(Okay, so um, this is triggering so please read with caution)

Jordan's point of view

You know those nights that you just stay up late because your mind can't stop racing? Those nights when you just sit in a place alone and play music that describes how you feel so you don't feel alone? The nights when you're sad enough to cry, angry enough to break things, but numb to the point your body physically cannot do anything so it leaves you with frustration?

Yeah, it was one of those nights.

'Perfect' by Simple Plan played out of my phone and I just pulled my knees up to my chest as the warm summer wind blew. I was outside so I don't wake anyone up and so no one can see me. I didn't want anyone to see me at the moment.

In front of me was a few paper towels and a razor blade from one of my pencil sharpeners. I eyed the two while my mind debated if I should or if I should not. I didn't want to break my promise, I truly did not, but I just felt so much pain in my chest and I longed for it to go away again. Just like it did last time.

I looked around, seeing no one in sight. I didn't think anyone would be in the backyard at the time, but I just needed to make sure. I didn't want anyone catching me like this again. I couldn't let them catch me again.

My stomach twisted with guilt as I eyed the piece of metal that shined in the moonlight. I promised Timothy I wouldn't, but here I am again. Another thing that was getting to me was the fact I was screwing the guys' career, and lives even, up. I was messing them up with my problems.

I was even annoying people on the internet. People hated me on there. It seemed I couldn't do anything right, especially towards the guys' fanbase. They just seemed to hate me. I'd probably hate me too because I'm the cause their tour is being pushed back.

I grabbed the cold metal and looked at my wrist where the old scars were. I placed the blade on my wrist, right under the last scar and pressed down, not hard enough to break the skin but enough to feel it dug into it.

'Emo freak'

'Publicity stunt'

'Unloved'

'Worthless'

'Irrirating'

'Why would our boys love you when your own parents didn't even love you?'

'Bitch'

'Murderer'

I blinked as my eyes watered and then slid the blade across my wrist again. I sniffled and then looked at the cut as I bled. I placed the blade right under it again, doing the same to try and stop this pain in my chest and the guilt in my stomach.

I bit into my lip and my wrist stung and hurt, momentarily pulling me from my hurting chest. I could taste blood in my mouth and I just ran my tongue over the small cut.

The song was changing since I had it on shuffle and I sniffled. I placed the blade down on my wrist again but I couldn't move it once I heard the all to familiar guitar chords and lyrics play.

"Life's a tangled web..."

I instantly thought of Timothy and Ashton as the song played and then covered my mouth. Tears fell as I realized what I did and I dropped the blade.

I grabbed the tissue from under my phone and pressed it against my wrist. How disappointed would they be in me? How mad have I just made them? How will Ashton react? How will Timothy react?

I cried into my arms that I just folded over my knees and I shook my head. I'm an idiot. I can't do anything right. I can't when keep a simple promise. I just disappoint everyone, don't I?

I heard the sliding door open and I froze instantly. No. Please no. I didn't think anyone would come out here because they were all asleep after a long day. I didn't think any of them would have woken up to the music because the door was closed.

"Jordan?"

It was Ashton. Fuck. Why did it have to be him? Out of everyone in that house, Ashton just had to be the one to step outside. I'm so mad at myself for not being smarter about this.

"Princess, what's wrong? Why are you cry-no, you didn't. Is that a razor blade?" He said shocked and I buried my head into my arms some more. My body shook as I cried and I could feel him crouched down beside me.

"I'm so sorry."

"Look at me." He told me but I didn't. "Jordan, you can't, this isn't, I just, why princess?" He asked me, unable to speak a full sentence. "Jordan, look at me."

"I-I don't want to."

"Please." He begged me and I shook my head. "I'll get on my knees and beg you. Jordan, please, look at me." He told me and I felt his hand on my back.

"I can't."

"Yes you can." He told me and despite not wanting to, I did. I looked up at him and he had turned the light on back here. "There are those pretty eyes." He said, though he seemed pained.

He wiped my eyes and I looked down at the floor. "Please, talk to me." He said as he moved my bangs out of my face. I looked back up at him again and he sat down in front of me criss-crossed. "Please."

"I don't, what am I supposed to say?" I asked him, my voice rough and scratchy. "I don't know what I'm supposed to say." I told him.

"Why? Why would you do this again, even after you saw how much it hurt us? What made you feel like you have to do this again?" He asked me as he turned me so I was facing him. He tilted my head up so I had to look at him and he grabbed my wrist.

I struggled to find the way to fit the words together. I struggled to string my words together in a way to explain why but still not putting anyone in the spotlight. I didn't want him to get upset at his fans or at Michael.

"Jordan, you have to tell me. I need to stop this. If I can stop this from happening again, I want to know what I have to do." He told me as he flipped my wrist over. "If someone is making you feel so bad that you have to hurt yourself to feel better, I want to know who."

"I don't want you to get mad at them, especially since you love them so much." I said quietly. "I don't want to be the reason you're mad at them."

"I'd have every right to be mad if they're making you feel this way. This, self harm, is not the answer, please trust me on this. I talked to James about this aswell. This won't help. All it does is add on to your pain, but this way your reminded of it everytime you look in the mirror." He told me and I looked at him. "Trust me on this."

"Why should I trust you?"

"Because I went through this too."

I looked at him, shock running through my veins. He self harmed before? He used to feel like this too? Irrelevant in people's lives and a burden to everyone?

"You-You what?"

"I used to do this Jordan, I used to cut aswell. I used to think it would help with the pain and the stress, but it doesn't. All it ensures is about five minutes of freedom, not a lifetime." He told me. "It doesn't help."

"Unless you hit the vein-"

"Don't talk like that." He told me sharply. "I do not want to hear you talk like that ever again. If you do, I will not hesitate to put soap inside of your mouth, do you understand me?" He asked me and I nodded.

"Now, I want the names of the people who made you feel like this Jordan. I want to know who made you feel that you needed to self harm to take the pain away." He told me as he looked at me.

"I can't."

"You can, and you will." He told me as he lifted my head up so I'd look at him again. "I want the names of the people I have to kill." He said and I cracked a smile. "I'm serious."

"You're too close to them, you wouldn't be able to kill them." I said. "Not only would the band fail with you in jail, but your fans wouldn't be happy."

"Just tell me," he told me. "Please."

"Ashton, I can't. Especially since you're going on tour tomorrow." I told him and he looked at me for a few seconds in silence. "Vivian told me." I said and he nodded. I think we'd end up talking about that later.

"Was it one of the guys?"

"What? No."

"It was." He said upset after he noticed my nervous demeanor. "Who was it? Luke? Calum?" He asked and I shook my head. "It was Michael?" He asked me slowly and quietly.

"Not entirely."

"We god dammit, tell me." He said and I flinched at his tone. "I'm sorry it's just that this is a serious matter. I need to know who. Michael and who else? Was it Timothy?"

"No, of course not. He wouldn't dare." I said with a smile but then it faded as I realized maybe he would. Maybe, just like Michael, he'd make me feel like this. "No." I repeated, somehow trying to reassure myself he wouldn't.

"If it was him you know for damn sure he's out of the picture and I wi-"

"No, it wasn't him. Timothy is the best thing that's ever happened to me. He's never hurt me." I told Ashton and he nodded. "Um, it's um, when I go on my Twitter or Instagram-"

"Hate?" He asked me and I nodded. "Jordan, you should have just said so. I can fix that easily, and so can the other guys." He told me and I nodded.

"I promise you I'll talk to them okay? Never do this again." He told me as he grabbed my face in his hands. "Never hurt yourself like this again Jordan. I'll be checking now too. I don't want you to get sucked into this. You have way too much ahead of you in life to go down this path." He said.

"Like what?"

"Everything. You're thirteen, thirteen, you still have so much ahead of you. There are so many people you haven't met and so many places you haven't gone to. You still have your graduations to look forward to and you still have your wedding and so much more. Don't throw that all away just for these." He told me, holding the blade in his hand.

"Promise me this will be the last time." He said, looking me right in the eye. "Promise me you won't seek help in pills or blades or anything of the sort. Promise me you'll come to one of us, hell, you can even go to one of your friends."

"I promise." This time I was going to keep it.

"It's five am," he said sadly. "We have to leave at one." I looked down and he lifted my head up again. "How about me and to spend the day together? Just us two. Father daughter time you could call it."

"That sounds great." I told him honestly and he smiled. He handed my phone to me and then helped me up.

"You can go get showered and dressed after I bandage these up okay?" He said and I nodded. "Come on, let's go inside."