Aaron woke up, his arm feeling numb. Idina was laying with her head on his shoulder, squeezing his arm.

"Dee," he whispered.

She was asleep, her face taught. She looked worried and stressed and he did not blame her.

"Dee," he said shaking her. "Baby, wake up honey."

She groaned and tugged his arm more. It took a moment, but he managed to gently wake her up.

"Sorry honey," he said gently, "my arm was numb."

"Oh," she mumbled, turning over and grabbing a pillow.

"Dee?" he asked, running his fingers through her hair. "Are you feeling alright?"

"No," she said, brushing him off.

He drew himself closer and she brushed him off again.

"I'm sorry," she snapped, "for hurting your arm. So can just leave me alone now."

"I'm not leaving you alone," he told her. "Not right now."

"Then don't touch me," she huffed, not looking at him.

"I'm not mad, Dee," he explained, "you just cut off the blood to my arm, it's fine. You can still cuddle me. Come on, I'll be your mattress."

"No," she said. "Just be glad I'm in the same room as you and leave me alone," she repeated. Then she stopped talking to him.

~

The triplets were having the biggest fit of their lives. They were practically purple, and no one had any idea what to do. Even Jane couldn't come with some miracle after all of her time nannying. Idina was having none of it. She was hiding in the bedroom, pillows over her ears, trying to block out the noise that was giving her a headache made for the Guinness World Records. It had been going on for a few solid hours since they'd woken up at around five in the morning.

Aaron knocked on the door. "Hey," he said. "I got you some ibuprofen."
She ignored him as he came over to the side of their bed, rubbed her exposed foot, and tried to hand her the tablets. She turned away from him.

"Dee, honey, even if you don't come down it'll make you feel better. A lot better. Why don't you go and walk Louie with Erika and Walker? The fresh air will be nice and Helen, Jane, and I will take care of the triplets. I'm sure they both want to spend time with you."

She grunted. It was something, Aaron assured himself.

"And I'll take Erika to the eye doctor unless you want to do that," he continued, moving a bit closer. "But you'll have to come to your doctor's appointment. They want to consult you about the plan to come off the drugs, so you need to be there in person. I don't think there's a dress code though, so you don't even need to put in the effort to change."

"I want to stay on the drugs," she moaned. "I don't want to go through withdrawal as well. I can't fucking take any of this anymore."

"I know, love," he said, rubbing her back.

"No you don't!" she exclaimed, turning over and away from him. She was about to say more when Walker came in, diving onto the bed.

"Are you awake, mommy?" he squealed excitedly.

"Yeah," Idina sighed, unable to find the energy to match his enthusiasm.

"Are you okay mom?" he asked, sitting up and staring down at her with a concerned frown. "Are you feeling good enough to watch my game after supper tonight?"

The wailing of the triplets wafted up the stairs and she groaned, pulling the pillows over her head.

"Aaron has stuff you help your head," he said. He laid down and cuddled her. "You took the medicine today, right? All of it, cause like you still have to be on it," Walker said. "Aren't you still supposed to take it, like didn't Aaron say you couldn't just stop? Are you okay mommy?"

She grunted again. It was too many questions all at once. "I um, I want to see the game," she mumbled.

"Dee?" Aaron asked. "Is everything fuzzy today?"

"Mom?" Walker demanded when Idina did not respond instantly.

"Walk, give her a moment, okay bud?" he ran his hand through her hair. Walker nodded and looked down at his mother, concerned, then he hugged her. "Dee, honey, can you sit up? Walk, close the door. Maybe stick a blanket along the bottom to help muffle the noise." The boy nodded and did what she was told while Aaron tried to coax a coherent response from his wife.

"My... head hurts," she mumbled.

"Is it getting worse?" Aaron asked.

"My head hurts," she repeated. It seemed to be the only thing she was thinking.

"Dee, Hun, this will help," Aaron said, opening her palm and dropping some pills in.

"I think I'm going to throw up," Idina said.

"Well you'll have to sit up then," Aaron said, not quite believing her.

To his surprise, Idina did so begrudgingly. The doorbell rang, signalling the security had arrived so that Walker and Erika could take Louie out for his stroll. On queue, Idina threw herself over the side of the bed and threw up, away from the carpet. Aaron leaned over and rubbed her back.
She sat up, looking miserable and glaring at him with her 'I told you so' face.

"How are you feeling?" he asked for what felt like the millionth time even though he had a pretty good idea. He wanted a better one. A more accurate one.

"My head hurts," she repeated.

"Maybe some air would help?" Walker asked, excited and high-pitched. "You could come out and walk Louie!"

"Walker," she said, seemingly now just realizing the kid was here. "Not so loud, kay Pumpkin?"

"Oh," he said quietly, "sorry mom."
Idina pouted and reached out to hug him, a fist still clenched around the pills.

"Walk, why don't you get ready and Dee will come down when she feels a bit better?"

"You just want me to go downstairs," he accused as Idina hugged him tighter and secretly gave Aaron a death glare. She let go of him to puke again.

"I'll get a bowl," Walker said, patting his mom in the back.

"Take the meds," Aaron said after Walker had left. "You're not pregnant and you're not breastfeeding, and you are allowed to mix these over-the-counter drugs with your meds, so you've got no excuse." Maybe some tough love would work. "And frankly the floor isn't going to handle any more vomit, Dee."

She pouted and hugged him. Shocked, he inhaled sharply at her touch. Then she started crying silently.

"Oh baby," he said, letting her rest her head on his lap. "Pease take the tablets, Dee, and have some water."

She plopped them in her mouth and swallowed them dry. "It's my new superpower," she mumbled, adjusted herself and using his thigh as a pillow. "Are they the drowsy ones? I kind of want the drowsy ones, I really don't feel good I won't be mad if they are."
"Yeah," he admitted. "They're the drowsy ones."

"Look at you, lying to make me look after myself by giving me drowsy pills cause I'm stubborn. And someone's going to ha e to clean up the puke before it stains the floor, and we can never get the smell out of the floorboards."

"Go for a walk with the kids and I'll clean it."

"You gave me drowsy pills."

"You can suck it up. Plus you always say they work better."

She put an arm around his thigh and nestled down as if he was her pillow. "They work better because I still don't want to hear your voice and would rather be sleeping," she mumbled, no malice on her voice. She almost sounded affectionate.
The triplets hadn't cried in a while. Aaron doubted they were sleeping, but if they were placid maybe Idina would play with them. She needed to get out of bed. It was the start, but once Idina started she wouldn't stop.

He ran his fingers through her hair, pulling out some of the tangles and she sighed contently.

There was a knock on the door. "Walk said Dee threw up," Helen said, coming in carrying some cleaning supplies and a bucket. "Aw, honey, you don't look very good."

"I don't feel very good," Idina replied. She pulled a blanket over her head.
Helen handed her the bowl and sprayed some spray on the vomit puddle. "Why don't you get some air?" Helen said softly.

"Really, you're not telling me too or else?" Idina asked, perking up.

"I think you're having a very bad day. I don't think you're being difficult. "
"I'm not difficult," she mumbled. "I'm cake, tell her honey."

"She's cake, Helen," Aaron said with a chuckle. "And cake goes outside and has walks with her kids."

"Cake's thrown up on the floor," she said.

"Are you going to clean it up then?" Helen asked.

"I really don't feel good mom," Idina replied.

"I know honey, Aaron and I are trying to help you feel better," she said, putting the cleaning products on the floor and coming over to pad her daughter's head. "But laying around all day isn't going to make you feel any better."

"I do want to spend time with Walk and Erika..."

"And they want to spend time with you," her mother said.

"Are the triplets okay?" she finally asked.

"Yeah, love," Helen said. "They're okay. We got them something to eat and now they're playing."

"Mhmm, that's good," she mumbled, her eyes closing. A few seconds later she had fallen asleep in her husband's lap.

"How many pills did she take?'

"Three," Aaron said. "But the meds make her groggy too." He ran his hands through her hair and studied her face. He did not want to move her. "And she didn't sleep well last night, and she had a seizure yesterday..."

"How are you holding up?" Helen asked. "I don't really have to go back if you still need an extra hand, I'm willing to stay as long as you need."

"That's a lovely offer, but I think Dee's getting sick of you."

"I'm her mother, of course, she is," Helen chuckled. "But I'm serious, Aaron, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine," he sighed. He wasn't.

"I know you're not."

"I'm fine, Helen, honestly."

"Aaron Lohr you are not fine young man, and you will tell me what's wrong this instant, do you hear me?" Helen said, instantly switching into mom mode. Aaron had observed Idina do it a thousand times, but he had never been on the receiving end. All of a sudden, he was twelve again.

"I'm worried about Dee," he admitted.

"And?"

"And..." he trailed off. "I'm worried about my wife. And I'm worried about her every waking second, and sometimes in my sleep. And I think if this is how worried I am I wonder just how worried Walker and Erika truly are. And sometimes I wonder what it's going to be like for the triplets growing up if things don't get better and I worry I can't do all of this alone of I need to."

"Aaron," Helen said, putting an arm around him and staring him in the eyes. "You will never have to do this alone. That's my promise, and a dozen of other peoples'. Stewart will drop everything if you or Dee asks, Cara too. Your sisters are lovely and are a great help and I'm sure they'd do the same. Jane's bloody fantastic don't you ever let her go. You're not alone."

"I feel pretty alone."

"Elaborate," Helen ordered.

"Well, when Dee's crying in the middle of the night, or a mood, or anything, it's always me. She doesn't want anyone else seeing her like that, or even knowing it happens and that's all on me."

"Aaron, if you ever need help with something you can ask me."

"Honestly, Helen, I don't think you'll be able to help. You know how she gets, and now everything's ramped up to overdrive." He looked back down at Idina who was showing no signs of being awake. "God, I hope Walker makes it out okay. I'm not so worried about Erika. I know she's worried, but I also know we're the best that's ever happened, even with all of this insanity and I know anything we do is better than nothing and while we both want to give her more I try and not feel like a failure by reminding myself its better than nothing. This still makes me feel bad because I love her, and I don't want her settling for something when she deserves so much more. She deserves so much more than what we're giving her. Walker and the triplets too but there's nothing we can do but try and make the best of it."

Helen was rubbing his back. She put her head on his shoulder and comforted him. "Erika and Walk know you're doing everything for them. And Walker knows how much you're doing for Idina. He sees it every day. You're his hero. Erika's improving because you care enough to do something as simple as asking her how her mornings going or picking her up from work when it's raining. It's always going to be the little things for her. You're right and it shouldn't be, but it is. Maybe you should go out and walk the dog with them. I'll make sure Dee's okay."
It took Aaron a moment to be convinced. He quizzed Helen on different symptoms, which could be alarming, anything that could indicate something was wrong with Idina. What to do if she woke up confused, dazed, or any of the other things she sometimes was in the morning because her brain decided it needed an off day and to hell if Idina actually needed her brain or not.
He was certain she'd know if he was gone even if he made it back and she was still asleep. She said she didn't want him around, but she wouldn't be clinging to him if that was true. She was frustrated at herself and trying to punish herself by taking something she loved away, and he was not going to let her do that.

"She'll be fine," Helen said. "Now go before they leave."

"You'll wake her up if she's having a nightmare?" Aaron asked and Idina mumbled something, rolling over.

"Yes," Helen said, "Dee will be fine."
Aaron sighed, lightly brushing his wife's face. She seemed okay now and if he made it back before she woke up it would be like nothing happened for her.

"Come on," Helen said, "let's tuck her in, she'll be more comfortable."

"Okay," Aaron said, finally giving in. He got why Idina wasn't keen on leaving the triplets alone, especially when she had been breastfeeding. He felt like she was his responsibility, and no one should have to look after her but him. No one could. Not to mention she loved him, she came to him, and she needed him.

They carefully unwound Idina from Aaron's leg and tucked her in under the covers. She did not seem stressed or having a bad dream. He told her he'd be back before she knew he was gone.
He went downstairs.

"How mom?" Walker asked almost imminently.

"She fell asleep."

"That's good, right?" Walker asked. "Because she had a seizure yesterday?"

"It's good," he said, a bit demoralized. The boy did not notice.

"Will you come to walk Louie with us?"

"Yes," Aaron said with a smile.

Walker's smile grew wider and he jump-tackled his stepfather with a hug. He chuckled, taking a few steps backwards to stable himself while he lifted Walker.

"You're getting big, little man," he teased.

"Mhmm, big and strong like you," Walker replied with a grin, hugging him around the neck, his feet not touching the floor.

"Don't let Dee make how big your growing or she'll tell you to stop."

"She literally cannot make me stop growing."

"And you're going to tell her that," he said as he put Walker down.

"No, I'm not, you are," the boy replied before disappearing into the living room.

Aaron followed him. Erika, Manuel, and Jane were playing with the triplets. Louie was watching them intently, sitting straight and proud. He looked over to Aaron with a satisfied expression and wagged his tail as if he was bragging about what a good job he was doing making sure the little humans were alright. The babies were still a hit red-faced, but they were certainly happier now. They looked about ready to crash after a few hours of crying. Aaron wondered if he should tuck them in with Idina. She'd love waking up to that. But then there were a few too many logistics that would need to be sorted out and Idina was clinging to the pillows and blankets so those could not be removed for the babies' safety.

"I think in a half hour they'll be ready for a good rest," Jane said. "How's Idina doing?"

"Better than she was," he replied.
Aaron sat down beside Erika who was playing tug-a-war with Zephyr. He tickled the baby, who sneezed and let go of the toy. He stared at it in shock for a moment, before deciding to bite it. They both chuckled at the baby.

"I don't get his thought process," Erika chuckled.

"Me neither," Aaron replied.

Zephyr looked up at Aaron and raised his arms, opening and closing his fists, a clear sign he wanted his dad to pick him up. Aaron scooped up the boy, carefully in case he didn't let go of the toy. He stayed clamped on and Erika let it go.

Zephyr squealed in content and put two hands on Aaron's face, keychain toy still dealing from his mouth. Aaron blew him a kiss and received giggled in return. The babies were so happy it was contagious. Aaron smiled, his son's hand still on his cheeks. Aaron kissed each of his little palms and they were back poking his face as soon as he let them go.

"Is Louie ready for his walk?" Aaron asked, looking around for the dog.
The westie was near Jane, laying down and staring at Lucinda, who was staring back at him. Louie was protective of the babies and the babies liked him. They still weren't letting them crawl all over the dog, but there was mutual adoration. Louie walked up and gently nudged Lucinda, who giggled. Then the dog liked her, his tail wagging and the girl giggled even more. Louie turned back and stared at Aaron triumphantly. He could make the little humans laugh just as much as the big humans could.

"Ready for a walk?" Walker asked, holding up the red leash.

Louie instantly got more excited and nearly pounced on the boy. Walker picked him up, laughing as he did so. Miguel handed Soren to Jane and the four of them left the house.
Walker was instantly planning their route around the app Pokémon Go with Miguel occasionally telling him they could not go to a certain location. Walker would pout but he did fuss.

"If he's ever rude, let us know," Aaron whispered.

"He's not," Miguel assured him. "And I know he's dealing with a lot, but you've got two polite kids. Honestly, I don't mind walking a dog for a half-hour, it is the easiest job I've ever had."

Aaron smiled and thanked him again for keeping his kids safe. Once in a while, a picture got out, but for the most part, Erika's status as a foster child kept them at bay. And honestly, no one was too interested in them walking a dog. There were more articles about their scowling security guard now than there were about what type of ice creams the kids got. Miguel took it in stride. He thought it was hysterical.

Walker was invested in the game. He was bugging Erika about it too, wanting to see what was showing up on her screen and asking for trades. Erika didn't seem partial one way or another. They both seemed content and Aaron felt a genuine, unforced smile returning to his face. The fresh air was good. The kids were good.

At some point, Walker took his hand and Aaron ended up wrapping an arm around Erika, still smiling. Louie was investigating everything, always turning back to look up at them for approval before moving on. They made it to the dog park and threw around a ball until Louie was all tuckered out and trailed behind them as they went back to the house.

Aaron was in better spirits. The sun was on his face and he forgot for a while about Idina, but it all came rushing back in the second he stepped indoors. Where was Idina? Was she asleep? Okay? Did she miss him? Did she need him?

She needed him, he was sure, and he'd left. He was—

He had to stop. He was obsessing, just like Idina. Idina could barely mediate herself, she did not need her husband spiralling like her.

"Where's Dee?" he asked Helen. She was in the kitchen eating with Jane and offered some food to Miguel while motioning towards the living room.
Aaron sighed when he saw her. She was laying on her back on the couch, changed into a white top and a black past the knees skirt. Her shirt was rolled up and the boys were snoozing on her bare stomach. Lucinda was asleep on her chest under her shirt. She looked so relaxed, smothered in baby, with a knee raised and leaning against the head of the couch and her hand stroking the kids.

She smiled when she saw him. Aaron walked over and brought himself to her level. She was transfixed with Lucinda.

"I've been thinking," she said as she ran her fingers through her daughter's head of thick black hair. "That we shouldn't worry about the website because there is nothing we can do about it. And that we don't really know if Taye's parents actually have a vendetta against the boys or not and he does want to see them so we should let them call at least. They clearly want to see him too and they haven't been harassing us or anything. I think they're worried about him. Um, and, also, fuck I forgot."

"That's okay."

"No, umm..." she trailed off, pouting, a lost look on her face. "Fuzz day," she said. "Everything is there but it has to make it through the fuzz."
"It's okay baby," he said, petting her head and planting a kiss on her cheek.
"I wanted to say, um, milk... shit."

"Do you want a glass of milk?"

"No!" she said firmly. "Just let me talk. Sit there and look cute." He smirked as she continued trying to sort out what she wanted. "I wanted to say, milk. Milk... boobs. Boob milk shit I want to breastfeed the kids once I come off those idiotic pills!" She paused for a moment to regain her composure. "When I get off the pills I don't want to be on and off new ones until we can get these back. That's not going to be fun for anyone. I want to figure out how to cope with this mental handicap and I want to breastfeed the triplets because it is what's best for them and I feel so fucking disconnected from them and there's nothing I can do to fix it and I know that helped but god I barely remember giving birth to them if Cindy didn't look so much like you she could have been some random baby you stile from the hospital." She took a few deep breaths, glaring at nothing. "Oh and I'm sorry about last night I don't hate you I just want to bash my head against a wall and hope it fixes everything," she said in the same brash tone.

Aaron waited for her to blow off some steam. "Dee," he said softly. "If that's what you want to do that's what we can do. Now we know more about what's available and what you can take, and if this is what you think your best option is that's what we'll do. You are in control here, it's your brain and your treatment." He paused for a beat. "What do you remember about the birth?"

"Soren and Zephie, holding them, I remember being in so much pain afterwards that wasn't normal. I don't remember what the doctor said I was too focused on other stuff, but I'd assume he said Cindy was coming and after that nothing but flashes. I don't think there's anything concrete until around the time we brought them home. Like I remember feeding her, but I don't remember if that was before or after I got released or before or after they hooked her up to that scary looking machine." Idina trailed off, dropping her gaze, and looking down at the sleeping baby. She affectionately kissed the girl's head and brushed a finger across her tiny cheek. "I'm not that mad though I mean I'm sure it was awful anyway. But like she could die and if you never told me I never would have known. Or I could have died and never known about her existence. I don't know which is more distressing. I still can't believe we missed a third baby. I can't believe a lot of things that are happening right now, but they are and I just want normal back."

"This is our new normal."

"It's a sucky normal."

He kissed her forehead. "This isn't the time or the place, but I'll help you clear up whatever you want tonight, okay?"
She nodded. "How was the walk?"

They talked for what felt like hours. Walker eventually came in and soon the whole family was sitting around the coffee table talking to Idina as she was still transfixed with the three babies on her. Look at how big they were. Could you believe all three of them had been stuck inside her? Thank the lord none of them had been ten pounders. Walker talked his head off, seeking to encourage by his mother's good mood. Aaron was loose, smiled as his wife fawned over all their children.

~

The appointments were next on Idina's to-do list. If she had one kid, she would have brought the baby with her, but she had three. As much as she wanted to bring the little ones with her she couldn't because it was too much of a hassle and not fair to everyone else if one of them had a fit all three of them would have a fit. But she wanted to bring them everywhere as she had Walker when he had been this small. They needed time outside and time with their parents. It was Idina's job to give that to them.

Almost three months in and she was setting them up for failure. She really wanted to bash her head against a wall and if she did not think it would make things worse, she would.

Jane was saying something about how she could drive both Idina and Erika and then they could bring the triplets. People brought babies places all the time. It was a part of life. They were Uber calm right now and by the time they made it to the doctor's it would be time for their next nap and Soren was already looking sleepy as Idina bounced him on her knee. She couldn't wait until they were on a better sleeping and eating schedule. Then they would be more fun. And she wouldn't be so tired.

"Are you nervous?" she asked Erika for the millionth time.

"Should I be?" Erika replied. "Because you're making me think I should be."

"No," Idina replied. She was just nervous on her daughter's behalf for no valid or logical reason.

Erika sat down beside Idina and rested her head on her shoulder. Smiling, Idina put an arm around her. Erika was choosing to sit next to her. Choosing. She wasn't just making a choice, she was making Idina her choice. Looking at Erika, Idina couldn't help but sigh contently. Erika was so relaxed, in her face in her shoulders, and she had her eyes closed. She wasn't stiff. She wasn't distant. This was her way of saying all the things she wasn't ready to vocalize. And Idina was there, waiting, and telling her everything was all right and valid.

~

Erika needed glasses, but not bad enough she wasn't allowed to drive. After Idina's appointment, she was sitting with Jane and triplets while Erika got her full license. The girl was grinning.

Erika had never imagined herself affording college let alone drivers ed. And now she had a licence, something normal, reasonable people had. She still wasn't sure why she needed glasses, but the optometrist had said she would notice the difference once she had them.

Idina had made her pick out at least three lenses. She claimed that she needed options. Erika was still pretty sure the simple black frames would be fine but shed also chosen a thin gold frame and Idina picked out red-framed glasses. In a week they'd be fitted to her prescription. And Idina was muttering over how much of a waste it was or telling her to get over it. Where had Idina been seventeen years ago? Seventeen years ago wouldn't have landed her here today, they would be different people. But it never stopped her from wishing her Idina had come along sooner.

She was smiling as she carried Zephyr to the car and double-checked that all three were stopped in safely before crawling into the back of the van where Lucinda was. The baby was wide awake even though she was supposed to be sleeping like her brothers. She was also the only one with a full head of hair. She seemed quite determined not to be like her brothers.

Erika wished Idina would get better. Everyone did. But when she looked at the babies and she knew they were better off than she had been. She just had no Idina how to tell Idina that. There were a lot of words she wanted to say but could barely imagine herself thinking them, let alone speaking them aloud. It would be like jinxing herself. Or maybe she'd scare them off like she had those people when she was four and used "Mom" wanting to know what it would feel like. She'd never imagined she would be crying herself to sleep that night. There were a lot of words that were too dangerous to think in case they slipped out. In case they were just a fantasy in her imagination. So she resorted to being close to them, and their children and imagining the world was perfect.