TW: Suicide Ideation

Chapter 31

. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

I don't know where I got the courage to say that, yet Kiran's lips parted and he was visibly surprised upon hearing it from me. Gosh. . .hindi ko rin talaga alam kung bakit ko 'yon sinabi!

I turned on my own heel, and decided to dismiss myself. Hindi ko talaga alam saan ko nakuha ang determinasyon na 'yon. I was the one who broke up with him! I was the one who wanted to get away from being tangled with his life. Tapos ako rin itong hihingi ng kiss?

Ang gulo lang! But maybe because deep inside me, the thought lives. The idea that we are still together and we didn't have to go through all of that. . .for nothing.

Even if I wanted to be with him, I don't think we could even fight against his father and his ways. Natatakot pa rin ako. Hindi nawawala ang agam-agam sa aking puso na balang araw ay ako ang dahilan bakit mapapasunod n'ya si Kiran.

I badly want to know why he wants to control the lovers of his kids; kung bakit alam n'yang konektado kami sa mga desisyon ng kan'yang mga anak. Maybe because at some point of his life. . .he was also cornered using the love of his life?

I scoffed.

Pero dalawa ang taong minahal n'ya sa buong buhay n'ya, so I doubt that's the case. Pero hanggang ngayon ay gusto kong alamin kung bakit. . .gano'n ang gusto n'yang mangyari. What he offered was incredulous, to say the least. Maiintindihan ko pa kung papalayuin n'ya ako sa anak n'ya gamit ng pera, pero ang gusto n'ya ay lalo akong mapalapit dito, pero dapat ay sinasabi ko sa kan'ya ang mga ganap nito sa buhay.

He was going to pay me just so I could snitch on his son, as if he couldn't do it himself. Gano'n ba kahirap kamustahin ang kan'yang anak? Kung tutuusin, hindi na n'ya ako kailangan kung noon pa lang ay nabilog na n'ya si Kiran. Yet, fortunately so, he didn't get to have any hold towards him. And I couldn't be more proud of my Kiran.

That was the biggest difference between the two of us. Kaya ni Kiran na lumaban sa kan'yang mga magulang, samantalang hanggang ngayon ay alipin pa rin ako ng mga pangarap ng aking Nanay at Tatay. I was still the daughter who almost made it, if only she didn't put her dreams first.

Umuwi ako sa probinsya upang bisitahin si Tonton, sakto namang nandoon siya at wala siya sa pamamahay ni Tiya Gina. Sa malayo pa lang ay tanaw ko na siya. Ang katahimikan sa aming bakuran ang nagpakaba sa akin, kadalasan ay maririnig ko ang boses ni Tatay na may inuutos kay Tonton o di kaya'y malayo pa lang ay amoy ko na ang tanghali na niluluto ni Nanay. The absence of those things made my anxiety heightened.

Nagwawalis si Tonton nang maabutan ko ang malalakas ang sigawan sa loob ng aming bahay, my heart lurched against my chest. The thundering voices inside the house were causing a huge disturbance. Hindi ito ang inaasahan kong ingay na maririnig mula sa aming bahay. 

Umangat ang tingin sa akin ni Tonton. Namataan n'ya ang malayong tingin ko. Unti-unting bumalik ang aking tingin sa aking kapatid. We both looked at each other, sharing the same weight of emotions inside us. Pareho kaming naguguluhan sa nangyayari sa loob ng bahay ngayon. Ako, dahil kadarating ko lang. Si Tonton, dahil sa hindi pa n'ya alam kung bakit kailangan mag-away ng aming mga magulang.

"A-ate, nakauwi ka na pala," Tonton smiled at me, may pasa siya sa kan'yang pisngi kaya naman agad na nanglaki ang mga mata ko.

"Anong nangyari sa mukha mo?" tanong ko sa kan'ya. "Bakit ka may pasa sa pisngi? Napapaaway ka na ba, Tonton?"

Umiling-iling siya. "Hindi, Ate Nacia. Si Tatay kasi. . .nasampal ako."

"Bakit ka n'ya sinampal?!" My voice got stuck on my throat.

My father was almost always calm, galit man siya ay hindi n'ya ito dinadaan sa pisikal, kaya nang marinig ito ay halos manginig ako. Umiling si Tonton at yumuko na nang tuluyan.

"Hindi ko rin po alam eh. . ." ani Tonton at nagpatuloy sa pagwawalis. "Lasing lang po siguro."

My hands started to tremble as my fingers gently touched his cheeks. Ang sabi ko ay ilalayo ko si Tonton dito. . .I keep on delaying it because the reality was. . .totoo ang sinabi nila Nanay at Tatay; kinukulang pa ang sahod ko para sa sarili ko. Kahit gaano ako katipid, kahit tumaas man ito nang ilang porsyento, at kahit sa tingin ko naman ay magaling ako sa trabaho ko. . .kulang pa rin.

Tangina.

Bakit ba palagi ko na lang nadidismaya ang lahat? Na kahit ang sarili ko ay dismayado rin sa akin?

"Kakausapin ko sila ha?" I said, yet the bile on my throat thickened. Sa nanginginig na boses ay inalo ko ang aking kapatid. "Nandito na si Ate, Tonton."

My brother gently lifted his head, the tears that he was trying to contain slowly poured like rain.

"Sorry, ate, ha?" Tonton smiled amidst the tears. "Nadadamay ka pa tuloy."

"Hindi. . .huwag kang mag-sorry," I sighed. "Ako ang dapat humingi ng pasensya dahil. . .wala eh, hindi ko mabigay lahat ng kailangan n'yo."

Halos bente singko na ako. . .pero tangina, parang wala pa akong nararating. I feel like I'm always afloat in a never-ending limbo. Parang sa lahat ng nakaplano para sa akin. . .wala sa mga 'yon ang matutupad ko. And it sucks. . .dahil hanggang kailan ako magiging ganito?

Sorry, Tonton.

Sorry, Tatay.

Sorry, Nanay.

My lips trembled as I forced myself to smile. Hawak-hawak ko si Tonton habang papaakyat kami. Hindi ako natinag sa sigawan ni Nanay at Tatay, sa mga basag na piraso ng mga gamit na nagkalat sa buong bahay, o kahit sa matalim na tingin ni Tatay nang makita ako.

Pareho silang hinihingal ni Nanay. Namamaga na ang mga mata ni Nanay dahil sa pag-iyak, at kita ko sa pagkuyom ng kan'yang mga kamay ang tinatagong galit. Her veins were becoming visible, all blue-ish greens veins showing signs of her unkempt emotions.

"Oh, bakit ka nandito?!" Tatay roared at me, ang sistema ay may bahid ng alak. Halos hindi n'ya magawang tumayo nang deretso. Kita ko ang panglilisik ng mga mata n'ya.

"Tumigil ka na!" si Nanay na umiiyak pa rin. "Huwag mo na sila idamay!"

Tatay heaved a breath, he was finding it hard to weigh his anger and his eyes scanned our entire place. When he saw the nearest vase, he sent it flying across the living room. Napapitlag kaming lahat habang si Tonton naman ay lalong napayapos sa akin.

My entire body trembled as if I was as little as Tonton, my eyes went towards my father who was still unleashing his rage towards us. Bumakas sa kan'yang mga mata ang pagsisisi pero ramdam ko hanggang buto ang takot sa kan'ya. He wasn't always violent. . .but this scene would forever be cemented inside my memory.

"Tama na 'yan!" pigil ni Nanay. Pugto na rin ang nga mata. Namamaos na rin ang boses. "Akala mo ba ay mapipigilan mo pa ang gusto ko? Tama na ang pagpapakatanga ko sa 'yo! Tama ang kapatid ko! Isang pagkakamali na ikaw ang naging asawa ko! Kung sana'y nakinig lang ako, edi sana ay doctor na rin ako ngayon!"

My whole face lost its color, I struggled to breathe as I hugged my brother tightly, trying to shield him from hearing their words.

"Ano?! Aalis ka rin ba?! Sige, iwan n'yo na akong lahat! Tutal, lahat naman kayo ay sarili lang ang iniisip n'yo!" sigaw ni Tatay habang pinagduduro kami. "Tangina n'yo eh! Binuhay ko kayo tapos iiwan n'yo akong lahat?!"

The pain tripled inside my heart. Napakapit si Tonton sa akin habang unti-unting humikbi dahil alam kong ramdam n'ya ang pinaghalong emosyon ni Tatay. He didn't really mean it to hurt us. . .but he was just hurt as well. Dahil totoo naman na wala nang natira rito sa bahay. It was as if we were all trying to run away from here. Itong bahay na pinagpaguran n'yang ayusin at itayo ay iiwan lang namin.

"Isipin mo ang kapakanan ni Tonton! Mas mapapabuti siya roon! Doon ay mabibigyan n'ya ng pansin ang pagaaral n'ya! Dito, wala siyang gagawin kung di samahan ka at kalaunan ay baka magtrabaho na lang din sa kalsada! Isipin mo naman kung ano ang mas tama!"

Lalo akong napapikit, my heart almost convulsing in pain. I don't know how to make them stop. I don't know how to tell them to stop fighting. I don't know how to make them listen to me. I was useless and powerless against them.

Hinaglit ko si Tonton at iniwan silang dalawa roon. Both of them, eyes slowly dilating as I spinned around and went towards my room. Walang sabi-sabi ay nagsimula akong mag-empake. Si Tonton na nanglalaki na rin ang mga mata ay sinuyod ng tingin ang mga gamit na sinimulan kong asikasuhin. Dinamay ko na rin ang mga damit n'ya. I was serious about it, I wanted to be out of this situation. I want my brother out of it as well.

"Ano 'yan?" si Nanay, na agad pumunta sa aking kwarto.

"Aalis na kami ni Tonton," sagot ko sa mahinang tono. "Kung gusto n'yong mag-away, kayo na ang bahala. Ayoko na po."

Pagod na ako.

Pagod na pagod na ako.

"H-hindi mo p'wede dalhin si Tonton," sambit ni Nanay at marahang umiling. "Nakapagusap na kami ng Tiya Gina mo. Magtatrabaho ako at doon naman siya magaaral—"

"Kung idadamay n'yo si Tonton sa away n'yo ni Tatay, isasama ko na lang po siya sa Maynila—"

"At ano? Hahabulin na naman ang mga pangarap n'yong walang kwenta?" Halakhak ni Tatay at dahan-dahan kaming sinilip sa aking kwarto. "Idadamay mo pa yung kapatid mo sa katangahan mo, ano?"

My hands freeze mid-air, ang mga damit na halos tinutupi ko pa bago ko ipasok sa bag ay gusot ko nang pinagkakasya sa loob. I never knew that I would hear it from him. . .the truth that I was trying to run away from—ang katotohanan na wala pa akong nararating o napapatunayan.

"Ayokong isuko ang bagay na alam ko. . .matagal kong pinanghawakan," I said, almost breathless.

It feels like playing with sand when it comes to writing. I would contain it in my hands but all of it would slowly slip between my fingers. I would endlessly try to hold on to it, grab it, and make sure that it can still make a sand castle in the end. Yes, maybe writing is indeed like playing with sand. . .you can feel it but somehow it feels like you're holding pure emptiness in your palms.

"Lahat naman tayo ay may pangarap na kailangan isuko," litanya ni Nanay sa akin nang makitang patuloy kong pinage-empake ko si Tonton. "Kung hanggang ngayon ay panghahawakan mo pa rin 'yang pangarap mo, saan ka na pupulutin?"

Napalunok ako.

"Nakahanap ako ng bahay na kasya kaming dalawa ni Tonton, Nay," bigkas ko habang pinapasok sa maleta ang mga damit na natira sa aking kwarto. It was a blatant lie, but the air inside our house was dense, thick, and smothering my insides already. Hindi ko kaya iparanas ito araw-araw kay Tonton.

"At sa tingin mo ba ay natatapos ang bayarin sa bahay lang? May kuryente pa! Tubig! At patuloy na umaangat ang bilihin! Kaya mo ba talagang dalhin si Tonton sa Maynila o sadyang yabang lang ang mayroon ka?!" asik ni Tatay sa akin, his emotions were spilling all over the place.

Hindi ko siya masagot.

Hindi ko rin alam kung ano pa ba ang p'wedeng isagot sa kan'ya dahil buong buhay ko ay wala na akong naramdaman kung di pagsisisi na hindi ko na lang sila sinunod. It was as if a huge inevitable meteor was slowly showing me the light, the truth, that they were right all along about this dream of mine—that there are dreams that you shouldn't pursue.

Pareho na silang malapit sa may pintuan, nakahilig si Nanay sa hamba nito habang nakaabang naman si Tatay sa amin. Nagulat sila sa naging desisyon ko na gusto kong isama si Tonton sa Maynila. Ayoko siyang mapunta sa aking Tiya, at ayoko rin naman madamay siya sa madalas na pagaaway ng mga magulang ko.

Nakakalungkot na ang away nila ay dahil sa pera. Alam ko sa sarili ko na hirap din akong punan ang pagkukulang na 'yon. Gustuhin ko man ibigay lahat ng kinikita ko, wala naman akong aasahan kung di ang sarili ko lang din.

Nahirapan akong makaalis kasama si Tonton dahil halos humarang si Nanay sa lahat ng pintuan na daraanan namin. Si Tatay lang ang gumawa ng paraan para makaalis kami, he kept yelling at us that we were ungrateful, and we would be cursed because we don't value our parents. Napapikit ako, because sometimes loving your parents can indeed come in a paradox—you can feel both resentment, hurt, love, and forgiveness when it comes to them.

Sa byahe sa bus, doon lang ako nakapagisip-isip. Ang malamig na buga ng aircon ang naghele kay Tonton upang makatulog sa byahe. I threaded my fingers on his hair, making sure that he knows that he's finally safe with me.

It was one of the moments that I couldn't be rational. Hindi ko kaya iwanan doon si Tonton kahit alam ko naman na kailangan kong kumayod nang doble ngayon dahil dalawa na kaming kargo ko. I have some savings to spare and the pay for the project that I'm handling right now is good enough to sustain us for a few months. Kailangan ko lang sigurong kumuha ulit ng iilang ghost writing na trabaho habang hindi pa natatapos ang proyekto namin nila Kiran.

It was easy for others to mock those who couldn't find jobs that fit their bachelor's degree. Hindi naman kasi lahat ay nakakahanap agad ng trabaho na para talaga sa kanila; isang malaking kasinungalingan na mga kompanya ang maghahabol sa 'yo kapag nakapagtapos ka na. Ang daming trabaho na entry level pero ang experience na hinihingi ay pang-manager na. Mabuti sana kung kasingtaas ng sahod ng mga managers ang sweldo pero halos kalahati nga lang ito, ibabawas pa ang mga monthly tax at benefits.

"Dito na muna siya!" giit ni Mineth nang makita ang kapatid ko na nasa kusina namin ngayon.

Our shared condo unit is just enough for the two of us. Wala nga itong halos divider. There was a bunk bed for Mineth and I, and a small living room on the right side of the shared space. The kitchen only had one sink, a small area for the rice cooker and electric stove. May maliit din na refrigerator na galing pa kay Mineth.

"Bili na lang ako ng kutson, malapit lang naman ang department store rito," sabi ni Mineth at naghahanap kung saan ito p'wede ilagay. Her eyes roamed our entire condo unit.

Napailing ako. "Huwag na. . .ako na lang ang bibili o di kaya'y sa sofa na lang ako matutulog."

Mineth sighed. "Sige na! Magagamit naman natin 'yang kutson. Hati na lang tayo, okay? Huwag ka na maglabas ng malaking pera."

"Nakakahiya."

"Sa akin ka pa nahiya! Ilang taon na tayong magkaibigan! Hindi ka na dapat nagkakaroon ng gano'n," sabi ni Mineth at nagawa pa akong lingunin. "Saka, hindi mo kailangan magpaliwanag. Ang lungkot din kaya na tayong dalawa ang nasa condo na ito!"

The guilt lingered around me as I shook my head. "Maghahanap din ako ng bagong lilipatan—"

"Huwag na! Okay lang sa akin na nandito si Tonton," giit ni Mineth at niyakap pa ang kapatid ko. "Marami ka pang kailangan problemahin bukod sa bahay. Kailangan mo rin maghanap ng school para kay Tonton. Huwag mo na muna idagdag itong tirahan, okay?"

I sighed, yet it was out of relief too. I was blessed to have friends like Mineth. Hindi man ako suportado ng mga magulang ko, hindi ako nagkulang sa pagmamahal at kalinga sa mga kaibigan. They were my solid anchors, whenever I felt like it was easier to drown than to stay afloat in this life.

Umangat ang tingin sa akin ni Tonton, he slowly revealed a small smile. Ang kan'yang ngiti ay nagsilbing isang paalala na hindi ako mag-isa rito. Maybe it was hard to live. . .but I was truly never alone in this life. I was always afraid of becoming a failure, but whenever I look at Tonton, his eyes always sparkle at me as if he was really proud of me.  And for someone who never became proud of herself, it meant a lot to be appreciated.

"Si Kuya Kiran po?" tanong ni Tonton nang nasa grocery kami.

I had to buy some extra groceries because we used to only eat during the weekends. Hindi na rin kasi talaga kami nakakapagluto ni Mineth sa condo, pero dahil nandoon si Tonton ay mukhang makakapagluto na kami at magbabaon na lang.

Lumingon si Mineth kay Tonton. "Hiwalay na sila ng ate mo, ah? Matagal na?"

Tonton nodded. "Alam ko po pero okay lang po ba kung bibisita ako sa kan'ya? Na-miss ko na rin po kasi talaga siya eh."

"Miss mo lang kasi spoiled ka roon, ano?" tukso ni Mineth.

Bumungisngis si Tonton. "Medyo po!"

Napangiti naman ako. This was probably the most hurtful part for Tonton. When Kiran and I broke up, it almost meant cutting ties with him as well. Kaya naman minabuti ko na i-try kausapin si Kiran para sa kan'ya.

Nacia:
Hi, Kiran!

My heart was hammering against my chest, my pulse was obviously not calm. Hindi ko rin alam kung tama ba ang approach ko sa kan'ya. Hindi ba magmumukhang makapal ang mukha ko kung tatanungin ko kung available siya?

Para kay Tonton, syempre.

Kiran:
yeah?
akala ko magi-i love you ka
ulit hahahaha

My cheeks immediately tinted pink. Mabuti na lang na busy yung dalawa mamili ng mga chips sa aisle kaya hindi nila ako nakitang nagpipigil ng ngiti.

Nacia:
Available ka ba?

Kiran:
date?
kailan?

Nangunot ang noo ko sa naging reply n'ya. I wasn't asking for a date and also, isn't he supposed to be civil to me? Bakit parang hayok na hayok siyang makipag-usap sa akin?

Nacia:
Ha?

Kiran:
are you asking me out on a date?

My eyes turned to slits. No! Pero bakit naman n'ya naisip 'yon? I scanned my text and shook my head. Wala namang pahiwatig ang naging text ko sa kan'ya.

Nacia:
Hindi naman.
Yayain lang sana kitang lumabas.

Kiran:
kung kasama si Rien
ayoko 😸💖

Nacia:
Ah
Hindi naman!
Si Tonton ang nagyayaya.

Kiran:
he's in Manila?

Nacia:
Oo eh.
Pwede ka ba makipagkita sa kan'ya?

Kiran:
yup.
set ka na ng date.
i'll make time. ☺️

Nacia:
Thank you. 🥹
Will Friday be good to you?
Magl-leave ako that day.

Kiran:
yes.
see you. ☺️

Nagulat ako dahil may notification na lumabas sa aking phone. There was a message from Kiran in our group chat.

Kiran:
Hello, team!
I'll be out of the office on Friday.
May family outing lang. ☺️🏡🧑‍🧑‍🧒

Rien:
yabang, direk

Kiran:
oo ipagyayabang ko talaga kasi yung anak ko, malusog at humihinga. bonus, kamukha n'ya nanay nya.

ninong ka na lang din n'ya, Rien. 🤍😸

. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

It was still Wednesday, the weather was calm and the wind collected all the dust along with the fallen leaves from trees nearby, nakikita ko ang paglalaro ng ilan sa mga ito sa ere at sumusunod sa humpay ng hangin sa kanila. My eyes slowly went towards the busy cars, trying to drive away using the fastest routes. It was a day where everything felt a little bit busier than usual.

"Magkakaroon ng bagong release si Pearl Ivy, ah?" sabi ni Mineth at sumimsim sa kan'yang inumin.

Lumingon ako sa kan'ya. "Really? Ang bilis naman n'yang magsulat."

"Mabilis kamo siya mag-release ng libro! Kung sabagay, mabenta ang mga libro n'ya ngayon," she shrugged then her eyes flew towards me. "Ikaw ba? Kailan ang susunod mong libro? Are you working on any manuscripts lately?"

Umiling ako sa kan'ya. "Wala akong oras magsulat. Pero susubukan kong bago pa man matapos ang taon ay makapagsulat na ako ng bagong libro."

Ngumuso si Mineth sa akin. "Okay. Take your time. Marami ka rin palang hawak na proyekto ngayon."

"Actually, itong script lang. Kapag natapos naman na 'to. P'wede na ako magsulat ulit," I tried to smile at her.

Pagpasok namin sa conference room ay naabutan namin si Kiran. Nandito kami para pagusapan kung paano uusad ang script. Rien and I would like to have a little more time to spend with each other since it's a collaboration. Pero mukhang wala pa si Rien, which was unusual because he's always an early bird.

Umangat ang tingin ni Kiran sa akin. He was wearing a white polo shirt. . .which kinda resembled my last outfit. Napanguso naman ako. Kung kailan naman ibang damit ang suot ko ngayon. I was wearing a simple beige blouse and black slacks.

"Hello," bati ni Kiran. May nakasukbit na bag sa kan'ya. I saw a familiar book inside it. . .the familiar drawing of a girl on a canvas with the title hovering above her head.

It was my first book. Nangungulila.

Oh, wow. Nagbabasa pala siya ng gawa ko? Sinubukan kong ngumiti kay Kiran.

"Nacia!" Someone hugged me from behind. Lumingon ako rito at nakitang si Agape pala. She was grinning at me.

Her hair had highlights now. Pinaghalong kulay abo at itim na ang buhok n'ya. She was wearing a simple black shirt but still with style.

"Hi!" I smiled at her. "Kamusta ka?"

"Nagpasama si Kiran kasi kinakabahan daw siya sa 'yo," halakhak ni Agape.

"Not true," Kiran scoffed but tilted his head to look away.

"Sus!" Agape wrinkled her nose. Lumipat ang tingin n'ya sa akin. "Baka raw mapa-I love you too siya bigla eh."

I choked on my own saliva. Kahit si Kiran ay napatikhim.

"Kapag ikaw sinimulan ko," banta ni Kiran kay Agape habang masama ang titig. His eyes turned to slits and Agape whistled, as if she's innocent.

"Binabasa mo pala ang mga libro ko," pagiiba ko ng topic kay Kiran. "Thank you."

There was this gentleness that settled inside my chest, hindi ko mapaliwanag kung bakit gumaan ang loob ko nang malaman na binabasa n'ya ang gawa ko. I am always vulnerable when it comes to my books. They were my footprints. They would always be a part of who I am—even when I don't want to. They're my lingering shadows, as much as they make me shine, they were my darkness as well.

"He always has your books," bunyag ni Agape. "Sa kan'ya ko nalaman ang itsura ng mga libro mo dahil palagi siyang may dalang isang libro. . .and the book would always be written by deepyawns."

My heart thudded against my chest. He always brings a book of mine? I licked my lips. Why? Bakit siya nagdadala ng libro ko?

"Manahimik ka na nga," Kiran hissed, yet his neck was slowly turning red out of embarrassment.

Napangiti ako. "Thank you, Kiran."

His eyes hovered towards me, nanatiling tikom ang mga labi n'ya. Yet, I could see the same sparks from Tonton's eyes—Kiran's proud of me, even when he doesn't say so.

"Curious lang talaga ako. . .kung bakit palaging namamatay mga bida mo," Agape pursed her lips. "For some reason. . .I don't think it's random."

"Yeah. . .I agree," sabi ni Kiran, his eyes slowly found mine, there was hesitation in his voice, his gaze was ladened with uncertainty. "Why is it tragic? You used to love writing about happy endings. I doubt you just randomly thought of ending all of your novels with deaths."

All of a sudden, I could feel my ribs cracking because of this huge weight being pressed against my chest. The heaviness almost made me feel suffocated. Hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan pero minabuti ko na lang sabihin. Umangat ang tingin ko sa kanila matapos ang ilang minutong pagiisip kung dapat ko bang sabihin kung bakit. . .pero baka mag-iba ang tingin nila sa akin. After all, even my editors don't know about this. I refused to let someone know about it. I would weave a lie just so they won't know about it.

Yet, this was Kiran. He wasn't just someone—he used to be my person. He was my safe zone.

I smiled painfully. "Well. . .maybe it isn't. After all, writing is an outlet for me. It's where I put all of my vulnerabilities, or where I could be someone. . .who I can't be in real life. Where I could do something that I couldn't do in real life."

Unti-unting nanglaki ang mga mata ni Kiran at sa namamaos na boses ay nagtanong siya. "Like. . .death?"

Napayuko ako nang marinig 'yon mula sa kan'ya. The shame, the anger, the guilt, and everything else in between of those emotions finally submerging inside me.

I sighed, exasperatedly. 

"There's no beauty in it. . .death was death, when my readers wept over my character's tragic loss, I could see why it doesn't really end the pain. . .it's still there, even if the character is gone," I choked on my own tears. Pinigilan ko. . .pero hindi ko alam bakit ang bilis kong maging mahina pagdating sa harap ni Kiran. "Even in death, there was pain. It doubles because. . .everyone else finally feels the way that you were hurting."

I never really showed myself this way, the hurting and weak Nacia. Pero ang mga isinulat kong nobela, sila ang saksi sa mga luhang pinigilan kong ibuhos, mga hikbi na naging preso sa aking lalamunan, at mga salitang hindi ko kayang sabihin sa totoong mundo. Na mahina ako. Na hindi ko na kaya. Na gusto ko na lang umalis sa mundong ito. Yet, there was no escape but only irreversible pain, not only to me but also to those around me.

"Oh my god. . ." Agape's mouth went wide as the realization dawned on her. "I'm so sorry."

"Oh, it's fine, there's really no need to say sorry. . ." I said and looked away. The tears sprung out of my eyes as the memories showed like a film that I didn't want to watch anymore. "I mean. . .those three novels saved me somehow. Hindi ko na siya naiisip gawin ngayon. I wrote them, I killed those characters. . .because I thought of ending my life. . .as many times as my written books."