07

Saktong three in the afternoon ay natapos lahat ng subject namin. Naiwan ako kasama si Heewon sa loob ng silid aralan namin. Inaayos ko ang mga gamit ko according to there code and uses. I saw in the side of my eyes that he's busy in reading his book. Itinaas ko ang zipper pasara at tumayo na. Kasabay naman ng pagsara niya sa kanyang libro. 

Hindi ko natuloy ang pagtakas ko dahil nakaharang na siya sa daanan ko. Humigpit ang paghawak ko sa strap ng aking folding bag. Inilahad niya ang kanyang kamay sa akin. "Can I borrow your phone?" I stared at him. 

"You forgot your phone?" I asked and he nodded. Kahit nagdududa ako ay pinahiram ko pa rin sa kanya. Kung hindi lang niya ako binigyan ng pagkain kanina baka sinusungitan ko ulit siya ngayon.

Ilang segundo lang niya hawak ang phone ko at agad din itong binalik sa akin. I saw he grinded before he left me but I just shakin my shoulder. Ibinalik ko ang phone sa aking bulsa at naglalakad papunta sa area kung saan naghihintay si Manong.

Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko, Dad is here again to join our dinner. I just can't help but to feel small again whenever he's here. His presence makes me unconscious. I guess I had no chance to escape from the action that I have done. 

We silently eating. Kaming tatlo sa mahaba at malaking lamesa. Magkakahiwalay ng malalaking distansya. Huminto ako sa pagkain at napalingon sa mga upuan na puno ng espasyo. Why would I feel lonely if this life is we used to be?

Marahan akong bumuga ng hangin at sumubo muli ng pagkain. Kahit tingin ay hindi ako mabigyan ni Dad. I sadly smiled. Hindi ko napansin na nakita iyon ni mommy na nasa harap ko. Binaba ko ang aking tingin sa aking pagkain. I lost my appetite to eat my food. 

Handa na sana akong tumayo upang pumunta sa aking kwarto ng marinig ang boses ni dad. "You know the daughter of Mrs Diaz? She's the new president of your past school. She's good in handling it. The dean is started admiring her," he said using his cold voice. Mas nawalan ako ng gana dahil sa aking narinig. Ibinaba ko ang hawak kong kutsara at tinidor. "You choose to give up the spot that everyone desires, how good decision. Until now I still can't move on with that. The daughter that they know as mine is a full of shame––"

"Carl!" mom raised her voice. Nahugot ko ang aking hininga. Ibinaba ko ang dalawa kong kamay mula sa lamesa. I hide my hands that starting to shaking. 

Dad did not stop even when Mom warned him. He looked at me intensely. "Always remember it. You're not my daughter! I had no daughter full of flaws and failures!" After he said those words he stood up and walked out. 

Nalukot ang pajama na suot ko dahil sa mahigpit na pagkakakapit ko. "Jixie…" she's calling my name. Tumayo ako at umakyat sa hagdanan. Nakasalubong ko ang ibang katulong na malungkot na nakatingin sa akin. Nilagpasan ko sila hanggang sa marating ko ang aking kwarto. Padabog kong isinara ang pintuan at nanghihina na sumandal dito. 

"I hope your not my father too…" I bit my lower lips for not to cry. Pero kahit anong gawin ko hindi nakatakas ang pamumuo ng luha sa aking mata. I swallow hard.

Hanggang sa nawalan na ako ng lakas. Nakaupo na ako at ngayo'y nakayakap sa aking sarili. Walang kakampi, iisa lang. Isang malakas na sigaw ang pinakawalan ko. Napa hagulgol ako. He will never accept my whole me just my good side! He will never can't understand me! He's my father but he treat me differently, he's not a good father. He will never be. 

Hanggang sa pagtulog hindi pa rin tumitigil ang aking pagluha. I tightly hugged my pig pillow. Nilubog ko ang mukha ko doon. I did everything but my anxiety never left me! Anxiety attack always greeted me at night. All my strength gone in just words that came to my father's mouth. 

Is he not tired of comparing me? 

Unti-unting pumikit ang mata ko hanggang sa lamunin na ako ng antok. Napabalikwas ako sa aking kinahihiligan ng biglang nawalan ng ilaw sa aking lampshade na nasa gilid ng higaan ko. Bumilis ang pagpintig ng aking puso. Kinapa ko ito at pinakalma ang aking sarili pero hindi pa rin iyong naging sapat dahil nagsimula muling manginig ang aking katawan sa takot. 

I want to shout but I'm scared. I have been afraid of the dark since I was a kid. Mom knows that I finally stand alone in the dark in the middle of the night but I really can't deny that it has a big impact on my mental health.

Mabilis na dumako ang mata ko sa night stand na nasa gilid ko. My phone is ringing. Nanginginig ko itong nilapitan. Mas naging komplikado ang paghinga ko ng napansin ko ang kaliskis sa dingding ng kwarto ko. Mabilis kong sinagot ang tumatawag.

"H-Hello?" pinilit kong pakalmahin ang aking boses. Sumandal ako sa headboard at pinagdikit ang aking mga paa. 

"Jixie? Are you okay?" tanong ng nasa kabilang linya. Napakurap ako ng ilang beses ng marinig ko ang kanyang boses. 

Hindi ako nakasagot ng may marinig akong ingay na nagmumula sa labas ng bintana. Ilang beses niya akong tinawag mula sa telepono pero ang mga mata ko ay pilit na sinasanigan ang bintana na nakasarado. 

Bumigat ang bawat paghinga ko at alam kong dinig niya iyon. "You can hear me right?" he asked. "Y-yes," nanginginig kong sagot. 

"Just listen to my voice. Walang mangyayaring masama always remember that. Calm yourself. Breath freely, think that your safe. Imagine that I'm with you," kahit nahihirapan ay ginawa ko ang sinabi niya. Ilang minuto ang nakalipas ay naramdaman ko na rin ang pag gaan ng dibdib ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nagawa iyon. Just listening to his voice makes me calm. 

Napakurap ako ng ilang beses ng marinig ko ang pagkanta niya. He's singing a lullaby for me. Humiga ako patagilid sa aking higaan. Nakalagay ang phone ko sa gilid ko habang pinapakinggan ang boses niya. Slow and soft. Niyakap ko ang isang unan. Isang patak ng luha ang kumawala sa aking mata bago ko ipinikit ang mga mata. 

"You have me now, don't be scared…" at doon nilamon na ako ng antok. 

Hindi makatingin ng diretso sa akin si Dad ng nakasalubong kami sa daan, hanggang sa malagpasan ko na siya but suddenly I stopped in walking. "I'm going to fixed the lights to our helpers. Just…" nang tuluyan na akong humarap saka naman siya umiwas at naglakad paalis. 

Does he care for me now? Or just my hallucination.

It's saturday. I planned to walk. I want to rest my mind from thoughts. Walking in the green background from trees and plants makes me feel innovative and vibrant. Being disappointed by Dad makes me weak but being disappointed in myself makes me give up, so why wouldn't I build myself for a new one who's stronger and more compelling. 

I wore my hoodie black and cap. Naka buhaghag ang buhok ko while wearing my black cap. Nilagay ko ang dalawa kong kamay sa bulsa ng aking hoody. Kumaway ako kay Manong at sinenyasan siya na hintayin niya ako doon. I started to walk until reach the wide park. Maraming tao, most of them is having their time with their family. 

I ignored them and started to jogging. I feel relieved when my feets started to run with ay the same time I feel exhausted. Wala pa ako sa kalahati pero huminto na agad ako, habol ang hininga. Napapikit ako ng maalala ko na nakalimutan ko ang tubig ko sa kotse. 

Napailing ako at nagsimula maglakad para makahanap ng isang tindahan. I failed. Walang tindahan sa loob ng park and this us their protocol to preserve the cleanliness of surrounding. I found myself inside of a convenience store. I opened the refrigerator and I took a one mineral water. 

I walked to the counter and paid my bill. I drank my water outside. I think I will move my schedule while jogging. My muscles and body aren't ready. I'll just take a walk and find a place to eat. I'm sweating, the sun is too bright.

Nahinto ako sa paglalakad ng may isang kotse na patang nakasunod sa akin. I automatic looked at it. Bumaba doon ang bintana ng kotse and I saw lee. He's freaking smiling at me. "A gorgeous lady is walking alone. Paano kung anong mangyari sayo? Stubborn woman." I blank my face. 

"What do you want from me?" may diin kong tanong. Tumingin ako sa katabi niyang babae. Sinenyasan niya ako na makisabay na lang. 

Lumapit siya ng unti sa bintana at hindi maalis ang tingin sa aking labi. "What brand is your lip balm is? It's so good to look, I want that." ilang segundo akong nakatingin sa kanya while processing what he said. 

He's a gay? No he's not.

Hinampas niya sa ere ang kanyang kamay while laughing. "How pathetic woman. You thought that I'm going to kiss your kissable lips?" I smirked for what he said. 

Nawala ang ngiti niya sa labi. "What a lovely lady, does you knew him well?" tanong ko sa katabi niya na kanina pa nagtataka sa aming dalawa. I looked at him again. Coward man.

He is forced to laugh even when he's in a serious situation. I crossed my arms, not removing my eyes on him. Na tahimik siya, no word's came out of his mouth. I looked at my wrist watch. "I'm starving. Can you treat me with delicious food?" I asked him. 

Dinala niya ako sa penthouse niya with his assistant which is the woman. I'm perplexed, why did he take me here? Too far. I'm expecting him to take me to an expensive restaurant but––nevermind. 

Iginala ko ang aking mata sa kabuuan ng penthouse niya. Every corner of his wall is obviously expensive. He prefers the color white and gray from his things to his theme wall. It's clean and roomy. 

Direstyo kaming nagtungo sa kanyang kitchen. "Seat there and I'll cook our food," he even winked at me. Not suited for him. Kulang na lang ay malukot ang mukha ko. 

Tumabi naman ang assistant niyang babae sa akin. She's smiling while looking at me. "Sigurado akong magugustuhan mo ang luto niya. It's his passion even since but he can't freely say it to his dad," her voice become emotional. 

"Do you like him?" I asked and she's shocked. I secretly looked at Lee again. Bahagya din siyang lumingon sa akin while smiling. Bumalik ang tingin niya sa kanyang niluluto. Mas lalong kumulo ang aking tiyan ng naamoy ko ang niluluto niya. 

"H-Hintayin na lang natin 'yung niluluto niya. Alam kong gutom kana," pag iiba niya ng topic. Naging tahimik kami. Humarap sa amin si lee and he's holding a plate with his special dish. 

We silently started our food. Sometimes I can't help but to look at them. They too obvious. Napailing ako at tinapos ang aking pagkain. I present to wash the dishes and almost finish to clean all when I accidentally pinch hard the sponge. Nagkalat ito sa aking mukha, my eyes landed on my chest, weat. I rotate the water to closed it but I broke it. Nahigit ko ang aking hininga ng mabasa ng tubig ang suot ko. 

Nakaharap ako kay Lee. "Do you have a extra shirt or hoody?" I asked. 

Napatingin siya sa hoody ko na basa. "Why you need to change? Hindi naman halata?" I looked at him with my dark eyes. 

"Chill. You freely change there." Tinuro niya 'yung kabilang pintuan. "You can use the shirts in the closet too." I nodded and left him there. Narinig ko pa ang pagtawag niya, dumeretsyo na ako doon and ignored him.

I opened the door at malayang pumasok sa loob. Dumako ang mata ko sa malaking kama, I almost smell the scent of men there. I quickly fought the closet and took a gray color hoodie. Pumasok ako sa loob ng bathroom to change my weat hoodie. Napabuga ako ng hangin while looking at myself in the mirror. My bra is weat too. 

I don't have a choice but to remove it. Isinabit ko ito sa isang hanging metal. "What an unlucky day," I whispered while wearing the gray hoodie.