Chapter 26

"We are so drinking before before the dance," Camilla told her friends in homeroom a few days later.

It was obvious Lex and Lydia hadn't told her about Winston and I, but I wondered why. Why were they keeping my secrets? I wanted to know if they had told anyone. Lydia had been pretty much ignoring me, though, and Lex just wanted to act like none of it had happened at all.

Sam laughed, and agreed, while Lydia glanced at me, then back to Camilla. I knew not to get involved in any conversations with them now. They had included me for that short time, but it wasn't as if they'd miss me once I was cut out. Lydia was going to make sure of that.

In class with Lex later, he asked me about Asa, but that was it. I'd seen Asa in the hall that morning with Macy and another guy, laughing. I really was glad he was doing well and making friends, but there was this weight on my shoulders, a feeling of wondering if everything was going to fall apart. I knew it was partly because of the awkwardness between Lex and I, now. Also, Asa was still upset with me about hiding out the other night.

I had worked both Monday and Tuesday evenings that week, and Winston had showed up both days when the library closed, to drive me home. Monday, my mom was in the kitchen when I went inside. She was quiet, but smiled and said goodnight as I passed through.

On Tuesday, she wasn't home when I got home. It was after 10 P.M. and I knew she should have been home. I tried not to be worried, but it was proving hard. She just seemed to be around less and less all of a sudden. I couldn't just shrug this off. Thankfully, Asa didn't seem to be concerned. He was busy enjoying being a normal teenage boy.

But she wasn't home when we got up to get ready for school the next day, either.

"She probably stayed at Mitchell's," Asa shrugged, eating a waffle a second after it popped from the toaster.

"Without calling?" I questioned. I was more annoyed than upset, really.

"I'm sure she's fine," Asa went on. "We're going to miss the train."

I texted her anyway, on the walk to the train stop.

YOU OKAY?

She didn't reply until half way through the day, and I saw it after school. By then I had forgotten about it, mostly.

FINE. YEAH.

REALLY? YOU JUST DIDN'T COME HOME? I asked back.

WELL, WE BOTH HAVE BOYFRIENDS NOW, PENNY.

I put my phone into my bag, annoyed again. I should have known it wouldn't take long before she was back to only caring about herself and whatever guy she was dating. I mean, I did know this would happen, but I'd tried to pretend things were different now.

By Thursday, I was getting nervous. But not because of my stupid mother. Because I didn't have a dress for the dance. Or shoes. I also didn't know how the dance was going to go, or what the after party would be like. And the worst part was that on Thursday evening, when I got home from school, my mother was asleep on the couch, an empty wine glass on the table and a bunch of empty beer cans on the kitchen counter. I felt like screaming at her, telling her she was a fuck up - but I didn't. I cleaned up the kitchen and left her asleep, and when Asa got home, she was awake, trying to act normal. She knew that I knew, but we didn't talk about it. I just didn't want Asa to know.

When I was in my room later, he knocked on the door.

"Hey... I was wondering... if I pay you back, could you take me to the mall after school tomorrow? I just need a tie -" he was saying as he opened the door.

I let myself smile, relieved he wasn't asking about mom. "Sure, yeah. I need... something, anyway..." I replied, nodding his way.

He looked surprised that I'd agreed so easily. "Okay, sweet. Uh, then I'm going to Macy's, then the dance..."

"Yeah. Will you be able to get home by curfew?" I asked, just now thinking of this.

"Macy's sister already agreed to pick us up from the dance and get me home," he answered, nodding.

"Very responsible," I smiled at him. "I, on the other hand, am not coming home."

"You're staying at your not-boyfriend's house again?" Asa laughed.

"I don't know what he is," I said, shaking my head.

"Why don't you just ask him?" my brother asked, like it was so simple.

"You don't just ask someone that, Asa."

He laughed, loud. "I asked Macy if she wanted to be my girlfriend."

"I'm glad you're good. And happy."

"I'm really good," he finished, before turning and leaving me alone once again.

I CANT WAIT TIL TONIGHT, Winston texted the next morning.

My mom was there, but was drinking coffee and mostly ignored Asa and I as we hurried through, grabbing something to eat on the way out the door. I gave her a look, trying to tell her that I was so disappointed, before I opened my mouth.

"School dance tonight," I said to her, then added, "I won't be home til tomorrow, but Asa will be home for curfew."

She nodded, then grabbed for my arm. "Please don't tell Asa that I..." she whispered to me, leaving it at that.

Asa was already outside, so I pulled my arm away and followed him out.

School was a buzz of excitement about the the dance and the weekend. I sort of just kept quiet and carried on. Even Matt didn't really talk to me about the dance. Lex was in his own world - or his world with Lydia, I guess - and barely said goodbye to me after fifth period. I guess I didn't know what to expect from Lex anymore. He had Lydia and I had Winston, sort of, and we weren't really the same best friends that we were, before.

I went to Asa's locker at the end of the day, where he was talking to Macy and another girl.

"Hey," I said, trying to sound cool.

"Hey Pen," Asa said, smiling at me. To Macy, he said, "See you at your house around six?"

She nodded and then kissed his cheek, and I felt oddly relaxed by the gesture.

We walked to the mall, which wasn't far. It only took about ten minutes. It felt so normal, yet completely strange, to be shopping with my brother. For the past six months he'd been away, and before that he barely spoke two words to me in a day. I found myself looking at him now, really seeing the person he was becoming. Pride. I felt proud of him.

I bought him a tie, and a corsage for Macy. He thanked me a hundred times and said he would figure out how to pay me back. I decided on a short, light blue dress, nothing too fancy, and black flats. Asa said he liked it, which made me feel good. We walked around a bit more after making our purchases, and I just felt like staying there with him, so things could feel that way for a bit longer. So good. So much better.

HEY. WHEN CAN I PICK YOU UP? A text from Winston came in as we walked through the food court, contemplating ice cream.

I smiled, replying. CAN YOU PICK ME AND ASA UP FROM THE MALL BY MY SCHOOL?

OF COURSE. BE THERE SOON.

We dropped Asa off at Macy's - in a similar neighbourhood as Camilla's - half an hour later. Before he got out of the car, I made him promise to be good and get home by curfew.

He grinned at me. "I know, Penelope. You two be good, too."

Winston laughed and then waved as Asa slammed the car door and walked away from us. He was quiet as he drove off towards Chelsea. It was only 5:30 P.M. and the dance didn't start until 7 P.M. I tucked my school bag and the bag from the mall into the back seat where Asa had been, then reached over and slipped my hands into Winston's.

It was such a good feeling, being there in Winston's car with him. I couldn't remember ever feeling that happy before. I wanted to bottle up the feeling, the moments, in case they disappeared. Of course, I was already afraid of the good disappearing.

"So, how long do you need to get ready?" Winston asked suddenly, and I realized he was pulling up to his house already.

"Oh, well, not long," I told him, then added, "I have my dress and shoes here, and my make up is in my school bag."

He smiled at me, this honest, real smile that made me feel tingly and warm inside. I knew I was starting to feel things for him that was much more than friendship, or attraction, even. I didn't really know how to deal with it, though.

I carried my bags as I followed Winston into the house, through the living room and down to the basement. It was warm and smelled good down there, like vanilla candles. The main room was dark, but soon we were in his bedroom, the door closed behind us. I exhaled.

Winston reached for me, his hand grazing my arm, and everything felt different all of a sudden. It was so, so quiet and it was just us, the rest of the world completely blocked out.

"We have an hour... are you hungry?" he asked, his voice a whisper.

I was, but I shook my head. I wanted to stay here in his bedroom for every extra moment that we could.

"I'm going to grab something, I'll get you..." he started, but didn't finish.

I was kissing him before I could stop myself. It was fast and hungry and I couldn't think or breathe, I just wanted him close to me. He abandoned the idea of getting food and lead me over to his bed. I was already unbuttoning his shirt - his private school uniform. I wasn't sure why but I just wanted him. He tossed his shirt and my sweater to the floor and pulled me down on top of him. I ran my hands down his chest and kissed his shoulder, then his neck.

He moaned and wiggled a bit, like he couldn't take it. I looked up at him, wanting to see his face.

"You..." he said, then shut his eyes. "I can't even..."

"What?" I asked, then leaned down to kiss his lips.

"Mm," he mumbled, then somehow pulled me closer. "I want you so bad."

That was all I needed to hear. I wasn't nervous at all as I pulled off my t-shirt and undid my jeans. As I undid his pants, he moaned again and then let me take them off. He didn't have to ask if I was sure, or if I was ready, because I had made it clear that I was. I just wanted him to be a part of me.