So this is going to be kinda messy and I'm probably gonna delete this later but whatever. I just really need to vent and for some reason, I feel like doing it here.

So I dropped out of school recently cos I have financial probs and my parents think my school's education sucks anyway.

Honestly I thought it wouldn't be so bad, I thought I'd still have my friends and maybe I could even study more efficiently and be more productive.

Well, I was wrong, it's been nothing like that. I have been in a terrible mental place for months and school was the best distraction, honestly. We had laid-back teachers this year and it was kinda fun. I was close to a lot of people. This school year was really my favorite if I'm being honest.
I was also doing pretty well academically.

I'm bad at coping with abrupt changes and I'm afraid there are going to be more. I get emotionally attached to people really fast and I had such great friends and falling out with them so quickly is just really depressing. It hits me really hard some days and I guess today's one of them. We said we'd talk, we said we'd text, we said we'd hang out but we just don't anymore. Like not at all. Plus, nothing would have been the same as seeing someone on a daily basis anyway. I just miss them so much and it sucks that things are never going to be the same anymore.

So there's that and homeschooling is  not my thing. I have really bad self discipline and no motivation to do anything because I feel like shit all the time.

I just feel like I can't do anything anymore? Like I'm stuck?

I haven't written in ages. I don't know, everything I write now just feels cringey and forced. It's never been like that. Writing was always therapeutic for me and it sucks that it's not anymore and I'm losing one thing that I was really proud of.

I feel like a real incompetent piece of shit all the time and like I'm constantly letting down the people around me as much as I'm letting down myself.

I'm failing in every way there is to fail
and everything I used to enjoy and be good at has lost meaning for me. The only time I feel something other than this is when I think about the future, about how I'm not doing anything at all to make sure it's a good one and I'm so afraid that it's going to suck. It's like this feeling of impending doom.

My parents believe so much in me and I don't even a little bit. Sometimes I wish they'd stop because I feel like I'm going to bring them nothing but disappointment and then they're going to feel about me like how I feel about myself.

I'm stuck in this perpetual state of disappointment, sadness and anxiety and I don't even have the energy to do anything about it. I'm the most relaxed when I'm distracting myself with meaningless things but it all does come back eventually and hits even harder.

I feel like I'm wasting everyday and just going through it, not doing anything that means anything. Like reading a book really fast without taking anything in.

I just want to stop feeling like this and I don't know how