n/a: found some motivation somewhere to get my homework done earlier and now I have more time to write 😊

The power was back on, but their security system was fried and needed to be reset. Some of the cameras were having a sick day while their alarm started sounding non-stop and they had to unplug it. It kept Idina on edge. She knew of many stories of people trying to break into houses and she had three two-month-olds. At least they had their first vaccinations and Idina was slightly calmer about taking them outside now that the heatwave was over.

She needed a mental break right now. Her test results were in. Epilepsy confirmed, cause not yet known. It could be the pink pills; it could be her injections. It could be both or her brain injury or some combination of all three. She was taken off the pink pills as a precaution. They wanted her off them if she needed epilepsy medication.

She had epilepsy.

And she was still coming to terms with it.

The pool was finally getting more use. They had the triplets in floaty swimsuits and took them into the water for the first time. Her mom was in the pool and their sitter, Jane, who was going to moving in with them in a few weeks. The triplets looked so cute. She held Soren in the water, and he hit the surface repeatedly, laughing as he did so. She smiled and turned him into an airplane.

"Oh no, splash landing!" she called out as she skimmed his toes in the water. He shrieked in reply. "Raww, Airplane Soren's now the SS Soren."

"Ssssaah," Soren gurgled, kicking the surface. He swatted at her face and knocked the sunglasses off her face.

She asked Walker to fetch them from the bottom. He did so, but not without tickling her legs. She chuckled, kicking at his feet as he clumsily put them back on her face. Aaron was laughing at them. He was holding Lucinda parallel with the water and she was slashing it and herself with her four limbs and a huge grin under her floppy sunhat. All three of them had floppy sunhats and full-body swimsuits. Idina wanted to wait another month or two until she started lathering them in sunscreen.

Idina stared at her daughter for a moment. If she figured out how to keep her head up, with the floaties she might make a good swimmer. Soren started demanding her attention again by swatting at her head and she blew a raspberry on his stomach. She lowered herself down and blew some bubbles in the water. He squealed and started pursuing his lips like she was.

Lucinda and Zephyr were squealing and giggling too as the other adults played with them. Jane was so good with them and the triplets like her, but as far as Idina could tell they didn't think she was their mother. She and Helen were entertaining Zephyr who wasn't as entranced with just the water as his siblings. It had lasted for a few minutes, but he seemed to think he had it all figured out now and was bored. He kept on looking up to the sky and reaching out for it, enough so that Idina wanted him in the shade if not inside. He was squinting in the sun, so it did not seem to be a sight issue.

Louie barked from the edge of the pool, tail wagging. Erika was sitting on the side of her Kindle, legs in the water. She wasn't the keenest on swimming, but she got her own enjoyment from the poolside. Walker swam over and pet Louie. The dog looked like he was about to jump in. They had a saltwater pool and did not want that happening. Erika took a hold of his collar in case he tried to. She got up and led him to his doggy pool that would need a good washing soon.

After about an hour everyone was tired, adults, children, and babies alike. Carrying both Soren and Zephyr, Idina left the closed in the pool area and was started when someone called out her name.

She looked up to find paparazzi on the other side of the fence pushing their cameras through the shrubberies. How had they gotten there? That fence bordered with her neighbours for the most part.

The cameras started flashing and she turned away as her boys started crying. The noise alerted everyone else who quickly came out of the pool area. Helen and Jane took to the boys from her and Aaron used his body to shield her from the cameras. He knew she would not like these photos of her in a swimsuit circulated right now. If there were none of them in circulation, they would not have to deal with the added legalities of getting this invasion of privacy taken down.

Suddenly, the world felt like it stopped. She was trapped in her body and she couldn't move. The world started tipping, turning sideways and her entire body seized. Walker started yelling and made a beeline for the fence, but Erika stopped him and gave him the corner of a picnic blanket. They held it up in front of Idina and Aaron came into her vision, saying something she couldn't hear.

Then, she finally closed her eyes, and it was over.

"Dee, baby?" Aaron said. She felt him stroke her cheek, but she kept her eyes shut. "Let's get you inside."

He helped her to her feet, but her legs didn't want to move. Her head was pounding as she'd just pulled two back to back all-nighters without a drop of coffee. And every muscle in her body hurt as if she'd ran a marathon without training. Then she was in the air. She pressed her cheek against Aaron's chest, trying to center herself as he carried her inside.

She was asleep by the time he set her down on the couch. And she was still wet. Aaron and Helen dried her best they could, then Helen went to help Jane put the triplets down.

"Is mommy okay?" Walker asked. Both he and Erika looked grim.

"Yeah," Aaron said, "Dee's just tired now. She needs to sleep for a bit then she'll be alright."

"Can you take her to her bed?" Walker asked. "Mom would be more comfortable in her bed but she's all wet..." he went on.

"Yeah, you're right," Aaron assured him. "And you two munchkins are wet too. Get changed, I'll take care of Idina. Oh, and that was smart with the blanket," he added as they went to the stairwell.

"Thanks," Erika said as she disappeared.

Aaron carried his wife upstairs and laid her down on their bed. She instantly looked more comfortable with the sheets and pillows that she had on the couch. But she was still quite wet so her comfort wouldn't last long, and she was a light sleeper now and he knew once she got up, she wouldn't want to go back to bed.

Luckily, while Idina only ever used the one clip on the back, the swimsuit also had clips on the straps and slipped off easily. Then he dressed her in sweater and sweatpants, so she wasn't cold, then untangled her hair and put some conditioner in so it wouldn't be an unruly mess when she woke up.

When he was finished, Walker came into the room. He gave Aaron and a big hug, then snuggled up close to him mom, burying his face in the back of her shoulder and putting an arm around her waist. Idina's thumb started stroking his hand, making them both smile. She was clearly asleep, her features limp and her mouth half-open. Aaron kissed both of them on the forehead and went to leave the room, but Walker told him to stay.

~

When Idina woke up, she heard the familiar sound of her son and husband talking in a hushed whisper. She could feel Walker's bony arm wrapped around her midsection, his small hand in hers. She did her best not to move, to keep her breathing steady. Why did the best things happen when she was asleep? Why couldn't her little boy snuggle her more when she was awake and able to enjoy it?

Idina tried to recreate the nothingness that sleeps brought while still listening to them. She knew it would all be over the second Walker sensed she was awake. Aaron might let it slide and not alert him unless he was seriously concerned about her, which he most definitely was. This man absolutely adored her, and she'd just had a seizure in front of him for the first time.

Walker was rubbing her arm. "Mom's okay, right?" he asked.

"Yeah, Walk," Aaron said. "I promise."

"That was really scary," he said. He hugged her tighter and she had to resist the urge to cuddle and comfort him. She felt him rubbing the fabric of her shirt. Hadn't she been in her swimsuit? Aaron must have changed her. "How did they get to the fence?" Walker asked. "Can they get in the yard?"

"I'm not sure," Aaron replied, "but we'll figure it out." She felt him tug at her hair a bit, probably running his hands through it. He ran his fingers across her scalp, and she felt a wave of calm wash over her.

They continued talking and Idina felt herself grow drowsy again. Walker talked a lot, mostly about videogames and basketball. He was worried Idina couldn't see him play anymore. He didn't want her to come if she might have a seizure. He was getting almost as protective as Aaron. Together they might mandate she never leave the house again. Her boy was squished against her so tightly she could feel him breathing.

"Is there anything I can do to make mom's brain better?"

"Walk, I promise everything you're doing is more than enough, okay?" Aaron said. "It's not your job to help her."

"But I want too," he whined.

"You are," Aaron reassured.

"I love you, mommy," he whispered, pulling himself up so that he was speaking into her ear. He removed his arm from around her waist, and she shivered as the cool air met her skin. He stroked her check a bit before noticing, then he covered her with another blanket before curling up back underneath. "Aaron?" Walker said.

"Yes," he replied. Idina could feel how close they both were to her.

"Do you really love mom?"

"Yes Walker," Aaron replied.

"You're not going to leave us, right?"

"No, I won't. You're stuck with me."

"Then you should be my dad because it will make mom better."

"Walk... we've discussed this, your mom..."

"I know but my dad's not here, and you are, and mom loves you and you love us. And you're here."

He continued and Idina could feel tears forming in her eyes. She'd failed as a mother and as a wife. Her son hated his father. She hadn't been strong enough. She'd destroyed his family. This was worse, she should have stayed with Taye. She had not been teaching him he deserved someone who treated him like Taye treated her, she was showing him how to give up. She should have put the fires out instead of running away and letting them burn the house down. The lyrics to Perfect Story were reeling in her head, only she was changing them as she went.

When London bridge came falling down, I saw you through the flames

And for a second I convinced myself, it's better if I left

But what would you have thought of me If you've watched us leave

Would you grow up and think a bridge on fire wasn't worth the pain

I'm so sorry

I tried to give you the perfect story

A textbook happy ending

Now everybody here is hurt

"Dee!" Aaron exclaimed when she couldn't hide her sobs.

"Mom!" Walker exclaimed. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it," he said.

Aaron got her sitting up and held her tightly in a hug. Walker bear-hugged her, repeating over and over again how sorry he was. Which made it worse. He shouldn't have to apologize for hating the person who beat her up. He shouldn't have to hate his father. Now he was doing both because she couldn't hold it together.

"It's not your fault," she sobbed, barely able to get the words out without heaving and her throat catching.

"I'm sorry mom," Walker sobbed.

"It's not your fault baby," she croaked out again, wrapping her arms around him and pressing her face into Aaron's chest to try and muffle her sobs.

This was worse. This was affecting him more than the fighting. She should have stayed with Taye, shown Walker what to look for in a wife, let her and Taye lecture him on their faults and how not to treat his wife. Teach him about highs and lows and how to get through them. Instead, she ran away and tried to act like it was normal, but she eventually stretched it too far and everything was broken. Nothing of this would have happened if she had stayed. They could have worked it out. The ending would be better.

She was a horrible mother. There was no way she could raise three more children without messing them up. They had been so selfish not to terminate her pregnancy. Now those three innocent little babies would suffer for the rest of their lives. All because of her.

"Hey, boys, do you—" Helen was cut off by the sight of her daughter having a breakdown in her husband's arms. She came over, crawling on the bed. "Hey, Dee, honey, it's okay," Helen said, brushing her matted hair out of her face.

She looked over to her grandson. "Can you do something?" he asked, his eyes wide and scared.

"Why don't you get your mom a glass of water?" she said.

Walker nodded timidly but left the room. Idina started crying harder, clinging to Aaron, and hiding her face in his grey shirt.

"Dee, honey," she said. "It's okay baby," she repeated, rubbing Idina's back. Aaron was rocking her back and forth.

"No, no it's not," Idina sobbed.

They both pressed themselves against her and held her until she gained a bit more control. The looked exhausted, her face with bright blotches and dark circles under her eyes. Idina was wavering between silently shaking and gulping sobs.

Walker came back with a glass of water. She drank it, using it to regulate her breathing. Then she pulled Walker onto her lap and apologized over and over and over again, hoping the words would somehow make it better.

Aaron offered her some melatonin, claiming if she slept a bit more, she might feel better. She took it because she wanted it over. But she didn't want to medicate herself into feeling better anymore. She wanted, no, she was craving it. She was craving being better. Being in control. Being there.

She slipped off into a fitful sleep surrounded by people who loved her, feeling like there was no one in the world who should.

~

The next few days were living hell. The pictures had gotten out and the entire internet was commenting on her post-partum belly fat. All her friends and DMed her telling her to ignore it and reminding her how far she's come in the past few months. A few went on angry rants on their social media.

Aaron told her she needed to see Angelika more or see someone else. He begged her to come to terms with what happened. With Taye beating the living daylights out of her. He said she needed to hear it, say it, and process it. It was two sides of the same coin. The mand she had loved and the drunkard who has assaulted her.

But talking about it, working through the issues, any of it brought the nightmares back. And she was already and a messed-up baby sleep schedule. Now she couldn't close her eyes without seeing the faces and the blood, her blood. But she never told Aaron that. Then he would be even more worried about her.

Angelika was recommending she start the process of coming off her medication if she could not deal with the spike in her anxiety. Her brain scans have shown that area of her brain was overly stimulated when compared to her former ones. And she was having issues handling it since... since Taye had... since IT happened. It had messed up her ability to mitigate her anxiety initially mixed with all her pregnancy hormones, and now her meds were making her anxiety work.

Aaron made her deal if she saw Angelika more and made some progress, she could stay on the meds. Angelika agreed. And this just made her feel like more of a burden because someone had to drive her to all of these appointments.

Erika offered all the time, saying she wanted more practice before her test. Then she'd sit in the lobby and read. Idina sometimes wondered if she just wanted to spend more time together, which made her worried that she wasn't spending enough time with her.

The triplets required so much energy as they were getting bigger. Idina had no idea where they got it all from. There was no way to be that active eating the amount of food they were. But they were chubby and happy and clearly not underfed.

At least she still got to curl up with Aaron when the triplets were asleep. And today was the perfect day. Walker was at an extended practice. Helen had taken him. Erika was working. The triplets were asleep. Aaron was too, but she got to lay here and feel the rise and fall of his chest. His arms around her made her feel safe while she was awake. She was getting better a dozing, but not falling asleep, or just taking naps too short to get lost in her fearscapes.

She emptied her brain and dozed off. Before she knew it, she felt Walker crawling in with them.

"Hey Pumpkin," she mumbled, moving over a bit to give him some room between the three of them.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" he asked.

"I am baby," she said. "How was practice?"

"We had to do suicides and the beep test," he groaned. "It was like gym class all over again. We didn't do any drills or anything like that."

"Oh no," she exclaimed in a whisper.

"I'm a lot better though!"

"That's so good Walkie, I'm so proud of my little man."

"Yeah, I'm really good," he said. She could hear the smile on his face as he spoke.

"When's your next game?" she asked.

"You know it," he said. "You wrote in on the calendar and highlighted it and draw hearts over it all the time," he complained.

"So? Tell me about the date."

"Ugh, fine. It's two days after Erika's driving test," he reminded her.

She kissed his forehead. "I love you," she said.

"You need to go to sleep," he told her.

"God, you're like a mini Aaron," she mumbled,

"But he's right," Walker pointed out. "And we both want you to get better."

"Me too baby," she said, kissing one of his little hands. "I'm trying."

"I know mom," he said. "I can see it. And I know it's hard, but I think you're doing a really good job."

"Thanks, Walker, that means a lot."

"Is it hard?" he asked.

"Yeah, I guess it's hard. It's very hard sometimes."

"Is it because your brain isn't working right, but it kind of needs to be working right to do all the things you need to do to get it working right?"

"Yeah, I think it's something like that," she said through a yawn.

"Healing's better when you sleep," Walker informed her. "I want to go make food with Grandma, but I'll stay until you sleep."

"Go make food with Grandma," she told him. "I've gotten all my snuggles and if I need more, I can snuggle Aaron."

"I'm glad you married Aaron; he makes you so happy. I like it when you're happy."

"Aw, Walk, me too. I'm so glad you're glad. Now make a really nice supper with Grandma. You need to learn how to cook or you'll end up like me."

"Your dinosaur pancakes are good when they're not burnt," he pointed out.

"And they come from a sugar-filled box and aren't like Aaron's scratch pancakes."

"Those are good too," Walker admitted. "Really good with the berries," he added, "but I like your chocolate ones more."

"But his berries and chocolate ones win all the prizes."

"Mhmm," Walker agreed.

"So you'd better learn how to cook so that you can make even better pancakes for your kids."

"I want kids," he said. "But I'm going to let them eat candy and stay up late."

"Sure Walk," she said with a chuckle. "When you're an adult you can make that choice."

"Uhun. Now I'm going to make food with Grandma. 'Cause I want to make food for kids one day. But I won't do pancakes, that way you and Aaron can make the best Grandma and Grandpa pancakes." He kissed her on the forehead and left the room before she had a chance to say anything else.

She smiled, feeling a bit better. She pulled herself on top of Aaron and decided now might be an okay time to try sleeping.

She was, of course, wrong.

~

The medication was still plunging her sex drive into override. On the day of Erika's driving test, she felt like she couldn't even look at Aaron without trying to rip his shirt off. And then she'd look at his shirt, and those abs, and his abdomen. He was so hot, and the baby faced cleanly shaven. If someone had told her having a baby would make Aaron cuter, she might have had one with him sooner.

While Erika was doing her test, she and Aaron were finalizing the adoption and getting the court date. It was more a formality. They would be asked if they wanted Erika as their daughter, and Erika would be asked if she wanted them to be her parents. They'd all say yes, sign a non-legal certificate and get a picture done with a family law judge.

Her leg bounced uncontrollably under the table as they went through everything with Carlyle, singing every line. Erika's relatives hadn't been able to do anything so far, and she and Aaron said they'd be willing to come to a solution about Erika's inheritance of they didn't.

They eventually had to spill the beans and the girl told them they could do whatever it took to get them gone. And besides, Idina wanted to be the one to provide for her children. There were no updates on the situation though and they did have five years to sort something out, however, any bargaining would be over as soon as they adopted Erika. If these people decided to be jerks, they could just stop cooperating.

"Have you been sleeping?" Carlyle asked Idina when he saw her.

"I have three babies," she reminded him.

"Yeah, and Aaron looks like he has three babies. You look like you've been through a warzone."

"I'm older," she huffed. "Maybe it's my age showing."

"Calm down Dee," Aaron said, "there' no need to be on edge."

"Right, sorry," she mumbled, turning back to the paper. He handed her some coffee. The buzz took longer than usual to kick in and it wasn't as strong as it used to be. She couldn't feel her eyes opening the way she had before. It just made them feel less heavy.

"When's that nanny moving in?" Carlyle asked, making small talk as they went about their business.

"A week, about," Aaron replied.

"You two need it."

"Don't we ever," Idina said. "I can't drive. She'll have to drive them to the pediatrician when Aaron's out. We've figured Erika could drive Walker to his games and stuff when she's free, but we know we can't rely on her all the time."

"The two of you are amazing parents," he said. "I'm so glad we've met. I've been more confident about a placement in all my time practicing family law. Almost everyone you meet you have some doubts here and there, especially after all the shit I've seen, but you two are just to effortlessly real."

"You sound like a woke teenager," Idina pointed out. "Effortlessly real."

"I mean it unironically."

"Oh just shut up," she teased, reaching over to his little candy bowl, and grabbing a lollipop. Then she shoved a few more in her pocket for her mother, about to be live-in nanny, and her the two children old enough not to choke on them.

~

They went to pick up Erika when all the paperwork was done. They texted her they were going to be running late, but neither of them had expected to be this late.

"Hey, so sorry," Idina said, flying into the room and giving her daughter a hug. "There were a lot more papers than anyone thought."

"It's fine," Erika said, hugging her back. She turned to Aaron and smiled, hugging him as well.

"So, did it go well?" he asked, lifting her off her feet in a bear hug.

"Kind of," she replied as he set her down.

"What does 'kind of' mean?" Idina asked.

Erika handed her a piece of paper. She had passed, but they were holding her licence until she got her eyes checked out. Apparently, they seemed to think she might need glasses.

"Do you think you need glasses?" she asked.

"I don't know," Erika replied. "Things looked they way they always have, but I couldn't read signs that were really far away that the examiner said I should be able too."

"Well, I guess we'll have to get you in to see an optometrist," Aaron said, patting her back and leading them out. "Good job on passing kid," he said. "You get to choose supper tonight, anything you want."

"Anything?" she echoed with a raised eyebrow.

"Anything," he confirmed.

"Like a candy buffet?" she asked.

"Do you want that?" Idina asked in shock.

"Yes or no?" she replied.

"Um, I mean if you do, then we promised..." Idina stuttered.

Erika started laughing. "I just wanted to see if you really meant everything. Actually just take out is fine."

"Did Walker goad you into this?" Aaron accused playfully.

"No," she said. "Maybe I want A&W." Walker wasn't the biggest A&W fan, but Erika was.

"Do you?"

"Yes."

"Okay, then we will stop along away."

Erika got into the back of the van. They had finally gotten around to getting a new one since three car seats did not fit in the back of a car. Idina called the house to get Walker's and Helen's orders and soon the car was filled with delicious smelling chicken, burgers, and soft drinks.

Walker was fine in the end. He drank his root beer first, and eventually wolfed down the hamburger. Then he wolfed down a second one and asked Idina for her leftovers. He did not have as big a problem as he made it out to be. Or maybe he was just growing. Idina hadn't measured him against the pantry door in a while. She was a bit scared too. She never wanted her little boy to go away. They had brought it up with Erika again, who had agreed on the adoption day they'd do it. Symbolism and stuff. Idina wasn't waiting until then to smother her like she did Walker, however. She could not wait that long.

Near midnight, after putting the triplets down for what would hopefully be a good portion of the night, Idina felt her urges coming back. Not to mention Aaron wasn't wearing a shirt. It was not helping.

Her brain started reeling, trying to figure out how exactly she could get everything she wanted. She could argue the dopamine and other chemical reactions might help her brain. It might relieve some of her stress. It would certainly make her happy.

His arms twisted around her waist from behind and he pulled her against him. He started kissing her neck and she froze for a moment, suddenly shocked, then melted into it, closing her eyes, and cocking her head to give him the best access. She took his hands and moved them under her nightgown and across her skin.

Then he stopped and just held her.

"Babe?" she asked, trying not to let her voice tremble.

"What?" he asked.

"Why'd you stop?"

"Hm?"

"Uh, what were you doing?"

"Just kissing you."

"That's it?"

"Um, yes, why, what's wrong Chickadee?" He was swaying back and forth.

She turned around, still trapped by the arms around her waist, and put her hands on his chest. They continued swaying, slowly morphing into a slow dance, and even slower becoming a slow waltz of sorts, with Idina standing on his feet hoping she remembered the steps and trying to remember to let him lead. He spun her around and she giggled. She hooked her wrists around his neck then kissed him. Really kissed him. In a way that made him go: "Oh sweet Jesus Idina" and stumble over his own feet.

He swore again as they fell onto the bed. Good, she wanted to swear too. Her entire body was alive and tingling. She had a strong feeling she'd be too preoccupied to have bad dreams tonight.