Collin's point of view

"It started when I was maybe six, or seven." I told him and he nodded. "My mum and dad aways argued and my older brother would hide me away in his room to listen to music out on his balcony."

My hands tightened around the mug and Michael just looked at me as I spoke. "My dad always told us how he thought our mum was so lazy and never did anything. I remember it, every word. She doesn't cook. She doesn't clean. She doesn't help out either the kids." I said and looked at him.

"As I got older, it was constant. Everytime we were together he'd get angrier and angrier because he couldn't leave our mum. Not only did he not have a job to pay for the divorce papers and but she wouldn't let him. He told me. He said when he tried to leave her, she hid away all of his things, including the car keys and his clothes and stuff." I told him.

"Then, with the pressure of my dad's secrets, I had school drama. I wasn't popular and I wasn't smart. My grades never hit above a 'C' basically and I had the constant teasing and taunting from my peers. I was like nine Michael. Nine years old and I was being told I'm a loser and that my dad wants to divorce my mum. That I was a waste of space and useless." I practically cried to him.

"And-And then my brother left us for the army because that was his dream. He wanted to be a hero. He wanted to save lives and fight." I said and raised my shakey arm so I could drink some of my hot chocolate.

"Mum was a mess and dad kept yelling and throwing things. It got so bad that they'd both leave and I'd end up home alone at ten and eleven. I had to care for myself a bit and deal with things myself because I couldn't tell anyone. I had to be mature." I told him and he nodded.

"Teachers kept telling me that I'll never amount to anything with the way I act and the way my grades are. They said if I can't learn how to focus I'm going nowhere in life but to live in a garbage can." I said and chuckled even though it wasn't funny.

"Then my dad still couldn't get a job and my mum was working almost every day to keep the house and bills caught up. I mowed lawns, sold my games, did whatever I could to help because they're my parents, I had too. I didn't have a choice." I told him and my throat tightened.

"Then-Then one night when the bullying got bad, I went to their bedroom because my dad kept a gun in there for emergencies because he told me he got robbed one time." I said, swishing the dark liquid in my mug.

Michael's eyes widened and I chuckled humorlessly. "I was eleven. Eleven Michael. I was bullied because I wore the same two outfits to school because we couldn't afford clothes and because I was shy, quiet, and awkward. I was told my dad wanted to divorce my mum and my brother, my hero, wasn't there with me."

"It just got too much ya know? Too many secrets. Too much violence. Too many 'I don't care's and not enough 'I love you's." I said and gulped down the lump in my throat. "I wanted to end it. I did. It would have been pretty fucking great at that moment."

"Collin-"

"But I didn't." I said, cutting him off. "I couldn't. I wasn't... I couldn't bring myself to do it despite how much I wanted too. It felt so wrong, but it also felt so right. I remember holding that gun to my forehead, the cold metal, the rush of adrenaline, all of it." I told him and his eyes watered.

"I put the gun on the kitchen counter and left it there to go to sleep. When I woke up, there was screaming and shouting and crashes. I had to see what it was and I wish I hadn't." I said and sniffled.

"Co-Collin, you can-you can stop-"

"My dad, he was pointing a gun at my mum. He was-He was screaming about how she never did anything and how he was tired of her. And-And she was begging him not to and it was just-"

Michael set the mugs on to the coffee table and then he pulled me into a hug. "He made me killed her Michael. He-He told me to kill her because he trusted me and said I understood why. He told me she deserved it and I-I-He made me Michael." I sobbed and he rubbed my back.

"I didn't want to-I didn't. He made me and then-and then after he was angry, he cried and then he killed himself because it was his fault she died. But it wasn't-it was my fault. All my fault." I said and he shushed me.

"I tried killing myself Michael, I tried. I wanted to. It didn't feel wrong. It felt so right but then the neighbor bursted in and stopped me." I said and he kissed my head. "I wanted to... I want to..."

"Shh," Michael said and I cried into his shirt some more. "Don't-Don't say that." He said and I shook my head. "You don't."

"It's just so much Michael. It's too much." I said quietly and he rocked us side to side. "I'm fucked up Michael."

"Shh," he repeated as I sobbed, my body shaking as memories replayed in my head. "It's okay Collin. I told you, I promised you, you'll-you'll be okay." He told me and I gasped.

"That's why Michael. I carry around all those stupid memories of my haunting past." I cried and he fisted my shirt. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for buddy, not a single thing." He told me then he hugged me. "None of that is your fault Collin. I assure you. It's okay." He told me.

"My family is all dead Michael. My mum, my dad, my brother, they all died." I said and he told me it'll be okay. "I should be too." I said and he shook his head.

"No no no." He said and pulled me away from him. He cupped my face and looked me in the eyes. "Don't say that Collin. Please don't say that. Please. You shouldn't. We need you." He told me.

"You're worth something Collin. Trust me, you're fucking worth something okay?" He told me and I nodded. "You're so important and you're so amazing. It's going to be okay. Soon enough you'll be happy and you'll love your life."

"Lies." I said and moved away from him. "You don't think I've heard that before? It hasn't gotten better and it won't." I said and he grabbed my face again.

"You're only fourteen Collin. Fourteen. You're so young and you have so much life ahead of you. It will get better." He told me. "Trust me buddy, it will get better and you will be happy. You'll find a few best friends like you and then you'll live your dream and you'll be able to tell everyone who ever wronged you to kiss your ass."

"I fucking promise you Collin." He said and then kissed my forehead. "You'll get better and I'll be there with you every step of the way, I promise."

"No one ever keeps their promises to me..."

"Well I never break a promise Collin." He said and I nodded slowly. "I know it gets better. Trust me Collin." He said softly.

"How d-"

"Because I've been through a bit myself Collin." He said and I looked at him. "Not all of it, and I couldn't imagine going through that at your age, but bullying and shit, been there and still am there."

"You're kidding." I said and he shook his head. "Why?"

"Because I was a loser, simple as that. I wasn't popular with the girls and I'd rather play guitar than a sport. I'd rather sleep than go out and I'd rather play video games than be around people." He told me and he let go of me.

"I was told I wasn't going to amount to anything in life because I was different. I was told being in a band was crazy and I was insane for thinking that I could do this. Teachers told me to give up and focus on my grades." He said and smiled softly.

"Look where I am now though Collin. I'm living with my best friends, our band is super popular, and I'm only nineteen." He said. "Things get better. Sure, hate and really harsh critics still happen but that comes with this career." He told me.

"But you dropped out. I-I can't do that."

"You don't have too. I wouldn't want you to take the easy way out of this. Collin, you just gotta stay strong and be yourself buddy, even if someone tells you that you're insane and need to rethink your life choices." He told me.

"It's easier said than done Michael. You can't exactly do that when you can barely speak at school." I said and looked at him. "I can't."

"You can." He said. "I believe in you. All four of us believe in you. Now, all you need to do is believe in yourself for us, for you. You can get through anything as long as you stay strong and keep your chin up." He told me and tilted my head up.

"Hey you two, what are you doing? Collin has to get to school in a bit and he's not even dressed." I heard Luke's sleepy voice.

I'm not emotionally and mentally ready for school right now.

"Luke, do you think he could stay home today? I don't think the poor boy isn't feeling very well." Michael said and pressed a hand against my forehead. "He's feeling a bit under the weather."

"Are you okay Collin?" Luke asked and walked over, his arms around his stomach. "Buddy, you have tear stains on your cheeks." He said and I looked down.

"Just a bit... upset." I said and he nodded. "My um head hurts a lot so Michael took me out here for some hot chocolate." I told him and he nodded.

"Fine, you can stay home today. Take a few pain killers and then get up to bed okay? Sleeping helps." He said and I nodded, thanking him.

"Come on." Michael said and I nodded. I stood up with him and he took me to the kitchen while Luke went to his room.

He ran the tap and then closed a cabinet door to make it seem like I took one. I smiled and then thanked him. "It's fine. I don't want you going to school when you're obviously not ready."

"Can we... Can we go up to your room again Michael?" I asked him and he nodded. I flowed him to his too as he shut lights off and then I closed the door behind me.

"Come on buddy," he said and I got on to his bed. I laid down and then he pulled the blanket over me. "Just know, everything will be alright buddy. You'll be alright."

"Thank you," I said and he nodded as he played with my hair. I closed my eyes and then the began to hum to his own sing.

"When you've got bigger plans that no one else understands, you've got shot though," he sang and I smiled a bit because I loved his voice and this song.

"They say we're losers we're alright with that," he mumbled and then chuckled as he hummed some more, switching the lyrics around.

"You're alright though, yeah you're alright though..."