Chapter 33

Waking up in that bedroom was surreal. It felt safe and good, yet also too new and uncertain. I left Asa asleep and snuck into the hallway, to the bathroom. I washed my face and when I was finished, back in the hallway, I heard someone talking down the hall.

   "He was in some trouble, and in a detention centre until a month ago," the woman was saying.

   "Yes, but he's been doing great. The P.O. said he's expecting no trouble from him," a man's voice continued.

   Obviously, they were talking about my brother. I realized then that it was going to be harder than I thought for Asa to get past this. Was he always going to be the kid who had been in Juvie? Would people be able to see him as Asa, a smart, funny teenage boy and let him prove himself? 

   "Does she want to be his guardian when she turns eighteen?" the woman asked. "I mean, she'd be giving up a lot."

   I didn't wait to hear the answer because I went back into the bedroom and shut the door. What they didn't know was that I'd already given up a lot. And I'd do it again, for Asa. I would have done anything for him.

   Asa kept quiet all day, but he did as he was told. He washed dishes after the meals and sat next to me that afternoon in "group", which was the entire household sitting together, plus two social workers - Mary included. We were supposed to ask questions or talk about what we were feeling.

   I had a lot of feelings. I knew that Asa did, too. I listened as Kylie talked about how she was missing her sister, who died two years ago. She explained that her mom went crazy after her sister died, so she was taken from her and put into foster care. Maxine spoke about how she was looking forward to Christmas dinner. Peter didn't have much to say, but no one seemed to mind. They really wanted to hear from Asa and I.

   "So, how're you two feeling today?" Mary asked, smiling big.

   I took a deep breath in. "I'm good. I slept well."

   "That's good to hear. Are you worried about your mother at all?"

   "Uh, well, no," I answered slowly.

   "She's never worried about us," Asa piped up, surprising me.

   Everyone was listening, waiting. I didn't know what to say.

   "So, you're both feeling okay about being here?" Mary went on.

   Okay? We weren't okay. We were ripped away from our home, our life, our friends. We were broken. 

   "We're fine," I answered, looking at Asa. "My birthday is in a few weeks."

   "Right," Mary nodded. "We will talk more about that soon."

   I wanted to know more now. I wanted my phone. I wanted - no, needed - to tell Lex that I was here, and, well, okay. I kept thinking about Winston and how I had blindsided him by leaving the party. And not being able to call him now, I wondered if he was worried, or mad, or both.  Winston had been there for me leading up to this, and now I had no idea what was going through his head.

   I put in some laundry that evening, three loads. I half-watched a movie with Maxine and Peter, while Asa sulked in our bedroom. I tried to be okay. I wanted to be. 

   "You'll get your phone on Wednesday," Peter told me. "Not sure about your brother, though."

   "He's allowed to be mad, okay? Things had just gotten good for him, and then this happened," I snapped.

   "Yeah, of course," Peter nodded, forcing a smile.

   "It was different for us, Peter. We've been in this life since we were little," Maxine spoke up.

   "Is it true that your mom never took care of you?" Peter asked. Max smacked him.

   "When we were young, she worked two or three jobs, single mom, and she drank a lot. Always has. We took care of ourselves. Ironic that we ended up in foster care, now..."

   "That is... yeah. Sorry," Peter went on. "Our mom died when Max was born. Our dad was a drug addict and a neighbor called CPS when she was just a couple months old. We lived with our grandparents for two years, then went into the system."

   "Oh, wow." I didn't know what else to say. Their story was worse than mine, but they seemed totally fine.

   Peter shrugged, nudging his glasses up his nose a bit. "Like Max said, that's just our life. It's great here, though."

   Great? Great would have been to be in my bedroom, with Winston. Anywhere with Winston, actually. I shouldn't have left that party. Maybe this wouldn't have happened at all. Maybe if I'd stayed, things would be different. 

   I did get my phone on Wednesday. It was one week until Christmas and Mark and Shelly had decorated around the house. There was a tree in the living room, some presents under it. Shelly loved Christmas music and had been baking a lot, with Maxine. It felt festive and real and yet I felt like an imposter there.

   Asa got his phone, too. And he was in a good mood that day, even though I heard his sad voice while he was talking to Macy that morning. I heard him tell her he was okay. I heard him whispering, telling her not to cry. It just about broke my heart.

   I waited until after lunch to call Lex. He had texted a few times. Winston had, too. I wasn't mad at him anymore; had I ever been mad? I missed him with every ounce of my being. But I was so nervous to hear his voice. So I waited.

   "God, Pen, what's going on? Are you okay?" Lex answered after two rings.

   "I am okay. We are in a foster home, in Brooklyn," I answered, happy to hear his voice.

   "Oh my god. Your mom took off again? Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

   "I... It was just... I'm sorry. I didn't want you to worry."

   "Of course I'd worry. But... that's what friends are for, Pen."

   I sighed. "This is so crazy. The P.O. came to check in and figured out that mom hadn't been around -"

   "But you're okay? How's Asa?" he asked.

   "He's fine. Angry. We got our phones today, so he got to talk to Macy..."

   "I'm glad you and him are together." Lex sounded relieved, if only slightly.

   "Yeah. And Christmas will actually be... good," I admitted. "I mean, they are really nice people and there's some other kids here."

   "Ah, Christmas. How long will you be there? And what about school?" he went on, finally letting it hit him that this was actually happening.

   "Lex, I don't know." I sat down on my bed, dropping my shoulders. "I mean, school's back on the fifth and my birthday is the eighth."

   "They have to let you go to school, right?"

   "Yeah... I hope so," I agreed.

   "Man, four days was a long time to not hear from you," Lex went on. "Oh, have you called Duke?"

   I swallowed hard. "Not yet. Why?"

   "He actually showed up at Lydia's on Sunday. She didn't know what to tell him, so-"

   "He went to Lydia's house? Why?" I wanted to know.

   "He knew that she is dating me, and thought she might know something about you."

   My heart was now pounding in my chest. "So..."

   "Lydia called me. I talked to him. I mean, I only knew what you texted me on Saturday, but -"

   "You talked to him?" I interrupted.

   "He was a mess, Pen. Like, really upset, and he told me you left a party angry on Friday night..."

   I sighed again. "Long story. His mom doesn't like me and he was choosing me over his college money..."

   "Wow."

   "I freaked out, Lex. Like, why would he do that? I'm not..." I let my voice trail off.

   "Pen, you're amazing. Caring, strong. You are an awesome girl, and I admit I didn't think he was good for you, but..." Lex told me, then decided not to finish.

   "Lex."

   "Yeah?"

   "I love him. And he loves me, he told me. But it's so scary," I admitted. "Like, what the hell is happening?"

   Lex out a breath. "Wow. Well, yes, it can be scary. You deserve love, Pen. A lot of it."

   With tears in my eyes, I thanked him and told him I'd call him the next time I could, then hung up. I knew what I had to do, even if I wasn't sure I was ready.