down at myself and sighing in relief when I realized I was still fully clothed. One look at Will told me he was too, and I fully relaxed. But how did I get to my room? The last thing I remembered was Will's confession, and-

Oh my god, Will's confession.

Pure unfiltered rage surged through me once again at the memory of his confession and I clenched my fists. In through the nose, out through the mouth... 

My heart hurt for my friend. I had no idea he'd been through so much in his life, and I felt like a major asshole for prematurely judging him. For god sakes, I'd said once upon a time how coddled and spoiled he was without even knowing him; he just wanted to make friends, and just happened to pick the worst person to try to befriend. I would spend the entirety of our friendship making that up to him. I couldn't believe how much of a selfish bitch I'd been.

"Everything okay Annie?" Will's voice broke my thoughts, causing me to look over at him. His bright blue eyes were full of happiness; an emotion I'd only ever seen in his eyes except for last night. Seeing his eyes so full of dejection and despair just about killed me, and it made me realize something.

I really did like Will as more than a friend.

And I was utterly and completely fucking terrified.

Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing scared me, and I mean that. Ever since I was a kid and I had to watch my parents lying dead in the street, I'd willed myself to forget emotions; like, happiness, and fear, because they would only hold me back. But somehow in a month, unbeknownst to me, Will made me throw caution to the wind and like him. Liking him scares me more than the possibility of being kidnapped by the gang.

I know, that sounds stupid. But it's true.

Since I was younger and found out my brother was in the gang - that my parents were in the gang, I prepared myself for the things you should usually be scared of. I wasn't scared of dying, because I'd ran through the possibilities a million and one times and was prepared; I wasn't scared of being kidnapped, failing school, being homeless. I had mentally thought through everything to the point I wasn't scared of it. The only thing I hadn't prepared myself for?

Liking someone.

I told myself from the time that my parents died that I would never start liking a guy because I didn't want to set myself up for failure. I didn't want to like someone, or fall in love, because then it would kill me if I lost them. But somehow, Will swooped in, annoying the hell out of me and got me to like him.

And I knew I couldn't let him know. I couldn't grow so attached that I set myself up for losing him like I lost my parents.

"Annie?" Will's concerned voice asked, scooting closer to me on the bed and lifting my chin for me to look him in the eyes. "What's wrong?"

I had to push him away. I had to lose these feelings.

My mom raised no fool - I knew Will felt something for me, even if it was just infatuation or a crush. He'd made it clear by some of the gestures and the way he was around me. I knew I couldn't entertain that, I couldn't act on my feelings and try a relationship. People get hurt, nice people who like people never win; especially when they're involved in the gang.

With an enemy gang still reeling from a kidnap of one of their leaders' sisters, I couldn't endanger Will like that. They would go for people close to the leaders first, if they decided to retaliate. They would probably go for me, and if god forbid they got through our defenses, I couldn't put Will in danger, literally or theoretically. Because, even if they didn't go after Will, if they somehow got a hold of me and killed me I didn't want him to get hurt by that.

If I pushed him away before that happened, it probably wouldn't even phase him.

"Yeah," I murmured, tears springing to my eyes. The thought of dying didn't scare me the least little bit, but the thought of my dying hurting Will frightened me beyond words. I couldn't put him through that. Using that thought to push me forward, I pushed the tears back so he wouldn't see them. "I think I'm just getting sick."

Will frowned, putting the back of his hand on my forehead. "You don't feel warm, but lay back down. I'll go get you some soup."

My heart clenched painfully in my chest. I wish my life wasn't so fucked up so I could allow myself this; to allow myself to give in to my feelings for Will and finally be happy for once. But, alas, this wasn't some movie; it was real life and I couldn't have everything I wanted.

I wasn't some rich girl with both parents working mundane jobs that could shower me with attention and questions about the boy in the bed with me. I didn't have a brother who worked for a mechanic's shop and went home to his wife and kids, only to visit on some weekends and most holidays complaining about his job never giving him a raise. I wasn't some teenager complaining day in and day out that my parents wouldn't let me stay up late, or that they wouldn't give me money for a new pair of shoes I so desperately wanted even though I'd just gotten one last month.

I was a seventeen year old girl with two dead parents, a gang-banger brother, and I had joined his gang to help my brother with the bills so he didn't kill himself - and he didn't even know I joined.

And Will deserved better than that. He deserved a normal girl, with normal problems, who wouldn't endanger him just by being around him. Will deserved a girl he could bring soup and crackers to and talk to her until she lulled off to sleep to the sound of his voice, only for him to return a couple hours after she'd slept it off so they could talk about his day. He didn't deserve to be thrown into my life full of problems.

But cutting him off wouldn't be easy. But I knew I had to do it.

Drew had a girl he was seeing, and that was enough of a risk as it was. My brother, however, had plans to get jumped out of the gang so he could finally live a normal life and not have to worry about endangering him or his girlfriend or her kid; and maybe he'd be able to have his own kid. But right now, I was a target, and getting jumped out of the gang was no way to get myself out of danger; not with the threat of retaliation hanging over our heads.

Will came back a couple minutes later, a bowl of soup in one hand and a water bottle in another hand. "I made chicken noodle soup, brought you a bottle of water, and I'm gonna go get some extra blankets for you, okay?"

I murmured my thanks to him, taking the soup guiltily. I knew it would hurt him at first, the break from me; but he would understand in the long run. When my day came to meet my maker and he found out I did this for him, I could only hope he would understand and he wouldn't hate me.

He came back with a handful of blankets and I protested. "You don't have to-"

"I want to, Annie, okay?" Will said sincerely, offering me a small smile. "Let me help you."

"Thank you," I whispered, my heart breaking. This was going to hurt me a lot more than it would hurt him.

After he put the blankets over me and tucked me into bed, he told me to get some sleep and that he'd call me later to see how I was feeling. Will kissed my forehead gently before he turned for the door, and as I watched him walk away, I felt the first suppressed sob rip through me. When I heard the front door close, I let out a few quiet sobs; and after I heard his car pull off, that's when they progressively got louder and my tears fell like a dam breaking.

Goodbye Will, I thought sadly, I'll miss you.

*

I woke up a couple hours, my heart heavy. My face felt puffy from the dried tears I hadn't wiped away while I cried myself to sleep, and I rubbed a groggy hand over my eyes. I went to the bathroom, grabbing an outfit and towel on the way, and turned the hot water on full blast. It'd been a while since I'd given myself a pity shower, since most of the time I was in, washed up and out within ten minutes, but sometimes I just needed to wallow in the confines of the shower for a little while.

Once the water burnt my hand to the touch, I closed and locked the door and stripped down. I hung my towel, looked at myself in the mirror, and shook my head at my disheveled appearance. I was disappointed in myself for getting so attached to Will that I cried myself to sleep over him.

I got in the shower, the sting of the hot water oddly calming the tenseness in my shoulders and I sighed contentedly. I needed the stress relief and I had half a mind to go to the next town over and have some rough, no strings attached sex, but I couldn't. For the first time in my entire teenage life, I couldn't bring myself to have casual sex. Every time I thought about doing that, Will's face came to mind and I almost felt like I was cheating on him or something.

Ridiculous, I know, considering we'd never even kissed before. But I wanted to.

I scrubbed my strawberry shampoo through my hair roughly, trying to take my frustration for myself out on my hair, but it wasn't working. I needed to hit something, but I couldn't even do that because I knew Will would disapprove.

How fucking pathetic.

I almost gave into my needs surfacing. It'd been a month since I had sex, and I was starting to feel frustrated with myself. I hadn't had sex since the day before Will came to my school. First it was because I was too busy trying to get him off my back and then it was because I was too busy with gang stuff, but now? Now it was because I couldn't get his fucking smile out of my head and the frown that would be on his face if he saw me having sex with someone.

God, I really hate myself for having a conscious sometimes.

After thirty minutes in the hot shower I finally stepped out, wrapping the towel around myself and patting myself dry. I got dressed quickly, suddenly feeling claustrophobic in the small bathroom and wrapped the towel around my hair. I walked out, the steam following me, and I walked straight into a woman.

I took a step back, quirking a brow. I'd never seen this woman before in my life. "I'm so sorry!" She quickly apologized. I took a second to study her. She had light brown hair with streaks of blonde in it and at the ends, bright forrest green eyes and freckles dotted on her nose. She was slim but with some curves, and she was a couple inches taller than me. She was wearing a pink blouse and a black skirt and she looked like she'd just come from a meeting or something.

"Who are you?" I asked curiously.

She held her hand out, smiling brightly. "I'm Alisha. You must be Analise, I've heard so much about you!"

Suddenly it all made sense as her name rang a bell in my head; Drew's girlfriend, or almost girlfriend. Now it made sense why she was dressed like that - she was a teacher, and those were probably her formal clothes. She probably wanted to impress me. I shook her hand, smiling. "Yeah, I'm Analise. Nice to meet you, Alisha."

"I brought Chinese," she gushed, smiling brightly before a worried look crossed her face. "Oh, no, what if you don't like Chinese? I didn't even think to ask, I'm so sorry. Gosh, I should've asked Drew. I'll order pizza if you pref-"

"Alisha, chill," I soothed, chuckling slightly. She was a nervous wreck. "I like Chinese. Relax, I don't know what your past boyfriends families treated you like, but I'm all you have to worry about here and I won't bite your head off."

Alisha looked relieved and she gave me a small sheepish smile. "You won't?"

I laughed to myself, shaking my head. "No. Don't worry, as long as Drew's happy, I'm happy. Though I am surprised you call him Drew. Most people call him Andy."

She giggled. "He told me that, but I prefer Drew."

I nodded, smiling. "Me too."

*

A couple hours later, Drew, Ali (Alisha preferred Ali), Will and I were sat on the couch laughing our asses off about everything and nothing in particular. I decided not to follow my gut of ignoring him, as much as I wanted to, and told him my thought process sans feelings for him. He understood that it's hard for me to get close to people, and told me he appreciated my honesty.

After I was honest with him, I invited him over to have dinner with Ali, Drew and I, much to Drew's enjoyment since he liked Will. We learned a lot about Ali, and I knew her and I would get along just fine. She had a four year old daughter named Bella - apparently, Drew had his information mixed up because she had her daughter before she got married. She said Bella was the light of her life and even though having a child at such a young age proved very difficult, she wouldn't change what happened for the world because Bella was her everything.

The rest of what Drew had told me was right. She had a younger brother who was my age, and a younger sister who was thirteen, but they lived in New York. She'd moved to Chicago to chase her daughters dad and when he died she stayed, too scared to pack up and move alone with an infant. She graduated from the University of Chicago, and got through school and worked a part time job all while taking care of Bella. She graduated with her teaching degree and she teaches at the local elementary school.

"Okay," Ali mumbled through her laughs at something Drew had said. "I really got to go, my mom has Bella and I'm late already."

Drew grinned at her. "Don't be scared to bring Bella next time, if you're comfortable! We can even get some toys so she's comfortable here."

Ali returned his grin. "You guys are so sweet. It was nice meeting you, Will and Ana."

"Nice meeting you too!" Will commented cheerfully.

"Nice meeting you, Ali," I mumbled, smiling brightly.

Drew sent us a smile over his shoulder. "I'm going to go drop her off, I'll be back."

The door closed behind the two of them, and soon enough Will's expression turned gravely serious. He looked me straight in the eyes, the intensity scaring the shit out of me. "We need to talk."