"So, dear, no matter how we part I hold you sweetly in my head." Andria - La Dispute

[15] trembling hands

When I was younger, you could say I had a big imagination. For example, I'd imagine superheroes would come to my window, take me away, and we'd go on amazing adventures. Or I'd climb out my window and go do crazy, fun things. But the more I matured and got older, the less bizarre my imagination would become.

Some would say that's a good thing and some wouldn't. I just saw the reality in life, no superhero was going to come have fun adventures with me nor would I ever leave the house to go on some adventure. On the other hand, Morris was quite a character growing up. He and I were clearly opposites; while I, at a younger age had done, imagined unrealistic things and wished to do fun things like he would do, he never daydreamed about doing any of that because he did do fun things. When he'd sneak off to meet up with his friends and do who knows what, I'd make sure that his window was unlocked and have an alibi ready in case our parents ever suspected anything.

I figured he'd went to parties and hung out with his friends. Luckily, he was never caught in the act. Mainly because of me, but it doesn't matter.

Finally, I could do these things; things Morris had done when he was my age. Nonetheless, the excitement bubbling in me also came with the feelings of anxiousness. It seemed to crawl up my stomach, to my throat, and make me unable to speak.  My hands were sweating again and I kept picking at the skin around my fingers.

The music was loud and the house was big and there was a lot of people here at the party. I didn't pay too much attention to the house, actually. Quite frankly, I didn't want to move from the backseat at all. It was only when Clarity grabbed my shoulder did I finally become alert where I was and what I'd be doing.

"Nolan," she was saying, her fingers digging into my shoulder softly as she looked into my eyes, "you okay? You don't look so good."

I licked my dry lips, "Yeah, of course, let's go." It was better to fake it then face the truth.

It was almost unbearably hot in the house once we stepped in. Soon enough, sweat would be soaking through my clothes and my hair would be matted to my forehead if it stayed this hot. Nina fanned herself and muttered a complaint that I couldn't hear over the music. Multiple people were scrunched together to try to squeeze their way through. I looked to my left and saw a huge crowd of drunk people dancing.

Clarirty and Nina ran off to go dance, leaving Rick and I alone with each other. "Want a drink?" he'd asked as we made our way to the kitchen. Since it was hot in here, I figured I should get a drink to cool off. He poured me a cup of some liquor I didn't know the name of.

It burned my throat badly and I coughed a lot but it was cooler than the hot air inside so it made me feel a bit better.

Rick poured himself another cup full. Smirking, he commented, "First time ever drinking, eh? You like it?"

"It's alright," I said, but didn't take another sip.

"Rick!" called a voice loudly. A lanky twenty year old looking guy came striding towards us.

Rick smiled at the man, "Logan? Hey, man, what's up?"

"Nothing, mate, just hanging out with Brody but I don't know where he went. I saw Jordan earlier, but she must've ran off to dance or something..." Logan trailed off.

He and I made eye contact.

"Oh - hello, I didn't see you there," he apologized.

I shrugged, "It's alright. I'm Nolan. Nice to meet you."

Logan grinned. "Well, it was nice to meet you also. Rick, we should hang sometime. I should probably try to go and hunt Brody or Jordan down."

"Yeah, we should." agreed Rick and I felt like I wasn't wanted in this conversation. "See you later." Logan waved and walked away as Rick and I stayed rooted at the spot.

"Ah, look, there's Nina..." said Rick, a fond smile on his tan face. Nina was laughing with a group of girls now instead of being on the dance floor. I couldn't see Clarity anywhere amongst the group. She was probably dancing still.

"Are you two a thing?" I asked him because I didn't know if Nina and him were or not.

"Um," Rick begins, letting out a shaky laugh, "I -"

Before he could utter any other words, Nina came walking over to us. She smiled lazily at Rick and reached out to grab a piece of his hair that was in dreads, "Wanna go dance?"

"Uh.. Sure, let's go," he grinned at me before they walked off further into the crowd of dancing bodies.

Now I was fully left alone.

I busied myself with filling myself another cup of liquor so I wouldn't look like a complete lame person with not knowing what to do. Two highly intoxicated giggling girls were behind me, waiting to get another drink even though they didn't need it.

"Sorry," I apologize as I turned around to walk away.

"It's fine," the red haired girl giggles, nudging the blonde girl beside her.

"Yeah, perfectly fine," more fits of giggles erupted from them.

I didn't say anything. Instead I kept walking, away from them. If this was what Morris did when he'd sneak off, it seemed like he didn't have a lot of fun since I wasn't. Or maybe he did. Maybe I just wasn't fit for these kinds of things.

I find comfort in the small bathroom I came across at the end of the hall once you went up the stairs. It was empty and silent. I dumped the liquor down the sink. I didn't want to get drunk. My parents would go crazy if I came home drunk. And I didn't want that.

I sat down, my back against the door. I let my mind wonder to the thought of what Clarity must be doing right now. Was she dancing and having fun? Or in an empty room, alone like me?

Also, did she come to parties often? Now that I think of it, I honestly didn't even know her as much as I'd like.

I wondered if she was okay right now. Was she having loads of fun as she danced and drunk alcohol?

I was starting to regret ever coming here. Honestly, if this party were to be busted by the cops and Morris be there....

I stood up abruptly and opened the door and walked out. I'd find her and tell her I was going to leave so she wouldn't worry.

I made it down the stairs quickly and ventured into the crowd. I looked around at all the people enjoying themselves and laughing and dancing and drinking.

I looked around, my eyes searching for the gray eyes I yearned to look into. I saw Rick and Nina, hand in hand, walking away from the dancing crowd.

"Nolan," said Nina once they had reached me. Nina's make up was smudged under her eyes a little and her hair was getting frizzy, but she still looked as good as she had before. Beads of sweat had formed on Rick's forehead, but a lazy smile was on his face. "If you're looking for Clarity, last I saw her she was getting herself a drink in the kitchen."

Before I could thank them or tell them I'd be leaving soon, they walked up the steps together.

I found Clarity where they had said she was at. She was sitting on top of the counter, swinging her legs as she drunk out of the cup. Her hair was still down, falling around her like waves in an ocean.

She was staring off in space, in her own world. And I so desperately wished to be there with her, travel the unknown with her in that beautiful mind of hers. "Um, hey," I said, standing beside her. Her eyes came back to focus, leaving the world she was once in, and came back to reality.

"Hey," she said softly.

"Um, I think I'm just gonna head home now," I said, and didn't meet her eyes. I didn't want to see her look of disappointment.

"Well, well," My eyes met hers. "The party's only begun. Why leave so soon?"

"It's just," I bit my lip and breathed inwards, "I guess I'm not having fun, or something. I just.. I don't belong here, Clarity."

She sighed and jumped down from the counter to look at me straight in the eyes. "Nolan, you will always belong."

I couldn't quite believe her words right now.

"Look," she said after a moment when I didn't say anything. "If you seriously wanting to go, I can take you home."

She had that look on her face like she had a plan brewing in her mind.

"And if I don't really want to go?"

"Then," she took a step closer, so close I could feel her hot breath as she continued to speak, "I'll make you feel like you belong."

"How would you do that?" I asked.

Clarity took my hand, and pulled me all the way into the dancing bodies before I could protest.

°°°

Somehow I ended up dancing with her, in the crowd of bodies I didn't know the faces of, and I didn't care how late it was or when I'd be back home from the party at because I was beggining to have the most fun I've ever had in a really long time. And Clarity was smiling the most beautiful smile I've ever seen her wear and I guess I was smiling back because my cheeks were starting to hurt.

Eventually, when the dancing became too much, we escaped the dancing crowd to get cooler air. Once we were outside, I let out a throaty laugh. I wasn't drunk, I knew that much, but I felt like I was high on my happiness.

We both plopped down on the grass, in the middle of the front yard. The grass was a little wet with dew, but it didn't matter.

I sat up and turned to thank her. I wanted to thank her for dancing with me, for the way I broke out of my comfort zone, and the way I became a different person around her.

And somehow I guess she knew what I was going to say because she sat up, saw the look on face, whatever it might be, and put a finger to my lips to silence my words before they even came out.

I stared back at her, hoping my eyes would tell her all the words I yearned to tell her. Then I was no longer looking into her eyes, I wondered if I could tell her the words I wouldn't be able to say with my lips...

And maybe she was caught up in the moment, our small moment, because her lips, her beautiful lips, connected with mine.

It wasn't a kiss that made my world freeze up, it didn't make it feel like the people and things around us had disappeared. Instead it made me aware that there was a party inside the house and people were laughing and dancing and drinking. Clarity kissing me made me aware of everything. It made me realize it was real; this kiss was real.

Her kissing me made my hands tremble, made my heart beat faster than it was when we were dancing, and my body feel like it was on fire.

Her hands were running through my hair, and my hands were trembling at my sides. "Kiss me back, Nolan," she murmured as her lips detached from mine so she could speak. Then she whispered so low, I barely even caught it, "Please, make me feel something,"

But I obeyed, and kissed her back, and I felt like I was finally soaring.

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a little while, but I hope this update makes up for it

Questions:

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Hope you all have a great day/night!