A few hours later, Idina stirred. She was smooshed between her husband and daughter. Aaron's chest was pressed against her back and their legs were entangled. He had a strong arm around her and Erika, keeping them pressed together. Idina had an arm around Erika as well. She would feel that the girl was moving a bit. She opened her eyes.

"Hey," she whispered.

"Mhm?" Erika muttered. She was awake.

"You awake?"

"Yeah," came the whispered reply.

Aaron was still firmly asleep. Idina could tell because she knew from the weight of his arm and the pace of his breath and the feeling of his chest rising and falling against her back.

"Thanks for helping me at the hospital."

"I didn't do anything," she replied.

"I love you," Idina said. She always said now. At least once a day, until it was redundant.

Normally, Erika never said anything. This time she did, asking Idina a question she had asked often before when Idina had done something she did not understand: "Why?" She asked that a lot. Before all this when they had opened up personally it was always "Why?' "Why are you telling me this?" as she tried to make sense of them. Now it was much the same, only they had to answer properly, or they might get kicked out again.

Idina was not prepared for that.

Because I do, because I love you, because I do not know what I would do with myself if you ever left. Because you and Walker are getting along. She had no idea what to say. Some sounded empty or desperate, others were too much for Erika to handle. Aaron would know what to say. That was why she had asked Idina. Not to mention Idina was the one who always mentioned love.

"Because" Idina started, "because you are amazing," she whispered, kissing Erika's shoulder. She knew Erika was most comfortable with shoulder kisses, sometimes brow or temple depending on her mood. She also knew that she could hug Erika without spooking her, but Aaron always come on too strong for some reason, yet Erika seemed to prefer holding Aaron's hand for extended periods whereas with Idina she preferred quick moments unless it was nighttime and she was having night terrors. There was not much logic to it, at least not one that she understood, but logical or not they did their best to try and respect her boundaries, because she would not enforce them herself. "And you are very smart. You can see things in words that others cannot, even when you have trouble with conversations and emotions. I know that you're trying so hard right now and I'm grateful for it and every moment we get to spend together."

"But why do you love me? How do you know?"

Idina blinked. Had she not just said why? "I know because..." she did not want to trail off, she knew what Erika would think. But she did want to say anything sappy or cliché. She wanted to say something that Erika would understand. "I'm just trying to word it in a way you would understand," Idina said, hoping it did not sound patronizing. "I want to tell you that I get a crushing feeling in my chest when we talk. It is not bad. It is ironic. The way you feel when your sad is the way you feel when you desperately love someone, only one makes you happy. And I worry about you all the time because I want you to be safe. And when you smile it makes me smile. You have a gorgeous smile." She was rambling. But it was better than nothing. Maybe something would get through.

"Oh," was all that the girl said. She was still in many ways a stone wall. Idina could not tell if she was glad or disappointed or something else entirely.

"I do love you," she said, in case it was not clear. "Emotions can be hard for me to verbalize. That why that song was such a mess. I know exactly what feeling is, I just cannot articulate them. We are opposites there. When you know what you are feeling, you articulate it very well. And you can explain sometimes what others are feeling if you understand it. It is an incredibly good talent. It'll take you far in life."

They were silent for a while, trapped by Aaron. Idina played with Erika's hair. She could see why the girl often played with it. With the right conditioner and the split ends gone, it was incredibly soft. It was also easing her nerves. Her mind was reeling, telling that she had said the wrong thing, said something that Erika would take the wrong way. But Erika seemed fine, though she was not one to voice discomfort unless it was severe. That was why Idina and Aaron had to pay so much attention to how she was reacting to new situations and steer her out of anything that might be dangerous to her mental state.

"If you want to get up, I can stay here with Aaron," Idina offered. "He's in a pretty deep sleep, I don't think he'd notice."

"I'd like too," she replied. "Thank you."

Idina helped Erika manoeuvre herself out from underneath Aaron's arm, then placed it on her bump as Erika slipped silently out the door. Aaron adjusted himself, pulling Idina closer and holding her tighter. She smiled. She loved this man so much and she felt so unbelievably safe in his arms she was worried it might be a dream. And she missed Erika, but the girl was a teenager and emotionally stunted. A tragedy had given them the ability to make so much progress with her. Idina could not abuse that. She would not. Taye had abused the state she had been in after the miscarriages. She would never do that to anyone else.

She was still sore and could feel the phantom gloved hands on her, everywhere, prying, poking, taking tests with swabs and needles and machines. It had gone on for a couple of hours. They had been inside her. There had been so many tests because Idina has asked for all of them. They knew for sure she was not having a miscarriage, but who's to say there wasn't something that would come up in the next few weeks, something serious or life-threatening that had caused the bleeding.

They had not talked her through everything like Felicity did to calm her. They just went for it, moving quickly and roughly and now she was in pain. It was growing, her skin throbbing. She sighed and squeezed her eyes shut, gripping tightly to Aaron's hand. Now that there were no distractions it was getting worse. She wanted him to wake up and make her feel better, but he needed sleep. He always stayed awake until she fell asleep, an old habit that was no longer practical with their new schedules. It was better when she had worked morning and him afternoons, but now that he worked all day, he needed what precious hours he could get.

Idina needed to get up. She carefully unravelled herself from her husband and went to the bathroom. Her entire lower half was covered in small bruises, most of the more prominent ones from needles and other devices, some because she was so pale and bruised so easily that people touching her could leave marks for a day or two. She was ugly. She could still feel the hands that had left the imprints or taken the tests. This had all turned out to be nothing and she had let people touch her where only Aaron could. She had physically cheated on him.

She pulled her pants back up, washed her hands, and sat down on the cold tiled floor. They were installing a heated floor in the summer. No arguments. It was happening, whether Aaron wanted it or not. He was not spending as much time here as Idina was, he did not know how badly they needed it. He would soon learn with two newborns. If they got two newborns. Bella had been more a stillbirth than a miscarriage since Idina had carried her so long. The babies were fully formed now. She might not miscarry, but that will not stop them from being born dead. What if that happened? Aaron was already so excited. They could never know until the day of, spending the rest for the next six months believing they would have children and that dream would get shattered. She would hurt Aaron like how she had hurt Taye. She never wanted to hurt Aaron. Ever. But she already had. She let all those people touch her.

And what about Erika? Had she said the right things? Aaron would have known what to say. She said the wrong thing. She was always saying the wrong things. She had just messed everything up and she was going to mess everything up. She was going to take all his children away from him and he would hate her.

There was just so much going on. Her heart was racing. She curled up in a ball on the floor. She wanted Aaron. She did not deserve him. She had no idea what she was going to do. So, she stayed on the floor. It was the logical thing she could think of.

~

Aaron awoke complexly alone. The blinds were down with only a little bit of the midday light shining through, making the room seem greyscale. There was an orange glow coming from the bathroom where the door was slightly ajar. He blinked a few times, then walked over to the door.

"'Dina?" he asked, knocking.

There was nothing but a muffled response.

"I'm coming in Dee," he warned as he pushed open the door.

Idina was laying semi-prone in the fetal position on the floor, tears streaming down her face. She was breathing heavily and quickly. She did not look up and him.

"Dee?" he asked, falling to the floor, and picking her up. She was hyperventilating. He quickly started helping her calm down. It took him twenty minutes until she was breathing semi-steadily and stopped crying. He pulled her close against his chest and breathed deeply, trying to calm his nerves. "What's wrong baby?" he asked while kissing her temple.

"You're going to hate me," she breathed.

"Dee," he said firmly, "there's nothing you could have done to make me hate you. What happened?"

"It's not what I've done," she said. "It's what going to happen." Her lower lip trembled, and her voice was quivering.

"What's going to happen?"

She started crying again, soft whimpers escaping her lips as a few tears rolled down her cheek.

"Dee?" He stroked her cheek. "Is this about this morning? Everything is fine, those tests they did will come back negative. You're completely healthy, so are the twins." He rubbed her bump. She was limp in his arms. "I don't hate you; I'd never hate you." He reminded himself it was just the hormones. He hugged her and ran a hand through her hair. "We can just sit here if you want," he continued when he realized she was not going to say anything else. "You are right, it's cold. We can get some heated tiles, 'kay babe? Just tell me what is wrong, and I will get you heated tiles. But then you can't complain about my feet being cold."

She let out a small chuckle, making him smile.

"There's my girl," he cooed between short kisses to her hairline. "What got you all worked up?"

"It's just..." she trailed off. "I mean..."

"Take your time."

Idina took a few deep breaths and centred herself before she spoke again. "Lots," she said. "Too much." She took the had in her hair and placed it back on her bump. "It's just that I'm worried that I'm going to mess this all up. Like what if the twins end up being stillborn? What if I mess things up with Erika? What if it all happens and I lose Walker and you lose everything and then you will hate me because I brought them all into your life then took them away. And in the hospital, everyone was touching me, and I feel like I have been unfaithful, and I know how much that hurts. I'm just so worried I'm going to mess up your life and you'll grow to hate me."

"Dee, you brought light into my life. I had given up on love until we became a thing. I thought Family was just a dream; not in the cards for me. You proved me wrong."

"And I'll take it all away."

"No, you won't. And if by some unfair, unlikely, impossible horror, I am so glad for everything good that you have given me. You have given me so much good. So much to love and be thankful for. Anyone would be lucky to experience joy like I have felt with you for a day. I have gotten years. If it all went away, I would be eternally grateful for the time we had and sad for the time we lost. But none the less grateful for what we had. Because we have so much."

She started crying again. "I know we have so much. There is so much we can lose. That's the problem with having stuff: it can be taken away." They both had the fleeting thought that this was exactly how Erika felt. It had always been her go-to. Idina now knew that Erika had been right. It was so much safer not to get attached, not to get comfortable. She should have listened to the girl and saved herself so much heartache.

"Dee, can I tell you that you're just hormonal?" he asked.

"No," she snapped. "I'm unfaithful and I've ruined everything. I'm not hormonal."

"Alright," he said, knowing there was no use arguing. "You were not unfaithful though. I will not let you believe that. You're not hormonal, fine, but you've never cheated on me."

"But they were touching me," she said.

"Were emotions involved?"

"No... I was kinda an emotional mess though..."

"See, it's fine. You still love me?"

"Of course!"

"And the fact that you're all worked up about this proves my point."

"Maybe I'm just hormonal," she snapped again, turning on a dime. "Maybe I was cheating with those stupid invasive nurses and I'm just hormonal and sad. How do you know?"

"Were you?"

"No," she said in defeat.

"Then my point stands."

"But-"

"No buts, Dee," he said, his exasperation showing.

"See, you're annoyed with me. I am ruining this relationship."

"No, you are not. You are hormonal, and you are being your stubborn, difficult self. The stubborn, difficult woman I fell in love with. I just wish you felt better about yourself. I am not frustrated with you. I'm frustrated because you are so amazing, and you seem the be the only person who can't see it."

"The doctor though..."

"Why are you fixating on this?" he asked. "I feel like we've been over this multiple times. Why are you fixating on it?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "I can just, I can still feel them there, touching me. The tests hurt. Not all of them, but some were excruciatingly painful. And they stuck needles in me. They stuck cameras and other things inside me, and I just feel so disgusting. Monogamy is so important to me, and I just let a dozen people feel me up with however they wanted too with whatever they wanted to use. And then my brain starts reeling. What if they were not doing tests, what if someone was taking advantage of me? I have no idea. I was delirious."

"Do you think someone did?" he asked, his voice lowered in concern. "Idina?"

"No," she said. "Logically I know nothing happened. Nothing did happen, but that little voice in my head that trusts no one is telling me all these awful things. What if the cameras were also recording devices? They could sell those. How do I know all the nurses and doctors were actually nurses and doctors and not creeps paying the hospital for a chance to feel up a celebrity? I was so out of control and I hate it. I hate all of it! I have never been in control of anything!" She paused. She was raising her voice. She was not going to yell at him again.

"Dee, you can let it all out. I will be your venting wall. I will go close the doors," he said it all tenderly and he got her off his lap and walked out of the bathroom, closing both the bedroom door and the bathroom door as he came back.

"I don't want too," she said. "I don't want you to see me like this. I don't want to yell at you again."

"You won't be yelling at me, Dee. I deal with this stuff every day. I know you are not yelling at me. You just need a safe space to vent. I will be your safe space. I care about you. I want to be your safe space." He took her hand and their eyes locked. "What's a few words said in anger if it helps you? You were having a panic attack on the floor, Dee. That is serious. And if you do not vent to me, you must start talking to someone else. I know I said I would stay out of this but if you are getting this worked up you need to see that therapist more. You have not even given me their name; how do I know you're not making this up to make me feel better?" He was giving her the cold hard truth. She needed some tough love right now. "I love you to the moon and back, but you cannot do this alone. I am not going to sit by at let you self-destruct."

Idina was frozen, but he could see her running through her options. He had gotten through.

"Angelika Hawthorne," she said after a moment, "that's who I'm seeing."

"Okay, that's a start." The name was vaguely familiar. It had been on a list of highly respected and certified people he had given to Idina who were in no way affiliated with him so she knew she would have their full confidence. It was the same list they had chosen Dr. Snow from.

"I don't want to say any more about it."

"That's fine." He was relieved. He had gotten through. "You can vent now. Erika is downstairs, probably making lunch. She won't hear you."

"Okay," Idina breathed after a moment. She hugged Aaron and apologized in advance for what she was about to do, but she knew she had to do it and there was no one else who made her feel safe enough to let it all out.

He reassured her again and with deep breaths, she finally let go. She ripped him a new one. Frustrations, worries, everything. Through tears and rage. Things she had never told him about her and Taye. Things she thought she would take to her grave. How out of control it made her feel, and how it infuriated her. She hated every moment of that sweet release, but she had to do it. She verbally massacrated him with everything she had and when she was done, she collapsed, exhausted, into his waiting and loving arms.

They sat peacefully on the bathroom floor. Idina had never felt so light. Aaron said nothing about what had just transpired. He just held her and played with her dark chocolate locks. He knew she was not in the mood for sweet kisses. She just wanted physical affirmation that he would still hold and cherish her.

Idina was the first one to speak. She said mindless things, went on one of the short rants that he so often told her he adored. Then she told him about her moment with Erika and he finally broke his silence by telling her she had done everything right. Then he thanked her and let her know that she ever needed to that again he was here and he promised he was not going to bring up the things she had told him, for her venting was not the same as her opening up. He wanted her to know she was safe. And Idina felt so very safe.

They decided they were still going to go to Kristen's party. Walker was looking forward to it. It would be something new for Erika. They both needed a break from this house, and they needed to talk to other people who were not a part of their jobs.

They went downstairs. If Erika had heard anything, she did not say a word. She had made herself a grilled cheese sandwich and Aaron decided to follow her lead and made two more. The three of them ate at the table and they talked small talk until it was time to pick Walker up.

On our way, Idina texted Taye.

K. What happened this morning?

Aaron had stressed induced 
heart palpitations.

Is he ok?

Y

U had the talk with Walker
without consulting me

It just happened Taye
Walk was asking question
and it just came up

I'm his father

I know

U know I wanted to
be the one to have the
talk with Walk

It just happened. We
didn't mean anything
by it.

He's my son

I know

Not Aaron's. If he wants
his own son he got's you
to knock up if he's brave
enough do deal with u

Youre Walk's father. I
wont deny that but
don't you dare talk to
me or about me like that.
Or Aaron. He's a good man
better than you.

Shit, im sorry
im just frustrated
I really wanted
that moment with
Walker

Im sorry you didn't
I want you to have
those moments with him
too but the circumstances
called for it

What circumstances?

People were telling him
wrong things at school
to start and I did not
want him getting wrong
or dangerous ideas

But still, I could have
done it

I know you could have

You might be able to
replace me but im
not letting walk do it

Im not trying to replace
u in his life Taye.
I just want to be happy
Aaron makes me happy
grow the f up

How did you do it?

Do what?

Get walk to like him

Aaron?

Who else

I dunno he just warmed
up to him after a while

'cause I met someone
in Florida, and I really
like her but Walk doesn't
want me dating anyone.

I just want to be happy
too Dee

I don't know what
to tell u but ill
talk to Walk about it
if that helps

Thank you, CU soon

Idina took a deep breath. She was not mad or fired up as she might have been yesterday. Venting had seriously helped and calmed her nerves and rage. And she was brave enough to stand up for herself, even if it was by text. She was a bit irritated though, and Aaron noticed as they pulled into the driveway because he asked what was wrong. When he killed the engine, she handed him her phone.

Walker was instantly in the back seat, bucking himself up and telling them about the basketball game they had gone too and how much fun he had with his aunts, uncles, and grandparents. The turkey had been huge. Bigger than he had ever seen before. It had to have been from dinosaur times. Dad may have just fed him a dinosaur and he'd not sure if he should be trilled or trying to clone it.

"that's wonderful Walk," Idina said. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah!" he replied enthusiastically.

Aaron handed Idina her phone back. "Okay," he said as he shifted the vehicle into drive, "let's go."