https://youtu.be/L2URIAPegF4

All their phone calls were recorded and saved for a multitude of reasons. Aaron plugged in headphones and went to play the conversation.

It seems Idina had been the one to call.

"Taye, hello?"

"Idina!" he exclaimed in shock. "Idina, uh why are you—"

"Where's Glen?"

"Huh?"

"Glen, my producer. Where the hell is he? And when did you change your number to a new area code? What area code is this even?"

"Idina, are you okay? What's wrong?"

"No, I'm not okay! What's wrong is we're supposed to be recording but my producer isn't here, and I don't even know that this studio is the one I'm supposed to be at. I don't even remember getting here. And why are you calling me Idina? I know we fought last night but grow the fuck up I don't care if dancing with that girl as long as it's my ass you come home too asshole."

At this point, Taye seemed to clue in. He asked her about Aaron, of course, she had no idea. He somehow managed to keep her on the phone, telling her not to leave the studio and kept it up until her episode seemed to subside and she hung upon him.

It was silly banter that went on in circles. Idina was annoyed at Taye for something, and Taye seemed to know exactly what fight she was referring to. Idina was almost always in a fight with Taye when she had a memory lapse. Was it a coincidence or had they really fought that much behind closed doors?

Aaron went through the texts. There weren't as many as he'd first thought. There was stuff from this morning where Taye seemed concerned about Idina's seizures. She shut that down quickly. Everything else was from after her episode.

Idina, are you alright?

Aaron told me about your episodes at the courthouse

Are you all alright?

Do I need to call the la police?

What's going on

Poor guy. Aaron texted back, saying Idina was still agitated but fine. She was sleeping. He got a smiley face in return. Then he texted Taye his number and said that if Idina ever called him mid-episode to please text him so at the very least he could help him figure out what to say. Then Taye asked if she was getting treatments.

If D wants u to know she'll tell u, he replied.

I just want to know if she's ok

Short answer: no,
long answer: not yet

Please

If D wants u to know
she'll tell u I'm not disclosing
her medical history to
u without her permission.

I used to be her husband.
I'm still worried about her.

So's every eleven-year-old
girl with an Instagram account.
U don't c me sending them D's
info

I used to be her husband

Used to

I still care Aaron. I want to
know she's doing well.

I don't know what to tell you
Taye. I honestly don't. I don't
now what D wants and even
if she was okay with me telling
u I don't really know how to put
it all down in text

Is she at least getting some
medical attention?

Yes

Is it working?

Doesn't matter they
have to take her off

Why

She can't be on it anymore

Was it working?

Yea

Then why? Bad side effects?

Aaron sighed. He had already been worn down.

The trial drug, no longer allowed
for one of D's groups

Trial? Nothing better

There's nothing on the market
other than a drug trial. That's
how fucked up her brain is.
No, she's not doing well.
Yes, it is taking a toll on her and
Walk. Yes, the drugs have dangerous side effects.
Yes, I think the seizures are bc
of the drugs. No, coming off them
won't make the epilepsy go away.
Yes, the epilepsy drug could make
her episodes worse. We're figuring
this out as we go and there's no
alternative. Trust me, we've
read about it, applied for it,
got rejected, and tried again.
Is that what you wanted to know?
D's struggling with it and Walk
hates watching her struggle just as
much as I do. There are things she
just can't do anymore. She hates
it and that makes everything worse.
Walker has no clue how to process this
and has an outburst which makes D have
a nervous breakdown and the cycle
continues and its quicksand. Have I
left anything out? Oh there doesn't
seem to be anything wrong with triplets
so far but the pediatrician loves reminding
us that there could be, and we need to keep
checking on them and monitoring them.
Which is bad for D's stress. I'll let
you know when I remember something
else. I really hope that covers all u
wanted to know.

There was no reply for a few minutes. Aaron felt the guilt crawling in his gut. Idina was going to be mad. She just acted like things never happened. She avoided Taye, but other than that she really had not yet processed what he did. She hated reminding him that her problems were his fault. She hated thinking anything about that. Her injury was just a sad fact of life she was doing her best to navigate and handle.

I'm sorry, Taye replied.

Me too. Just b glad ur not seeing
it every day. D is bloody amazing and she
will get through this but
is going to take a very long time.

What's it like every day?

I wake up and I check to
make sure she's breathing
and not comatose. Every
time. I make sure she's taking
her meds and not mixing them
up by accident and I count
every pill. Then I check all
the scientific journals just to
see if there's some new
breakthrough that will magically
make this all go away. Whenever
I come home from going out I
never know what I'm going to
find. Sometimes she's fine and
other times her and Walk had an
argument or she did something to
trigger one of her triggers and
she's on the floor in some corner
having a panic attack or a flashback.
Walk wakes me up crying bc he and
D argued and now she's
having an anxiety attack. D wakes
me up kicking bc she's having a
flashback. Then I lie through my
teeth and tell her everything's fine
and then somehow, I am available to
care for the newborns in between
and drive Walker to all his practices.

How's Walk

Not good

Can I talk to him?

He doesn't want to talk to you

He's my son

He still doesn't want to talk to you

Can't you just tell him too

No

He's my son, not yours
and I want to talk to him

No

How do I even know your
telling the truth?

You don't bc ur not here.
You weren't there on Christmas
morning when the nurses told
him D might not wake up. You
weren't there when he cried
because he thought his mommy
would die. You weren't there
the first time D forgot who he
was. You haven't been there
every night he cried himself to
sleep bc he wanted his mom
home, or bc he was worried
she wouldn't make the night,
or just bc he's 10 and can't
process what the hell happened.

I thought it is going well

It is. It's a lot better.

That doesn't sound better.

That bc you weren't there when
it was worse. You weren't there.
Period. You weren't there and
you aren't here. You've only
seen the pictures the paps got
and the ones D released. Those
are tame. They're shocking af
to someone who didn't see her
when her face was blue, purple,
black and the size of a basketball.
And her face wasn't the worst.
No one's seen the knife marks or
the burn marks or the scars that
are scattered across her body.
No one knows that she couldn't
walk by herself when she finally
got home or that she could not sit
up by herself. She had so many
pills she had to swallow them dry
or she'd puke from forcing too
much water into her stomach.
And she couldn't take more than
one at a time because her back hurt
so much she couldn't sit straight
enough for it not to be a choking
hazard. You can't do the Heimlich
maneuver on a pregnant woman
and expect it to work well. And
they couldn't give her the right
painkillers bc she was pregnant,
so she was always in pain. Then
at 3 in the morning, they would
wear off and she couldn't take
more till 7 and she spent those
4 hours in so much pain she
couldn't breathe. You weren't
there when she cried every
night wishing it would all be
over and you weren't there
when Walker overheard it.
You there when she threw
up and almost chocked on
it and when she couldn't
move her elbows higher
than 45-degree angle or
hug Walk when he
wanted one. You were there
the first time she had night
terrors and Walk thought
the world was ending.

I had no idea

No, you effing didn't.
I'm sorry your son
doesn't want to talk to
you but you made ur bed
and now u have to lay in it.

Is there anything I can do?

Find a cure

Seriously

I'm doing everything. The only
thing I can't do is find a philosopher's
stone and fix it. If I could
have, we wouldn't be
having this conversation.

The oven timer went off and Helen bolted to shut it off before it unsettled the triplets. She pulled the chicken out of the oven, filling the room with a delicious smell.

Are you sure?

Taye, I'm literally doing everything
I can. I promise you there isn't a
drug I haven't researched, a doctor I haven't
called, a neurosurgeon I haven't consulted.
If we wake up tomorrow and they've figured out
how to do brain transplants you'd better
believe I'd be first in line to see if I'm a match.

You don't need to be so dramatic

I'm not.

The self-sacrifice is a bit much.

D's suffering. We all are.
And don't for a second
act like you wouldn't
be mad at me the
second Walk found
I could've done
something to help
but didn't.

Id never find out since
he won't talk to me.

What do you want me to do?
He doesn't want too and both
D and I agree we aren't
going to force him.

This must be great for you;
u got my wife and my kid.

D doesn't belong to you

U either. And come on
there's no way you're not
looking for an out around
now. She's bloody
impossible when she wants
to be. I couldn't get her to
shit when she broke her rib
or was carrying Walk.

Did you ever try to do shit for her?

I dealt with all her crap.
The was more than enough shit.

Aaron had to take a second to calm down.

Fine, you don't appreciate her.
I do and I'm going to respect
her and do whatever I can to
help her. It is not my problem
if you can't.

You just told me about her medical
history. I thought she didn't
want me knowing.

Seriously what's your problem man.

I want my family back

I can't help you there.
And that's not my problem.

You married into her crazy.

I married D. This crazy is all you.

It is all her. You'll see it soon
enough. I think you've only
lasted this long cause she
needs you. Once she gets
her shit together or isn't
going to be yours anymore.
Trust me. She'll start telling
you she's too tired for sex
and just wants to cuddle
with a glass of wine. Four
more later she'll be drunk
as a skunk trying to shag
you. It'll be great but
eventually, it'll stop too
and she'll feel awful and
say it's all your fault. Then
you'll see what I mean. Her
bloody mood swings. Can't
predict them.

I know. Her brain injury makes
them worse. You're not getting
any pity points from me.

And you're not running for the hills?

If I did who would be taking
care your son and his mother?

I could.

No, you can't That's just the
truth. Neither D nor Walk
want to be around u
Thinking of u makes D

worse. She's not going tojust get over it. It going totake years before you twowill be able to talk on thephone when she's lucid.And you're going to haveto respect her boundariesor she'll be in hystericsfor the rest of her life. Ifshe says no hand on herthigh, you take it off. Andnot just because she'sinjured. Because if she'snot comfortable with it it'snot okay.

You're a real pushover. Probably
why she wedded u.

Taye I'm not having this
argument with u. We're
not letting u talk to Walk
until Walk asks to talk 2 u.
If that happens there's
going to a whole lot of
rules and conditions
and the second Walk's
uncomfortable it will
be over. And that's only
going to happen if he's
able to process everything
and work through it. He's
10. His whole world has
been destroyed. He's angry
and lashing out and trying
to figure out how to deal
with it. We're doing our
best to help him but forcing
him to talk to you isn't going
to help him. All he wants right
now is for his mommy to come
to basketball games without
camera flashes triggering a
seizure. He wants her to wake
up in the morning and
remember who he is and how
old he is and makes him his
favourite food. He doesn't want
to be worried that his mommy's
so sick she can't take care of
herself. He wants to know
that there are people around
who can care for her when
she's unable to care for herself.
And he wants to squeeze her
so tightly that all the bad just
goes away. None of that is
going to happen anytime soon.
That's a lot for anyone. It's a
lot for me. It's even more for
a ten-year-old. The only reason
he doesn't have a meltdown
every time we have him leave
the house without D is because
he knows it'll make it worse.
I know you want your kid back,
but right now your kid is too
focused on trying to get his mom
back. He doesn't have time to
think about getting his dad
back. If D gets better Walk
will too.

I think I get it

Good, I'm honestly glad
if you do. Now I have to go.
Pls don't bug D unless it's
urgent. I get that you want
to know what's happening
and how it's affecting Walk,
but it's just making everything
worse. I swear I'm doing
everything I can for both
of them. I pray every day it's
enough and sometimes I don't
think it is but I'm still doing my
absolute best. Because that's
what they both need and deserve.

He turned off the phone and looked around. The table was set.

"What was so interesting?" Helen asked.

"Taye wants to talk to Walk," Aaron admitted.

"I hope you told him that's not happening."

"In a lot more words than needed," he admitted.

He'd needed a bit of a place to vent, but Taye wasn't it. If Taye relapsed... Aaron needed to make sure if Taye contacted them again, they didn't do something that might make him relapse. If he relapsed it would be worse. Walker needed to see that his dad had changed and overcome his problem if he ever wanted to talk to him again. Aaron believed Taye knew that. But even precious little Walker might not be motivation enough to stay sober if there was no reward in sight.

"I'm going to check on 'Dina," he said.

Helen wished him good luck as he went up the stairs. Walker was still cuddling her, and she hadn't moved to hold him. She was very much asleep.

"Foods ready," he told the boy.

"No," he mumbled. "I want to stay here with mom."

Aaron sighed, not having the energy to fight this further. He planted a kiss on both their foreheads and promised Walker there'd be something for both of them when Idina woke up.

When they were finished Walker came down and said Idina was awake.

"Is she coming for supper?" Helen asked.

The boy shrugged as he shoved a large piece of chicken in his mouth. "I think she wants Aaron," he said he chewed. "I know she's awake 'cause she hugged me, but she didn't do anything else."

Aaron patted his head as he went upstairs to check on his wife again.

Cautiously, he knocked on the door. "'Dina?" he asked, sliding it open. She was laying on the bed, back to the door, hugging a pillow. He sat on the edge of the bed and lightly ran a finger down her arm. "Are you okay?"

She took his hand and rubbed it, not saying anything, not looking at him but staring straight ahead, not do anything but rub his hand, interlocking and unlocking their fingers, rubbing her thumb into his palm. Her other arm was still wrapped around the pillow and she pulled it closer.

"Do you want to talk?" he asked, stroking the back of her hand.

Idina shook her head. Then her shoulders started shaking.

"Dee?" he asked, bending over to find that she was crying into her pillow. "Oh, Chickadee," he said, massaging her back.

Idina let go of his hand and squeezed the pillow. He laid down on the bed beside her. Slowly, Idina turned to face him, still gripping the pillow. She reached out and ran her fingers up and down his arm, not looking him the eyes. Then she slipped her arm under his and hugged him, pressing her forehead against his chest. He hugged her back silently, massaging her back, running his fingers through her hair, holding her. Whatever she needed. She still had one arm clamped around the pillow like it was her life raft.

He moved some of her hair out of her face and ran his fingers along her cheekbones. When they got close to her lips, she tilted her head to kiss them, then buried her face back in the pillow.

"What's wrong baby?' he asked. "I mean, I know what's wrong. What's going on in your head love?"

She looked up at him but said nothing, only pulled herself closer.

"Are you still mad at me?" he asked. "It's okay if you are," he assured her, "if you—" he never got a chance to finish. She pressed to silencing fingers to hips lip then crawled closer, pressing herself up against him and holding on tightly.

Aaron did not want to be useless. After some time just holding his wife, he started humming a slow tune, brushing his lips against her forehead, hoping he was doing something comforting. It took him a moment to realize he was humming Chasing Cars.

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

He sang it for her in a whisper.

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

She was staring at him intently when he finished. He ran the back of his fingers across her porcelain skin again.

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

Idina sang quietly, choosing a verse from the middle of the song. She quietly took his hand and kissed his middle and index fingers, then pressed the kiss against his own lips. They stared at each other for a while.

"I-" Idina stared, then promptly shut her mouth. "I don't quite know how to say how I feel," she quoted from the song, looking away.

"Want me to help you figure it out?"

She shook her head no.

"What do you want?"

"Stay with me?" she breathed so softly he barely heard it. She shut her eyes, holding back tears. "Just stay with me, please," she begged.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"That's what Taye used to say," she whispered. "And now he's gone. I don't want to lose you too."

"You're not going to lose me."

She started crying. "He said that too," she sobbed.

Aaron felt himself withdrawing. What was he supposed to do now? There was no way he could make her see how serious he was. Taye had probably been just as serious at the time. He convinced himself to say nothing and just let his wife talk.

"It's just," she muttered through the tears. "How am I supposed to know? Was Taye lying to me all those years or did something change? How could he do this to me?" she sobbed, her voice cracking.

Aaron completely froze. She'd never said it before. Never admitted it. Never said he'd done this to her.

"How?" she demanded. "How come he never hit me before? We drank all the time and nothing and then one day, after I'd known him for half my life, he does this. How? I thought he loved me; I thought we still cared about each other. I thought we still cared about Walker." She grew quiet again, wiping her eyes. "How am I supposed to trust anyone now? If Taye could do this to me, what could someone else do? What could you do? What about Cara, or Mom? After twenty-five years he did this. Twenty-five. We met in '95. If the one person who knew me that long, saw all those lows, and who could still promise his life to me do this, where does that leave everyone else? I don't trust you; I can't. I fucking can't and it's tearing me apart." She pulled her hands away from him and buried her face in them.

Aaron reached out, then stopped, his arm hanging in mid-air while he tried to figure out what to do. "Dee," he said. "Dee, baby, I swear I'm never going to hurt you. What do you need?"

"You can't be sure," she sobbed. "That's the point. Taye didn't plan this. No one planned this. It just happened. The one person I trusted more than anyone in the world broke my heart and my trust, then he told me this could work and built be back up with Walker. Then he broke me. Physically broke me. He broke the veins in my body and broke my brain and broke my skin.

"You're doing everything for me, and I know that you are, but it's never going to be enough Aaron. There's nothing you can do. You could carve out your own heart to save me and it wouldn't be enough. Not now, it can never be. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to watch you suffer. I don't want to watch Walk suffer anymore either. I don't want to watch Erika suffer, or watch the triplets grow up and realize something's wrong with mommy." She hid her face in the pillow again, her silhouette shaking. "I don't want to do this anymore," she said again. "I'm sorry Aaron but I can't. I want you to send me to some home, I don't want to be here. I want medical professionals who are paid to take care of me and paid to pretend to care. I want people who have studied their whole adult lives in this field and know what they're doing and have access to the care you can't give me here. I want them to dope me up so much I don't feel it anymore until they figure out how to fix whatever's wrong. And if they can't I want the best room in the best care home there is with activities and field trips and a hot crazy balding guy who's a bit off his meds but fun to talk to."

"Dee," he said. He stroked her arm, but she flinched away, driving a knife into his heart. "I cannot do this alone. I need you here. Let's talk about this."

"We are!" she exclaimed. "We're talking about this right now. And Aaron, you have been doing this alone. I've been here, in the bed, so bruised I couldn't move, or so sad I didn't want to get up or just too generally moody to be any real help. You've been carrying the entire relationship, sometimes literally, since we came back from New York and I'm so sorry about that but it's true. I'll be better off in a home. It doesn't need to be right away, but the best ones have long waiting lists. Almost a decade for the best. At some point, I'm going to need care you can't provide with the triplets around and I'll need to go somewhere. I'd rather have the best there is to offer ready to accept me the moment the next patient dies than have to settle for whatever we can get me into. I just want to be happy and comfortable again, and if that's drugged up in a closet, I'll take it over this."

"Chickadee..."

"Don't call me that, please, it hurts too much. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I don't."

"The triplets can't grow up not knowing their mother."

"They'll know me," she said. "We'll visit. It's not going to be right away. They'll know me, I'll just be out of harm's way, where I can't hurt them."

"And what about Walk, what about Erika?"

"Walker... He'll understand it's for the best. He won't like it, I don't like it, but it's for the best. Erika, well... she likes you more. She's still closed off to us in many ways. I know it's going to hurt her, but not as much as it will if she trusts me more and I go away. It's better to rip the band-aid off now."

"what about me?" he asked finally. "I can't lose you."

"You're not losing me," she said. "That would imply you had me to begin with. You're putting me in the care of the people who can help me the most. You're arranging something for when I get old. I'm going to get everything worse because Taye beat the shit out of me and I'll never fully heal before dementia and fragility seep in. I'll go downhill faster than you can imagine, and I want to know I'll be taken care of and there's a plan so you're not scrambling last minute. This isn't going to happen tomorrow," she reassured him. "But it will be there to help once I need it. I-I," she stuttered, then stopped, clamping her mouth shut before she said more.

"You what?" he asked tenderly. "Please, Dee you what?"

"I, um, fuck. I don't want to break up but shit Aaron I don't really want to be with you either right now," she croaked. "I love, loved you so much and I did my best to trust you but I can't and as much as I want you to hold me I don't because I can't take it anymore. I can't take it. I know you can, or at least you pretend to but I can't and it's crushing me and eating me out and sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in my own body and tied to a chair, watching you and everyone else get boiled alive trying to save me from the lava at my feet but I just know if I fall in you guys will get out in time. I want you guys to get out in time."

"What about your projects, or your new album, or anything. Dee, what about us?"

"There can't be an us if I don't trust you because when I don't trust you it's never about us, it's just about me. That's not us." She paused before she added: "But if at the home they find a treatment that works, one that really, really works, there could be again." Her eyes lit up in a way Aaron hadn't seen since they'd brought Erika home. "And then I could come back, and it would be hard, but not as hard as this and—"

He cut her off. "Dee, if you leave, there might not be something to come back to."

"But if I get better," she rationalized. "that's what I'm saying. I'll get better."

"You can get better here."

"No, I can't."

He sighed; she was right about that, but she was wrong about coming back. "Dee, that could take years. Say we get you in somewhere right after we adopt Erika. It takes three years. Walker's in high school, moody because he'll be a teenager. He's not going to run to the door and cuddle you the moment you come back. You'll be lucky if he doesn't scream in your face. The triplets won't know who you are. They'll be terrified of you. Erika will be in college and I might not even know where she is because while she's grateful for the help she doesn't want this following her around with everything else life put her through. And I wouldn't blame her. I want you to get better, Idina, that's all I want, but this isn't the way. We can look into something for when you're older in case we need it, but I'm not sending you away unless it's necessary. And I'm determined it won't be." He wanted to hold her, but she made it clear she did not want him to touch her.

Idina started crying again, hugging the pillow for comfort.

"Dee, baby, do you want a hug?" he asked.

She nodded while she said no. He sighed and reached out, rubbing her arm. She didn't shy away so he moved a bit closer. Slowly he pulled her into his embrace. He sat upright, pulling up too so that he could hug her properly. He closed his eyes, pressed his cheek against the top of her head, and held her until she stopped shaking.

"And for the record," he said after a long while, just to say something. "Earlier, what I meant to say was I don't want to get drunk with the express reason of getting you to do something you wouldn't normally do. I wouldn't want to deliberately drink less than you so that I could benefit or coerce you into trying something you don't like. It's a bit different if we start just having fun, drank a bit too much, and did something silly we can regret with laughs and some humble shame and..." he lost his train of thought. "And..."

"It's fine," she whispered. "I know what you mean. Like our honeymoon was okay. I tried to give you head then but it was embarrassingly bad, and I don't regret it I just can't believe I did that." She chuckled a bit. "And Taye and I weren't deliberately trying to do that either, I know I made it out that way. And I was certainly the one trying to get him to drink more if anything. Maybe it's my fault he got drunk..."

"No, it's not."

"Okay."

He frowned. Why was she just letting it go? He nuzzled her temple and rubbed her arm. "I love you, Dee. You don't have to believe it for it to be true. If I could just hold you for the rest of our lives, I'd be happy. We could stay here forever."

Idina wrapped her arms around his neck and started humming after a while. "If I could save time in a bottle," she mumbled against his skin. He smiled.

"You're going to be okay," he said. "Just stay here with me, please. I don't ask you for much, Dee. I'm not asking you to trust me, hell I'm not going to ask you to love me. I'm just going to ask you to stay and be a mother to your kids and do the best you can. And then I'll do whatever you can't."

"I'm scared," she said. "I'm terrified, Aaron. I'm terrified about how I'm supposed to move on, I'm terrified about coming off the meds. I wasn't having the best reaction to them and we both know the withdrawal is supposed to be worse. And I want to trust you, I just can't. You wanted me to come to terms with everything and I have, but it means I can't trust anyone anymore. It means Taye exists in this double reality, not either-or and we can't go back to either or where everything was alright." She rambled on for a while, talking in metaphors. Aaron ran his hands through her hair again. He let her talk herself up. She didn't even realize she was doing it. He could feel her playing with the neckline on his shirt and noticed the way her body slowly turned towards him as she got more comfortable. He wasn't sure he would ever let her out of his sight again.

"Dee," he said after a while. "If you want someone to blame, blame me."

"But it's not your fault."

"I want you to get better. If you need someone to blame, give it all to me. I could have driven you; I should have known something was up and checked earlier than I did. I should have told Walk to suck it up and stay in the car. I could have pulled him off you or used myself as a meat shield. You were pregnant for fuck's sake and I stood there like as if there was nothing I could have done but call the police."

"Alternate reality, he beat you to a pulp, turned back to me. No one held Walker back when he started kicking me again with more vigour because you just made him mad and Walk jumped in and got hurt. I wake up in the hospital with a miscarriage, broken bones, and find out both my boys were comatose or dead."

"Or the police come and I'm a bloody mess but you're alright and the babies are alright and Walk's all right, at least you guys are physically but it is okay because we all know it could be worse and I get a bunch of snuggles from the both of you every day so it's not that bad in the end."

"It is really bad though. And he was trying to purify me or something, what if he actually tried to kill you? Now I'm a single mom with five kids."

"This is going nowhere."

"You started it."

"What ifs aren't going to change anything."

"You're right. But we can at least figure our future out with what-ifs."

"Do we have a future?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"You still want to be with me even if I can't love you?"

He didn't believe that was true. "Dee, I've told you before: I want to grow old with you. And to be there for all the highs and lows. I want to help you make up for all that lost time spent not getting head from Taye. And I want to watch our children grow up together and I want to cry when the graduate and the two of us to be annoying and clingy. I want to finish what's left of my life walking beside you because I'm better because of you. You make me want to be a better person Dee. I don't want to give you up."

"I don't think you can be a better person."

"I could be," he reiterated. "There were fights we had that were stupid. There are times when I should have been able to help but I couldn't. I know I wasn't the world's best boyfriend."

"So far you're the world's best husband." She sighed and squeezed him. "You'll stay with me?" she asked.

He nodded. He was about ready to never leave her alone again.

"Did you see all the texts from Taye?' she asked after another long while. "I think I called him, but I'm honestly not sure if I did or if I was remembering calling him."

"Yeah, I did, and yes, you did."

"Oh." She grew quiet for a moment. "I want to tell him so badly how much he messed up my life and how much I want to fillet him. But I can't do that either. I'm so worried he might hurt himself or decide he needs to be in Walk's life again if he thinks I'm incapable and I just want him to go away and never come back. Not unless Walker asks him too."

"I-uh, I kind if ended up telling him. I told him you were sleeping but okay because he sounded very worried, which I don't blame him, he doesn't see this every day I'm sure it's shocking for him. I think I just got mad. I wanted him to know too. He has no idea and he's acting the way he is because he doesn't. I asked him to leave you alone too unless it's an emergency. I'm—"

"Don't say you're sorry, I always wanted to do that I just couldn't bring myself too." She cuddled up closer. "You can just delete the messages; I know you're going to ask that next. I don't want to read them. I just want my life back. Or a life back."

"You're got a good life, Chickadee," he said. "And you can start working again soon if you want. That would help, wouldn't it, baby?"

"Maybe," she mused. "I have so many things floating around in my head at least trying to get them out will help."

"What about your journal?"

"That only works with the words. There's stuff in my brain that I put into my songs I can't put down on paper."

"I think it's magic," Aaron said.

"Whatever it is, it wants out."

"You can let it out," he said. He smirked. "Let it go," he teased.

"Shut the hell up right now," she said.

"Let it goooo," he mocked. "Let it goooooo," he mocked again, tickling her.

"Stop!"

"Only if you moo with me."

"Moo, now shut your face."

"Okay," he chuckled.

"You know, I've been thinking of that saying, the 'would you do it all over again' scenario and I feel like I should be saying yes, I should because of Elphaba and Frozen and my kids, but whenever I ask myself that I picture sixteen year old me after my first break-up and I imagine telling her all of this is going to happen and it's all going to be okay just because she has a good husband and loves her children but I can't. I can't tell her that someone's going to beat her up and it's going to be okay because she doesn't have a miscarriage. Because it's not okay. And I feel so bad, but I wouldn't do this all over again. I tell her to run for the hills because she doesn't deserve this. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't even if we never meet. I don't deserve this," she said whispering the last sentence.

"No, no baby you don't. You don't deserve any of this."

"You don't either. You don't deserve all this crazy."

"I don't," he admitted. "But I'm committed now. You can't shake me off that easily."

"Will you seriously consider looking at assisted living though? I'm terrified about being trapped in my own body, unable to do anything and make my own choices and if that happens, I want to make the choices now before I can't. I'm terrified of everything now."

"Yes, we can look into those and we'll get you on a decade and half long waiting list for the best one out there. Then the triplets will be teenagers and we might be grandparents and we'll both get our own versions of 'I told you so'."

Idina yawned. "I'm hungry."

"There's food downstairs."

"If you leave this bed, I'll stab you with a pen."

"Woah, okay, Dee, I'm not leaving the bed. I was just saying there's food downstairs."

"I don't feel like eating,"

"Then why did you say you're hungry?"

"Because I am."

"Hi Hungry, I'm your husband."

"That's just bad, it's not even funny."

"But you're smiling," he argued.

She frowned instantly to prove her point. "I want some time alone the two of us," she said. "And I want some time by myself. And I want time with Walk and Erika but right now I swear I'll go to jail for homicide if you leave this bed."

"I love you too?"

She adjusted herself in his lap and he almost sighed in relief when the blood rushed back to his leg. He centred her and they both got comfortable. She took his hand and started massaging it again.

"I like the way your skin feels," she said as she ran her palm over the back of his hand, then ran his hand across her face. She kissed his wrist. "I think the babies have your skin." She placed it under her shirt and shivered when his cold hand met her warm stomach. "You know there's nothing there," she mumbled, leaning her back on him as his thumb started rubbing her abdomen.

"You are," he replied.

"I want you to touch me," she said. "Everywhere. Even the trigger zones. I want you to take his away and replace them with yours. I just want to stop being this way."

"Dee..."

"I know, it doesn't work that way and you don't want to make me have a flashback and I still don't really know how I feel about anything but right now I really love the way your skin feels." She took his other hand. "I don't know, just, like this." She put his hand where Zephyr had been leaning earlier this morning. "And just hold me and be safe and stay with me."

"I'm staying with you," he said.

She giggled.

"What?"

"You're turned on, I can feel it," she chuckled.

"What?"

"You think I'm hot right now, don't you? Does crying get you off?"

"No."

"I turned you on earlier talking about giving me head, didn't it?"

"A bit."

"Can you give me head?"

"I thought you weren't in the mood."

"I was mad, I'm always in the mood for head. Especially yours."

"You weren't when you were pregnant."

"You were doing it wrong."

His hand had been creeping up her inner thigh. All he ever one to do was hold her and make her feel special. Now she was asking him too in the most enjoyable way imaginable. And he didn't feel up to it. She sensed that.

"You don't want to," she said.

"No, I, Dina, it's fine I want to."

"Not really," she said, "You're doing all the right motions but they're chaste. The same rules apply to both of us. If I were acting this way you'd stop."

"But you're not doing a thing. I'm doing everything right now," he said as he drew on her inner thigh.

"I'm asking you too and now I'm telling you not too. Or only do what you want. Don't be pressured into something because of me. That's the last thing I want right now."

There was a knock on the door. "Do you guys want something to eat?" Erika asked.

Idina's stomach growled when she smelt the chicken.

"Yes," Aaron said for her. "You can come, it's safe."

She came in with a breakfast in bed tray and placed it over Idina's lap.

"Are you okay?" she asked, looking from Idina to Aaron.

"I'm feeling better," Idina said. It was true. She reached out and pulled Erika close. "Don't spoil the game for me," she said, hugging her daughter. "And we have your optometrist appointment tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah."

"Nervous."

"No."

"Do you think you need glasses?"

"I have no clue."

"You probably don't then. Do things look fuzzy?"

"No."

Walker came into the room and crawled onto the other side. He took a tissue from the side of the bed and dried Idina's cheeks. Then he looked up at Aaron and hugged him.

"I love you," he told Aaron. Then he hugged his mom.

"I love you too Walk," Aaron said.

"That's sweet Walk, but I need my arms to eat," she said. When he freed her, she put an arm around Erika. She tried to saw at her chicken with the blunt edge of her fork, but it wasn't working.

"Hand me the knife Dee," Aaron said. He cut her meat for her while she held it down for him. He put his other arm around Walker.

~

Aaron didn't leave Idina's side all night. He followed her around everywhere. She was going through all the actions, but Aaron could tell she was distant. He deleted the messages from Idina's phone and cuddled on the couch, watching a movie while the babies slept upstairs. They should have been sleeping too, but neither of them wanted to.

"Can we watch Walk's game now?" Idina asked as the film finished.

"He doesn't want you to see it yet."

"What's he doing with it?"

"I have no clue."

Idina laid down on the couch, laying her head in his lap. She opened her phone and read over her emails while Aaron undid her bun and played with her hair as she told him fandom tidbits.

"Aaron?" she asked, sounding a bit alarmed.

"Yeah?"

She handed him her phone. "Another website like the ones Stella and Mika put up came out, just, it's— I mean it's not just me, right, you see it too?"

He took her phone and read over the website. He felt the colour drain from his face. Something in the cadence, the sentence structure and tone reminded him of the blackmailer's messages. They called Idina all sorts of things. For marrying a man of colour, having a mixed-race child. For adopting. For have triplets. They called them unnatural abominations. It called her the devil incarnate and said her seizures were her overlord giving her commandments and called for all her parental right to be terminated. He read the entire site while Idina squeezed his hand, waiting for a reply.

"How much did you read?"

"The first paragraph. It's not just me, right?"

"No," he said. "I see it too."