Chapter 27
. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

I never knew that I'd found comfort from someone like Agape—ang current girlfriend ng taong mahal ko. She was beyond nice. Wala akong masamang masabi sa kan'ya, kung mayroon man ay halatang dahil lang ito sa inggit dahil nasa kan'ya na ang taong mahal ko.

Pero halos wala akong inggit na nararamdaman sa kan'ya. It was more of a relief, actually. At least alam ko na nasa magandang kamay si Kiran.

Ngiting-ngiti si Agape habang pinapanood ako magpirma ng mga libro ko. All of them were neatly covered in plastic. Some of them had annotations already, kaya naman lalong pinasadahan ng saya ang dibdib ko. She's reading them and it makes me feel ecstatic to say the least.

She's really sweet.

"Saan mo nakuha mga plots mo?" she asked as she looked at the pages that I'm writing on.  "Most of them are sad."

"Hmm?" I licked my lips, para mawala ang pagiging dry nito.

"Sa Nangungulila, nahulog sa barko yung lalaki bago pa man siya makaamin na gusto n'ya yung bida. Sa Naliliyo, nasagasaan dahil sa kalasingan yung babae bago pa man n'ya malaman na mahal siya nung lalaki, at sa Nalilimutan naman ay kinagat ng crocodile?" Agape looked at me with pure horror plastered on her face.

My cheeks felt warm. Right! When I wrote those stories. . .most of them have endings that are considered to be tragic. Kaya nga ang iba ay iniiwasan daw talaga ang mga stories ko.

"Random lang. . ."

"Halata. . ." Agape mumbled then nodded. "I'm not questioning your works but most of them felt like the endings were rushed. Na para bang hindi mo alam kung deserve ba nila ang maging masaya kaya naman gano'n ang mga nangyari. Pinalapa mo ba naman sa crocodile eh."

Humaba ang labi ko. "I'm trying to be different this time. Balak ko sana na happy ending naman ang para sa pelikula na gagawin namin. But Kiran wants to end it otherwise."

"Naku," she sighed. "Pakipot talaga ang isang 'yon! Pero pansin ko lang. . .kaya ba sad endings din ang mga gawa mo dahil doon ka naglalabas ng mga damdamin mo?"

"H-huh?"

She shrugged. "Hindi ba gano'n naman ang ilang writers? It's hard for them to express themselves so they tend to put it in their stories. Kapag sobrang lungkot nila, it's easy for them to use melancholic words. Kaya nga, catharsis minsan ang pagsusulat para sa kanila."

"Catharsis. . ." ulit ko sa huling sinabi n'ya. "Yes, I do find writing cathartic for me."

Maybe that's the reason why I tend to lean towards unfulfilled happy-ever-afters, because life itself didn't allow me to have a taste of it. That's why I release all of my pent-up rage, sadness, and self-doubt onto my works as if I won't be carrying the burden of feeling any of these emotions. Maybe, writing was indeed cathartic for me.

Ngumiti siya nang tipid. "Honestly? I love your stories, when I read them, naisip ko na grabe ka magkwento dahil binibigyang buhay mo talaga sila. You fleshed them out, let them learn from their mistakes, and experience grief like it's always the first time they've experienced loss. Pero gusto ko rin makabasa ng masasayang storya mula sa 'yo."

Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. Nagtama ang mga mata naming dalawa. Her eyes were dark, but it was full of life. It was like directly looking at the moon. Agape was really beautiful, and it's the type of beauty that lingers. Pakiramdam ko ay kahit ilang taon na kaming di nagkita ay kabisado ko pa rin ang pagkalapat ng features sa kan'yang mukha.

"I hope you can finally be happy without feeling guilty," she said and smiled at me. She propped her chin on her palm. "You can be happy and still sympathize with the misfortune of others. You can still be happy after you choose yourself. You can still be happy when you realize you don't owe anything to anyone. " 

Halos manubig ang mga mata ko dahil sa mga salitang binitawan n'ya. Unti-unti kong pinalis ang mga magaambang luha. I shouldn't care about this. . .but it was great to finally be reminded that it's okay if I haven't paved my way yet. It's okay if I'm still exploring. It's okay if I still make mistakes. It's okay. . .I'm going to be okay.

I have found a new friendship within Agape's embrace and warmth. Grabe rin ang tuwa n'ya nang mabasa ang mga nilagay kong dedications sa kan'yang mga kopya ng aking libro. She was such a genuine person, and I hoped Kiran wouldn't break her heart—but I know he wouldn't.

Kiran can break his own heart for the person he loves; alam ko 'yon, at saksi ako sa katotohanan na 'yon.

When the night slowly settled in, ang tunog mula sa cellphone ko ang nagsilbing ilaw dahil pinatay ko na ang mga ilaw sa kwarto. Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko mula sa bedside table at nakita ang mensahe ni Kiran sa group chat.

Kiran:
Emergency meeting on Monday.
Gather everyone up. Salamat.
I'll be there. 🙂

I sighed and closed my eyes. That's next week. He's probably upset that I didn't turn in any updates for the script. Hindi ko rin kasi nabanggit na hindi naman natuloy. He probably thinks I'm slacking or I'm not serious with our current project. Hinayaan ko na lang na ihele ako ng mga iniisip ko. I let myself be consumed by my own drowsiness.

Kinabukasan ay tahimik ang buong office. Halos tunog lang mula sa bagong linis na aircon ang naririnig ko. Ang alam ko ay pupunta na si Rien sa meeting ngayon dahil nabanggit ko na walang dumating no'ng isang araw. Hindi ko na ito sinabi kay Kiran dahil baka maisip n'yang hindi ko kayang maglahad ng ideya ko sa ibang tao nang wala sila.

I dressed up nicely, I wore a beige dress and coated myself with a white blazer. Mas maikli na rin ang buhok ko ngayon pero medyo umaalon-alon ito dahil hinayaan ko lang ang hangin ang magpatuyo nito.

Kumakabog ang dibdib ko sa kaba nang pumasok sa conference room. I saw Rien reading from his iPad, nakita ko na mukhang binabasa na n'ya yung laman ng powerpoint ko para siguro mamaya ay may alam na siya sa laman.

"Good morning. . ." mahinahon kong bati.

Umangat ang tingin sa akin ni Rien. Manipis ang eyeglasses na suot n'ya, at taliwas sa damit ko ngayon na pormal, he was only wearing a grey long sleeves. Sobrang kaswal lang datingan n'ya.

"Morning," bati n'ya pabalik. "Nag-breakfast ka na?"

"You're early. . ." puna ko sa kan'ya. "Oo, nakakain na ako. Ikaw ba?"

Umiling siya. "I'll have black coffee later. Kakagaling ko lang sa shift ko. Dumeretso na ako rito dahil kung uuwi pa ako sa bahay ay baka ma-traffic pa ako papunta rito."

My lips twisted when I heard him say that. Tumingin ako sa orasan at nakitang may oras pa naman para kumuha kami ng kakaunting makakain. Masama ang magkape nang walang laman ang tyan pero ayoko naman siyang pigilan sa gusto n'yang gawin.

"We can grab breakfast first," sabi ko sa kan'ya at ngumiti. "Mamayang 1 p.m. pa naman ang meeting. P'wede ka rin naman umidlip mamaya at gigisingin na lang kita kapag malapit na mag-1 p.m. kung gusto mo."

"Thank you," Rien smiled warmly. "But I'm fine. I used to work and study at the same time, kaya sanay ang katawan ko sa puyat at pagod. Hindi rin ako gutom kaya sasamahan na lang kita."

Bahagya akong napanguso ngunit unti-unting tumango para lang mapapayag siyang pumunta muna kami sa malapit na convenience store. Ang alam ko ay may malapit na Alfamart dito sa mismong building, we can go grab some snacks there.

True to his words, sinamahan lang talaga ako ni Rien bumili ng tinapay at kape na titimplahin namin sa pantry. We were talking about the premise when I brought up my idea, in contrast to the initial idea that they had.

"Okay lang naman sa akin kung magkakatuluyan silang dalawa," sabi ni Rien nang pumasok kami sa pantry. He pushed the button of the electric kettle for it to start heating the water.

Binasa ko ang aking labi saka tumango. "Let's say that the writer left the director because he wanted to earn more, at sa abroad 'yon. While the director wanted to stay in the Philippines because she wanted to establish the Philippine cinema. Magka-iba rin sila ng opinion noon. But when they saw each other for the second time, it was a different version of themselves, wiser and more mature. Doon ay napagtantuan nila na baka kaya sila pinaghiwalayan dahil pareho silang mga basag pa, at pareho silang nakakabubog sa isa't isa."

"But we have to pitch this idea to Kiran first," Rien glanced at me. Kumuha siya ng mga baso at siya na ang naglagay ng kape sa mga ito.

My eyes were drawn on his actions. Acts of service yata ang love language n'ya. Napatitig ako sa kan'yang braso, I could only see his hands but woah. . .his veins were very manly. Ilang beses akong napakurap.

"Nananakal ka ba, Rien?" kuryosong tanong ko.

"Gago?" Halakhak n'ya at tumingin sa akin na para bang may sinabi akong mali. "Nacia?"

"Your veins are visible. . .dahil 'yan saan?" tanong ko sa kan'ya. Hindi ba dahil sa pananakal? I mean, people usually say 'choke me' when they see hands with protruding veins. Dapat ba sabihin ko rin 'yon kay Rien? I should have researched it more.

He put my cup, filled with coffee, right in front of me and sipped on his black coffee. "Gym. I usually go there when I have time, siguro tatlong beses sa isang linggo? Baka kaya gano'n. You're very observant though?"

Ngumiti ako sa kan'ya. "I get that a lot! Pero kadalasan ay mga walang kwentang bagay naman ang nakikita ko. I don't really think it's a skill that I should be proud of."

"It's good that you're observant, magagamit mo 'yan bilang isang manunulat," he said then nodded. "As writers, we should be aware of our surroundings. Doon din kasi tayo nakakapulot ng mga bagay na isusulat. The more that we explore, the more words easily flow. Kaya nga kapag stagnant na tayo. . .we need to unwind."

I sipped from my coffee as I nodded in agreement. "Oo, kasi lahat naman tayo ay nauubusan din talaga ng creative juices. Hindi rin p'wedeng nakakalimutan natin na may buhay tayo sa labas ng mundong nililikha natin."

I exhaled after taking a sip of caffeine. Imbis na kabahan ako ay lalo lang akong naging ganado sa gagawin ko. I like the rush that caffeine gives me.

The corners of his lips lifted. "You like coffee?"

"I do," I smiled at him. "Ikaw ba?"

"I used to work as a barista," sagot n'ya sa akin. "When I had to intern. Kaya marunong ako gumawa ng mga kape. It's. . .kinda cute that you're already happy with your 3-in-1 coffee. Some of the customers that I had served had bleak expressions even when they ordered the most expensive one on the menu."

Umawang naman ang labi ko sa narinig mula sa kan'ya. "Gano'n ba? Then. . .are you working for a coffee shop now?"

Umiling siya sa akin. "HRM ang tinapos ko, I'm pretty much working with any hospitality establishments. Pero ngayon ay sa East Drive ako nagb-bartending."

"East Drive?" ulit ko at nanglaki ang mga mata. That bar is known and a bit elusive. Mahal ang mga table roon at naalala ko na naman tuloy na nauto si Kiran ni Ruby na magpa-party roon.

Tumango siya. "Yup. Pero, hawak ko ang schedule ko roon. I can work or I can ditch. The owner's pretty laidback. . .halos kasingedad lang natin."

"Si Eastre. . ." pagkaalala ko. "Tama ba?"

"Are you a fan?" Ngumisi si Rien at sumimsim sa kan'yang kape.

Umiling ako. "Hindi! Parang. . .kilala lang talaga siya. Some of my friends are actually his fans, though. Pero hindi ko pa kasi talaga siya napapanood o ano."

I wasn't chronically online. Kung nasa social media man ako, kadalasan ay nakikibalita lang ako sa mga kaibigan ko o di kaya ay nagbabasa ng mga online articles.

"He has a lot of billboards so his face is pretty much out there," sabi ni Rien sabay lapag ng kan'yang baso. "I can make you coffee next time, a real one."

Napakurap-kurap ako. "Talaga ba? Hindi ba. . .masyadong hassle sa 'yo 'yon?"

"Hindi naman," he shrugged. "I'll give you better coffee next time."

Matapos namin mag-coffee break at kumain ng kaunting tinapay ay bumalik na kami sa conference room. Malapit na mag-1 p.m. pero wala pa ring taong dumarating dito.

Halos mag-2 p.m. na nung nagsidatingan sila.  They were visibly shocked, their eyes widening and their lips unclasped. Unti-unti nilang binuksan ang glass door ng conference room.

"Nandito ka pala, Cio," someone said among the people who went inside. "Hindi ka nagsabi sa amin edi mas inagahan sana namin."

Wow.

They totally ignored me.

They treated me like I was invisible, like I was just occupying space beside Cio. Halos manglamig ang buong katawan ko, I could feel my pulse going hysterically. Nagagalit ako. Gusto ko silang bulyawan. Pero hindi ko magawa. Wala namang rason para magalit. . .they simply made me feel my place in this room.

"You're late," walang pakundangan sabi ni Rien. "Kung aagahan n'yo dahil nandito ako, nakakahiya naman dahil kanina pa kami nandito. Wala ba kayong basic work etiquette?"

Humalakhak ang kausap ni Cio. "We had a lunch out, kaya naman na-late nang kaunti. We're still open to listening to your ideas before we pitch it completely to Kiran and to the studio itself. Alam naman namin na kapag ikaw ang nagsulat, it's basically given that it's approved already."

Rien scoffed. Halata na dismayado siya sa ginawa ng mga kasamahan namin sa proyekto na ito. I think the one we're talking to is the project manager, si Brian. Alejandro's the manager on Kiran's side, at iba naman ang nago-oversee para sa aming mga writers.

"Can we start?" sabi ko sa mahinang boses.

Brian shrugged. Iminumwestra n'ya ang mga upuan upang makaupo na ang iba pa n'yang mga kasama. All of them were professionals but they had smug looks on their faces. Ang ilan sa kanila ay pamilyar. . .nakita ko pa nga yung dalawang naguusap tungkol sa akin no'ng isang araw.

I took a deep breath.

It's okay, Nacia! I just have to present my ideas coherently and they'll see my point. Pumunta na ako sa harap. I manipulated my laptop to connect it to the projector and played my powerpoint to present.

"Hello everyone, I'm Nacia, one of the head writers for this movie project. I'm here to introduce the initial draft of our premise, which we're hoping to write as soon as it is approved," panimula ko habang ngiting-ngiti.

Someone yawned in the crowd. Agad na sumitsit si Brian pero humalakhak din siya kaya naman may mga natawa rin. My face. . .slowly lost its color. Si Rien naman ay agad itong sinipat ng tingin, a look that could slice them up, it was too piercing.

"B-bale, we're going with Act Off Script as its title—"

"Bakit Act Off Script?" Manuel raised their concern, their voice slightly high pitched. "Wala namang artista d'yan ah."

"I don't think it's appropriate din eh," Tomas voice out. "Para sa akin kung tungkol sa isang writer at director 'yan, parang di connected."

Brian nodded languidly. "Sana tulad na lang ng The Script of Us. Gawin na lang kaya nating The Movie of Us? Tutal mukhang dupe naman ito ng gawa ni Sir Pablo Bello."

Natawa yung mga tao na kasama namin sa loob, the ones who were not laughing were Rien and I. Nanatili akong tahimik habang dismayado naman ang mukha ni Rien dahil sa nagiging daloy ng usapan.

"The title came from the director itself," Rien said sharply. "Kung may problema kayo roon, si Conjuanco ang kausapin n'yo."

The voices inside the conference slowly faded, like how the sun slowly rises down to make way for the silence of the night. Tumikhim si Brian na tila ba natauhan.

"Oh. . .maybe there's a hidden meaning behind it," Brian said. "We actually like the title. Mas mapapaisip yung mga manonood kung bakit gano'n ang title."

My heart clenched inside my chest. Kanina, parang pinagkakaisahan nila ang ideya dahil akala nila ay akin 'yon. Now, they're kissing the idea's toes just because it's Kiran's?

"And how can you say that this is a dupe of The Script of Us? Edi sana ni-remake na lang namin 'yon," Rien smirked, but he was obviously pissed off.

Brian and the others were put to silence. Minabuti ko na lang magsimula mula upang humupa ang tension sa pagitan namin. I have to finish this presentation so I. . .can give a report to Kiran.

Hinayaan naman nila ako tapusin ang presentation, but I opened the idea of having a happy-ever-after ending and all of them seemed to be displeased. Lumilingon sila sa isa't isa na tila ba hindi makapaghintay na tanungin ako.

"I'm sorry," Brian raised his hand to voice out his opinion. "Pero ang pagkakaalam namin ay hindi dapat sila magkakatuluyan."

I cleared my throat. "Ah, yes! That's the initial premise but I'm pitching an idea that the two of them would find love for the second time—"

"Is this your idea?" Toma's eyebrows shot up.

Tumango ako.

"Kaya pala pangit," someone whispered but it pierced my ears right away.

"With all due respect, Ms. Nacia. We're aiming to make a blockbuster here. Ang napagusapan namin kasama ang director ay magiging tearjerker itong movie na ito. Director Kiran approved of it already," si Brian na umiiling pa. "I don't think you can just change the plot just because you're one of the writers."

"I mean. . .sasabihin ko pa lang naman," mahinang sambit ko. "I just want to make it different this time."

"Different doesn't always sell," sagot ni Brian. "Ang mga pinoy ay mahilig sa mga madamdaming pelikula. Kaya nga sobrang haba ng pila sa mga pelikula na nakakaiyak at emosyonal. What will make 'Act Off Script' apart from the cliché romance movies?"

Hindi ako nakasagot, because I know they have a point. Rien looked at me like he wanted me to fight for my idea. . .but I fell short of words, tulad ng palaging nangyayari sa akin.

I smiled sadly.

"Right, let's stick with the initial premise."

The presentation was finished with a lot of interference from them. Palaging si Rien ang bumabara sa kanila. They mostly just interfered when it's my idea; pero kapag kay Rien o kay Kiran naman ang galing ang ideya, they don't say anything anymore.

I feel like I was someone they didn't respect, or even showed appreciation for. I stayed up late to create a presentation, woke up early, and exhausted myself with constant work just so they could ignore my hard work.  I didn't even get any 'thank you' for it.

There's a nagging voice ringing inside my head that I should be doing more at this age. . .but I'm constantly stuck in a limbo; I couldn't move past another direction. Kaya siguro kahit pagod na pagod na ako. . .hindi ko ramdam na umaalis ako sa lugar kung saan ako galing. I was like walking in a circular motion.

I walked downstairs, not taking the lift and prepared to hail a cab. Pero namataan ko si Rien na paalis na rin. I saw him riding a big bike. . .he really surprises me every time. Lumingon siya sa akin, he probably felt my lingering stare.

"Pst," he called me over. "Uwi ka na?"

Tumango ako. "Oo sana. Ikaw ba?"

He shrugged. "Work."

"East Drive?" I said.

He bobbed his head then got another helmet from his compartment. "Yeah. Sama ka?"

Ilang beses akong kumurap, with all the pressure and disappointment that I got earlier. . .I probably needed a drink.

"Sure," I said, then walked towards him.

"Got it," he said, then handed me a helmet. "Sakay."

I put the helmet on but I struggled to clasped it. Pinanood ako ni Rien, at unti-unting naglaro ng ngiti sa kan'yang labi.

"You don't know how?"

"No. . ."

Rien gently clasped it for me, his cold fingers accidentally touching my chin.

"There you go," si Rien sabay ngiti nang tipid.

I blinked then smiled at him. Ilang segundo nanatiling nakatitig si Rien sa akin bago siya nag-iwas ng tingin.

"Buksan ko lang yung makina. . ." mahinang sabi n'ya.

I nodded. I opened my phone to scroll across my feed as he opened the engine first. Sakto namang dumaan sa akin ang account ni Rien—bilang si tocrescent. He posted something a few minutes ago, siguro no'ng pagkatapos ng meeting namin.

cio @tocrescent
may we forgive ourselves for the times we faltered and let our light dimmed. when we couldn't listen to our own thunders and believed the whisper of others.
because you're trying your best—even when it's the hardest thing to do; appreciate yourself more.