It was hard coming off the drugs. Idina was irritable. She'd been told they were more addictive than first expected; however, the small decreases did not seem to be triggering any major withdrawals. She could still feel the difference. Her symptoms were coming back. She was having more bad days. Little things were annoying. Aaron following her around too closely, Walker asking too many questions, Erika just being Erika. She was constantly watching herself and double-checking herself.

Also, she wanted a hysterectomy, or at least to get her tubes tied. She wasn't going to have another kid. And if her past experiences taught her anything it was that she was hyper fertile, getting pregnant whether it was planned or not. And she was getting nowhere. No doctors wanted to touch her with a thousand-foot pole. Did she have her husband's approval? Fuck off she was forty-nine and could make her own choices, thank you very much. It seemed she was a bit too emotional to be making this decision right now and they do not want to be liable in a few months when menopause kicked in and she realized she wanted another child or her husband did. She already had three, why would she want more babies? They argued she wouldn't be thinking that in a few months. She'd clearly cracked once at the idea of going infertile and had a kid and she had always been public about Aaron wanting a kid, now there was nothing she could do to convince anyone he did not want more and if he did that his problem, not hers. 

Then she made a social media rant about it and donated the money she could have used to get the procedure to Planned Parenthood because she did not want it anymore. Fuck everyone was her new motif, one that had her face in a semi-permanent scowl. 

Nothing was going her way. She couldn't get anywhere with a solid court date to adopt Erika. As much as she wanted one now, she did not want to show up so irrational. Nothing was for certain until they signed the papers. And yet it was not fair to Erika to postpone anything longer than necessary, especially if it gave her relatives more time to decide someone was going to do the dirty work and get the inheritance. Idina still had no idea how much money there was. Carlyle was working like mad trying to get investments and properties appraised and the currencies converted for an estimated sum. He was also trying to get access to the full will but could not. He seemed to think it would be easier if they became Erika's legal guardians because then he'd be acting on behalf of the beneficiaries. 

The summer was almost over, and it felt like she'd accomplished nothing. She was just so irritated all the time. 

"Mommy?" she heard Walker call out. 

She was in the den, answering emails, trying to figure out how she was supposed to do press with epilepsy. She said she'd still do interviews, but they were saying red carpet or bust. She wanted them to sign papers saying they'd take responsibility for anything medical that might arise from that. They told her she was overreacting. Then she filed no confidence and cited her medical safety clause in her contract. Now they were in a frustrating stalemate and she hated her lawyer. Carlyle didn't do this type of stuff and he was the only lawyer she wanted to deal with right now. 
Closing the laptop, she beckoned her son in. He sat on her lap and hugged her.

"What's the wrong Pumpkin?" she asked, hugging him back.

"Nothing," he said shyly. "I just want a hug."

Idina smiled and held him tightly. "Feeling better?" she asked.

"Do you still need a hug?"

"Hm, I thought you wanted one little man," she teased, tickling him.

"Yeah, cause you need a hug so when you don't need one, I won't need one," he replied.

"I still need a hug," she replied.

"Why don't you come out and play?" he asked. "We can go to the park again, that was fun when we went last time." He paused. "Or we could play basketball in the backyard," he said.

"I need to get some work done," she said, "but I'll come out in a little bit, okay Pumpkin?"

"How long's a little bit?" he asked.

"It's a little bit," she replied, fully unsure when she would actually be done. 

"But how long?" he insisted.

"I don't know sweetie," she replied.

"So you're most coming out to play," he said. 

"I never said that," Idina said softly, trying not to get frustrated with him. 

"But that's what always happens when you work," he complained. "Whenever you have to work it's always later and you never spend time with me and now there are more people who you have to spend time with so now you'll spend less than never a time with me." 

"Could you give me half an hour?" she caved.

"Really?" he asked, excited. He sat up straight and smiled. "Like an actual half-hour? Can I time it? And then you'll play outside?"

"Yes Walk, you can time it," she confirmed. "After thirty minutes I'll come out."

He was grinning from ear to ear as he ran off to the kitchen to start the timer as soon as possible. Taye wasn't around to take him when she was working now. It had always been easier if he was out of the house when she was busy, then he didn't know and did not feel like she was ignoring him. At least now there were more people in the house. Hopefully, he wouldn't be too lonely. If he were, she'd talk to Aaron about it. It was his duty now. He was stepping up. They both knew spending time with Aaron was never going to be the same as spending time with Idina, but Idina hoped it would at least make things easier for him.

She turned back to her emails, determined to get something done and feel accomplished, resigning herself to the idea that she was going to drop anything, no matter what she was in the middle of.

The timer went off and she had gotten nowhere. Walker must have been standing outside the door because he was instantly pulling her out of the chair.

"Not so fast buddy," she said as he almost pulled her over.

"You said you'd play with me," he huffed. "Please, mom?"

"I will walk," she said.

"BUT there's always a but!"

"No, there isn't," she said quietly, trying to bring the volume down. "I just don't want to fall over Walkie, okay? I meant slow down speed wise, that's it."

"Oh," he sighed, looking down sheepishly.

She hugged him. "I want to spend time with you Pumpkin, okay? And it kills me that I can't all the time because I have to go to the doctors or take care of the triplets. But I always want to spend time with you."

"Why don't you quit your job?"

"How do feel about moving into a smaller house with no basketball court?"

"Can we put one in?"

"Not if I quit my job."

"But I thought we were rich."

"We are."

"Then why can't you quit?"

"Because we live a rich lifestyle. I spend a similar percent of my income keeping the house and putting food on the table. It's definitely not as much as people who put everything into what they have and I'm able to put away savings, but this house is expensive, and it leaks cool air in the summer. Your basketball court cost money and the permits to pave that much for the backyard were hard to get. How many thousands have I spent on shoes for you?"

"A lot," he said.

"If I stop work, we can get you fifty-dollar sneakers like all the other kids and you can go to the public school that doesn't have a little league basketball team. We have a lot, yes, but we also spend a lot and I need to work to keep it up. If you'll be happier with mommy working less, then we can arrange that, but you can't have everything. What do like more?"

"Um," he said, looking everywhere but her face. "I like everything we have..."

"And that's okay," she replied, "I want you to, that's why I'm working so hard."

"But I want to spend time with you when you're not asleep or having medical issues."

"I know, and some of that is on me for not making the time. But it's never going to be every hour of every day."

He nodded, making Idina smile. Kids were smarter than people gave them credit for. She always tried to talk things out with Walker instead of getting mad. It was an issue her generation had grown up with, parents who got mad at kids for not being adults and she was determined to break the cycle. She was ashamed of her generation in many ways and wanted to raise Walker to be different. She wanted to raise all her kids to be different, and it started with understanding and empathy. Besides, yelling never got anywhere. It made everyone mad, it increased her stress levels, and it made her baby boy cry.

"I'm doing my best, Walk," she said. "And I know I'm not perfect, but I'm doing my best. All I ask is that you do your best as well."

"Okay mom," he said, reaching out to hug her. She picked him up and carried him outside to the patio, his head nestled in the crook of her neck, limbs dangling. He was getting so big. Soon she would not be able to carry him anymore.

Aaron was at the barbecue. He had some skewers going and was roasting pineapple. It smelled amazing. Her stomach grumbled. She kissed his cheek, still rubbing Walker's back comfortingly. Jane, Helen, and Erika had laced a blanket on the ground and were playing with the triplets. They were all little movers now, fussy, and not wanting to stay still with so much yard to explore. Summer was almost over. She'd be obligated to go back to work, no more postponements when her leave was up, and Walker and Erika would be in school. Aaron and Jane would be taking care of the triplets all day and they might have to call in some additional help as the bigger they got the more they needed one adult per infant. She was aching to be able to feed them again, to be their mother. The special one in their life and have that connection to them. Coming off the drugs wasn't all bad. She just had to find the silver linings.

"Can we play?" Walker asked impatiently, squirming to be let down. 

"Sure," she said.

"TAG YOU'RE IT!" he yelled, shoving her into Aaron and dashing towards the treehouse. 

Oh no he didn't. She charged after him. He made it to the treehouse and up the ladder, but she was on before he was able to pull it up.

"I'm going to tickle you when I catch you!" she teased as she chased him up.

"You can't catch me, you're a scaredy-cat!" he exclaimed as he crawled out one of the windows.

"Walk, no," she said sternly, trying desperately to get up faster.

"I do it all the time, you're a spoil," he complained as he lowered himself onto a branch.

"He'll be fine Dee!" Aaron called from across the yard.

She scowled at her husband but waiting until she was sure her son was jumping before they got off the ladder. She chased him around the yard, around the flower beds, under the trampoline, trying to corner him somewhere but he was nimble and quick and always managed to dodge her. But she had the height advantage and eventually caught up. When Walker noticed his mom was gaining, he beelined to the triplet's play mat and picked one of them up.

"Baby shield," he said, shoving Zephyr in his mom's face.

The baby seemed a bit shocked but otherwise fine. He reached out for his mom, babbling contently. 

"Nu-uh," Idina said, shaking his head. She had not just chased Walker all that way just for this. "I'll just have to tickle the both of you," she said, crossing her arms.

"No!" Walker shrieked, putting Zephyr down and running away. "You can't catch me!" he teased from over by the basketball net. He climbed the pole.

"You're too sho-ort!" 

"Oh my god what's wrong with him," she moaned aloud to her mom.

"You, honey," Helen replied sweetly. "He's your son through and through."

"Do you think he'll come down if I just stay here?"

"Did you ever come down if Stephen or I stopped playing?"

"No," she sighed. "Erika, how keen are you to stand on my shoulders?"

"Um, not very," she replied.

"Worth a shot," Idina said.

Walker made faces at her perched on the top. At least she looked stable. His foot was dangling down. Maybe she could get it if she jumped. She walked over, trying not to alert him and...

"Gotcha!" she exclaimed as she tapped his shoe. 
He slid down the pole in seconds and bear tackled her to the grass patch behind the hoop. 

"You're it again," he exclaimed with a wide, contagious smile of pure joy. 

Idina shook her head, laughing a bit. She rolled over and punned him down, tickling him.

"Not so fast, there's the ten-second rule," she informed him. "And I get to tickle you. Those are rules. Play with mommy and mommy gets to tickle you."

"I never agreed to this!" he huffed through giggles. "Help me! Erika, Grandma, Aaron, help me!" he called out, trying to get free on his own. No one came to his immediate rescue. Idina was the queen bee. No one messed with her if they knew what was good for them. 

"Erika please!" Walker begged, knowing Idina would let Erika mess with her. Mostly because the star would be so shocked the teen dared to do anything. 
She looked over and Helen seemed to be encouraging in her. The girl looked at Walker with a stern expression that told Idina she was considering it. Helen took baby Soren from her, a definite attempt to get her to go. 

Idina sighed internally. Erika probably wanted to, but she wouldn't. It was awkward, but it was one of those social boundaries that never broke if no one tried to push them. And Erika would always be scared of pushing boundaries, always scared something she did would break whatever they had, and she'd be alone again. 

"Come on," Idina encouraged, trying to seem inviting. It was a fair walk, she realized. Maybe it would be less awkward if she did not have to walk across the yard. Or stand up. And have all that premeditation. 
Erika's attention drifted back to the babies and Idina sighed. It progressed. And she wanted the girl to be more comfortable around the babies anyway, so if she was playing with them it was good. She would bond with them, maybe in a way she wouldn't with her, or Aaron and it would be something positive for the rest of her life. 

It was three in the morning and the triplets were sleeping but Idina and Aaron were still awake. Jane had fallen asleep in her room, so it was just the two of them up. They were cuddling on the couch, Idina in a much better mood than she had been for a while.

"Good day?" Aaron asked. 

Idina nodded through a yawn. "First good one in a while," she replied. 

"Good," he replied, kissing her forehead. 

"I think we really need to assess if Walk can see his grandparents," Idina said. "I don't want to leave him alone with them until we know if Taye's message was bs, but he needs people. We can't give him all the attention he's used to. I don't want him to suffer just because we have the triplets; he'll grow to resent them."

"I think that's a good idea," Aaron said. "I do think this is getting to him more than he's letting on."

"Me too, and Aaron?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't feel bad about replacing Taye. If you think it's better to Walk go ahead. I need to start thinking about what he needs more, it's killing me to see him getting so worked up all the time." She kissed his shoulder and laid her head down on his chest. "I just want him to be okay."

"He will be," Aaron assured her. "In the end, we all will be."

"You don't know that."

"I have a gut feeling."

"That doesn't mean anything."

"I once had a gut feeling you were the only girl for me when you and Taye broke up that one time and you had revenge sex with every single male you knew. It might have taken over a decade, but I think I was right."

"If you ever bring that up again, I'll make sure you're dead wrong."

"Noted," Aaron replied with a chuckle.

"I think we broke it because I wrote a song about him," she mused. "Chocolaty Boyfriend. He hated it." She frowned. "He also said I couldn't write my own music and that obviously wasn't true. I get some weird satisfaction from imaging someone has a recording of it somewhere that got leaked to YouTube and all the views are him listening to it over and over and over again. Or maybe he can just play I Do over and over again. He can do whatever he wants, I just realized I really don't care anymore. I was worried for a while being ambivalent it bad, but I just feel so much lighter not caring period."

"That's good honey," Aaron replied, kissing the top of her head again. "I can make some calls tomorrow morning if you want and see if they want to come over and visit Walk. And we can vet them before they get anywhere near Soren and  Zeph."

"I love Soren and Zeph," she mumbled with a light smile on her lips. 

"Me too."

Idina yawned again. "I'm pooped," she said. "I really don't know how I'm supposed to do red carpet press with the seizures though. There's not going to be enough time to get off these meds and start seizure ones before September. And that's assuming we get the first go. And I don't want to start seizure meds. It's too much. I need something consistent and I want to do what's best for the triplets and maybe figure out a bit what my normal is now that I'm not pregnant. Maybe we can figure out how to better treat it if we know what's going on." She trailed off but did nothing to indicate she was expecting a response. Aaron checked us to make sure. "No, I was just thinking aloud. So you know what I'm thinking and then we're on the same page."

"Want to do some thinking aloud in the bedroom, sleepyhead?"

"Mhmm I don't wanna move," she complied. 
"I'll move you."

"Well that's your issue then," she informed him.
He lifted her and carried her to their room. She was back to her pre-pregnancy weight for sure, the healthy pre-pregnancy weight. He told her as such as he laid her down on the bed. 

"I don't see it," she told him, poking her stomach. Idina pouted. "I still feel out of shape "

"Being skinny and being in shape are two different things," he reminded her. 

"We should take the triplets out jogging more," she said. "We didn't get that stroller for nothing. We also have double and single so that I could take the boys, and you take Cindy. Or vice versa."

"That would be nice," he said as he went over to the dresser and pulled out pyjamas. He tossed her a light summer nightgown; one he'd gifted to her after she'd commented about wanting something like it. She'd wanted to sleep with him, but he was acting clueless because she was so adorable when she was flustered, and they were still dating and he hadn't wanted to let things develop too quickly in case it backfired. 

They both changed then climbed into bed together. He kissed her, then he kissed her neck, nibbling a bit.
"No," she said, and he reflexively stopped. "I don't want to get pregnant again," she reminded him.

"We're being safe."

"Accidents happen and I can't deal with it," she told him. "I'm really sorry but until I can get some stupid clinic to pull my organs out I just can't. And from experience, I'm clearly hyper fertile. I've gotten pregnant every time I've tried. Even when I wasn't, so a slip up be very bad."

"If you want me to sign stuff, I'll do it," he replied, knowing her struggles.

"It's about principle, Aaron. I'm forty-nine and it's the twenty-first century. I should be allowed to get sterilized without my husband's approval. I should be able to do it whether I'm married or not or have kids or not. It's ludicrous."

"Is there anything I can do?" he asked.

She shook her head, then looked thoughtful. "You could get a vasectomy! Fuck why didn't I think of that sooner."

"Dee..." he said, unsure. It was shocking. He couldn't quite visualize how he felt.

"What?" she asked calmly, concerned. "It's perfect. It'll be easier for you and we don't have to worry about the anesthesia messing with my meds or my head. I get that it's a big decision and a big as I know. I've had to deal with my biological clock all my life. But Aaron, we are not having more babies. I get that I didn't have a good follow-through last time I said but I'm serious this time. It's not going to be good for me physically or mentally. If I get pregnant, it could kill me. . And if I get my tubes tied instead of a full hysterectomy there's still a very, very small chance that something could still happen and we could end up with an ectopic pregnancy or some other shit that'll kill me if we don't pick up on it early enough. I don't think my body will hold out. But in all likelihood, it would end it another miscarriage and... well, that's not going to end well." She paused. "So I don't want to force you to do anything but that's my angle."

He nodded. "Can I think about it?" he asked.

"Yeah, of course," she replied softly, stroking his cheek. She kissed the corner of his mouth.

Erika's glasses came in, and the optometrist was right, she did see a difference She didn't notice until they were in the car and the horizon was something else. Everything hadn't been blurry, perse, but there had been a little bit of a glare, a little double, crisp but unviewable. She'd thought it had been normal. She knew it wasn't. She must have looked amazed because Aaron commented on it, making Idina cackle.

The summer was almost over, and it was definitely the best summer she had ever had. It was a hard summer, she couldn't lie, but that did not stop it from being the best. Idina was always saying she was sorry she couldn't get the court date. Erika was never sure it was okay to tell her that she had never cared about the court date. It seemed like a stupid technicality that meant nothing. Nothing stopped parents from giving their legal children up for adoption and nothing would stop them from giving their legally adopted children up for re-adoption. 
She liked sitting beside Idina though and didn't mind having a baby set in her arms if she was. The babies were cute, and they were babbling all the time. She wondered if they had a secret language as they'd babble to each other. Aaron seemed to think they were just mimicking what they saw everyone else doing. She bounced Zephyr up and down on her knee. He was certainly the most curious. Soren was the calmest and fussiest. Everything had to be just right. Lucinda was a wild card who would one day decide something was no longer fine and make her displease known. 

The baby was griping her pinkie with his full fist and gumming his other hand. She was being careful he didn't decide her new glasses were a playboy. All three of them loved grabbing anything interesting insight, though maybe they were used to glasses as Jane sometimes wore glasses.

"I think he likes you," Idina said. "That's baby death grip," she said, pointing to Zephyr's clenched fist. "It's the 'I'm gonna take your finger with me if you leave' grip."

"I can feel it," she chuckled. She tickled his cheek and smiled, and Zephyr giggled and looked up at her, awing as he did so. 

Idina didn't have a baby for once. Soren and Lucinda were with their dad and grandmother, having a blast playfighting Aaron and chasing him around. Louie was staring at them intently from behind the baby gate, tail wagging whenever they got close. He was still too excitable around them and they were too small to know how to play nice, so it was just safer for everyone if they were separated with this high energy.

Idina's phone rang.

"It's Nani!" Walker called from across the house. "Can I talk to her, please mom?" he begged, waiving the phone.

"Sure Pumpkin," Idina called back. "But if she says anything you don't like you're allowed to hang up on her, okay?"

"Yes," he said.

"And you've got come in here," she reminded him.
Erika wasn't sure what was going on between them, but she knew there was some bad blood between Idina and Taye's parents. Of course, there was. But Walker adored them, which meant Idina did too.

"How's New York?" he asked as he let himself in the gate, using his foot to keep the dog out. He sat down beside Erika and rubbed Zephyr's head. "That's so cool! Yeah, we got a new puppy! Well, he's not technically a puppy but he's really small..." Walker ranted, going on and on a mile a minute.

Idina reached over and rubbed his back with a supportive smile on her face as he spoke. They sat there for quite some time. Aaron went to the kitchen to start supper while Helen came to the sofa with Lucinda and Soren. Jane came down from the second floor where she'd been taking a nap and sat down on the floor by Idina, taking Soren as she passed and putting him on his mother's lap, making Idina smile in thanks. 

They talked quietly while Walker ran a marathon catching his grandparents up on everything from his progress on Angry Birds to a blow by blow of his latest basketball game.  

Erika rested her head on Idina's shoulder as she pulled her closer and closed her eyes. Idina rubbed her arm and Erika was at the same time hyper-aware of it and barely notice it at all. She was used to it in an odd turn of events she had never expected and because of that, she was fixated on the fact that Idina did it so effortlessly. Erika could never quite figure out physical contact, what it meant when others did it or what she was supposed to do in a given situation but Idina made it easier and she was fine just letting her do her thing. 

"' Dina? You okay?" Jane asked.

Erika looked up. Idina had stopped rubbing her arm and looked a bit distant. Walker shushed his grandmother. 

"I'm..." she paused, staring tentatively at nothing. "No, I'm okay, I'm good," she said after a moment, shaking off whatever spell had taken her. 

"Mom?" Waler asked quietly. 

She turned and smiled at him. "I'm fine baby," she replied. "Just zoned out for a moment." She looked down at Soren and cooed at him. 

Erika exhaled and nestled herself against Idina again. She really hoped the star was amazed to find something that helped or found a way to function. She was good on most days, but her bad days were always horrible, and sometimes it felt like there was no in-between, only a prolonged period of things being bad, but not as bad as they could be.

Some things just became normal after a while. Things that to anyone on the outside would seems insane and impossible. At some point, it just became second nature that you don't remember life before. You don't remember life before Idina had appointments on the calendar and when silence meant something could be wrong. You learnt terminology you never knew existed and relearnt actions and their meanings and a haze follow you around wherever you go. You learn to talk differently. 

There were a few things Walker was learning that she already knew. How to walk around the house like you weren't there. How to de-escalate a situation. How to zone out and act like none of it mattered. How to put on a fake face for friends. How to more in doing nothing that you ever could doing something, but most of all how to not be okay and still somehow muddle through. 

She figured this is what it meant to care about someone. She still wasn't sure she got the appeal. But she knew either way she was stuck.