chapter dedicated to aevi, emchae, cess and jhay :)

Chapter 21
. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

I thought I was meant for greater things and I thought that by following what I thought I was good at. . .I would eventually find my purpose in this world; hindi pala gano'n ang tunay na mundo. Hindi pala ako nito hahayaan huminga kahit gaano ako kapagod. Hindi ako nito hahayaan maghilom kahit gaano kalalim ang mga sugat. Hindi ako nito hahayaan maging masaya nang hindi nararamdam ang hangganan ng lungkot.

I played with the sand on my feet as I walked through the seashore. Iniisip ko kung para ba talaga sa akin ang pagsusulat? Ang tagal ko na rin sa industriya pero bakit. . .parang nagsisimula pa rin ako? I have a few of my peaks, but I always feel inadequate to be great in this industry.

Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang magtagal dito. The only reason I'm still writing is because I have bills to pay, but the passion that I had for it was long lost already. Para na lang itong laruan na naka-display para ipaalala sa akin na naging mahilig ako rito noon.

My eyes stung as I thought about it. I used to be optimistic and hopeful. Kutyain man ako ng lahat, ipagtatanggol naman ako ng pagsusulat. Iwan man ako ng lahat, mauuwian ko ang pagsusulat. Talikuran man ako ng lahat, nand'yan ang pagsusulat para sa akin.

Kaya akala ko hindi ko kaya iwanan ang pagsusulat; it was the sole reminder that I was needed in this world. Yet, it's slowly turning into the dust of the past, I could no longer see myself writing for a long time.

Baka nga ito na ang huling beses na magsusulat ako. Para makabawi man lang kay Kiran. Pagkatapos nito ay titigil na rin ako. Hihinto na ako sa pangarap na mukhang ako lang din ang naniniwala.

"Athanacia."

Napalingon ako sa tumawag sa akin. Rien had his hands on the pockets of his beach shorts. Nakatanaw siya sa akin dahil medyo malayo ang agwat naming dalawa.

"Hmm? Ano 'yon?" I tried to smile and fought against the direction of the wind, my hair was dragged by its strength so I had to bow down a bit.

"Kakain na," he said.

I nodded once again and traipsed towards his direction. Naka-simpling puting sando at brown shorts lang ako, pero nagsuot na lang din ng balabal dahil medyo malamig ang simoy ng hangin ngayon.

"Do you have any input towards the plot of the script?" tanong sa akin ni Rien. "Kung di lang dahil sa malaki ang bayad sa akin, iisipin kong gumagawa lang si Kiran ng love story n'ya. A director and a writer. . .parang The Script of Us."

Malaki ang bayad sa kan'ya? Lalo akong nanglumo. . .I knew I was here to just guide him but I was sure I would be lucky to be paid half the amount of what they gave to him. It must be nice. . .to already have proven yourself in an industry that you've loved for a long time—bagay na hindi ko pa nagagawa.

And The Script of Us. . .

A familiar pang inside my chest happened when he uttered the first story that I've written as a script. The Script of Us was the official title of the script that I sold to Sir Pablo Bello. Magmula noon ay hindi na kami nagkausap pang muli. Hindi ko rin alam kung kaya ko pa siyang pakisamahan matapos ang pangyayari na 'yon.

"You like the movie?" I managed to tilt the direction of our conversation.

"Maganda naman . .pero malayo sa mga naunang sinulat ni Pablo Bello," he shrugged off. "I mean. . .the lines felt fresh like blooming flowers. Hindi gano'n ang style n'ya eh, but maybe he changed it for the movie? Hindi ko rin alam. Ikaw ba?"

"Hindi ko pa 'yon napapanood," I smiled sadly at him.

I refused to bring all the pain at once. Alam ko na hindi pa kaya ng puso kong tanggapin na pinakawalan ko ang storyang binuo ako. . .at nagsawak sa akin. It was also a reminder of how much I loved Kiran. . .and how awful I was to hurt the only person who stayed despite my hurtful words and my harsh treatment.

"We can watch it together. . ." Rien drawled then slowly tilted his head to face me. "If you want."

Gwapo pala talaga siya. His hair was way shorter, almost in a buzz cut. Katamtaman lamang ang balat n'ya at halos hanggang balikat lang n'ya ako.

I moistened my lips. "Sige, kapag may oras tayo."

Movies. . .reminded me of Kiran. Whenever a film rolls, I remember his slow breathing whenever my head was against his chest as we watched on his sofa. It was as if he was part of every film I'd watch, from the title card to rolling of credits. It was hard to finish films after I lost him.

Pumunta na kami sa restaurant kung saan sila nag-order ng mga pagkain. Sisig, bulalo, ginataang isda, inihaw na liempo, lechong manok, at kanin ang inihain para sa amin. The last remaining seats were for Rien and me. Inusog muna ni Rien ang upuan para sa akin at pinauna akong umupo bago siya umupo sa tabi.

I faintly caught Kiran's intense gaze with our movements. Nakita ko kung paano n'ya rin mabilis na iniwas ang tingin n'ya sa dako namin.

"Sabi ko sa 'yo eh," Rien huskily chuckled on my ears. "Crush ka nga."

I looked at him and glared. "Hindi nga."

"Nawalan na yata ng gana kumain kasi sabay tayo pumunta rito," Rien shrugged off as he watches over Kiran.

"Baka ikaw ang crush," I huffed silently.

"Yeah, whatever, di ko siya type," pabalang na sabi ni Rien pabalik.

Natawa ako kaya naman napalingon sila sa amin. I coughed to cover up my laughter. Ngumisi si Rien nang makitang bigla akong nanahimik.

"P'wede na ba mag-pray bago kumain?" anyaya ni Mineth. "Ipagdarasal ko na lang din yung katabi ko."

Lumingon si Kiran na katabi ni Mineth ngayon. His brows met in the middle of his forehead and he was obviously offended.

"Na sana successful ang magiging unang pelikula mo," palusot ni Mineth at bahagyang natawa.

Nanatiling blangko ang reaksyon ni Kiran. Kaya naman lalo akong napanatag na wala na talaga siyang nararamdaman para sa akin. Kung mayroon man, alam ko naman na galit lang 'yon.

I refused to believe that Kiran still has romantic feelings for me. Alam ko kung paano n'ya ako sinubukan habulin at kung paano siya napagod. Maybe what Rien sees are just fragments of what it used to be. Hindi maiwasan na kumirot ang puso ko nang maisip na hindi na p'wedeng mabalik sa dati ang isang basag na salamin. . .gaya ng hindi ko na kayang ibalik ang pagmamahal ni Kiran para sa akin.

"Gusto mo ba ng kanin?" tanong ni Rien sa aking tabi.

I tilted my head to his direction. "Ah, sige."

I was a bit surprised when he served me some rice. Hindi ako sanay na may naghahain para sa akin pero siguro ay sanay lang si Rien sa ganito. He does look like. . .he's domestic. Para bang sanay sa gawaing bahay, even when he has the typical looks of a snob.

"Anong ulam mo?" tanong ni Rien sa akin. "Gusto mo ba nung isda?"

"Ah, ako na!" Nahihiya kong sabi at umiling-iling.

"Mas malapit kasi sa akin yung isda," he uttered and pointed towards the dish. "Ikukuha na lang kita kung gusto mo."

"It's okay," I said, then shook my head. "Okay na ako sa sisig."

Mas malapit yung sisig kay Kiran. Sinipat ko ito at nakitang halos kumakain na ang lahat maliban kay Kiran. He was just staring at his plate, blangko pa rin ang reaksyon. Tumikhim naman ako. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipapaabot yung ulam sa kan'ya.

"Sisig ang gusto mo, Nacia?" Mineth said while chewing her food, inabot n'ya ito at agad namang lumingon si Kiran sa direksyon ko.

Napalunok ako nang wala sa oras. Did he notice? Baka isipin n'yang nagpapapansin ako sa kan'ya. Gusto ko lang naman talaga ng sisig.

"Thank you," sabi ko nang inabot na ni Mineth ang sisig sa akin.

"Hindi ka pa ba kakain, Kiran?" tanong sa kan'ya ni Mineth. "Ayaw mo ba yung mga ulam? P'wede pa naman mag-order ng iba."

"Busog pa ako," tipid na sabi ni Kiran.

Paano siya nabusog kung wala pa siyang kinakain? I scoffed to myself. What an excuse! Pero totoo bang nawalan siya ng gana kumain dahil nakita n'yang sabay kaming pumasok ni Rien?

"Nabusog siya sa selos," Rien chuckled.

Hindi ko sinasadyang nasiko siya dahil sa kan'yang sinabi.  Kiran's eyes went in our direction. Kung titingnan ay para kaming naghaharutan ni Rien sa lamesa kaya naman nangunot agad ang noo n'ya. My lips parted and I wanted to explain that it isn't like that. . .pero bakit naman ako magpapaliwanag 'di ba?

Ano ba kami? Mag-ex lang naman.

Natapos ang hapunan nang hindi ginagalaw ni Kiran ang plato n'ya. Umangat ang pag-aalala sa dibdib ko dahil kung di siya kumain. . .baka magutom siya mamaya. I knew that they were also doing a quick view of the entire island. Pagod din siguro siya sa paglalakad at paggawa ng concept para sa magiging pelikula n'ya.

Hindi ako mapakali kahit nasa kwarto na kami ni Mineth. Pansin ni Mineth ang pagiging balisa ko. I kept on walking back and forth. Ano kaya ang magandang sabihin kay Kiran? Maybe he's on a diet? It would be rude to force him to eat. Pero hindi naman siguro magiging masama kung dadalhan siya ng pagkain.

"Saan ka pupunta?" tanong sa akin ni Mineth nang mapansin na pumunta ako sa banyo upang magpalit ng damit.

"Bibili lang ako ng pagkain. . .para mamayang midnight snack," palusot ko sa kan'ya. Ngumiti rin ako para hindi n'ya masyadong makita ang pagaalala sa mukha ko.

"Samahan kita?" Akmang tatayo siya pero agad akong umiling sa kan'ya.

"H-hindi na! Malapit lang 'yon eh, magdadala rin ako ng cellphone," I raised my phone to show it to her, na dala ko naman ito.

"Ingat ka ah, mag-text ka kung may weird kang napapansin o kung may sumusunod sa 'yo. Madilim pa naman na," she said.

I nodded. "D'yan lang naman ako sa malapit na convenience store."

Nagsuot lang ako ng balabal at lumabas na para sumakay ng elevator. My chest was heaving as I counted the floors going downwards. Wala akong nakasabay kaya naman mas lalong napuno ng mga haka-haka ang natitirang espasyo sa isip ko.

When the elevator opened, my eyes widened upon seeing a familiar person. Umangat ang tingin n'ya sa akin. My heart pounded against my chest. It felt like the first time that I saw him; the familiar glow and his ethereal face took my breath away.     

"Kiran. . ." I spoke, almost like a whisper.

"Gabi na," he replied and gazed at me coldly. "May pupuntahan ka pa ba?"

"Ah, oo," I gulped down the bile on my throat. "Sa malapit lang na convenience store."

He looked at his wrist watch before his eyes met mine again. "Samahan na kita. Madilim na para maglakad ka pa mag-isa."

I hedged but I also thought that this would be a good excuse for me to give him some food to eat. Kung sasamahan n'ya ako ay magkakaroon ako ng rason para ilibre siya ng pagkain. Kaya naman unti-unti akong tumango.

"Thank you," mahinang banggit ko at lumabas na ng elevator.

Wala siyang naging tugon pero sinabayan n'ya ang paglalakad ko palabas ng hotel na tinutuluyan namin. I looked at his outfit, naka-dark green siyang t-shirt at brown na cargo shorts. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasan isipin na mukhang hindi pa siya matutulog. Pero anong ginagawa n'ya sa lobby kanina? 

I wanted to ask him but I feel like I had no right. Malapit lang naman yung convenience store kaya naman nakarating kami roon agad. He opened the door for me and the air from the air condition immediately welcomed us.

Pumunta ako sa mga chichirya at kumuha ng ilang mga paborito ni  Mineth. I wanted to ask Rien if he wanted some chips but I feel like it would be binge eating if I took a lot of snacks here. Kaya naman namili na lang ako ng mga maliliit lang para maraming pagpipilian.

Nakita kong kumuha si Kiran ng probiotic drink. I wanted to ask why but in the end my tongue was once again knotted into silence. Patago akong kumuha ng sandwich para kay Kiran, iaabot ko na lang ito mamaya bago kami bumalik sa hotel. Nagulat ako dahil siya na naman ang nagbayad ng mga pinamili ko at nagbuhat ng paper bag para sa akin.

"T-thank you," I said as I bowed down a bit.

Hindi siya sumagot sa akin.

We walked in silence as our feets were dipped in the sand. Akala ko ay sa hotel pa siya magkakaboses pero nagulat ako nang bigla siyang magsalita.

"Sorry," he uttered, his tone sounded like he was guilty.

"A-ano?" Lumingon ako sa kan'ya. My heart was not cooperating at all. "Para saan?"

"In the conference room, I told you to not fuck this up. . .when I know that you've always been passionate when it comes to writing. It was wrong to say that, kaya gusto kong mag-sorry," he said as he glanced me at me.

"Ah. . .wala 'yon," I tried to smile. "Naiintindihan ko naman kung sakaling galit ka sa akin."

His gaze hardened. "Hindi ako galit sa 'yo."

"What happened between us—"

"Are all in the past already," he coldly cut me off. "Hindi ako galit sa 'yo, Nacia."

"W-well, you should be," my voice cracked as I looked at him. "After all, I knew that it would hurt you but I still did it. Kinuha pa rin namin yung pera ng tatay mo."

"You needed it that time. . ." Kiran's voice faltered. "And I knew that you wouldn't even consider it if only the situation wasn't tight. Mali rin ako dahil magkaiba tayo ng sitwasyon. I could think of other ways because I had other options; you were left with only that choice. Magka-iba talaga tayo ng mundo, Nacia."

"Nasaktan kita," napapaos kong saad habang nakatitig kay Kiran.

Kiran gazed at me. "And it was all worth it. I didn't feel the pain when I was with you. You were indeed the good days, Nacia. I am grateful to experience a life with you even if it was fleeting."

The pain stung my eyes. Unti-unting tumulo ang mga luha sa aking mga mata. I don't know. . .but the guilt was now much more pronounced. Nanunuot ang sakit hanggang sa buto ko dahil alam ko naman na may karapatan siyang masaktan. . .pero bakit parang matagal na n'ya akong napatawad kahit hindi pa ako humihingi ng tawad?

"S-sorry," I struggled to find the words to say. I was a writer but right now, no words can explain the deep resentment I had for myself for hurting someone like Kiran. "I'm really sorry, Kiran."

"Don't blame yourself too much," Kiran said and a small smile tugged on the corners of his lips. "I just hope that we can finally see your work on the screen."

Ngumiti rin ako habang unti-unting bumabagsak ang luha sa aking pisngi. We silently went inside the lobby, my heart was pounding inside my chest. Emotions were swirling within me. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang unang emosyon ang dapat kong maramdaman.

"Kiran!" Someone called Kiran which made him put the paper bag on one of the couches in the lobby.

Napalingon ako sa tumawag sa kan'ya. It was the same girl from before. This time, she was wearing a leather jacket with a statement shirt beneath and white shorts.

"Nagbyahe ka mag-isa?" Kiran hissed at her. He examined the woman thoroughly. "You could have called. Kanina pa ako naghihintay rito sa lobby."

Oh.

Kaya pala siya nandito sa lobby kanina dahil may hinihintay siyang babae. My throat felt like it was closing because it tightened. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman nang malaman 'yon.

"Gutom na nga ako," she pouted then looked around. "Bukas pa ba yung restaurant nila?"

"I had some takeouts at our room," Kiran replied, oblivious that I was still behind him. "Alam ko kasi na hindi ka na naman kakain mag-isa kaya hinintay na lang kita para sabay tayo kumain."

The woman chortled. "Gago ka talaga! Gugutumin mo pa sarili mo para may kasabay ako kumain?"

"I'd rather starve than know that you won't eat because you're alone again," Kiran scowled at her. Napailing lang yung babae at bahagyang natawa.

Napayuko ako nang wala sa oras. Napatingin ako sa binili kong sandwich. . .sana mahilig sa sandwich si Mineth o Rien. Kung hindi naman, ako na lang kakain nung sandwich na binili namin. He purposely didn't eat earlier because he wanted to eat with her.

He knew the feeling of eating alone so he didn't want anyone to feel the same loneliness.

"Ay," the woman gasped upon noticing my presence. " Hello po pala."

Our eyes met and once again, I felt intimidated by her beauty. Mahabang itim na buhok, a well-proportionate face, and a cupid's arrow lips. I tried to smile to greet her but my heart betrayed me. Alam ko sa sarili ko na nilalamon na naman ako ng isang emosyon na wala akong karapatan maramdaman.

Kiran noticed me and awkwardly looked back at the woman. "Sorry, Nacia. Kailangan mo pa ba ng tulong sa pag-akyat nung mga pagkain?"

"H-hindi na," I answered, pilit ginagawang matatag ang boses. "Puro chichirya lang naman 'yan."

"Nacia?" The woman repeated my name.

"One of the writers for the film, si Athanacia," pakilala sa akin ni Kiran. Lumingon siya sa akin upang ipakilala naman yung babae na kaharap namin ngayon. "Nacia, si Agape nga pala, girlfriend ko."