Collin's point of view

I sat on my bed, my Ipod in my sweatshirt pocket and my earbuds in my ears. 'Hotel California' by Eagles played loudly and I listened to it with my eyes closed.

Today I was going to go shopping with Luke and Ashton for clothes. I wasn't looking forward to it, but I wasn't exactly despising the idea. They kind of dress like I do, so I think this would be kind of fun. They also told me that Calum would be doing some shopping online for me because some things you can't get in stores.

I opened my eyes and looked around at my new room. It was so big. It was much bigger than I needed. I had my own bathroom and walk in closet. It was cool, it really was, but I didn't need all of it.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned to look at who it was. I took my earbud out and he gave me a small smile. "Are you ready Collin?" Luke asked me and I nodded. "Come on then."

I stood up and left one earbud hanging down my sweatshirt. I followed him and then saw Ashton sitting on the couch. When he saw us he smiled and then stood up, tucking his phone into his backpocket. "Are you guys ready?"

I nodded and then followed them out of the house. I got in the backseat and then closed my door. I buckled my seatbelt and then Ashton started the car.

"Plug the AUX chord into your phone and play some music Luke." Ashton said and Luke agreed.

Soon, the song 'How You Remind Me' by Nickelback played and I smiled. I took my earbud out of my ear and then turned my Ipod off. They had bought me a phone, but I don't think I'd really need it. All my music is on my Ipod and I don't really have friends or use social media.

I listened to the radio, drowning in the lyrics and music. I tapped my fingers on my thigh to the beat and looked out of the window.

"This is how you remind me of who I really am." Luke sang along, nudging Ashton who just chuckled. He wasn't a bad singer, actually, he was pretty good.

"Thank you." Luke said and I froze. "You said that out loud." He told me and I chuckled. I nodded, a small blush on my cheeks, and Ashton pulled into an outlet.

We got out of the car and I pulled on my snapback a bit more because it felt like it was falling. I followed the two to the mall and I tugged my sweatshirt down a bit more.

"The day the music died, they were singing bye bye miss American pie, I drove my Chevy to the Levi but the Levi was dry," Ashton sang and Luke questioned him.

"It's been stuck in my head all day okay?" Ashton said and I let out a chuckle. "It's stuck in my head and when songs are stuck in your head, you sing them outloud for others."

"No, you keep it in your head and out of ours." Luke said and I rolled my eyes. "Anyways, come on Ash. We need to buy the kid some clothes."

"The kid has a name." I said and he chuckled, apologizing to me. I nodded and then just followed them into a building. "Do you think you're going to get noticed?"

"Not that much." Luke said and Ashton agreed. I followed him into some store and we began looking around. "This is nice." He said as he grabbed a plain maroon hoodie. "It's simple and you look like a guy who's into simple stuff."

"What size are you?" He asked me and I told him I was a small. He nodded and then grabbed one in my size. "Try this on. When it comes to clothes and stores, sizes may vary."

I nodded and put my Ipod and earbuds in my jeans' pocket. I took my sweatshirt off and then tried on the maroon hoodie. "Does it fit perfectly?" He asked me.

"Yeah," I said and I took it off. I fixed my long sleeves and then tied my sweatshirt around my waist. I ran a hand through my hair and he held the hoodie on his arm.

"Do you like jeans as tight as ours or like, do you want them looser?" He asked and I looked at my jeans. They were a little more baggy than his and I actually didn't like it.

"Like yours, please?" I said and he nodded. We looked around and he grabbed some more long sleeves.

I looked at a few dresses and then mentally cursed myself for wanting it. It wasn't right. Guys aren't supposed to want to wear dresses and skirts... right? Guys shouldn't want to wear heels and flats. It's feminine and I shouldn't want too, but I do.

"Hey bud, what are you doing by the dresses?" Ashton chuckled and I looked at him. "Got a girly friend?" He teased and I shook my head.

"Come on," he told me and I followed him to where Luke was. I looked at Luke and he held up a pink shirt.

"Look at this, you think Michael would like it?" Luke joked and I chewed on the inside of my bottom lip. Ashton laughed and then shook his head. "You're right, it's too simple." He said and set it back down.

"What's up? You're so quiet." Ashton told me and I gave him a small smile. "See a pretty girl?" I shook my head and he just chuckled.

"It's probably you, you're scaring him." Luke said as he held up a tank-top. "You wear tank-tops, right? All I've seen you in lately is long sleeves so I don't know." He told me.

"Yeah, sometimes." I said and he nodded, asking if I wanted some. "Just a few." He nodded and I helped him look for some that I liked.

"Come on guys, I don't think we want to spend too much time at one store." Ashton said and I agreed. Luke handed me the jackets he grabbed and he held a bunch of shirts that we're the same size as the jackets.

We went to the cash register and stood in line. When we finally got to the counter, me and Luke set our things down as Ashton pulled out his wallet.

I felt bad he was spending money on me, I really did, but I didn't want to speak up. I don't like speaking up or voicing my thoughts. It's just not me.

Actually... I don't even know who 'me' is. I don't know who I am. I'm so confused and lost.

I followed the two out of the store and when we passed a store full of pretty dresses, I couldn't help but stop and look. It didn't take long for the two to figure out I stopped walking.

"Collin?"

"Sorry," I said and blushed in embarrassment as I'm walked up to them. "I'm sorry, I got distracted." I told them quietly as I kept my gaze down.

"By the dresses?"

"No," I lied. "There was a really pretty girl in there and I had to stop." They nodded and I pinched my thigh a bit as punishment for lying to them.

You're not supposed to be into dresses Collin. You're a boy and a boy can't wear dresses. It's wrong and you know it. Stop being a girl you moron.

You're also not supposed to lie. Lying is bad, especially to the guy who adopted you. He could easily take you back to that hell hole and he could easily punish you for it.

Idiot.

"Come on, let's buy you some skinny jeans." Luke told me and I followed them into a store, keeping my eyes away from the dresses and skirts.

"Just black?" Ashton asked me and I nodded. He chuckled and we began looking for ones in my size, which wasn't that big now that I compared them to the other sizes.

-

When we got home, Luke and Ashton helped me put my clothes away. It was a bit awkward because they were doing all the talking and laughing, while I gave a smile or nod, a one worded answer at the most.

"Dinner is almost ready you three." I heard Michael say and they nodded. He left my room and I shifted in my spot as I rocked back and forth on my feet. I pulled my Ipod out and changed the song that was playing.

'Smells Like Teen Spirit' played and I shrugged. I put my phone back in my pocket and looked at my dresser and closet which were both half full.

"The rest of your clothes are off of the internet because you can't get good leather jackets and band shirts at stores." Ashton told me and I nodded, thanking the two quietly.

"You're welcome Collin." Luke said and I tensed a bit as he rubbed my back. "Now, are you ready to go eat or do you want to go change?" He asked and I thought about it.

"Can I change first?" I asked and the two nodded. They walked out and then closed the door after they left.

I went to my closet and then grabbed a loose long sleeved black shirt. I put it on and it showed my collarbones because the neckline was so big.

It was a girl's shirt but I don't think the guys realized it. I'm not complaining though. Girl's clothes are really smooth and soft.

You shouldn't be wearing girl clothes Collin. Even if it is just a shirt, you shouldn't have it on.

I played with the hem of it, but I couldn't bring myself to take it off. I sighed and then just went to the bathroom so I can wash my hands. After I dried them, I plugging my Ipod into its charger and then set it down on my bed.

I left my room and then went downstairs. I brushed my hair out of my face with my fingers and then went to the kitchen with the other guys.

"Go sit down with Michael Collin. It's almost finished." Luke told me and I nodded. I went to the dining table and sat down in front of Michael, who was dressed similarly to me.

"Is that a girl's shirt?" He questioned as I covered my mouth with my sleeve covered hand. "Are you wearing a girl's shirt?" He questioned with a smile on his lips.

"N-No?" I said and looked down. "Are you?" I asked him, my voice soft and not at all teasing or challenging.

"Yes." He said and I was taken back. He admitted it? He's okay with it? "This is a girl's shirt. It's really comfortable. It's soft and silky." He told me and smiled. "I'm pretty sure that shirt was in the girl's section as well."

"Maybe-Maybe it was." I mumbled and he chuckled, raising an eyebrow at me. "Okay, it was." I said and he told me it was nothing to hide.

I nodded and he went back on his phone. He didn't understand why it's hard for me to confess. If I tell him I like girl clothes, then it makes me feel as if it's not weird. It makes me feel as if wanting to wear dresses and short shorts is okay, but I was told it's not okay for a boy. It's not okay, it's wrong. I shouldn't want this.

"If it was so wrong Collin, why would it feel so right?" Michael asked and I looked up panicked. "You're whole inner thoughts just spilled right there buddy." He said softly, giving me a smile.

"I-I-"

"It's okay." Michael said as he stood up. He pushed his chair in and then sat down beside me. "If you want to wear those things, you can Collin, it's okay." Michael told me and I shook my head.

"It's wrong. I'm and boy and I shouldn't want that." I said and sighed. "I don't know. I'm just so confused right now." I said and covered my face.

"If you ever need to talk about it, I'm here okay? I understand what's going on, even if you don't yourself." He told me and smiled. "It's fine. It's nothing to stress or worry about Collin."

I nodded and thanked him quietly as the guys set plates down in front of us. I thanked Luke and he nodded, telling me it was nothing.

"So what did you guys talk about?" Ashton asked as he sat down in front of us with his own glass and plate. "Something interesting?"

"Just on how I like shopping in the girl's section every now and then. You know how I like their shirts, jeans, and how I wear eyeliner sometimes." Michael said and I looked at him.

"Oh, that's not very interesting." Ashton said and chuckled. "I know that. I was there when you took a whole hour to pick a brand of eyeliner."

"Yeah, don't complain. I know you had fun checking out the girls that were there."

"That is indeed true my friend."