please don't read...

i know they feel tht way about me. i feel this way about me. i feel this way about others im ugly. they know. and i know. i feel like that towards others. that's how i know you felt that way about me.

i fear one day i will be stuck in my ways waiting for someone. but they will be doing something i refuse to do because im suck in my ways. and then they do the same and were both stuck and i never get them again. it happned once but i wasn't the one to step up. and now my frear is suported and it hurts even more.

i keep onto my history. i watch it repeat. i lose myself in thought. i watch over all that has happened. i lose myself in the maps of my mind. i have been navigating for a while but i still get lost. i forget time and i forget my history. but at the same time i have never been more focused on everything at once. i feel my mind is... well im not sure but it is a change well welcomed and one i have been waiting for quiet some time. 

i wish i could write what i want to. i can only write what others want. i wish i could draw the most expressive of faces. but i can only do the most disturbed and ugly. i wonder if that says anything about me... it probably does...

your words hurt im not going to lie. but ill never admit it. not to you anyway... im so sorry i wan't to help.. but i can't 

i don't sleep i don't dream. no i pass out. and i make and live in a world other than this. hard to keep tract of time. i lose myself in the world. so tired but i can't sleep.

there is an armageddon on earth. if we weren't ruining the earth it would have killed us all. but this is also it's way of healing

the room has a calm chatter of passing conversation. each it's own world of curiosity. their voices to call and smooth some deep. deepening with every expression giving the conversation life. the room still but lively. silent in it's own funny way. but not in an eerie way, no. it's more like a pub filled with happy people that finally caught a break. it's warm in feeling but my heart keeps ruining everything. i can control emoticons, not that i want to, no it does it's by it's self. it makes people feel how i feel. kinda like an ever-growing black hole, of whatever im feeling. but i don't take the opposite of what im feeling. no it's more like i change their emotions to however im feeling. this can have devastating affect. and it's stronger when im under influence of a high of any kind. even if im high on my own suffering it is a high still. even as i write this, trying to calm my soul. it only grows heaver digging holes under my eyes. trying desperately to stay awake afraid of the nightmares it only makes me

i have enough hair for you to not see my eyes but not enough hair for my eyes not to see you

stock piling love for when i fall. when i feel like the edge is closer than my goals i look to my pile of love. every little letter heals my heart, making me pour the sadness out of my hands. take my love please. i need to let go of this all before i jump. the edge is close but your arms are closer. i could fall and never come back or fall in your arms and stay forever. so i thank my pile of love. my stock pile of love.

the light through the window mellow and null. the backdrop cold and rough. both unbearable but never better. the most still and the calmest part of me i let go. hold onto the pain let go of doubt. and be in a world without. what do i do when im not found, in a whole world left round.

*crazy laughing* *soft crying* *reaches for coffee* *falls down* *cries louder*

the sensation is small and warm. stimuli of nerves trickling making me bleed down my neck from the ears. it's slow gaining traction down my curves and making me melt under it's touch. losing all my senses and destroying myself with a passion i weep and hear nothing.

when i was younger i would've loved this. when im older ill love that. why not now? live in the moment. your the youngest you'll ever be and the oldest at the same time. the present id beautiful, don't be afraid to be yourself because. 'im too old' 'im to young' if your not getting hurt and neither is anyone else who gives a fuck? just go for it! live life to the fullest!

crying as i listen to songs that remind me of you. weeping my tears each a sorry for all i've done. but i can't say sorry enough still. i could spend my whole life saying sorry and it would never be enough. ive put the shackles on myself and the view has me prisoner. but i loved it and was unaware that i had sealed my fate. like as dickens says, "it was the worst of times, it was the best of times" or something like that... well my point is that i loved it but it barged me down farther than it lifted me and i was flying. fuck im so pathetic im even making Shota worry... hes begging me not to do anything. but... they taunt me, getting rid of the pain would be so easy... but i would hurt him and i don't want that... 

 my vision is getting blurry and having a layer of grey making it look fuzzy and dull. my body numb and hard to feel at all. my mind blank as i try to keep pace with the night and my lies. my heart heavy wearing holes in my chest. my head ringing and my body forcing me awake every-time i get to comfortable i jolt up in panic. i don't know what im fearing but it's close...