"I love you. I love you so damn much... More than just best friends."

I've been awake all night. Namjoon's words continue playing in my head like a broken record. This is very bad. Namjoon isn't supposed to feel this way for me. He's my best friend; he's my only friend. What the hell is going to happen between us now? Saying "I love you" in that way isn't something that the muscle memory excuse can cover. He feels something for me that crosses all borders of just being friends. He is looking at me romantically.

My phone rings and I just know it's Namjoon checking on me. I watch as his face is plastered on my screen and wait for the voicemail to catch the call. Not even 3 seconds later, it's ringing again. When I still don't answer, my phone begins to ding with text messages. What do I say in this situation?

--

"What do you have to say about this situation?" My mother crosses her arms and raises her already arched brow as her chest rises and falls with disappointment.

I keep my head low as I try to come up with the right words to explain why Namjoon is in my bedroom currently. He came over to study and because my brother was being a pain in the ass while we were down in the kitchen, I brought him up to my room so we could have a little more privacy and actually get some work done. But my mind is currently drawing a blank as my mom is a bit intimidating in this light.

"Kyla Nicole, look at me when I'm talking to you." I instantly shoot my head up and make eye contact. "Why is this boy in your room, little girl? And I'm not gon' ask you again."

"We were studying." I point to my books on the bed and his that are on the floor. "That's it."

"That's it?" My mother asks with skepticism lacing her tone. "Just studying, huh? You can do that shit in the kitchen."

"Kels was getting on my nerve." I mumble.

"Speak up."

"Kels is annoying, mom. I wanted to study in peace and my room is where I get that, aside from the bathroom."

"It's true." Namjoon speaks up, and I look at him with wide eyes. He's never met my mother, and I'm sure that after this talk is over, he's gonna wish he never did under these circumstances. He clears his throat before speaking again. "Mrs. Page."

She purses her lips and hums to herself. "Mmhmm, sure. What do you want from my daughter?"

"Ma-"

"Only wanting to study, ma'am." Namjoon holds his ground. "We have some of the highest grades in our class, so studying with another smart person makes things a lot easier for us."

"See? Only studying. We're only friends." I add in to help solidify that fact.

"Yeah." Namjoon nods softly, then murmuring under his breath. "Just friends."

My mom furrows those arched brows at Namjoon, then they soften. She sighs in content, nodding at us. "Okay. I'll talk to your brother about that. But this is the first and last time I will allow-"

She gestures to him and he straightens his posture. "Namjoon, ma'am."

"Right." She smirks. "This is the last time Namjoon is allowed in this room. Am I understood?"

"Yes ma'am." We both answer, happy that she didn't go off the rails.

"Go ahead and finish. I'm about to go cook dinner. You're more than welcome to stay, Mr. Namjoon. Cute name by the way."

"Thank you, Mrs. Page."

She leaves the room and that's when we both release the biggest breaths. My mom is a nice woman, but she's also strict about her house rules. My ass certainly broke the biggest one about having a boy in my room.

"Just friends." I hear Namjoon repeat to himself.

I turn to him, startled that he's so close. "Space dude."

"Sorry." He chuckles nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. "We're just friends?"

I sit on my bed, frowning at his statement as I look into the book we're working out of before answering. "Yeah. Why?"

"Not even best friends?"

I roll my eyes. "You wanna be my best friend?"

"I do."

"Fine." I shrug. "We're best friends then."

An overly excited tall teenager lets out an excited noise and places a quick kiss to my cheek. "I finally have a best friend."

I groan, wiping my cheek as he laughs. "Yeah, best friends."

--

"I'm so stupid!" I say aloud to myself.

Sitting and thinking back on that day back when we were in high school and about 17 years old, Namjoon made it very subtle that he wanted to be more than just my friend. I know my mom caught that. He's always wanted to be more than just my friend; more than just my best friend. Namjoon wanted to be my boyfriend. It's a thought I begin to ponder.

It isn't fair! Why wait so long? We've built this friendship up to what it is, and now he wants to tell me he loves me in that way? Or maybe the times he would say he loves me, I just made myself believe that he was saying it platonically. Am I just that naïve?

I'm startled by hearing the sound of my door opening from my bedroom and my heart literally falls into my ass. He still has a fucking key to this place. Not knowing what to do, I'm in a panic as I'm still lying here in bed naked, even though I'm covered with a blanket.

"Kyla?" Namjoon calls out to me before coming to the doorway of my bedroom. When he sees me, he lights up and runs over to hug me. "Ky why aren't you answering my calls and texts? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Why are you being so short?" He points out, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"When aren't I?"

He shrugs, knowing I'm right. "Yeah, but you haven't been recently. Look, about what I said yesterday-"

"You didn't mean it?" I ask with just a glimmer of hope that I can save this relationship.

"What?" He says. "No, not at all. I meant what I said. I love you. I'm in love with you, Kyla."

"You can't be."

"And why not?"

"I need you to leave." I lean back against my headboard.

"What? No." Namjoon takes me hand and I snatch it away from him. "Kyla, look at me."

"No." I follow his request with a quick snap. "You need to leave, Namjoon. And I don't want to do the content anymore."

"Huh?"

"I'm not repeating myself." I say, not breaking eye contact. "You told me I don't have to say anything yet, and I'm not. Because I don't know what the fuck to say. And I don't want to keep doing this adult content shit. I'm not sure this is the right fit for me. Hell, I know it isn't. And I'm done with it. We weren't supposed to go this far."

I find myself looking down at the hand Namjoon held only briefly before looking back up to his eyes. My heart breaks as I see sadness lacing his features.

"Namjoon, please." My voice cracks, breaking down my only wall of confidence. "Just- I need some space. Please."

"I understand." He says softly, taking my hand back in his and kissing the back of it. I let him and he inches closer to me, speaking just barely above a whisper. "I know this is a lot on you and I'm so sorry. But dammit, I love you so much Kyla. I really hope you know that."

"Namjoon," I barely say aloud.

"I'll leave and give you your space. I'll be back next week, okay?"

I don't know why this hurts me, but a tear slips from my eye as Namjoon places the gentlest kiss to my cheek. I've never felt something so soft before. With that, he respects my wishes and heads out. When I hear the door close, I break down. Uncontrollable sobs take over me and I don't know what to do now. Did I just lose my best friend and potential lover?

••

Boom, update! I gotta go because I'm in the zone & don't wanna forget what I wanna write. I love yall so much! Bye! 💕💕

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~S.xx