NOTE:
Hi :( Apologies for not updating for weeks. It wasn't because I didn't want to, I was busy with 💛 book during the weeks that I didn't update. Please bear with me for a little while.

Anw, 1-3 chapters + epilogue left!

Thank you for still reading!

____

Chapter 40
. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

When I read books, I usually smile at the sweet and romantic gestures, my feet would curl at the moments where the man was already looking at his lover. . .and it would feel like the butterflies in my stomach were finally released after years of being caged.

Yet, with Kiran, it was different.

I find tranquility despite the noise of the world. Hindi ko na nilabanan ang gulo, ang ingay, at ang balanse ng mundo. Hinayaan ko na ang sarili kong sumunod sa daloy at agos ng mga alaala naming dalawa. I would look at him and the world would finally. . .feel calm because I know that I wasn't alone anymore. The static noises would falter, the unwelcomed voices would turn quiet, and the only one that I could hear was him.

"Athanacia," he called and gently poked my cheeks. "Gising na, mahal."

My eyes slowly opened and his face was the first thing that I saw in the morning. Ang aga naman ng blessing sa akin ni Lord, at ang gwapo pa talaga!

Nakasandal lang siya sa may gilid, it was as if he was waiting for me to wake up. Nilalaro ang aking mga pilikmata, sinusundot ang aking pisngi, at pinipisil ang aking ilong. I would pout my lips in response and his gentle laughter would make me smile even if my eyes were still closed. Ganito ang umaga naming dalawa ni Kiran.

"B-bakit? Weekend. . .walang pasok," sabi ko at kinusot ang aking mga mata. I even looked at the wall clock, it was only 5 a.m. in the morning.

"But it's my day," his nose scrunched. "Gusto ko sagarin yung araw ko sa 'yo."

"One hour," pakiusap ko sa kan'ya. "Give me another one hour of sleep, tapos sige, simulan na natin 'tong araw mo."

His lips slowly pulled a big smile. Imbis na iwanan ako upang makatulog akong muli ay unti-unti siyang bumalik sa kama. He wrapped his arms around me, his warmth slowly transferring to my own skin. Humigpit ang yakap n'ya sa akin.

"The nights when you weren't in my arms were my personal hell," sabi n'ya at hinalikan ang tuktok ng aking ulo. "In Dante's Inferno, the lowest layer of hell was the coldest place. . .and I believed it as soon as you were not here anymore. My world froze when I wasn't with you. It was the lowest point of my life."

Nilalabanan ko ang antok ko dahil ang hilig ni Kiran na kwentuhan ako ng kung anu-ano kapag nasa higaan kami. Para siyang podcast, sa totoo lang. Yet, I find his voice truly comforting because it felt like he wanted me to know that I can sleep at peace knowing he'll always be by my side. 

I must have saved the world in my past life to truly be loved by someone like him. Sa lahat ng pasakit sa akin ng mundo, siya ang tanging ginhawa ko.

"Nacia ko," malambing na pinatakan ni Kiran ng halik ang aking braso. My shoulder blades felt ease as I slowly opened my eyes.

"8 a.m. na," excited n'yang pahayag. "Two hours ka na nakatulog. P'wede na ba natin simula yung araw ko?"

Natawa ako. "Para namang hindi buo ang araw mo kung di mo ako makakasama. . ."

My weekends are solely his, madalas din siyang humingi ng pahinga mula sa pagd-direct ng mga documentaries para sa isang sikat na station. Doon ko napagtantuan na hindi nga madaling gumawa ng pelikula. Not all directors can put out a featured film each year, mahirap din kasi makahanap ng mga producers para rito. Isa pa, nababalitang Sa MMFF yata gustong ipasok ang Act Off Script na pelikula dahil pasok ito sa mga qualifications.

"Hindi naman talaga," he sighed against my skin. "I badly want to live with you, Nacia. I feel like the only days that I look forward to are the weekends because I get to spend most of the time with you."

"Alam mo namang naga-aral pa si Tonton," sabi ko sa kan'ya. Swerte lang talaga ako na pumapayag si Mineth na doon nakikitira si Tonton. Pakiramdam ko nga ay lalo itong lumulusog dahil ayaw ni Mineth na nalilipasan ng gutom ang kapatid ko.

"Then after he graduates highschool, maybe we can move out? Tayong tatlo sa iisang bahay?" yakag ni Kiran. "Tapos yung tatlong anak natin."

I laughed, unti-unti akong humarap sa kan'ya. We were finally meeting each other's gaze, doon ko napagtantuan na halos leeg lang n'ya ang abot ko kahit bahagya na siyang bumaba para lumebel sa akin.

"Kaya mong iwan 'tong condo mo? You built memories here," sabi ko sa kan'ya. "May mga alaala ka na baka maiwan dito kung sakaling titira tayo sa iisang bahay."

The thought overwhelmed me. Gustuhin ko man tumira sa iisang bahay kasama siya, alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi pa p'wede. Mineth can't handle the bills alone for our shared condo, ayoko naman iwan siya sa ere. Si Tonton naman ay naka-enroll malapit sa condominium na nirerentahan namin. As of now, the idea was off the table for me.

I know Kiran was still probably planning, pero ang mahirap kasi sa kan'ya ay para bang sigurado na siya agad sa mga plano n'ya. It was as if no one could change his mind about it.

"Yes," namamaos n'yang sagot sa akin. "I can leave everything behind so long as I can be with you."

My eyes rapidly blinked as the words slowly sank inside my chest. Iniisip ko kung gaano ba kalalim ang pagmamahal n'ya para sa akin para iwan n'ya ang lahat. . .para lang makasama ako.

So that's why it hurt him when I left him before, because he didn't even consider that idea in the first place. He never thought of leaving me even when difficult situations arise.

Tumikhim ako. "I'll just take a quick shower. . .tapos tara na? Mag-brunch tayo sa paborito mong cafe?"

"The one with the huge croissants?" He chuckled. "Ako ba talaga ang may paborito no'n? 'Cause I don't remember liking sweets that much, pero ikaw ang hilig mo sa matatamis. Pumupunta lang yata tayo roon para tikman lahat ng klase ng croissant nila."

My cheeks felt warm. Ilang beses kong binuka ang bibig ko upang itanggi 'yon pero napagtantuan ko na baka nga. . .ako nga talaga ang may gusto sa restaurant na 'yon. The pastries were okay, what I liked about it was that their croissants looked delicious! Masarap na rin naman pero medyo may kamahalan lang.

"Hindi kaya! I was always ordering the cream cheese garlic croissant," pagtanggi ko sa kan'ya at ngumuso.

He chuckled then placed his head on the nook of my neck. "Whatever you say, Nacia. Whatever you say."

In the end, I took a quick shower and decided to put on a flowy green dress that I had in Kiran's cabinet. May isang drawer doon na para sa akin. He insisted on getting one cabinet for me but I told him that it wasn't necessary. Ayoko rin kasing may mga gamit ako rito habang hindi pa naman talaga kami nagsasama.

The idea of living with him isn't bad, if I'm going to be honest. Gusto ko rin umuwi sa bahay kung saan may nagaabang sa akin, ang mga ilaw ay bukas na, at kung tahimik man ay may mga kaluskos pa rin ng taong mahalaga sa akin na dumadaan sa aking tainga. The comfort that Kiran brings is something that I would like to hold dearly.

When we got to the lift, panay ang kuha ni Kiran ng litrato sa akin. He was always like this, puno na nga yata ang gallery n'ya ng pagmumukha ko. Kung minsan ay may mga maiikli siyang clips naming dalawa.

"Kaunti na lang ay pagkakamalan ka na nilang vlogger," puna ko at ngumuso sa kan'ya.

Kiran likes to store memories; his hand gripped on his camera as if the only thing that matters to him was to capture every moment we had with each other. Minsan ay pinapasilip n'ya ito sa akin, kadalasan ay nahahawi lang ng mata ko ang pagkislap ng mga mata n'ya habang nakatitig sa camera na hawak n'ya.

"I don't like vlogging that much. . .but I like the idea that some people film their daily lives," sabi ni Kiran habang may pinipindot sa camera na hawak n'ya. "As if they're trying to make everyday as special as it can be."

"There are mundane days, hindi naman maiiwasan 'yon."

"But you can still film mundane days," he said and locked eye contact with me. "And treat it as if it's special."

Ngumiti ako at tumango. That's true, you don't have to reserve filming for special occasions, trips, or extravagant events; mundane days are worth capturing too. It's important to film difficult days, where even merely waking up is a battle you face—and even when everything feels like a blur at the moment, you still show up. It also shows appreciation, that even on days that make you dwell on why living is hard, you managed to keep moving forward. That, in itself, is worth looking back into even in short clips or a mere picture.

In conclusion, hindi ka pala mukhang tanga kung magpi-picture ka habang umiiyak. It's something that people do to remind themselves that they went through it and managed to overcome the situation. We all cope differently with pain, so as long as it doesn't harm anyone in the process, I don't think I have the right to say that they can't capture the moments that they had to cry it all out.

Hindi ko pa naman nasusubukan mag-picture habang umiiyak pero baka sa susunod. . .

"Nacia?" tawag ni Kiran sa atensyon ko.

Lumingon ako sa kan'ya. "Ah yes?"

"Malalim na naman iniisip mo," sabi ni Kiran at tinutok sa akin ang camera n'ya. "Most of your pictures here are just you staring into the wall. . .iniisip ko minsan kung nagiisip ka na ba ng bagong isusulat kapag natutulala ka."

I laughed and shook my head. "Hindi naman. Mahirap para sa akin ang mag-isip ng ideya, pero kadalasan ay sumusulpot siya kapag naglalakad ako o di kaya kapag umaandar ang sasakyan at nakasilip ako sa bintana. Minsan kung nakahinto man ako, may mga bagay kasi ako na nakita na p'wede kong isali sa mga sinusulat ko."

I like incorporating my life within the stories I've written. Madalas kapag hindi ko alam paano ipoproseso ang emosyon ko ay agad akong naghahanap ng papel o kung maswerte ay dala ko ang laptop ko, saka ko hahayaan ang mga salita na bumuhos sa blangkong papel o word file sa harap ko.

It doesn't have to be always concise, perfect, or deep. It just needs to be something that I can resonate with. Magmula nang makalaya ako sa mga gapos ni Sir Pablo Bello ay napatawad ko na rin ang sarili ko dahil hinayaan ko siyang takutin ako sa pagsusulat. I was always afraid that my stories were no longer mine; that one day, I no longer possessed the will to write stories that I can resonate with.

The trip was quick. We arrived at the Pastry Cafe that Kiran recommended. The chimes hummed a familiar sound as the coffee from the counter welcomed our nostrils. Sakto lang ang laki nito, pero isa sa mga gusto ni Kiran sa cafe na ito ay ang malaki nilang parking space. It's rare to find good cafes with good parking areas.

"Good morning! Table for?" the staff greeted, smiling warmly as his gaze focused on us. Halata na namumukhaan n'ya na kami.

Hindi pa naman kami madalas dito, hindi ko pa matawag ang sarili ko na suki nito dahil kung tutuusin ay hindi rin naman mura ang pagkain nila. We just like the ambiance here, the peacefulness and the smell of newly baked croissants.

"Two, please," Kiran answered as his hands gripped mine. "Thank you."

Sa aming dalawa, si Kiran palagi ang humahawak sa kamay ko. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa physical touch ang isa sa mga love languages n'ya o natatakot siyang maligaw kaya palagi siyang nakakapit sa akin. I wouldn't dare say that he's clingy. . .but sometimes I really want to ask Mineth if men are like this. Mukhang mahirap pala talaga kapag totoong tao na yung mga lalaki. . .sanay kasi akong gawa-gawa ko lang naman sila sa mga storyang sinusulat ko.

Kumuha muna kami nung mga croissants na gusto namin tikman nung nakaraang linggo. We only picked two, one was the biscoff-flavored and the other one was the peaches and cream. No'ng nakaraan kasi ay natikman na namin yung ibang mga flavor kaya naman ito naman ang titikman namin.

Kiran sat on the chair across mine. Palagi n'yang gusto na nakikita ang mukha ko, at paminsan-minsan ay kinukuhanan n'ya ako ng mga litrato. It wasn't even subtle, I could see how his hand would lift the camera and his eyes were set on the viewfinder, trying to frame my random moments and capture it. Kahit ang pagkagat ko ng pagkain ay hindi nakakatakas sa kan'ya.

"Mamaya isipin nilang artista ako," tumawa ako at umiling-iling. "Tama na ang pagkuha ng picture. Kumain ka na."

Ngumiti lang siya sa akin. He sliced one of the croissants into half and placed the bigger portion on my plate. Kinuha naman n'ya yung kalahati. Agad kong isinubo yung parte na hiniwa ko gamit ng tinidor. I heard a sudden click of a camera and saw Kiran smiling even when I was the one he was taking pictures of.

"Magsawa ka na nga," puna ko at bahagyang natawa.

Umiling-iling siya. "Hindi nakakasawa ang ganda mo."

I feel the tranquility of his words, his actions are always anchored to it. I never had to doubt if he loves me because he shows, he tells, and he makes me feel it.

We ordered some pasta but I was already too full from the croissants. Agad itong nakita ni Kiran kaya naman pinabalot n'ya ang natira naming pagkain. He also went to the pastry aisle to check on some croissants to bring home. Kadalasan kasi ay dumadaan pa kami kina Tonton upang bisitahin siya.

I took my phone out and decided to take a picture of Kiran. He was busy trying to put some bread on the tray, bahagyang kumukunot ang noo kapag pakiramdam n'ya ay masyadong mahigpit ang tongs sa mismong tinapay.

"Ma'am? Nacia?"

The voice came out almost in a hushed whisper. I tilted my head to see who called my name. Awtomatiko rin na kumunot ang noo ko dahil hindi ko pa nababanggit ang pangalan ko sa cafe na ito. Mas madalas na si Kiran ang nago-order kaya naman hindi ko alam kung alam n'ya ang pangalan ko.

Lumitaw ang ngiti sa kan'yang labi, he was wearing an apron. Halata na isa siya sa mga staff dito. May hawak siyang cellphone at unti-unting inabot sa akin.

"P'wede po ba magpa-picture sa 'yo?"

My eyes widened a fraction. Umangat ang daliri ko upang ituro ang aking sarili dahil sa gulat.

"Sa akin po? O pi-picture-an po kita?" nalilitong tanong ko sa kan'ya.

Nagkamot siya ng kan'yang ulo. "Sa inyo po sana eh. Sikat po kasi kayo sa social media. Kaya nga nang mapansin namin na madalas kayo rito ay pinaghahandaan namin kung paano hihingi ng permisyo na magpa-picture sa inyo."

Sikat? Ako?

I know that some know that I'm a writer, pero hindi naman kami tulad ng mga artista na mukha ang puhunan sa paglikha ng mga libro. Kaya nga hindi ko rin talaga alam na may makakakilala sa akin bilang si deepyawns. Hindi man tago ang pagkatao ko tulad ni tocrescent, hindi naman yata ako kasingsikat ni Pearl Ivy.

"Saan n'yo po ako nakilala?" tanong ko sa kan'ya, my eyebrows furrowed. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na may gustong magpa-picture sa akin.

I never really interacted with my readers. Hindi ko kasi alam kung paano magsisimula at mabilis akong mahiya kapag pinaguusapan ang mga sinulat kong kwento. Ang kadalasan ko lang na kausap tungkol dito ay si Mineth, dahil na rin siguro sa dahilan na siya ang editor ko. 

"Oo, dahil sa page n'yo po na naciasmemoir," sagot n'ya sa akin at agad na binuksan ang kan'yang cellphone upang may ipakita sa akin na page.

The page consisted of Kiran and I, puro larawan naming dalawa at nalula ako sa dami ng mga naka-follow. Hindi ko inaasahan ang halos kalahating milyon ang taong sumusubaybay sa aming dalawa. Sa bio ng mismong page ay nakalagay ang mga salitang 'loving nacia in time immemorial', which Kiran always tend to say.           

Sa sobrang kuryuso ko ay agad kong hinablot ang cellphone ng staff, I scrolled across the feed and saw my photos. . .na alam kong si Kiran ang likod sa mga larawan na ito. The pictures were various memories of us. Most of them are curated to show how my days are usually done when I'm with him.

There was a photo where my laughter was caught midair, a pose where I was eating a croissant, a picture where my hair was all tangled which made me pout, and the latest post from the page was a picture of me looking at a window where the sun basked on one side of my face.

Lahat ng mga larawan ay magaganda tingnan. Walang ni isang larawan ang gusto ko ipatanggal o di kaya ay ipabura. It was as if the random moments of my life was something that Kiran cherished wholeheartedly.

"Maraming kilala ka sa internet dahil sa mga post ng boyfriend mo," sabi nung staff at ngumiti. "Tapos ako, kahit wala akong jowa ngayon, kinikilig ako sa mga captions n'ya eh. Pakiramdam ko ay kasama n'yo ako sa mga date n'yo dahil sa mga post n'ya."

A shaky breath came out of my mouth, ilang beses ko sinubukan magsalita pero wala akong masabi dahil hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko inakalang may ginagawa palang ganito si Kiran.

I knew that he was sweet in his own way, but I have never thought that his love for me ran this deep. . .na para bang alam n'yang hindi na siya aahon pang muli.

My eyes skimmed through the captions. Habang tumatagal ako sa pagbabasa ay lalo akong nakakaramdam ng ginhawa sa aking puso. Kiran was never good at his words, but his actions never failed to make me feel how much he cherished me. Binasa ko ang mga maiikling captions n'ya at di mapigilan na maluha dahil sa mga ito.

It was as if he carefully took his time to choose the right words, that only I can understand. It was as if he created a language that only the both of us knew. He was creating love letters in the captions that he made.

I saw the caption of the photo where I was looking outside the window and the sun was peppering kisses on my cheeks.

Nacia always likes the sun. Tagaktak ang pawis n'ya pero hindi mo siya mapipigilan magsulat kung nasaan ang araw. Pero mahal n'ya rin ang gabi, dahil kapag akala n'ya ay tulog na ang lahat, mas nasusulat n'ya ang mga bagay-bagay na takot siyang isiwalat. At kung darating man ang araw na hindi na siya makapagsulat sa umaga at gabi—mamahalin ko pa rin ang Nacia na 'yon. Her growth is something that I'm deeply fond of.

My eyes went misty. Binasa ko ang sumunod pang captions. It was another photo of me, I was reading a book while my eyebrows furrowed. Hindi ko na rin natatandaan kung bakit pero bahagya akong napangiti. I read his caption on the photo and my heart melted.

Nacia serves as a poetry that's known to everyone, whispered across the rooms, admired by a few but she could never be understood the way that she's meant to be. She's written in a language that I can never get tired of studying. To everyone, she's a poem that needs to be deciphered over and over but to me. . .she's the only poetry that is written to be loved in time immemorial.

"Di ba, Ma'am? Ang lakas n'yang mang-inggit," biro nung staff. "Halatang malakas po yung amats sa inyo eh. Nagsimula lang 'yan ngayong taon pero maraming sumusubaybay kasi parang d'yan lang naman sila nakakakuha ng update sa inyong dalawa. May balak po ba kayong mag-vlog?"

Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya at patagong pinalis ang mga luhang kumawala sa aking mata, the feeling of being loved  by someone this much feels a little too overwhelming.

Pumayag ako na magpa-picture sa akin yung staff. Nakita ko na bahagyang kumunot ang noo ni Kiran sa direksyon ko habang nakapila siya sa mismong counter. Lumingon ako sa kan'ya at ngumiti na lang din dahil hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin sa kan'ya na alam ko na ang tungkol sa page na ginawa n'ya.

Maybe there's a reason why he didn't want to tell me about it, hahayaan ko na lang muna na isipin n'yang hindi ko alam. I would wait for the perfect time for him to tell me about naciasmemoir.

. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

I went to the office, monday morning. Halos papasikat pa lang ang araw ay nandoon na ako dahil maaga ko ipapabasa kay Mineth ang story na sinusubukan kong tapusin. I thought I could write better now since Kiran is by my side—but it was the opposite, mas lalo lang yata akong di nakakapagsulat dahil kinukulit n'ya ako.

"Salamat sa tinapay na dala n'yo kagabi," sabi ni Mineth nang madatnan n'ya akong nagaayos ng desk ko.

I was wiping my desk using some wipes when I tilted my head to face her. Dahan-dahan n'yang sinarado ang pinto at ngumuso nang mapansin ang paglilinis ko.

"Dapat ay doon ako matutulog pero nangulit si Kiran," sabi ko sa kan'ya at tinapon ang wipes sa malapit na basurahan.

"Sinosolo ka na n'ya talaga!" Mineth groaned and almost slammed herself on her chair. "Paano naman ako? Si Ruby rin ay mukhang may jowa na."

"Hindi ba ikaw ang busy rin sa ine-interview mong artista? Yung gagawan ng biography?" I asked.

Umirap si Mineth. "Please, hindi na nga ako makapaghintay na matapos yung interview dahil iritang-irita na ako!"

Humalakhak ako dahil sa naging reaksyon n'ya. I shifted my weight on my chair when someone opened the door, nanginginig pa n'yang binuksan ito at agad naman siyang bumungad sa akin.

"Pearl Ivy?" mahinang tawag ko sa kan'ya.

Her eyes were bloodshot. Halata na nahihirapan siyang bumuo ng mga salita dahil sa palunok-lunok n'ya. Ilang beses n'yang sinubukan titigan kami sa mga mata pero bumabagsak din ang tingin n'ya sa kan'yang kamay. Her fingers curled into fists as she let out a shaky breath.

"I want to quit writing."

"What?" Mineth gasped.

"Ivy?" tawag ko sa pangalan n'ya.

"I. . .I don't to publish my works anymore," mangiyak-ngiyak n'yang saad. "P'wede pa po ba 'yon?"

Namuo ang katahimikan sa buong kwarto. Nagkatitigan kaming dalawa ni Mineth. We both know the answer to her question, and we both know that Ivy wouldn't want to hear the answer—at least not in her current state.

"Hey. . .girl, yung contract," Mineth looked at me for help.

Napabuntonghininga ako. I don't know her contract, hindi ko alam kung may clause roon na p'wede siyang mag-back out. Ang alam ko ay malapit na ilabas ang libro n'ya dahil tapos na ito i-edit. So, it's hard to tell her to pursue this decision because it might be only a decision made out of her intense emotions right now.

"Ivy. . ." kalmanteng tumayo ako mula sa aking inuupuan at lumapit sa kan'ya. "P'wede mo ba sabihin kung bakit? Didn't you like the editing? The book itself? O ano?"

Umiling-iling siya. Pinunasan ang mga luha sa kan'yang mga mata. Naka-uniform pa siya, at mukhang hindi pumasok dahil nagmamadaling pumunta rito. Suot n'ya ang ID n'ya at patuloy na nanginginig.

"A-ayoko na po kasi talaga," she cried as she shook her head. "Ayoko na po magsulat."

Mineth sighed as she looked at me. I shook my head. Ivy can't handle Mineth's tone right now. Syempre bilang editor at mas nakakaalam sa mga kontrata, alam naming mahihirapan si Pearl Ivy kuhanin pabalik ang rights ng libro n'ya.

What we can only do now is bring her joy back, I'm sure she was looking forward to bringing her story into a physical copy. Hindi man lahat ng author ay pangarap na maging isang libro ang likha nila, some would make it as their life's dream to have their written imagination into a physical book.

"Bakit ayaw mo na magsulat?" mahinahong tanong ko at pinunasan ang pawis n'ya sa kan'yang noo.

She exhaled. "Hindi naman kasi ako magaling. Tama naman talaga yung ibang mga tao. . .sikat lang ako pero hindi ako magaling."

Oh.

"Wala akong binatbat kay tocrescent," she ranted as she bit her lip. "Pareho kaming sikat pero siya lang yung magaling. Nahihiya ako mahanay sa kan'ya. Kasi palagi kaming nakukumpara sa isa't isa."

"Si tocrescent?" tanong ko.

Tumango siya. "Isa pa naman siya sa mga iniidolo ko. . .pero mukhang kahit siya ay ayaw sa akin. My writing sucks, all of my works are poorly written. Totoo naman ang mga sinasabi ng readers n'ya."

"What?" I asked, my eyes slowly widening.

Wala sa ugali ni tocrescent. . .ni Cio ang manghusga ng gawa ng iba. I don't see him as the type to nitpick literature, to say the least. Ang alam ko rin ay busy siya sa pagsusulat ng unang romance book n'ya. Wala rin siya masyadong update sa kung anong social media account n'ya. Di ko nga alam kung buhay pa ba siya eh.

Pinunasan ni Pearl Ivy ang mga luha na lumandas sa kan'yang mata. "I hate writing. It used to bring me so much joy. . .pero doble yung kinukuha n'ya sa akin na lungkot. Hindi worth it. Hindi ko na kaya."

My lips parted as I saw her slowly turning small, shrinking into nothingness, and almost being invisible as her words kept on spilling from her own mouth.

Natulala ako kay Pearl Ivy. Her words transported me back to college. . .where I said those words myself. Alam kong titigil akong magsulat. Alam kong pinanghihinaan na ako ng loob. I knew that I didn't mean those words but I wanted to hurt back writing the way it hurt me.

Pero bakit ko sasaktan ang isang bagay na niligtas na rin ako noon?

Hindi naman pala yung pagsusulat yung ayoko. It was the external noise that made me stop writing—it wasn't the act itself. It was the pressure to write something good in the eyes of others, the critical voices that never made me feel I could improve, and the idea that my work isn't something that I could be proud of.

Pearl Ivy sniffed, her snot showing. "I used to idolized tocrescent a lot. Pero ayaw sa akin ng readers n'ya. . .kaya baka ayaw n'ya rin sa akin. Ang totoo n'yan ay mukhang readers ko lang naman ang nakakatiis sa gawa ko."

"Di 'yan totoo!" Mineth objected. "Natiis ko rin ang gawa mo, girl."

Lumingon ako kay Mineth upang pandilatan siya. Mineth huffed then looked away. Minsan talaga ay hindi siya marunong bumasa ng tao!

"Ivy," malamyos na tawag ko sa pangalan n'ya. "Pag-usapan muna natin 'to ha? Your emotions are valid, but the way you process it right now is not. Huwag kang gagawa ng desisyon habang mataas pa ang emosyon mo."

Her eyes lowered to the ground, as if she's ashamed of what she has just said.

"Gusto mo ba kausapin si tocrescent?" tanong ko sa kan'ya.

Umangat ang tingin n'ya sa akin. Her eyes twinkled and she nodded eagerly. Pero bahagya din siyang natigilan dahil pakiramdam n'ya ay tinubuan siya ng hiya. Umiwas siya sa akin ng tingin.

"Pero baka. . .ayaw n'ya," she said in a small voice. "She probably hates me."

Ngumiti lang ako. Trust me, baka nga hindi n'on alam ang mga pinaggagawa ng readers n'ya.

I sighed as I looked for my phone and saw Rien's number. I dialled it, pero hindi n'ya sinagot agad. Kaya naman nag-iwan ako ng mensahe para sa kan'ya.

Nacia:
Coffee?
With another author.
Kung okay lang?

Rien:
pass.

Nacia:
Please? :(

He didn't reply immediately. In between seconds, I could feel his hesitation.

Rien:
sinong kasama?

Nacia:
Si Pearl Ivy.
Can you be
tocrescent's spokesperson?