10

I was peacefully walking in the street outside of our campus. Nakasuot ako ng white shirt and rubber shoes. Umaambon, basa ang kalsada. I really can't understand myself why am I doing here, walking alone under rain. Hinayaan kong mabasa ako ng maliliit na butil ng tubig na nagmula sa itaas.

I suddenly stopped when I heard a footprint following me. Tumabi siya sa akin at sinabayan ako sa paglalakad. "What are you doing here? I need my privacy," I coldy said.

He didn't listen, he still followed me. "I can't stand seeing you walking alone," he whispered. I tried to ignore him but I couldn't.

I'm looking at him right now. "Kung naawa ka sa akin, then go. I don't need you," kompronta ko.

He's staring at me. Gumalaw ang panga niya. I looked away from his stares. "Why aren't you looking at me? Did you feel uncomfortable?" sunod-sunod na tanong niya.

"I'm uncomfortable every time I stare at you," pagtatapat ko. When we started to get close, I couldn't stand to stare at him. I find it forbidden.

He remained silent but I saw a small line of smile in his lips. I shrugged and walk away. Ramdam ko ang presence niya na nasa likod ko. Naging mabagal ang paglakad ko ng maramdaman ko ang kakaibang pagpintig ng puso ko. Bumigat ang bawat hakbang ko habang nakatanaw sa lalaki na may kasamang babae at naghahalikan.

Dahan-dahan pumihit paharap ang mukha ng lalaki at doon tumigil ang mundo ko. My own father is with his mistress. He's smiling at the women and they walk together inside the restaurant. Napatitig ako ng matagal sa window glass na kakasara lang.

Why? Do we deserve to be betrayed? Is it enough for me and Mom isn't enough for him? So why did he have another woman!

Bumigat ang bawat paghinga ko. Nanlalabo ang mga mata ko. Hindi ko na makita ang paligid. I feel lost. Why do I need to witness my father with someone else?

Umangat ang mukha ko na puno ng luha kay Heewon. Pinatong niya ang suot niyang jacket sa aking ulo. Patuloy pa rin ako sa pag iyak. Hindi ko namalayan na sumandal ang noo ko sa kanyang dibdib. He's just standing and whispering a good things but my mind is stuck for what I saw.

My legs are trembling. He immediately held both of my elbows and hugged me tight. Wala na sa akin kung may makakita kung paano ako umiyak. I just need is let my emotion.

"Shh... it's okay. I'm not leaving you." Nang kumalma na ako saka lang ako humiwalay sa kanya. Hindi ako makatingin sa kanya knowing that I cried in his shoulder. Namamaga na ang mata ko kakaiyak and I don't want him to saw it.

"You don't need to hide your face. Because seeing you is ethereal." Tinakpan ko ng bahagya anh mukha ko gamit ang jacket niya na nakapatong sa akin ulo. Sumilip ako sa butas but he caught me.

"Why did I let myself cry in front of you?" pabulong kong tanong. I lost my strength to speak too much. My mind is still processing everything that happened.

He slightly laughed. "Because you feel comfortable to me?" patanong niyang sagot.

Hindi ako naka sagot. Napatitig ako sa kawalan. How can I go home without crying? Just seeing my father's face made me cry.

Napatitig ako sa kamay niya na may panyo. Kinuha ko ito. Pinunas ko ito sa aking luha. "T-Thank you..." huminga ako ng malalim at magaan na bumuga. Umangat ang ulo ko sa kalangitan. Kakatapos lang ng ulan, napatingin ako sa gilid ng mga bundok. Kita ko ang paglitaw ng bahaghari doon.

Tumagal ang pagtitig ko roon hanggang sa napansin niya iyon. "You know what's the meaning of rainbow?" wala sa sariling napatingin sa kanya. He's looking at it. "Sa bawat problemang dumating lilitaw pa rin ang magandang nangyari, not everything is end up to be tragic, sometimes it became happy ending like the glowing every color of the rainbow."

Pagdating ko sa mansion I saw Dad seating in the sofa. Huminto ang paa ko, na parang hindi na maihakbang. Umangat ang tingin niya sa akin. "I saw your grade, it's good just continued it," he said and back his eyes on the paper he's holding.

Mahigpit ang hawak ko sa aking bag. "I need to go," I said and walk inside my room. May biglang bumara sa aking lalamunan. Sinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa higaan. Nagsimula ng tumulo ang luha hanggang sa mabasa ang aking ibang parte ng mukha ko.

How can he go home if he did a selfish thing? Really? I can still accept it if he's not proud of me but cheating with my Mom is not accepted! Does he not love Mom? But why? My Mom doesn't deserve it!

Niyakap ko ang puting unan. I screaming with pain. My mind starting to think negative. Napahawak ako sa aking buhok at sinabunutan ito. Napahagulgol ako habang iniisip kung anong dahilan kung ba't niya ginawa iyon.

Sumandal ako sa headboard at nakayakap sa dalawa kong tuhod. Ang mga mata ko ay nakatutok sa malayo. "Just kill me dad. I don't want to suffer slowly. I want end my life. I don't want to be with you and your lies." Napasinghot ako ng ilang beses. Habol ang bawat hininga ko. It's already dark and here I am, suffering alone.

I bitterly laughed ng maalala ko kung paano niya pahalagahan si Mommy, the way he look at her and when they were holding hands together. They're almost a perfect couple in the eyes of me but I'm wrong. He doesn't deserve to be titled as a good husband or father. He's evil! He doesn't deserve our love. He's a ruthless and heartless man. I don't want to believe in a man again, I lost my trust.

"I know how he doesn't like me but why does he need to do the same with my mom? She doesn't deserve it. I'm willing to take all of it just so I don't hurt her..."

I wake up carrying a heavy feeling in my chest. Wala akong kibo sa harap ng hapagkainan, nakatitig lang ako sa pagkain ko. Mom slowly put down her spoon and looked at me. "Jixie, honey. Why you're not eating your food?" She asked with care.

Dad looked at me. Iniwas ko ang tingin sa kanya at ibinaba ang hawak kong kubyertos sa lamesa. Bumigat ang dibdib ko. Tumayo ako at tinalikuran sila. Ilang punyal ang tila tumarak sa akin dibdib. I can't stand seeing him, he make me weak not just physical but mentally. "I, I'm okay mom. I just need to take a rest," I manage to speak without making sniffed.

"But you haven't--" I walk away. Mabigat ang bawat yapak na ginawa ko hanggang sa makalayo sa dining area namin. Sumandal ako sa dingding malapit sa hagdan pataas sa aking silid. Sumakit ang aking lalamunan, nag iinit ang ibaba ng aking mata. Hanggang sa hindi ko namalayan na naghahabol na ako ng hininga. I was crying out but no one's hear me. I lost my temperance again...

And night came again. Hindi ako lumabas buong magdamag sa aking silid. I'm hugging myself, trembling. I'm scared for what will happen tomorrow or to another day. Nawalan ako ng gana sa lahat ng bagay. All day I'm dying with my thoughts and overthinks. Anxiety attacked me again but here I am losing myself again.

I want to give up but I still want to feel the freedom that I seek.

Hinawi ko ang luha sa aking pisngi. Nakabalik ako sa ulirat ng narinig ako ng ingay sa aking bintana, someone throwing a stone in my window. Itinaas ko ang bintana and then I saw Heewon. He's wearing his dark blue hoodie. I hugged myself when the cold breeze greeted me.

"Please, just go home..." I weakly said. My lips are dried up. I'm sure that he saw my big dark circle in my eyes. It's already dark all around and the only street light outside in the backyard.

I was about to look back when he said, "Can I take you for a walk? I can't sleep because I'm thinking about you all day if you're completely okay," I saw how concerned he is but I don't have energy to walk.

"I'm not going home not until you're okay." My heartbeat stopped for a second. He's standing in the dark while waiting for me. Why is he still waiting for me there? He's really stubborn.

I went down while wearing my white jacket and sunglasses. I don't want him to see how fluffy my eyes are. I opened the door and walked in his direction. He slowly turned in front of me. My eyes lazily looked at him.

"Why are you wearing sunglasses? It's already night." I thought he would laugh but I was wrong, he's still serious.

I sighed and I was about to remove my sunglasses that I was wearing but he stopped me. He's staring at me while holding my hand. "If you feel uncomfortable don't do it. It's okay, I know how hard it is for you. If you do that I might suffer from your punch tomorrow." I can't help but smile. He knows me well.

Even I feel uncomfortable I still remove my sunglass. Hindi niya matanggal ang kanyang mata sa akin. "Do I look horrified?" nakangiwi kong tanong. Umiling siya at mahinang tumawa.

"Your eyes kinda big but it's cute." I gave him a glare. He laughed again. Yumuko siya ng unti at sinuot niya ang hood sa aking ulo.

"I can't walk. I don't have energy left," I reasoned when I saw he's starting to walk. I thought he would leave alone but he went close to me and smiled.

"If that's the problem, I can carry you all the way." He lowered his body so that he can carry me. Napatitig ako sa likuran niya. I saw how his back huge. Nagdadalawang isip ako kung sasakay ako, I never did this thing before.

"I'm scared, we might fall," I blurted.

I saw his side face and how curved his jaw was. "Trust me. Even if we fall I will sure that no one of us will be hurt." I stepped closer to him. Natagpuan ko na lang ang sarili ko na nakasakay sa likod niya while he's walking bravely. I don't have an idea of where we are going, my side face is buried in his back. I felt his body heat that made me comfy and suddenly I closed my eyes.

Nagising na lang ako ng huminto siya sa paglalakad at inupo ako sa mahabang upuan na gawa sa bakal. Naimulat ko ng tuluyan ang mata ko ng napansin ko na familiar ang lugar na ito. It's an abandoned skape area where I always visited when I was a child but they closed it for some reason.

Wala sa sariling napatingin sa kanya. "How did you find it?" I asked while roaming my eyes in the surroundings. It's located in a part which has many trees and you really see how old it is but there's something that caught my attention. The light's started to glow. The area that is shallow by dark is lit up.

Lumingon ako kay Heewon at nakatingin din siya roon. "It's old but memories never die," he said. My mouth curved into a smile while refreshing my childhood memory. I used to go here in the afternoon to read books and to skate alone.

Nilahad niya ang kanyang kamay sa akin. Tinanggap ko ito at sabay naming tinahak ang daan papunta doon. Hindi ko mapigilan na kumawala ng ngiti ng tuluyan ng tumapak ang paa namin sa madulas na parte. Humiwalay ang kamay niya sa akin hinabol ko pa ito ngunit tuluyan na siyang nakalayo sa akin.

Nawalan ako ng balance. Ipinikit ko ang aking mata habang naghihintay sa aking pagbagsak pero nakita ko ang pagalalay ng dalawa niyang kamay sa akin. "You can't see everything but you can feel them, just close your eyes and feel it."