Chapter 32

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The air inside the conference room grew thicker and dense, parang kasalanan ang huminga dahil sa isiniwalat ko. I fidgeted my fingers. It's okay—the last time was from my third book. I haven't. . .think of it again.

Agape went towards me, her hands gliding up and down on my arms as if to console me. Pakiramdam ko ay alam n'ya ang pakiramdam. . .she's probably an empath, or she also found herself in the same loop of emotions.

There's this hidden urge to always be sensitive towards a person who almost lost everything. Hindi ko alam pero ramdam na ramdam ko kung paano nabago ang pakikitungo ni Agape at Kiran sa akin. Agape, who was always protective and kind, doubled her traits. Pakiramdam ko ay kahit ang dadaanan ko ay lalagyan n'ya ng carpet para lang maramdaman ko na mahalaga ako.

And even when I say that I'm okay, they can see right through me—that I'm always walking on a thin thread when it comes to life. That I'm not sure if everything's really okay—I just really had to be because there's no other choice at the moment.

"Busy ka na ba? Gusto mo labas tayo? Ino-overwork ka siguro ni Kiran!" Agape pursed her lips then glared at Kiran. "Ikaw naman! Porke't miss mo, ayaw mo na magpahinga!"

"She's really busy. . .nagsisimula na sila magsulat ni Rien eh," sagot ni Kiran sabay baling ng tingin sa akin.

"Ah, kaya inaagaw mo pala ang oras dahil kapag nawala sa paningin mo, si Rien ang kasama?" akusa ni Agape, naniningkit pa ang mga mata.

Kiran scoffed. "Di ah."

Lumingon si Agape sa akin. "Galawan n'yo ano?"

"Di ako tulad ni Kuya," Kiran denied.

Agape chortled. "Yeah right! Mga takot sa golden retriever!"

"Di ako takot sa golden retriever!" Kiran scoffed then bit his lower lip. "Ako pa kakagat doon eh. Saka mukha bang golden retriever si Rien? Mukha siyang bulldog."

"Parang di naman," sabat ko saka ngumiti sa kanila. "Para siyang husky."

Kiran slightly glared at me. Bumunghalit sa tawa si Agape at nagawa pang  makipag-apir sa akin sa harap ni Kiran.

The door slowly went ajar and it revealed Rien, unti-unti n'yang tiningnan kami isa't isa saka tinanggal ang nakakabit na Airpods sa kan'yang tainga.

"Bakit feeling ko ay pinaguusapan n'yo ako?" si Rien na biglang kumunot ang noo.

"Oo, aso ka raw eh," sagot ni Agape at humalakhak. "Husky ka raw ni Nacia."

Lumingon sa akin si Rien, may munting ngiting bumitiw sa kan'yang labi. "Husky?"

"Hindi 'yan husky, wala nga siyang masyadong buhok oh," Kiran scowled then cocked his head towards Rien.

"Yeah, I could be a husky," halakhak ni Rien sabay tingin sa akin. "Basta husky ni Nacia. I really don't mind being her dog."

"Cat lover siya," sitsit ni Kiran at halos lumukot ang mukha. "Di yan mahilig sa aso!"

"Huh? Desisyon ka ah?" Halakhak ni Agape. "Asal pusa ka kasi eh. Pusakal."

"Anong pusakal?" si Kiran.

"Pusa sa kalye," halakhak ni Agape.

Kiran scowled. "Pauso ka talaga, no?"

Ang magandang mood ni Kiran ay nasira dahil doon. Buong meeting yata ay nakabusangot siya habang pini-present namin ni Rien ang mga idea namin. Dumating na rin kasi ang mga kasamahan namin, even Mineth was present as well. She wore a pleased smile as soon as she got from the conference room.

"We're having problems with the authenticity of the story," sabi ni Rien. "Sa tingin namin ay dapat mag-consult talaga kami ng mga writer at director na nagkaroon ng relasyon sa isa't isa."

"Lalayo pa ba tayo?" Halakhak ni Mineth, her eyes flew towards me and Kiran. "Mag-volunteer na yung mga magvo-volunteer d'yan. Sa letrang K at letrang N."

Kiran scoffed and looked at me, his eyes were intense but. . .it gradually revealed his longing. Napatikhim siya saka umiwas ng tingin.

"I'm okay with sharing some information. . ." sagot ko sa kanila. "Ikaw ba, Kiran?"

"I'm fine with it too," sagot n'ya.

Rien's eyes blinked numerous times before he settled with a sigh. "Then, I guess we can start the interview in a while."

"Tungkol saan ba ang mga tanong?" I asked as I shifted my weight. Hindi naman siguro magiging personal?

"Just. . .some sentiments about your previous relationship," sabi ni Rien. "Kung bakit kayo nag-break. . .gano'n lang naman. So, we can draw inspiration from it."

"Shet, ungkatan ng past," Mineth chuckled humorlessly. "I love it."

"I'm okay with it. . ." mahinang sambit ko. "Hindi naman magiging issue sa akin. Pero sa 'yo ba, Kiran?"

"Hindi rin," Kiran said.

My chest heaved, the truth was, I feel like I should be more honest with how I feel. Palagi ko na lang nilalagay sa mga sinusulat ko ang mga nararamdaman ko na nakakalimutan kong akin ang mga emosyon na ito.

After the general meeting, we opted to have some coffee to get the interview started. We went to a nearby coffee shop. The ceiling sets out an earthly, soft, and warm lighting across the whole room. Small rounded tables were scattered and accompanied by cushioned chairs. The ambient and instrumental music plays on their public speakers, urging the people inside to relax and focus. Kakaunti na lang ang mga tao dahil halos hapunan na nang magsimula kami kaya hindi rin siya masikip tingnan.

"We'll have spanish latte," sabi ni Mineth nang makita ang menu. "Kayong dalawa?"

"Black coffee," sabi ni Rien, inayos ang pagkakalapag ng menu.

"Salted Caramel," si Kiran. 

"Nakaka-pressure naman mamili sa menu nila," Agape licked her lips and chuckled slightly. "P'wede bang kayo na lang mamili nung akin? Para ramdam ko agad yung kape, magugulat agad ako sa unang tikim."

I smiled at her and Mineth laughed. She's probably trying to loose us up. Ramdam n'ya sigurong kabado kaming dalawa ni Kiran. We both know that this interview. . .can either stitch our past or open our wounds we tried to conceal.

Lima lang kami ngayon sa table. Tumikhim si Mineth upang basagin ang katahimikan. She looked at us and tried to smile.

"May idea naman na kayo sa mga tanong ano? Can we start?" sabi ni Mineth.

Tumango ako, at sumunod naman si Kiran sa naging aksyon ko. I had the set of questions that they have for us. So far, I don't think it would be hard to answer it.

"When did you start writing, Nacia?" tanong ni Mineth sa akin.

I mentally counted the years but. . .I don't know. I can't exactly remember when I started writing. Ang natatandaan ko lang ay magmula nang matututo akong makaramdam ng mga emosyon ay nagsimula na akong humabi ng mga salita.

"I don't know," I started out weak. "Basta nagsulat lang ako. . .siguro nang matuto ako ng mga salita, doon na ako nagsimula."

"You have to be completely honest," Rien said, then his eyes went towards their notes. "Our goal here is to assess if our characters are aligned to realistic expectations. Okay lang naman kung hindi mo lalagyan ng filter."

I nodded. I felt guilty somehow, because I thought the questions are easy to answer—but it was hard to answer with the utmost honesty.

"Well, to be fair, that's a hard question to answer," sabi ni Agape, para depensahan ako. "Hindi naman lahat ay tanda pa kung anong unang storya ang sinulat nila. It's really vague."

"How would you know? Nagsusulat ka ba?" Mineth probbed, her eyes ladened with curiosity.

Bahagyang natigilan si Agape. "Yes. . ."

"Like privately?"

Agape's eyes flinched. "Uh, no. I used to write publicly. But it wasn't really turned into books. Just some. . .fan fics, kung alam n'yo 'yon."

"Talaga?" Mineth's lips pulled inwardly then asked. "You write fanfics?"

"Before," sagot ni Agape at mukhang naghahanap ng butas na lulusutan. "Pero hindi na ako nagsusulat. Matagal na akong tumigil. It's not really serious for me."

"What's your username? Did you write it online? O notebooks lang?" tanong ni Rien, mukhang interesado rin sa sinabi ni Agape.

Agape cleared her throat. "Huy! Hindi ako yung writer na may ex na director, ha! Hindi ako ang dapat ini-interview!"

Mineth chuckled. "Okay, fine. Pero last na, curious ako eh. Anong username mo? Saka available pa ba mga stories mo? I can feel that you wrote them online. Uso 'yan sa mga fandom 'di ba? May mga fanfictions na nababasa online?"

I tilted my head and looked at Agape as well. Kahit ako ay hindi napigilan ang pagiging kuryuso sa mga naging sagot ni Agape. She writes? Na-curious tuloy ako kung anu-ano ang mga sinusulat n'yang kwento. Gusto ko rin tuloy basahin.

"Ah. . ." Agape licked her lips and answered in a small voice. "Kilenation."

Kiran coughed loudly which earned him a meaningful glare from Agape. Mineth widened her eyes at halos malaglag ang panga n'ya sa gulat. Si Rien naman ay ilang beses napakurap. Ako lang yata yung hindi maintindihan. . .kung sino si kilenation at bakit ganito ang nga reaction nila.

"Te?!" Mineth gasped. Agad n'yang kinapa si Agape na para bang hindi ito totoong tao.

"Huy! Dati lang 'yon!" Agape shook her head. "Wala na 'yon! Deleted na!"

"Ikaw 'yon?!" agap ni Mineth.

"Wala na nga! Deleted na nga!"

"You were being scouted by Likha! Ikaw lang ang makapal ang mukha na sinabing ayaw mo palitan pangalan ni Kile sa mga stories mo!" isinuwalat ni Mineth.

I looked at her. "You mean she had a publishing deal?"

Tumango si Mineth. "Yes, sumikat 'yang mga fanfictions n'ya ah? Nag-trending and all. Ang kaso ay ayaw nitong kilenation na 'to na palitan ang pangalan ni Kile sa mga stories n'ya; hindi tuloy nakuha ng likha yung mga gawa n'ya. Sayang 'yon ah!"

Tumango ako. That was a common practice for fan fictions, since they were usually inspired from real celebrities or fictional characters, they are usually covered by copyright infringement. Kaya naman para iwasan ang mga legal issues at para buong makuha ang copyright, pinapalitan ang mga pangalan ng mga characters sa mga fan fictions.

"Ayaw ko! Hindi ko ma-imagine na iba ang inuungol na pangalan, kaya ayaw ko palitan!" Agape defended herself.

"Ah, Kile lang ang gusto mo inuungol?" Mineth probbed, a teasing smile forming on her lips .

"Tangina mo, te!" Agape's face turned to crimson tomato. "Totoo naman pero tangina naman kaunting hiya naman para sa akin?! Lulubog na ako rito, oh! Mamaya gawin na akong meme na ikukumpara ako kay Maria Clara noon tapos ako yung mapusok na babae ngayon?!"

Nagpipigil ng tawa si Rien at Kiran, samantalang curious na curious naman ako sa kung paanong may umuungol sa stories n'ya. Agape looked fun and spontaneous, pero wala sa itsura n'ya ang magsulat ng mga. . .gano'n! Mas mukha pa nga siyang anghel kumpara sa akin. She looked innocent despite her usual black and white clothing, hindi rin naman siya sobrang revealing manamit kaya wala talaga sa itsura n'ya.

"P'wede pabasa ng gawa mo?" I asked curiously.

Agape's head tilted towards me, her face lost its color. "Wala na! Deleted na nga 'yon! Di na ako fan!"

"Weh?" Halakhak ni Kiran.

"Hindi na talaga! Hindi ko na nga ma-open si kilenation, deleted na kasi," Agape huffed then licked her lips. "Hindi nga ako dapat yung topic! Wala akong ex na director! At wala rin akong. . .ex na Conjuanco!"

Ngumuso si Kiran. "Right."

"Oo nga! Naka-move on na ako!"

"So kung yayayain kita manood ng concert n'ya, kasama si Nacia, okay lang sa 'yo?" Ngumisi si Kiran.

Umirap si Agape. "Oo! I mean! Seryoso ba?!"

"Yeah. . ." Lumingon si Kiran sa akin. "Are you free to watch a concert?"

Namilog ang mga mata ni Agape. Ako naman ay nagulat din sa sinabi ni Kiran. Bakit ako ang nabanggit n'ya? Isasama n'ya ako sa concert?

I slowly nodded. "P'wede naman. K-kailan ba?"

"Next week," Kiran shrugged, pero may munting ngiti sa labi.

"Gano'n pala magtanong ng date," Mineth scoffed.

Agape's lips twisted. "Damay na naman ako!"

"Pumayag ka na," si Kiran na nakakunot ang noo.

"Galawan, ah?" bulong ni Mineth at bahagyang bumungisngis.

Agape furrowed her brows. "P'wede bang kayo na ulit topic? Mananahimik na ako!"

Tumango naman kaming dalawa ni Kiran, yet I could feel the suffocating tension between us. We started to answer some of the questions. Ramdam ko na hinihinay-hinay naman nila Rien at Mineth ang pagtatanong. Hinihimay din nila kung anu-ano ang p'wedeng magamit para sa script.

"You always have Nacia's book on your bag," isiniwalat ni Mineth habang ang tingin ay malalim kay Kiran. "Bakit? You like reading her books?"

Umangat ang kaba sa aking dibdib. That was a question that I didn't anticipate. Ang totoo n'yan ay curious din ako pero hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan ang pagtatanong kay Kiran tungkol dito. I just feel like. . .I shouldn't ask something that I wasn't prepared to know.

Kiran's eyes shifted towards me. Si Mineth ang nagtanong pero ang atensyon n'ya ay napunta sa akin.

"I actually read all of her books already," sagot ni Kiran. "Pero palagi akong may dala na libro n'ya dahil. . .I wanted a part of her to be always with me."

When I heard it from his lips, all the emotions started to crash onto me. I looked up to him and saw he was already staring at me. All of a sudden, it wasn't just my published book anymore—it wasn't a bundle of paper with a hard cover—but a piece of me that he could still keep despite the distance between us.

The silence was deafening until Kiran continued to open up.

"When Nacia and I broke up. . .wala siyang iniwan na gamit sa akin," sabi ni Kiran sa mahinang tono. "Just a letter that I don't even want to read. . .I love whenever she expresses herself through words, but her words never fail to break me as well. She can make and break me just by using her choice of words."

"So. . .when she published a book," Kiran trailed on, despite the growing lump on his throat being completely visible because of the way his voice cracks. "I felt like I could have something that's a part of her, that I could always have with me. Kaya palagi akong may dalang libro n'ya. Because I want to be with her. . .even if it's just a piece of who she used to be."

My eyes stung. Please, I don't want to cry right now.  Umangat ang tingin ko para pigilan ang mga umaambang luha. Even when I have hurt him. . .he thought of me fondly; he even kept my books with me, just so I could still have a place in his life.

"Bakit ba kayo nag-break?" tanong ni Rien. His eyes settled on me, as if he knew that I was the one who wanted to break up first.

I cleared my throat. Sinubukan kong ngumiti. "It would be unfair if this interview had lies on it, right? Kaya susubukan kong maging totoo sa inyong lahat ngayon. Lalo na sa 'yo, Kiran. . ."

Kiran's eyes softened, and for the first time ever since we saw each other again, I could see the fragments of the man that I love being reflected on him. Napangiti ako nang malungkot.

"I was weak," sagot ko sa kanila. "My first script was my first heartbreak. Binenta ko 'yon para mapagamot yung kapatid ko na. . .na-aksidente dahil tinulak ito. I didn't want to point fingers, but as soon as the accident happened, Kiran's father showed up with a proposal. I didn't want. . .Kiran to be indebted to his father. Kaya sinarili ko. . .lahat-lahat. And when I couldn't take it anymore, I started to pour it out to Kiran. . .but god, he was too kind. Too good. It felt bad to be angry at him for a situation he didn't want as well. . ."

Tuluyang bumagsak ang mga luha ko. They were all silent as they watched me slowly succumbing to the emotions that I tried hard to contain inside me.

I always thought that love was an omnipotent emotion; it overpowers everything else. But when I was put to a test, I finally saw the cracks and fractures that I couldn't conceal or heal. I couldn't make love as my foundation because my love. . .wasn't strong enough. When Kiran wanted a soldier out of me—I couldn't fight because I was not made to be one. I wasn't made to wage wars. I couldn't fight for him not because I didn't want to—because I knew that I couldn't win a losing game, when I was always the weakest one. I couldn't carry the weight of love—so I had to run away from it. I had to leave it behind. I had to leave Kiran.

I couldn't pour everything to love—when I barely had anything else to give.

"I'm sorry for being weak, Kiran," I looked at him as my smile faltered. "The truth was—I didn't break up with you because of your father, not even because of you, not even because of my family—but because I was too weak for this strong love. Hindi kita kaya ipaglaban gaya ng pagmamahal mo sa akin. And for that, I really hope you could forgive me for not loving you enough."