First of all, let me make clear that I'm talking about my personal religious views and yes, they will come across as sort of against religion because that's how I feel about it right now. I don't mean to offend anyone, I think everyone is entitled to believe whatever they want and it's in nobody's place to tell them to do otherwise.  I respect all religions, all personal beliefs and I understand they're very important. I will always be pro religious freedom regardless of what I personally believe in.

This is me going to be talking about how I've started feeling about my religion recently and how effing confused I am because I don't know.

I don't recommended reading this chapter if you're religious because I wouldn't have liked reading something like this back when I was religious.
Also, I won't be proofreading this and I have a feeling it will be very destructured so sorry.

Now that this out of the way, let me explain.

I've grown up as a very religious person and my social and political views have changed greatly over time but I never even questioned religion. Like ever.

Sure there were days when I had my doubts but never ever even did I ponder the question that hey, maybe it isn't real?

It's the only one thing that I've always been 100% sure about, and losing it is killing me. It has always given me this sense of clarity. That oh this is the purpose of our existence and this is what will happen after we die.

And that always made me feel so much at peace. Like I know what's going on and everything has meaning and no matter what happens in this life, everyone will get justice after death. In the next life.

The very first time I started doubting religion was when I heard that anyone who hears the message of my religion and denies it, is doomed to hell.

And they say it so casually. I couldn't believe it. No, my religion couldn't have said that but I looked it up and it was true.

I was heartbroken, this couldn't have been right and it wasn't, it isn't right but that's just what it said. These words are literally written in our religious scripture.

I refused to believe that. I told myself I know so many good people who are atheists and who follow different religions. How can they all be doomed to hell? Is God going to ignore all of the good things they've done?

But I didn't ponder much on that either. We're always told to not question things, to have blind faith because hey isn't that the point of religion? God knows best, don't think about it.

So yeah I let it slide. Then many years later, I discovered homosexuality was forbidden in my religion and that didn't bum me a lot because again, God knows best.

Then, I looked up about it, I came across Muslims who weren't homophobic. I had friends come out and I refused to believe that all of these people are going to hell.

I, like many other Muslims who aren't homophobic, found a loophole. Our religion emphasized so much on tolerance and respect therefore we can respect people who are doing something that's forbidden in our religion. Didn't change the fact that we still considered it a sin.

I didn't once think, hey but what about gay muslims? Your sexuality doesn't depend on your religion. Would I still respect those people? Would these other non-homophobic Muslims respect them? How are we calling ourselves non-homophobic when we're literally considering homosexuality a sin?

This was the main thing that really really got me doubting religion. If God made homosexuality a sin, then how are people even of different sexualities? Sexual/romantic attractions are natural things, meaning God made them. That bothered me but it didn't effect me in any way so I decided as long as I was being respectful to other people, it was okay. I let it slide again.

One thing that kept bothering me again and again and got sooo hard to ignore was the underlying misogyny in my religion. People could explain it, try to justify it and I'd accept it for the time-being but in my heart of hearts, I knew it wasn't right.

So much of victim-blaming, slut-shaming, homophobia and misogyny from Muslims stems from our religious views. We can find loopholes, say it's being misinterpreted, whatever. The truth is, it's there and I'm tired of pretending it isn't. I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm tired of not thinking and dismissing everything with God knows best.

If you've known me for a long time, you'd know how I've always been so defensive of my religion, how I've loved it so much, how it has always been my sanity.

Yes, there are reassuring parts but the question I keep asking myself is, are they really worth all the other parts that are the opposite? Is all of the hate that stems from religion worth it?

It feels so selfish to hold on to the reassuring parts for my sanity and peace of mind but then find loopholes to not be homophobic and sexist.

How can God, Someone who's so merciful, the One that literally created love, perpetuate these beliefs?

But I don't understand how I could live without religion. I've lost so much of my faith and it's killing me. The idea of death is terrifying. The realization that someone isn't watching over me and protecting me always is heartbreaking. The idea that  I'll never see the people I love again after I die is devastating.

And then I think what if it's because I'm a bad person? What if God just doesn't see me worthy of believing in the truth anymore? That breaks my heart so much. I don't want to burn in hell for eternity, I don't want to disappoint Him, I don't want to lose all of my faith.

I try to believe again. I try so hard but I feel nothing. I feel nothing when I pray. I was thinking so much about this last night and I don't think I've prayed for anything as desperately as I did to have my faith back and guess what? I still don't. How could He ignore me like this if He really did love me? If this was all real?

This is killing me right now but I don't know, maybe it turns out to be a good thing.

I refused to believe that everyone who doesn't believe in my religion or doesn't believe in God is doomed to hell. I refuse to believe that any sexuality is a sin. I refuse to believe that women should be compromising and men are better leaders.

I refuse to look for loopholes to be a good person. I refuse to have blind faith and not question things because if God didn't want me to do that, why did he give me the ability to think?

If He wanted me to blindly follow His word, why did he give me this moral compass that could identity the ehhh parts?

I kept thinking that I keep having all of these thoughts because I'm a bad person? Because I'm doomed to hell? But then I told myself to look at myself like I look at other people.

Do I think people will burn in hell because of their religious beliefs? No. So then why would I think that I deserve that?

I can tell right from wrong. I'm a good person. I can't hate people without knowing them or think anyone is doomed to eternal damnation because of their religious beliefs or lack thereof.

I don't need to check off all the boxes of a religious scripture to know that I'm a good person.

As of now, I'm pretty unsure about my religious beliefs but there's one thing I know: If God is really as Merciful as He says He is, I'm not going to burn in hell. I'm not going to burn in hell for letting go some prejudiced beliefs. I'm not going to hell for being a good person.

Sometimes I think, what if there's one God and then he sent out all these different religious scriptures and told people to follow them without doubt. But what if the real point is that you're not supposed to. You're supposed to question them, to do what you feel is right, to develop a real good moral compass and reject all the wrong things you've been conditioned to believe. What if that's the real test?

I mean think about it like this. People who do good things for the sake of making it to heaven are technically doing it for self gain. Now I'm not saying that's bad but  aren't atheists and agnostics who do good things, without expecting anything in return better in God's eyes? Wouldn't their actions have a higher moral value?

And in the end, we're all going to make it to heaven, regardless of what we believed in. Because God loves everyone.

(I mean except for all the rapists, terrorists and pedophiles and truly evil people)

I really hope it's like that.