Abi's POV

"Ah, so this is why I woke up alone." I opened my eyes to see Lin in his pajamas standing by my bed. I realized that I was curled tightly in a ball, wrapped in a blanket, and Vanessa had fallen asleep at the foot of my bed.

"Sorry Honey." She said, sitting up.

"All is forgiven." He said, bending down to kiss her, "just, why are you sleeping in her room?" He asked, after he kissed his wife.

"I couldn't sleep last night." I admitted. "And, Mom and I were looking through old photo albums last I remember."

"You conked out between the honeymoon album and Sebs baby album. I turned around and you were snoring, curled under your blanket, in the living room, I carried you back to bed, and I guess I fell asleep too." Vanessa explained.

"Alright, well, it's 7:00." Lin announced. I gave him a smile, and started to climb out of bed, as soon as I stood up I realized I was still quite light headed from yesterday. "Woah. You okay?" Lin asked, as I started to sway on my legs.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I said, grabbing the nightstand to steady myself.

"You sure?" He asked, putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah, it's just, I'm still a little bit faint." I said, letting go of the nightstand. "Can I shower?" I asked.

"Of course Mija." Lin said, and I grabbed clothes and a my make up and went into the bathroom.

I stared at myself disdainfully in the mirror for about a minute. I hated my thighs, they were huge whenever I sat down, and my stomach was almost outlined, it was extended, and it hurt to suck it in all the time. My upper arms were fat, and so was my face, my hair was obnoxious and too hard to control. I had acne on the left side of my forehead, my feet curled in making my stance awkward.

I hit myself. I took a can of hairspray and I hit myself, I hit myself until it stopped hurting, then I grabbed a glass jar and hit myself with it in the gut. I immediately let out a yelp of pain, as part of the fragile glass broke off and lodged itself in my skin. I carefully pried it out of me, then set it down on the counter, a bit of blood was dripping from the cut, but in some odd way, it felt right. Like I deserved it. I guess I did.

I showered quickly to make up for the missed time, and bandaged the cut, praying it wouldn't bleed through my clothes. I cleaned up all traces of blood from the bathroom, before walking into the living room.

"Hi Mija." I smiled, seeing Lin feeding Sebastian.

"Hi."

"You yelped in the bathroom, did you cut yourself shaving?" He asked, and my face flushed red, he couldn't know what I just did.

"Oh! No, um, there, uh, there was a spider." I lied.

"Please say you killed it." He said quickly.

"Spiduh!" Seb squealed jumping up and down in his seat.

"No. Spiders are evil. Smash spiders." Lin joked with his son. And banged his fist down on his knee.

"Evil spiduh! OAK SMASH!" He yelled and pounded his little fists into his breakfast, getting baby food all of Lin.

"And I remember why you feed the child." He said, standing up. "I'm gonna go get a towel." He smiled, and went into the kitchen. I grabbed my backpack and started looking through it. "No school Mija!" I heard Lin yell

"Wait, why?" I asked.

"It's a work day." He said, and I exhaled, dropping my bag.

"Am I coming in with you?" I asked.

"Nope, I have a tux fitting for the Tonys, I don't think you'd want to go to that." He said, coming back into the living room, where I sat with Sebastian on my lap both of us playing with his trains.

"What am I doing then?" I asked.

"You're going in with your mom." He said, grabbing a train. "ACTION CHUGGER!" He smiled and put it on the track.

"I have a client meeting!" I heard her yell from her and Lins bedroom. "Then an associates meeting! You can sit in on them if you want!"

"Okay!" I yelled back.

"Koko!" Seb squealed poking at my train.

"Cutie." I smiled, kissing the top of his head, which I guess, was a thing in this family.

"Honey we should head out." I heard Vanessa as she came into the room. "Did you take your meds?" She asked.

"No." I sighed, standing up, passing my little brother off to Lin.

"Okay, I'll go get them, do you want an apple?" She asked, and I shook my head no. "You need to eat when you take meds, or else you'll get sick." She said, handing me an apple.

"Thank you." I said softly, taking the apple.

"You're welcome, and here are your meds." She smiled, handing me the two pills and a glass of water. I swallowed the pills along with the water, then took a bite of the apple.

"Awesome." She smiled, "now, let's go." She took my hand, and pulled me along behind her stopping to give Sebastian a kiss on the head (what did I say?) and Lin a goodbye for the day kiss.

"Have a good day at work V!" He called as we left the apartment.

•••

"So, I understand that this isn't the kind of case we usually take, but, Mrs. Nadal, you've always seemed open to new challenges." One of the partners at my moms law firm was heading up a meeting, which, from my perspective was about whether or not to take on a client. I wasn't really paying attention, I was reading To Kill A Mockingbird, again.

"Can we briefly review it?" She asked, from her seat next to me, I was seated between her and another lawyer, trying to use as little space as possible for me and my book.

"Of course." The man started, "our perspective client, Mrs. Carmen Gomez-Smith, wants to file charges against her husband for domestic abuse." My eyes quickly flitted from the intriguing rape case in my book, to the familiar domestic abuse case in front of me. "She said that the attacks were only when he was drunk or high, but, when they came they were harsh, she ended up in the hospital multiple times." He started to explain, and my heart started thumping, and my head started spinning and I became hyper-aware of everything, the intervals everyone took between breaths, the slight tapping of pens and pencils, Vanessa's perfume, everything. "She said she felt the need to get herself out of the situation, so she's also filing a divorce, now, all we would need to..." His words started mingling together, slurring, my vision started to fade, and I realized what was going on. I quickly stood up, and escaped the room, sinking down against the wall next to the door, letting the flashback overtake me.

I was sitting in my bedroom in my 2nd foster families home. The stale horrible smell of whiskey and marijuana drifted around the house, I had been spending most of my money on air fresheners for my room. My door was thrown open and I felt a hand around my wrist, I looked up to see Mark Brown, my foster father. He yanked me down the hallway of the small house in the middle of nowhere, finally pushing me into the living room which was full of men, who, according to their mannerisms, were high, and wasted.

Once again the memory was blurry, I was attacked in that living room, it was mainly Mark, and it was fun for the other guys to watch. All I recall sharply was the way he twisted my arm, then another man kicked it, breaking my arm at the elbow, which wasn't where it stopped. I woke up the next morning on the floor of the living room, my arm broken, and my face bleeding.

I could feel the gazes of the 6 or so men, until Mark grabbed me and shoved me to the floor, I felt his foot make contact with my gut which merited a yelp, then I felt another kick, this time to the shoulder, before I could process that one, it happened again in my hip, then my leg, then my head, until I had curled myself into a ball crying from fear and pain. I felt Mark grip my right arm and twist it backwards, so it was straight out, then I felt a harsh kick to the elbow and I screamed, their fun continued until who knows when, all I remember was waking up the next morning, bruised and bleeding, with a broken arm.

"Mija?" I looked up to see Vanessa kneeling in front of me, her hand on my knee. "Mija, I'm sorry, I won't take the case, I know it's reminiscent for you, I promise sweetheart, I'll ask one of the other lawyers to take it, I don't usually handle these types of cases anyway." She brushed my hair back behind my ear.

"Okay." I whimpered.

"Okay." She smiled, and hugged me, "I'll go in there and tell them I can't take the case. Okay?" She offered, and I nodded. "Be out in a second." She smiled, and walked back inside the room. She came back in a couple minutes. "Okay darling, let's go." She took my hand and pulled me up, she wrapped her arm around my waist and walked me back out to the car.

•••

"Peanut?" Lin asked, once I was home. I was sitting in bed, with my book. "Can we talk?" He asked, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Yeah." I said, sitting my book aside. "What's up?"

"I just, I need you to talk to me about your anorexia. It's getting serious sweetheart, you've passed out twice."

"I don't want to talk about it." I admitted, pulling my legs up to my chest.

"I know, I know honey." He said, tucking my hair behind my ear. "I just, I want you to be okay, and healthy, and darling, you're not right now."

"I'm fine." I said.

"Abigail, you pretended to eat for a week. You hid food in your pockets and napkins and fed it to the dog. You're not fine."

"Well, okay, maybe I'm not fine, but I'll be okay, you don't have to worry about me."

"Have you seen yourself?" He said, "I'm sorry that was rude, I guess, I have to worry about you, you're my kid, and, you went unconscious in front of at least a hundred people yesterday."

"Dad, I just..." I trailed off, not really knowing what to say.

"Peanut, just talk to me." He said, moving to sit by me.

"I don't want to talk." I complained.

"Don't you think I know that. You're making it very clear."

"Maybe it's because I'm not proud of this." I spat, "maybe it's because I wake up at night because I can't sleep because I feel bloated. Maybe it's because sucking in my gut hurts, maybe it's because I want to be lighter, maybe is because I want to smile without my face getting chubby and dimples showing. Maybe it's because I just want to make myself as small as possible because I hate it when people look at me, and I just want to disappear because I hate myself!" I yelled at my dad. I felt kind of guilty, I wasn't planning on telling anyone this.

"Mija..." Lin started, taken aback a little, I don't think he was expecting that.

"I hate myself." I whispered.

"Baby please don't say that." He said, pulling me into his side.

"It's true." I said, starting to cry. "I hate myself."

"Sweetie, sweetie, shh." He scooped my legs, up, over his, and pulled my head into the crook of his neck. "Come here."

"I hate myself." I repeated, realizing it was the first time I had admitted it.

"Please please don't say that, please Peanut it makes me upset." He brushed my hair back. "You're my precious little girl, I love you." He kissed my head. "Can I make you a salad?" He asked.

"Yes." I nodded, still crying. "Thanks."

"Okay." He stood up, and carried me into the kitchen, setting me down on the counter. He made me a salad, then we had to go to the show.

•••

Hi, sorry this is a day late. I had awful writers block.

Also, I want to say thank you to everyone who sent me those really kind messages and posted really uplifting crap. I'm serious, those messages brought me to tears, you guys are quite honestly so so incredibly kind and loving and I am so grateful to have readers who actually give a crap about me. I've never really experienced this before.

Obviously I've been going through a rough time lately, and it really really sucks.

Also, do you guys remember like, 50 something chapters ago I did character Q&A's?

I want to do them again!

So... Characters:

Abigail

Lin

Vanessa

Luke

Nick

Friends

Misc.

Myself.

Thanks for reading!

I love you.

-Abi