05

Is he blackmailing me? Hindi na ako nakipagtalo at hinayaan siya na daluhan ako sa paglalakad paikot sa campus. I decided na puntahan namin ang wide field kung saan doon ginagawa ang ibang physical activities like running, performing fitness and other thing. He just nodded when I'm talk him if he memorized it. 

I think I'm having a long time walk with him. Ilang minuto kaming nag ikot-ikot sa campus para lang maisaulo niya lahat ng bahagi ng academy. Nakaramdam ako ng pananakit sa aking paa. Nasa room na ako, minsan kapag nagrerecite ako ay nakaupo na lang ako dahil masakit kapag nabibigla sa galaw 'yung paa ko. 

Nang matapos na ang lahat ng subject ko ay naiwan ako sa silid. Sinadya ko talaga lalo na't may iniinda pa akong sakit sa aking paa. When I noticed na wala na sila sa ako tumayo. Pero hindi ko pa tuluyang naihahakbang ang paa ko ng may boses na nagsalita mula sa likuran ko. 

"Did you need some help?" pagtatanong niya. Inayos ko ang aking sarili at tumayo ng tuwid. Tinaas ko ang aking ulo sa kanya. 

"Do I look lumpo? I don't need your help, I'm completely fine," I said calmly. I don't want to fight him and I'm kinda sore! Because of him. I saw an amusement in his eyes. 

Nakatayo pa rin ako, hinihintay ang pag alis niya pero nanatili pa rin siyang nakatayo at hinihintay na ako ang unang aalis. " Can you leave me na? Gusto kong maglakad ng magisa," pakiusap ko. He just looking at me! Oh come on, ngayon na nga ako nakikiusap ayaw pang makinig!

I looked away. Sinimulan kong ihakbang ang aking mga paa, maingat at mabagal para hindi niya mahalata ang hindi maayos na paglalakad ko. Gusto kong matawa sa sarili ko dahil mukha akong nag skating. Lumuwa ang mata ko ng may biglang humawak sa aking braso. Hindi madiin ang mga kamay niya pero parang namula ang mukha ko––shit? 

Hinawi ko ang kanyang kamay. "Don't touch me you jerk!" mabilis niyang inalis ang kanyang kamay na tila natakot. 

"I know I'm the reason why your feet are sore. Can I guide you until we reach your car? Don't expect me to apologize because this is one of your responsibilities." napasinghal ako ng palihim. I'm the one he imputed. I thought he's good as his mother said.

"Remember? I'm a responsible man. And it's my responsibility to take you there safely," he stated with full confidence. 

Ayaw ko ng pahabain ang pag uusap namin at iniwan ko na siya doon. Ramdam ko ang presensya niya mula sa aking likuran. Pinilit ko talagang ayusin ang lakad ko na may pag iingat hanggang sa narating na namin ang sasakyan kung nasaan si manong na may kausap sa kanyang telepono. 

Nang masilayan niya kami ay agad siyang nagpaalam sa kanyang kausap at pinagbuksan ako ng pintuan. Hindi ko na siya nilingon at tuluyang pumasok sa loob. I saw in my perhap vision that manong and that guy was talking seriously. 

I just closed my eyes while waiting to start the engine. "I want to go home," I declared. 

"Okay ma'am." 

The time is so fast. We're in our second grading just a snap! I'm still the number one in our room, but I'm not sure if someone beated me again in our grade level knowing that guy can take everything from me. As a president we're also awarded this quarter for being leal leader to our co-student.

I guess the new is faster than birds. I knew that my Dad is watching my every action. Hindi na ako magtataka kung malalaman na niya agad kahit hindi ko pa pinapakita sa kanya ang second quarter grade ko. 

Vessy is smiling while looking at her card. "I knew I did my best and being an top nine is more better than being dumb." I smiled at what she said. 

"Why don't you aim for the highest rank? Don't you like that Idea?" She suddenly looked at me and then she gave her wide smile. 

"I don't want to be vad and chase things that didn't mean to be mine. Letting it choose if I really deserve that spot," she answered. She's one of the scholars who fought for their rights. I like the words coming from her mouth. Full of motivation and courage. I'm not mistaken to choose her. 

"Miss President. You knew how deserving you are for being a great leader. There's things that's not meant for you but there are still things that are always staying and waiting for you to open that opportunity."

Napatitig ako sa kanyang mukha. "It's easy to say that using sweet words but you can't take the fate to choose what's suited for you." 

Tinungo ko ang living room namin where my Dad is waiting. I'm right, he's already holding my card. Wala akong nakitang bakas ng emosyon sa kanyang mukha, disappointed ba or kulang na naman ako sa effort. 

Saka lang niya inalis ang tingin sa kanyang hawak ng makita niya akong nakatayo malapit sa kanya. Ibinaba niya ang hawak niyang card at tumayo. "Jixie, didn't I warn you to beat him this time?" paguulit niya. 

Umatras ang dila ko. I want to defend myself but in what way? 

Naglakad siya palapit sa akin at may kinuhang paper. Iniangat niya ang papel kung saan malinaw kong nasilayan kung ano iyon. The ranking in our grade level. I clearly saw my name but it spotted in the second line, which it means I'm defeated again. 

"Why? Mataas na din ang second rank hindi ba dad?" I complained. 

"Are you happy for being second? You are a shame for our family's name. You consider that as an achievement? That spot is just for a freaking loser who lost the chance to be the top rank," he growled. "Don't expect me to join you in celebrating that. You're obsolete." nawalan ng kulay ang mukha ko. He leaves me while tasting his words full of bitterness.

Why does that guy always win against me?

Habang tumatagal ang pamamalagi namin sa academy bilang tagapaglingkod sa lahat ay mas mahigpit ang schedule namin. May mga errors at failures sa aming plan, and as the highest leader it's my responsible to solve this case. Natatandaan ko pa nga 'yung huling mahabang tulog ko and nung nakaraan pang araw iyon. Nangingitim na rin ang ilalim ng mata ko. Gumagamit na lang ako sa poundation para takpan iyon. 

Coffee, book and pen, repeat. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilan beses kong inuulit ang routine kong ito sa isang araw. Minsan hindi ko na maramdaman ang aking katawan dahil sa sobrang pagod. The third grading that I'm hoping to be mine is already taken by him again. I'm close to reaching my goal in the fourth quarter but––I lost my consciousness. It caused me to not attend the last long test. 

Idinilat ko ang mga mata ko. Puting kisame at dingding ang bumungad sa akin. I examine my whole body and I saw some small hose in my hands. Napakurap ako ng ilang beses. Bumalik sa ala-ala ko kung ba't nangyari sa akin ito. I'm drown by sorrow and pain. My hands trembling with regret and furious. That night I lost my control to think and I almost kill myself. 

Ipinikit ko muli ang mata ko while holding my breath. Isang butil ng luha ang lumabas sa isa kong mata. Hindi ko alam kung ba't ganito ang nangyayari sa akin. When that guy entered, my life started to be ruined! Dinilat ko muli ang mata ko sa pagkakataong ito puno ng galit. 

I lost my chance. My life is slovenly. I'm always starving to be the highest rank, I forgot to give attention to myself. Look at me now, frail and deplore. I don't see my old self now, unyielding, serene and deft. 

Naluluha akong tumingin sa aking kamay. Sapilitan kong inalis ang nakakabit sa aking kamay. Biglang pumasok si Mom kasama ang isang nurse na naguusap. Pareho silang nagulat dahil sa kanilang nadatnan. Mabilis lumapit sa akin si Mom na tila hindi alam ang gagawin. "Why did you did that? Hindi ka pa okay, baby. Please be patient. Don't worry I'm not gonna leave you again, I'm just here." nawala lahat ng tapang ko. I'm hugging my Mom while still crying in her arms. Hinahagod niya ang aking likod na puno ng pagiingat. 

Tumakbo palabas ang nurse na kasama ni Mom at tinawag ang main doctor na naka assign sa akin. Humiwalay ako kay Mom at tumingin aa kanyang mga mata. "Did I make him proud?" naluluha kong tanong. 

Malungkot na ngumiti si Mom. Hinawi niya ang aking buhok na nagkalay sa aking pisngi. "Your dad is always proud of you, he always do… he always there watching you from afar," she sweetly said. 

"No mom, he never did. I hope I'm not his daughter… I'm giving up being his flawless daughter. I, I hope he's not my father…" 

Kahit nanlalabo ang aking mga mata ay kitang kita ko kung paano tumulo ang luha sa mga mata ni Mommy na siyang ikinataka. "I hope too... but we can't take the fact that he's your father."

Lumayo ako ng ilang espasyo sa kanya. "He's not capable of being father. He don't deserve to be called father," matigas kong saad. 

"Jixie…" pagsusumamo niya. 

Dumako ang mga mata ko sa pintuan at may nakita akong shadow ng isang tao na kakaalis lang. Malungkot akong ngumiti habang nakatanaw doon. How does it feels? To heard from her own daughter that connected to the word unwanted. 

I hope you feel it too. 

Ilang araw akong nagtagal sa loob ng hospital. I lost some blood kaya sinalinan nila ako ng dugo and they maintain that I'm back with my normal health. Mom is always by my side. Minsan hindi ko maiwasan na tumingin sa pinto at hinihintay ang pagdating ni Dad. But I lost my hope dahil sa huling araw na nananatili sa aking higaan ay hindi siya nag kita kahit anino niya. 

"Mom…" pagtawag ko sa kanya. She looked at me using her soft face. 

"Yes, baby?" She's smiling at me saying that everything will be back to normal. 

"I want to restart my life, can I?" nanghihina kong tanong. Nakasandal ako sa aking upuan sa loob ng malaki naming van. Finally, makakalabas na din ako. 

She just smiled. "And this time hindi ko hahayaan na ipressure ng dad mo. He can't do that again. Marked my words baby."

I attended my our moving up as a completer from fourth year in high school. I don't want to expand my year here in senior high so I decided to make a big decision in my life. Giving up my spot and making my new journey as a student in a new environment.

Ito ang huling beses na aapak ako sa harap kung saan nagtipon-tipon ang mga kasama kong completers. I'm standing not because I'm the women they used to know as indefatigable achiever, I'm standing as their leader.

Lumapit sa akin ang taga salita at inabot ang microphone. Kinuha ko ito at tumayo ng tuwid. "Everything does not stay in one place. They will leave and start to conquer the world. We started with a small seed until we grow as a tree but our journey does not end there because we are still in the middle where we choose every day to live our dreams and goals. As your Supreme Student President, I am happy to see you all wearing the gowns that symbolize your unceasing pursuit of studies, with or without honors," I said while saluting their success. Punong puno ng tao ang malawak na gym kung saan ginanap ang pagdiriwang ng moving up. Kita ko ang malawak na ngiti sa kanilang mga labi, students, parent's and professors.

"And I am Jixie Abella. I'm ready to make a new start of my journey. If giving up my spot as a president makes me have serenity,I'm willing to leave my place. This time I'm choosing to find things that I want to seek without holding things. I'm happy to serve in this academy and for all of you. The things that I've done for this academy always remain. My journey here will always live in my heart until I grow old. For the last time, I want to hear from all of you the magic word," ani ko na siyang ikinangiti ng lahat, even my professor who's watching my last speech. 

"Thank you, our president," sabay-sabay nilang sambit na siyang ikinangiti ko. I did it without tears in my eyes. If saying goodbye makes others feel heartache, for me saying goodbye makes me breath with unforgettable memories. I'm signing off but it doesn't mean I'm no longer part of it, my name will remain here forever.