Collin's point of view

I sat on my bed, a journal on my lap and a pencil in my hand. The question 'who do I aspire to be?' was written on the top line and the list was blank except for one thing.

Happy. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be genuinely happy.

I looked at the paper and then sighed. I couldn't do that, I'd be sent to a counselor and that's the last thing that I want. Everyone would put their goals in life; fame, fourtune, luxury, etc. but that I didn't want any of that.

I wanted happiness. I wanted to be in a crowd of people and not be scared. I wanted to be able to have someone set their hand o  my shoulder and not tense. I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and be confident. I wanted to be able to interact with people.

I wanted to be happy with life, with myself, with everything, but that won't happen unless I'm drunk, high, unconscious, or dead. When you're dead you can't feel anything and you don't have to deal with the harsh world.

That sounds pretty nice...

I pushed my journal aside and then I leaned back against my wall. I closed my eyes and then just listened to the music coming from my earbuds. Right now, the song 'Superheroes' by The Script played and it was making me feel mixed emotions; doubt, inspiration, sadness, envy.

I sighed and then relaxed a bit. I've been doing homework since the moment I got home. It was eight o'clock by now and I finished almost all of it. I just have the writing assignment.

I sniffled and then wiped my eyes. I wish I could get better. I wish I could 'turn the pain into power'. I wish one day I could amount to something big, or anything at all. I wish I wasn't so messed up.

I felt a hand on my leg and I immediately brought it up to my chest. I opened my eyes and then I saw Michael. "Hey buddy, what's up?" He asked after I took my earbuds out.

"N-Nothing."

"Are you sure? You're crying." He said and then reached over to wipe away a tear that fell, causing me to flinch. "What's wrong?" He asked me and I just looked at him.

Should I tell him? Can I actually trust him? What if he thinks I'm some kind of freak? Some kind of stupid suicidal kid? Some boy who's fucked up in the head? A mistake?

"You can trust me." He said and scooted closer. "I promise Collin. It's okay. I won't tell anyone if you don't want me too." He said and I sniffled.

I leaned towards him and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling the last earbud out of my ear. He set them on my nighrstand with my Ipod and I cried into his chest.

I felt so bad, so guilty for having him in here with me when he could be with his bandmates or playing video games. He shouldn't have to worry about me. He shouldn't be here with me.

"It's okay." He said and I shook my head. "Whatever it is, it's okay. It will be okay. I promise you Collin." He said and I squeezed my eyes shut.

"It's not." I cried and he tightened his grip on me. I curled up a bit and then cried harder into his shirt. "I'm fucked up Michael." I said.

"No you're not. You're not okay? You're great. You're amazing. You're not fucked up. Don't think of yourself like that." He said and I wrapped my arms around his stomach.

"I'm-I'm stupid and-and useless and I won't amount to anything when I grow up." I said and gasped. "I'm nothing." I said and he set his hand on the back of my head, playing with my hair a bit.

"No, no you are not." He told me and then pulled me away from him. "You're very intelligent and maybe you think you're useless because you haven't found something you're good at yet. Everyone is good at something Collin, trust me." He said and tilted my head up after I looked down.

"You're a liar."

"I could never lie to you Collin." He said and then used his thumbs to wipe my tears. "I promise. You'll do something great in your life, I know you will." I shook my head and then sniffled.

"I'm-I'm nothing. I don't-I don't matter."

"Yes you do." He told me. "You matter. You're alive and you're amazing. You are so much more than nothing. You're everything. You're important and you're needed and we love you." He said, tears filling his eyes.

"God, we need you so much Collin. Please don't ever think you're nothing or that you don't matter or that you'll never amount to anything. Please. I promise you that you're imporant and that you matter. You matter a shit ton." He said and I just sniffled.

He pulled me into a hug and then I buried my face into his neck. This wasn't like any hug I ever had. It wasn't quick and it wasn't simple. He had a tight grip on me and I felt as if he was trying to squeeze the thoughts out of me, as if he was trying to help me feel better about myself.

It wasn't working.

"God, you're so important." He told me and rubbed my back. "You're everything Collin, everything. Even if someone made you feel as if you weren't. You're worth so much and you're are so fucking important and needed."

I closed my eyes and then he rocked us back and forth. "You're so fucking important." He repeated softer this time and I relaxed a bit into his touch. "And-And you will amount to something in life. I promise. I fucking promise you."

"One day, you'll be happy Collin. You're going to be alright." He said and I just sniffled. "You're alright..."

-

I stirred a bit and then I felt an arm around me. I looked up and then saw a phone. I turned around and then looked up again to see Michael. "You're up?" He asked and chuckled.

"Did I-Did I fall asleep on you?" I asked and he nodded. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean too." I said and he told me it was fine. "You could have just laid me down and then left."

"You wanted me to stay," he said and then smiled. "And since you wanted me to stay, I did." He told me and I nodded.

"What time is it?"

"Three am." He said and I nodded. "Are you hungry? You slept through dinner... well, we both did." He said and I just shook my head. "Want something to drink?"

"I'm kind of thirsty." I mumbled and he nodded. I moved away from him and then we both stood up.

"Come on."