No triggering actions, just triggering words xx

Collin's point of view

"Hey Luke, can Kayla stay over after school since the fist concert is tonight? Oh, what is that?" I asked as I saw him mix something into water again.

"It's um nothing." He said as he turned around. I went up that him and grabbed the box beside the glass before he could stop me. "I'm sorry Collin."

Anti-depressants.

He was giving me anti-depressants by putting it in my water.

It was everyday too...

"Is that... Is that why I've been so happy lately?" I asked him sadly and he nodded slowly. "So I'm-I'm not getting better? It's all fake?"

"I'm sorry." He said and took the box from me. "The doctor said that I had to give you them and I knew you wouldn't take them by pill so I asked for this. I knew you wouldn't want to."

"So, I'm actually not okay?" I asked him. "I'm still fucked up?" I said quietly and looked down.

Of course you're not actually happy. You'll never be happy unless it's fake. You don't deserve to be genuinely happy.

"Look at me buddy," Luke said and then tilted my head up. "You were never fucked up, but you weren't okay. I'm sorry I had to trick you like this for you to take them but they help yeah?"

I nodded.

They did help. Ever since he's been giving them to me, I haven't heard the voices in my head. I have been happier, and more carefree and outgoing. I've been feeling normal.

Even if it's fake, I was happy.

"Are you mad at me Collin?" He asked and I was quiet. "I just wanted you to be okay without the rehab and the therapy, little man. I know this is wrong but it was my best shot."

"It's okay." I told him and smiled smally. "It does help, honestly. I'm not mad, just upset." I said quietly.

"I thought I was getting better. I thought that maybe... just maybe I was going to be okay without the help of somrone or-or something." I told him and he smiled sadly at me.

"I'm sorry." He repeated and I shrugged. "I'm thought you'd be pissed. I was expecting yelling and screaming and crying and slamming door."

"No... no more of that." I said and looked at him. "Last time that happened I um, did something and hurt you all." I said and he gave me a hug. "I don't want to do it again."

Yes you do. It felt so good Collin. Remember? The feeling of the blade sliding against your wrist? The delicious sting and the pain numbing feeling? The blood dripping down your wrist, it was soothing. You want that. I know you do.

"Luke," I said and buried my face in his chest. "They're back." I whimpered because dear god did I want to feel that again.

I don't even have a valid reason why, it's just because of my addiction. It's been weeks since I last hurt myself and now just thinking about it made me want to. It made my fingers twitch and my wrists itch.

"What's wrong? The voices are back?" I nodded and he kissed my head. "Don't listen to them buddy. They're lying . They're wrong. Whatever they're saying is bullshit." He told me.

"Come in, your breakfast is getting cold. When you finish, they should be gone okay?" He told me and I nodded.

"Next time... can you actually get the pills?" I asked him and he chuckled. "I prefer pills."

"Of course." He told me. "Now go eat. You're going to be late." He said as he rubbed my back.

"I love you dad." I accidentally said and he tensed a bit. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"It's fine buddy." He said and chuckled. "It's love you too."

-

I walked to my locker and then opened it. I put my textbooks into it and then I closed it, putting the lock back on it.

"Hey Collin," I turned around and saw Justin. I smiled smally and then fixed my backpack over my shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just tired." I said and he nodded, taking that as an answer. "What's up?"

"So, you know Castillo? Lewis?" He asked me and I nodded. Of course I did. "Well, we went to hang out around some arcade place because he likes them and we kind of kissed?"

"Dude get it." I said and he laughed. "So you're dating or?"

"I want to, lord fucking knows that I want to, but he's scared of the age difference. It's only three years, I'm fourteen and he's seventeen, what's so bad about that?" He asked and groaned. "He's an idiot but he's so cute and funny."

"I'm not good with advice so just like... get it." I said and he rolled his eyes.

"How was your date?" He asked me. "Did it go well?"

"I got secondhand embarrassment when one of the guys messed up a bit but it's fine. It went well. We danced, sang, ate, talked, kissed, stuff like that." I said and he aww'ed.

"That's so cute, I want that." He said and then huffed. "But no, stupid ass Castillo don't want to fucking get with me because I'm fourteen. Jesus, three years isn't that bad. Not like I'm going to end up sucking his dick in the back of his pickup or something." He grumbled.

"Too much information. I don't need to know about this." I said and sighed. "Anyways, the tour starts today."

"You're leaving huh?" He asked me sadly and I shook my head. "You're staying then?"

"We leave Friday at like five am." I told him and he nodded. "So, we have a few more days." I told him.

"I'm going to miss your little ass, good god." He said and gave me a hug. "I'm don't want you to go." He cried and I rolled my eyes.

"Shut up." I said and laughed lightly. "Save the tears for Friday." I told him and he nodded, telling me that he will.

"Collin, what's up?" Kayla asked me as she wrapped her arms around me. I kissed her forehead and she laughed. "I'm in a happy mood."

"I'm glad." I told her and chuckled. "When you're happy, I'm happy." I said and she nodded.

"When you two are happy I want to vomit." Justin commented and I laughed. "Anyways-"

"Hey," I heard Lewis voice and I looked at him. "Justin, can I talk to you?" He asked and Justin sighed, obviously not wanting to argue.

"Fine."

-

"Before we play this next song," Ashton said into the microphone. "We just want you to know why we have it on our setlist." He told the crowd.

"One day, our little buddy Collin decided to be a man and take his girlfriend out on a date. He had missed their school dance and wanted to make it up to her. They're so cute I wanted to cry." Calum said and I looked at Kayla.

"She had taken his hand and they danced for a bit to this song because we had actually written this song about them. She sang it to him and he just danced along, probably not knowing." He said and I looked at her.

"They're the inspiration behind this song, the two broken kids; the boy and the girl, Collin and Kayla. They've gone through a lot of bullshit, but the world just seemed okay when they were together. They were each other's missing half basically." Michael said and smiled over at us.

"Here is Safety Pin!" Luke shouted and the crowd screamed and yelled. I chuckled and Kayla buried her face in my neck since she was blushing so bad.

"Come on, dance with me." She said and I nodded. I grabbed her hands and then we began to dance around.

I laughed lightly and she began to sing along to the song, a smile on her lips. I mumbled along since I didn't know all the lyrics and she laughed as I tripped on a wire.

I looked around and realized that the whole entire crowd could see me and then I blushed. I stood up but then someone was nudging me further and further on the stage.

I looked at the neck of the instrument and realized it was Calum's bass. I glared at the boy and nodded towards Kayla because there was no way I was being out here without her.

She walked out and then leaned forward. "Dance with me." She said and I nodded because I wasn't just going to stand beside Calum.

I'm a Michael stan, screw Calum.

I took her hand and we began to dance around behind the three. You could hear Luke laugh a few times and see Calum and Michael shaking their heads at us as they smiled.

Me and Kayla sang along to the chorus of the song and Michael walked beside us, paying his guitar as he got on his knees and nodded.

"Next is your favorite darling." He said to Kayla and then looked at me. "Then it's your's buddy."

Kayla cheered and as the song came to an end, we went to get off stage but Calum stopped us. Me and Kayla looked at each other and then shrugged.

We sat down at the end of the stage and waved to a few people in the crowd. "Why are we still here?" I asked Kayla and she just shrugged.

"This next song is a little bit slower and more meaningful." Michael said, his breathing a bit heavy. "We want to thank Collin for basically helping us write this."

Jet Black Heart. It's Jet Black Heart.

"This song is about, well, Collin, why don't you tell them what it's about buddy." Calum said and my eyes widened. "Here, catch the microphone."

I turned around and he tossed me his microphone. I caught it and then glared at him. "Help them understand what it's about. You wrote a little over three fourths of it." Luke told me and I huffed.

"I hate you guys for making me do this." I said into the microphone and their fans laughed. I looked at Kayla and she nodded, nudging me as a reassurance.

I bit my lip as I tried remembering the song and what I had actually meant when I written these lines in my journal.

Yeah, Michael refreshed my memory about it...

"I um... It's about uh having demons in your head, obviously, and being so-so insecure and so problematic. It's about having these impulses that-that destroy you and make your world black and white and grey." I said shyly into the microphone. This is what I meant when I wrote these lines and I was spilling to the world basically.

"Then... Then somehow, someone breaks down your walls, knowing very well that you're broken inside. They stay anyways and they try helping you get better and they try making the color return to your world." I said and looked at Kayla. "And... And you're scared that you'll hurt them, so you distance yourself and you want to protect them from yourself but they always find a way back to your side."

"It's about being on the brink of insanity and being so puzzled and so lost. You're losing yourself and you're holding on to the little pieces that resurface when that person is with you. You're collecting them and saving them so each time you're with them, you have a chance to find more of yourself." I said, smiling slightly at her.

"Then, when you finally have enough pieces that aren't deprived of color, you piece them together like a puzzle. Part of you is now in color and you cling to it, bursting into color and forgetting about who you were. Your life is full of color now that you're with that person and you, yourself, are trying to get better for them, for yourself, for your relationship to work." I said and she smiled at me.

"It's about someone bringing color back into your deprived world and then getting lost in the swirls and streaks with you." I said to sum it all up. "It's about your love for them that makes you want to try and get better for them and for yourself despite how low you think and feel of yourself."

"It's about you." I said quietly to Kayla, forgetting the mic was still against my lips so everyone could hear. "It's about us." I said and she chuckled as she wiped her eyes.

Claps and screams and yells erupted from the audience and Michael chuckled. "That was so beautiful." He said and I looked at him. "We were thinking the same as we played it." He told me and I nodded.

"I think Calum needs his microphone back." Ashton said and I looked at him. "We need to get on with the show. Although that was a pretty wonderful explanation of the song."

"I think Calum needs a tissue and some ice cream." I said and they laughed. I stood up and then handed Calum his microphone back.

"Good job buddy." He said and kissed my head as he hugged me. "Next is She's Kinda Hot so stay out here." He told me and I nodded, humming to the song that they already started.

I took a seat by Kayla and she grabbed my hand. I scooted closer to her and she leaned her head on my shoulder. "That was so beautiful Collin, there's so much meaning beind the song." She told me.

"I know." I said and looked at the girls in the crowd. They were looking at us and taking pictures and waving. I waved and then looked at Kayla with a smile. "I'm so glad that I met you." I told her.

"I'm so glad that I met you." She told me and looked at me. "I'm so glad that Luke adopted you, god, I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you."

"I don't even want to imagine a life without you in it." I said and looked at her. We smiled to each other and then she pressed her lips against mine.

My eyes widened and then I closed them, melting into the feeling. The screaming of the audience grew louder and I heard Luke chuckle into the microphone.

"Count of three, everyone yell this next verse with Calum." Michael said and the audience began to scream the lyrics after the countdown.

"The blood in my veins is made up of mistakes, let's forget who we are and dive in to the dark, as we burst into color, returning to life..."

"We're kids and we haven't even been together more than two months but I love you." Kayla said and I smiled.

"I love you too." I said to her and she smiled. "Dance with me to our song?" I asked and she nodded.

"Let's do this."