Warning: Explicit Content

Chapter 41
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Pablo Bello might have tainted the way I used to perceive writing, but he also taught me that writing only for yourself isn't really always possible—that sometimes, you really write for other people. You weave threads of storytelling to make sure that someone can be fully clothed with hope and love in their life.

Tinuruan n'ya ako kung paano magmahal ng kapwa ko manunulat. Hindi sila kalaban. Hindi rin sila ang dahilan kung bakit ako nalulugmok kung minsan—the greatest enemy that I have to battle is myself, it has always been my own ego, my own wounds, and my own weaknesses that makes me stumble and fall when it comes to writing. Hindi kailanman dahil sa panulat ng ibang tao. At kung dahil man sa ibang manunulat ang dahilan kung bakit ako hindi makapagsulat. . .the writer in me would have harbored hate for myself because I couldn't fight back. Kaya hindi ko 'yon hahayaan. I won't let anyone stop me from writing—the only person that's allowed to say that I couldn't write anymore is myself.

Pumayag si Rien na makipagkita. I announced it as soon as I got his signal. Mineth's lips pulled apart and she looked at me, her eyes widened in bewilderment. Alam ko naman na hindi na talaga nagpaparamdam si Rien sa amin; maybe he was always like that, nakisama lang siya dahil sa script.

"Mame-meet ko si tocrescent?" ganadong tanong ni Pearl Ivy, agad n'yang pinalis ang mga luha sa kan'yang mata.

"Uh, yung editor n'ya lang," I wryly smiled. "Pero huwag ka mag-alala, dahil close na close yung dalawang yun."

May hiniling sa akin si Rien, na kung p'wede na huwag siyang ipapakilala bilang tocrescent. Maybe he really wasn't the type to flaunt his name, kahit noon pa man ay parang wala siyang interes sa tao.

"Okay na po 'yon!" Pearl Ivy squealed, her eyes twinkling as she almost leaped out of the sofa. "Ang mahalaga ay malaman ko kung totoo bang ayaw n'ya sa akin."

"Why does it matter?" Lumingon si Mineth sa kan'ya, her eyebrows furrowed. "Kung gusto ka ni tocrescent o hindi?"

Lumamlam muli ang mga mata ni Pearl Ivy, she fidgeted her fingers and bit her lower lip as she thought it through. Parang nasa dulo ng dila n'ya ang sagot sa tanong ni Mineth, it was as if she's deliberating whether it was a good decision to tell her or not.

"Hindi kasi ako sanay na may taong galit sa akin, o may ayaw," sagot ni Pearl Ivy. "Alam mo n'yo po ba 'yon? Like, kaya nga ako nagsulat dahil gusto ko magkaroon ng mga taong magugustuhan ako hindi lang bilang si Ivy, pero hindi ko alam kung bakit may mga taong may ayaw sa akin, ang iba pa sa kanila ay hindi ko naman kilala o kailanman ay hindi ko nakausap."

"Pero hindi naman maiiwasan ang mga taong may ayaw sa 'yo, lalo na sa larangan ng pagsusulat," Mineth said. "People don't necessarily hate you, it's just they don't prefer your writing. Pero hindi rin naman ibig sabihin n'on ay hindi ka na magaling, o marunong man lang. Parang binibentang sabon lang 'yan."

"Paano naman napunta sa sabon?" I looked at Mineth, curious for her answer.

Mineth shrugged. "Some prefer brand X over Y. Magiging masama lang naman ang preference kung pinipilit ng mga tao na mas maganda ang brand X sa mga taong gumagamit ng brand Y."

Tumango-tango ako dahil nakuha ko ang punto n'ya. Entitlement surged over readers when they assert dominance over their own preference to other readers. Doon lang naman nagkakaroon ng mali eh.

You can't enforce your preference when all it does is diminish the right of others to enjoy, feel, and love someone else's writing.

"Besides, this isn't politics or war," dagdag ko sa sinabi ni Mineth. "You don't have to pick sides when it comes to reading."

Nagningning ang mga mata ni Pearl Ivy, na para bang nabuhayan siya sa mga sinabi namin ni Mineth.

Mineth cleared her throat and looked at Ivy. "Pero. . .as writers, we also have to be mindful of what we write. Kung paano ba ito makakaapekto sa ibang tao. I know we are free to write whatever we want but our freedom ends if it harms someone in a way."

Unti-unti na namang bumagsak ang balikat ni Ivy. She was young when she wrote her first series. Kung iisipin nga ay malayo sa kurso n'ya ang pinili n'yang landas. She's in the field of allied health, kaya naman alam ko sa sarili ko na mamimili siya sa mga susunod na taon kung anong mas mahalaga sa kan'ya—ang pagsusulat o ang trabaho na naka-aligned sa kan'yang course.

You can't serve two masters at once. Mamimili talaga siya alinman sa dalawang 'yon ang mas magiging matimbang. I was fortunate enough to follow my calling, kahit pa minsan ay kapos din talaga ang sinasahod ko.

Buti na lang talaga na nagkaroon ako ng boyfriend card—si Kiran na bumubusangot agad kapag nilalabas ko ang wallet ko. Siya pa ang nagtatampo kapag binayaran ko na agad yung binili ko.

"I know that. . .my works are for public consumption so. . .it is meant to be interpreted differently by different people," mahinang usal ni Pearl Ivy. "I just know my story, my characters, and how I struggled to write them so it hurts when people mock them or purposely hate them to spite me."

Tumawa nang malakas si Mineth at sarkastikong bumaling ng tingin kay Pearl Ivy. "Girl, trust me. Wala silang pakialam dahil di naman sila nagsusulat. They're not writers—so how can they empathize with you? Even artworks are meant to be interpreted differently but when it gets hated for no particular reason—doesn't it hurt the artist as well? Sobrang hipokrita ng mga 'yan kasi di naman sila yung nasa posisyon mo."

"You also have to seperate yourself from your characters, kahit na sabihin pa nating may parte sila na galing sa 'yo," I advised and gently placed a hand on her shoulder. "As much as you want to resonate with your characters, at the end of the day—they're not you."

Nakakamanhid maging isang manglilikha. You gradually lose all the sensitiveness you had when you started, it was what I've learned as I partake more years as a writer. Ang mga bagay na akala ko gigibain ako noon ay halos lagpasan ko na lang ngayon ng tingin, o hindi ko na talaga pinapansin. What's the use of absorbing their words? Wala naman itong naitulong sa akin. I would only accept criticism that won't look like a witch hunt in the making for me.

"Alam kong cliché, at di madaling gawin pero huwag mo na lang pansinin. . ." I said to Ivy and smiled sadly. "People may hate you or your works but there are people who will love you, and your works too. Focus on those who love you, even when it's hard to ignore, or silence those who insert doubt, hate, and fear into your journey as a writer."

Pearl Ivy smiled, but I knew that smile all too well. I knew that behind it, she was determined to quit writing because it took the only thing that truly matter—herself. Mahirap kapag humaharap ka sa salamin tapos naaalala mo lang ang mga salitang ipinipinta o binibintang ng mga tao sa 'yo. . .if you're not grounded to who you really are—you might lose yourself in the process.

Mineth let out an exhausted sighed, it was as if it came from the end of her lungs. Lumingon naman ako sa kan'ya at napailing.

"Mahirap naman maging writer, mahirap na yung industriya natin," mahinang sambit ko sa kanila. "Kaya kung magiging salbahe ka rin sa sarili mo. . .who gets to comfort you? Who's the remaining person who could be kind to you?"

When I said the biggest battle I've fought as a writer was between me and myself, it was the harsh truth. No one has ever been more harsh than myself. I was the one who went inside an arena full of people who were willing to hurt me without blinking twice. I thought if I can withstand everything from that situation then maybe I would learn a lot from it. I would be able to bleed and write. It was my choice to put myself out there.

And I have the right to also walk away from it.

She looked down once again. Her face, full of shame, regret, and disdain. Halu-halo ang nararamdaman n'ya ngayon. Ngumiti lang ako sa kan'ya.

"The hate was too much. . ." she murmured. "Nagigising ako, palaging kabado na baka may post na naman sila tungkol sa akin. I couldn't confront them because they might think I'm looking for a fight. Kapag nanahimik naman ako, maghahanap sila ng mga mali sa storyang sinulat ko bilang past time. Worst of all, they would constantly compare me to tocrescent as if to make me appear small and easy to step on."

"It seemed like a price to pay when you're relevant," Mineth shrugged off and stood to go near Pearl Ivy, huminto siya sa harap nito.. "Kadalasan kasi ay hindi na naiisip ng ibang mambabasa na totoong tao rin kayo. Hindi nga kayo artista eh. Walang PR Team ang mga tulad n'yo, at wala rin naman kayong training pagdating sa mga gan'yan. No one gets trained to get hated, honestly."

"So, what now?" her voice croaked.

"What do you mean?"

"Hahayaan ko na lang? Hindi ko alam paano 'yon? I want to release this pain. . .but I don't want to write about it," naiiyak n'yang saad. "Because if I write it down, then everything becomes forever. This pain? It will haunt me as long as it exists." 

There was this long dreadful silence between us. Maybe because we knew how torn she was between capitalizing over her own pain and letting go of the situation she went through.

Most of the time, we think pain should be transformative; we think something so bad that it almost ruined us should mold us into better individuals. Pero hindi eh. . . .sometimes pain is just something we feel. It can leave us feeling fragmented, bloodless, and oppressed. Sometimes finding the silver lining in a situation that shatters us can leave us feeling guilty when we couldn't even find a trace of gold amidst the ashes of what happened.

"You don't have to. . .I know that our emotions can be helpful when it comes to writing. . .but sometimes the pain we felt, is only for us to keep. Hindi na kailangan iparanas pa ulit sa iba," I said.

I could see myself from her. Years ago, I knew that writing was something that took away my liberty to feel without writing it down. I thought every scene, word, and character needed to be derived from what I was currently going through or what I went through—I thought it would be wonderful to always go through a catharsis. Yet now, it's easier to let go than to write something that I would have to remember from time to time.

Kaya siguro hindi ko na kaya balikan ang una kong script. I needed to rewrite it, to create new scenes, and to meet new characters.

It took hours before Pearl Ivy finally calmed down. Parang inaraw-araw n'ya kami sa paghingi ng advice at pagkausap sa amin tungkol sa pagsusulat. Mineth, despite her short temper, assisted her with everything.

"Bata pa kasi siya 'no? Kaya parang mamon pa ang puso," sabi ni Mineth nang umuwi na si Ivy at naiwan kaming dalawa sa opisina.

"Hindi naman. . .maybe she's still not grounded on who she really is," sabi ko kay Mineth. "Mahirap ang sitwasyon n'ya dahil parang kailangan lahat ng tao ay magugustuhan siya. She made it seem like people's approval is her core reason for writing."

I would be a hypocrite if I didn't say that I didn't like it if people were into my writing. Pero hindi naman talaga maiiwasan na may mga taong may ayaw sa sinusulat ko. It gradually faded, like the mist evaporating after a kettle's heat finally settled down. I didn't need someone's eyes to see the beauty of my words. I didn't need people's approval and validation for my art to become something valuable in my eyes.

Matapos namin magligpit ay nagyaya na umuwi sina Mineth. Pinauna ko na siya dahil magkikita pa kaming dalawa ni Kiran. Bumusangot agad si Mineth nang marinig ang pangalan ni Kiran mula sa bibig ko.

"Sinosolo ka na talaga n'yan!" reklamo n'ya sa akin. "Pakiramdam ko ay hinihintay ka lang n'ya lumambot pa para bigla na lang siyang magp-propose!"

"Hindi naman," halakhak ko sa kan'ya. "We missed each other. Ang tagal bago kami nagkabalikan. Saka, gano'n lang talaga si Kiran. He likes to give his time whenever he's free."

Kapag pahinga na n'ya, mas gugustuhin n'ya pang guluhin ako kaysa matulog o di kaya ay magpahinga na lang. I would find it absurd, but then the thought slowly lingered. . .he wanted his time with me. Bawat segundo ay mas gugustuhin n'yang ako ang kasama. And it made me smile because I have never felt being needed that way.

Siya lang ang nagparamdam sa akin n'on. 

I like how subtle the night becomes after the clock hits 5 p.m., para bang lahat ng ingay ay unti-unting naglalaho. Even the roaring engines of the cars who can't wait to get home are muted once it reaches my ears. Unti-unting pumatak ang ulan kaya naman napatingala ako. Ang hirap mag-commute kapag ganito. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that Kiran would come to get me. I was trying to distinguish if it would turn into a heavy rain but I can't even hear the drizzle of the rain from above me.

"Nacia."

And truly only his voice mattered.

Lumingon ako kay Kiran. His head was tilted a bit as he closed the umbrella and gradually went near me. Inayos n'ya ang buhok n'yang natuluan ng kaunting ulan.

"Matagal ka bang naghintay?" nagaalalang tanong n'ya.

"Hindi naman," I smiled at him and slowly faced him. "Sakto lang ang dating mo."

Sa parking pa lang ay marami na kaming pinagusapan ni Kiran. It was funny because some of our stories are just recycled but no one points it out. Para bang palaging unang beses naming pag-usapan ang mga bagay-bagay kapag kaming dalawa ang magkausap.

"Our family is currently under hot water," sabi ni Kiran bago ako pagbuksan ng pintuan ng kotse.

I went inside and waited for him to sit on the driver's seat; when he finally settled himself on his seat, he continued his story.

"May bata kasing nadamay sa nasunog na for demolition na property," sabi ni Kiran at binuksan ang makina. "Ang nakakalungkot lang ay nababalitang sinadya yung sunog."

My lips parted upon hearing the news. It was familiar. . .parang narinig ko na ang balita na ito?

"It wasn't my father per se, hindi naman siya ang kakilala ng may-ari nung property, pero isa siya sa mga nakikitang pinagtatakpan yung pangyayari. It was as if he's trying to erase the fact that an innocent individual was involved in such a greedy case," he sighed as he maneuvered the steering wheel. "Hindi ko alam kung paano makakatulong dahil mukhang galit ang buong pamilya nila sa amin."

"It's hard to carry such misplaced guilt, Kiran," sabi ko sa kan'ya. I wanted to comfort him because the weight must have been so heavy on him.

"Hindi naman. . ." his eyebrows furrowed. "I want to help with the case but it isn't my lane. Heck, ang layo ng inaral ko para makatulong. Pero balak ko sana. . .gumawa ng mga dokumentaryo tungkol sa mga sitwasyon na pilit tinatago ng gobyerno natin."

"Isn't that risky?" I asked, the worry in my voice was evident. "Marami kang mababangga."

"If I need to use my platform to help those who are silenced by the oppressors, I don't mind having to face possible threats," his head slightly tilted to face me. "After all, lumaki na rin naman akong palaging pinagbabantaan ang buhay—at buhay pa naman ako hanggang ngayon."

"Loko," I punched his arm but it was a weak attempt to make him stop thinking that way.

Natawa siya nang bahagya at umiling-iling. "I want to die. . .before you, Nacia."

"What?" My lips quivered.

"Hindi ko kaya kung sakaling ikaw yung mauuna. . .I know, it must be so selfish to wish that I have to go first before you, but you're stronger than me. . ." mahinang sambit n'ya sa akin. "When you left, I spiralled down. Pero ikaw? Ang gaganda pa ng mga nasulat mong storya nung nagkahiwalay tayo."

My cheeks tinted pink. "Binasa mo pala talaga ang mga sinulat ko."

Ngumisi siya. "Oo nga. Wala bang part two yung pool scene?"

Ah, that scene again!

"Tumigil ka nga!" nahihiyang sambit ko at ngumuso. "Paano magkaka-part two, di ka naman na nagyayaya sa akin?"

His chinky eyes widened a bit. Halata sa kan'yang mukha na nagulat siya sa sinabi ko. But it was the truth! Bukod sa kiss. . .he never really went overboard. So, anong isusulat ko, 'di ba? He should give me something to write about, then!

"What?"

"Di ka naman nanghahawak ng boobs o di kaya nagyayaya mag-french kiss sa sasakyan, sa pool, o kahit sa kama, anong isusulat ko, Kiran?" frustrated kong sabi sa kan'ya.

"Sorry naman?" nagaalangan na sabi ni Kiran, his face showed how he was taken aback by my reaction. He moistened his lower lip before releasing a crispy laughter.

"Gusto mong may part two pero yung huling beses na binastos mo ako ay years ago pa," sumbong ko at unti-unting sumama ang tingin ko sa kan'ya.

"Sorry na nga. . ." Humalakhak pa siya ulit!

"Iki-kiss mo ako, smack lang," naiiritang sabi ko.

Lalong naging matunog ang tawa ni Kiran. Akala n'ya yata ay nakikipagbiruan pa ako sa kan'ya!

"Teka lang, Nacia," he bursted in laughter. "Is this an invitation or what?"

"Ang sinasabi ko lang ay ikaw ang kadalasan kong inspiration sa mga ganong bagay pero hindi ka nakaka-inspired lately," direktang sabi ko sa kan'ya. Kiss lang? Anong gagawin ko sa kiss n'ya?!

His lips pursed, he tilted his head towards my direction once more before he spoke smoothly.

"So, you want it too?" mahinang sambit n'ya. "Because the only reason I'm not doing anything yet is because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

Napanguso ako. "I mean. . .it's your dream to become a father of five."

"Hindi ko naman ipipilit sa 'yo 'yon," sagot n'ya sa akin. "It's just a dream for a reason."

"Pwede bang dalawang anak?" Lumingon ako sa kan'ya. Sa tingin ko naman ay dalawa, isang babae at isang lalaki, ang kaya naming buhayin. Hindi kami maghihikahos na itaguyod yung dalawang anak.

"Grabe? Kambal agad yung gusto mo sa unang try?" Halakhak ni Kiran. "Sabik ka sa akin ah."

"Yeah. . .a bit," I admitted without breaking eye contact. He was the first one to look away.

Kiran's lips are tightly sealed. Para bang hindi n'ya alam ang isasagot sa sinabi ko sa kan'ya. Nanatiling nasa daan ang kan'yang mga mata.

"I want to build a family with you," sabi ko sa kan'ya. "I know that both of us didn't have the ideal family or the perfect upbringing. . .but maybe we can give ourselves a chance? To prove that we are not like the family that we've come from?"

I don't want to be defined by the family that raised me. I don't want to be stuck with the situation that hurt me. I don't want to be nailed to the old version of Nacia. I want to give myself the chance to see how much more I can grow and how far I could come. Even if it means having to let go of the things that used to bind me to who I was.

My thoughts were always sprayed across the rooms, painted on the walls in invisible ink, and it flew on my head as if it's waiting for me to write it or type it. Palaging maingay ang paligid ko, tumatahimik lang ito kapag nagsusulat na ako o kaya kapag hinahayaan kong lumipas ang oras.

I have always felt like everything around me was pure noise. Yet, Kiran's voice managed to slice through it and make me attentively listen to him. Nagulat ako nang unti-unting hinawakan n'ya ang kamay ko. His huge hand firmly held mine, with conviction and softness at the same time.

"Nacia. . ." he said in a small voice. "My dream really isn't about making a new generation of my kin, but it was building a family that I could call my home. . .so thank you, for making it come true. You are the only home. . .that felt safe to me."

Napangiti naman ako. He was my shelter too; he was the only one who never made me feel that I wasn't enough, that my dreams weren't selfish, and pursuing my life-long passion isn't something that I should be ashamed of.

It was the moment I knew. . .he was the one for me. He wasn't just a good boyfriend. I knew that he'd be a great husband—and even a greater father to our future children.

I knew he wasn't lying when he told me that the only reason he wasn't initiating anything was because he thought I wasn't comfortable with the idea—which was odd since I thought it was practically written all over my face that I wanted him inside me, both figuratively and specifically.

As soon as we were on the lift of his condo, we were both kissing each other with great passion. This kiss was beyond the usual smack, the shy ones given before he goes back to his set, or the ones I've received before I go back to work.

His tongue managed to mark territories inside my mouth, his touch was both deliberate and gentle. Tumitig siya sa akin bago pa man magpatuloy.

"You're really. . .worth everything, Nacia," he breathlessly said.

The whole elevator ride was almost filled with our earthly breaths until Kiran had to pull me off from the lift and we proceeded to his unit. Humagikhik pa ako nang makitang nagmamadaling maghanap ng keycard si Kiran. He was panicking based on his face.

"Hindi mo ba makita yung keycard?" I teased as I looked at him struggling to find the keycard on his small wallet. "Uuwi na lang ako sa amin."

His eyes turned to slits as he tilted his head to face me. It was as if I scratched a cat purposely because he looked so annoyed. Lalo akong natawa dahil sa ekspresyon n'ya.

"Not today, Nacia," he uttered as soon as the door opened. "Not today."
 
He pulled me for another kiss and I melted in his arms. The longing that he had in each kiss made me close my eyes unconsciously, each kiss tasted like honey and cherry combined. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders for support as we deepened our kisses.

He was eager and desperate to have me because as soon as we went  inside, I felt like he didn't even care if we broke a thing or two. Patuloy lang siya sa paghalik sa akin, unti-unti siyang umupo sa sofa. I fell on his chest because of it and I felt his hands slowly roaming around my body.

His hands deliberately went inside my shirt and I had to stifle a moan when I felt it cupping my breast. He slowly removed my top, until it reached my bra.

"Fuck," Kiran had to stop kissing me and gently nipped my skin. "You're so hot."

My cheeks felt warmed when I felt his fingers slowly removing the cloth that used to cover me. I writhed in his arms. I felt his finger finding my core. I can feel his thumb rubbing against my womanhood which made me stifle another earthly breath.

"Can you just do it?" I asked as I felt showered in embarrassment. Hindi ba dapat iba ang pinapasok n'ya? Hindi daliri lang?

"It'll hurt," he said while he continued to feathered kisses on my neck. "Kung papasok ko agad."

"Gano'n ba 'yon?"

"Yeah. . ."

"Oh, thank goodness, s-sinabi mo. . .because what if I write a scene like this prior to doing it? It'll look like the man wasn't considerate of the woman's needs," I said, trying to distract myself from my own arousal.

"Ang daldal talaga. . ." Kiran sexily chuckled as he kissed me more.

I could feel myself being soaked and wet as his finger slowly went inside which made my vision hazed as soon as it deeply touched my womanhood. My body arched because I could feel that I was completely controlled by his touch.

"Ang l-layo ng kama," I said as I felt his finger slowly plunging out of me.

"Sa sahig na lang?" biro ni Kiran.

My cheeks reddened. Oh my god, my first time on a floor?!

Natawa si Kiran nang makita yung reaksyon ko. Nangunot ang noo ko sa kan'ya.

"P'wede ba 'yon?! Sa sahig?! Hindi ba tayo lamigin dahil sa tiles?" tanong ko sa kan'ya kaya naman bumunghalit siya ng tawa.

"My innocent baby," he uttered and kissed me once more. "Mahal na mahal kita."

He lifted me and slowly trudged towards his room, where his queen sized bed was located. He gently placed me on it and started to kiss me while spreading my legs apart. I thought he would finally do it but my gripped on his sheets tightened when I felt his tongue inside me, both sucking and licking what's left of my sanity.

In my blurred vision, I saw him looking at me. His eyes were taking a good look at my exhaustion as he lifted his shirt using one hand to remove it. His body. . .napapikit na lang ako. Ngayon ko lang napagtantuan na kanina pa ako hubad pero siya ay ngayon lang. . .maybe it was for the better because I was slowly spiralling down and aching to be touch by him now that I saw him as bare as me.

I heard the bedside drawer slowly being opened, the wood sliding against another wood. A tiny packet of foil made me exhale as soon as he brought it to his mouth. The edge of the foil was deliberately ripped using his teeth. He slowly rolled it down on his length which made me blush.

Kakasya ba 'yan?

O p'wede pa kaya ako magsabi na next time na lang kapag feeling ko kakasya na?!

He positioned himself right at my core, and for some reason. . .I anticipated finally doing it with him. All the hesitations I had quickly dissolved.

"I love you. . .I'll remember every moment we have, Nacia," he said as he slowly thrusted inside me, as we shared heat between our bodies. "This means so much to me."