Chapter 29

Winston was awake before me, when my alarm went on at 6:30 A.M. He was dressed and looking at his phone when I opened my eyes.

"Hey," he said, calm but unsure. There was a look in his eyes that I didn't like. "Okay if I drop you off early, so I can get home to change before school -"

"Winston, of course," I told him thought something felt off with how he was looking at me.

Before I could say anything else, he was looking at his phone again. I got dressed quickly and knew I had to go make sure Asa was awake, but I just needed to make sure Winston was okay.

"Everything okay?" I asked, moving towards him.

"Yeah," he snapped. "Fine."

I took in a breath, surprised by this. "Winst-"

"Penelope, don't. It's nothing." His voice was sharp and I stepped back quickly.

I turned and left the room, to the washroom. My heart was racing, knowing he was upset about something. I washed my face and brushed my teeth, then stood there for a few minutes longer, trying to calm myself. When I went back to my room, Winston was gone.

In the kitchen, Asa was eating a bowl of cereal and Winston was standing close by, drinking black coffee. I slipped past them to get a cup from the cupboard, then poured my own coffee, quiet. Everything felt very strange and unknown.

Winston moved towards me, close. He leaned his face in towards my ear, giving me goosebumps. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "My mom is..."

"It's okay," I said quickly.

He still looked concerned, but I felt a bit better knowing he wasn't upset with me. It was his mom that was causing his anger. His mother.

In the school parking lot, half an hour later, Winston was acting a bit off again. Asa thanked him for the ride and got out, but I sat there, hoping things were okay. I wanted us to be okay.

"My mom is on a rampage, Pen," he finally admitted, not looking at me. "I guess she managed to get a background check done you... she's refusing to give me any money-"

"Because of me? Because of my... family?" I asked, knowing the answer.

He hung his head. "I... I don't care about the money, but-"

"Of course you do," I interrupted.

"No, I care about you. I love you, Penelope."

I froze, even though there was so much more to say. My mouth was dry, my body felt like jelly. He looked surprised by his own words, too.

"It's your money... for college," I finally told him.

"I have to go talk to her, after school. But I'm going to tell her..."

"Winston, I'm not worth losing everything," I snapped, pushing the car door open.

"Penelope, wait!" he yelled, trying to reach for me.

I shook my head and got out of his car, not looking back.

My body felt heavy and my head hurt all day. It was almost like I was in a thick fog that just followed me around. When anyone talked to me, I could barely form words to answer. Lex tried to get me to talk in class, and then told Matt to try to talk to me at lunch, but at the end of the day, Lex just followed me outside.

"Pen!" he yelled, though he wasn't far away.

I heard his voice but I couldn't force myself to turn back. Winston hadn't texted all day and I knew I wouldn't be able to calm down until I heard from him. Yes, I'd gotten out of his car that morning upset, but now I regretted it.

"Penelope!" Lex called again, then caught up to me, grabbing my arm.

"What?" I yelled at me, stepping back.

He looked hurt, like I'd told him something awful. But I had changed our relationship. It was my fault we were in a weird place. I had made Winston a priority - I'd made my happiness important. I had done a lot of things, like not telling Lex about my mom. Everything was wrong, now. And it had happened so fast.

"You've been so distant. I need to know that you're okay. Are you?" Lex asked, still grasping my arm.

He looked so different from that fourteen year old, skinny boy who had befriended me without judgement all those years ago. He was almost a man now.

"I'm not," I told him, surprising myself.

"Why not?" he asked, pleading for answers.

"Migraine," I said, which wasn't a lie. "And I have to be at the library in ten minutes."

He kept his eyes on me, then finally dropped his arm back to his side. Nodding, he said, "Okay. Feel better."

I was shocked that he let me go so easily, but I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. I'd been shutting him out of my life so much lately. I texted Winston again, walking the three blocks to work. Asa was going to Macy's house after school, which made me feel a bit better. At least he wasn't going home to an empty house. I was so glad he was welcome at her house and that he was happy.

My phone buzzed just as I approached the library.

MY MOM IS REFUSING TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT.

IM SORRY I LEFT THIS MORNING LIKE THAT, I sent back.

PENELOPE, YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING.

WINSTON.

WHERE ARE YOU? he asked.

LIBRARY.

ILL BE THERE AT 8.

OKAY.

Mrs. Walsh didn't look like her usual happy self when I saw her shortly after arriving. She was walking towards me, her face already telling me she had bad news.

"Penelope, honey," she began, then nudged up her glasses. I took in a breath. "We have to lay everyone off for the winter... the library is just not busy, so we are reducing the hours..."

"When?" I interrupted her, already shaking.

She looked like she might start crying at any moment. "This will be your last week. In the spring we will reevaluate..."

"Okay," I spat out, my hands in fists. "Okay."

"Penelope, I'm so sorry. I would love to give you a reference -"

"Yeah... thanks..." I finished, now feeling like crying myself.

So that was it. After Thursday, I'd have no job. My mom was gone. I was back to just as shitty a life as it was just a few months ago, before I got the job, when Asa was still in the detention centre. I had made the mistake of thinking things were getting better.

Winston's mom didn't like me, didn't want him hanging out with me anymore. And how would I buy food for myself and Asa? How would we get money for the train to get to school, once my money was gone?

I held it together until I was done work, but in Winston's car, I lost it completely. He just drove around and let me cry for a long time. We didn't talk about how I got out of his car that morning. And then we were at my house, and - of course - my mother's car was not.

"I hate her so much," I whispered, my face still tear soaked.

"Yeah. I hate mine too," Winston said back, then kissed my head.

Instead, I called Asa, who told me he would be home soon. I pulled Winston's hand and lead him to my room. I was mad and sad and emotional and scared, but Winston was with me. I was so glad he was.

This time, a few minutes later when we were on my bed, our hands all over each other, he did ask me if I was sure. We had come so close to having sex a few times, but now, now I was sure.

"Yes," I said, my voice low. I was pulling his shirt over his head.

"Penelope, I know you are -"

I kissed him so he couldn't finish the sentence.

"I just... need you," I told him, my eyes closed.

"I love you, Penelope. I mean it," he replied.

Earlier, in his car, I hadn't acknowledged that he had said it. Now, I just felt broken. How could he love me?

"I..." I began, but didn't finish.

He kissed me again, telling me he knew that I loved him, too. I did. But how could I express it? How could I just say it?

He was gentle and sweet and touched me like he might break me if he wasn't careful. He made me feel things I'd never felt before and he made me forget the world and how horrible things were. It was just him and I, that night. And it was perfect.