01

Being a top student among all is the best feeling that my daddy wants. When I stepped my feet in the school I knew that my life would change, for a purpose? I guessed. 

I've never experienced having a friend, just my pen and book. Hanging out with a book in the vintage library while listening to the music coming from my earphones. Lonely, just me and myself. I'm comfortable and free in the dark but when night comes, my body is shaking with fear and anxiety. Sometimes I lose my sanity because of the expectations of others, especially my own father. 

All my life I sacrificed my own happiness just to reach my goal. Maintaining my position in the academic world as the top one or the highest among the honors students. My chest breathes easier than before knowing that my father can't compare or complain to me now. I'm confident that I'm the one who will end this game academically and I'm willing to take a risk, to gamble everything that I have just to have it.

But there's a question that popped into my mind. Do I look happy with it? I just want to make my daddy and mommy proud of me as their only child. Pressure but it's quite challenging for me. 

"The best way to have your goal is to invest a hardwork and dedication for it," I said with full of confidence. Daddy's looking at me intense. Kinabahan ako ng unti pero kalauna'y nakahinga din ng maluwag ng lumapit ang professor ko kay dad.  

Nasa mini stage kami. I'm giving a speech to the fresh students, to welcome them with warm greetings and advice. My fake smile suddenly disappeared. I used my poker face again. Bumaba ako mula sa hagdanan, inalalayan ako ng isang lalaki na nakapwesto doon. I gave him a small smile to satisfy his gentleman.

Hindi pa ako nakakalayo sa paglalakad ng may humarang sa aking harapan. The old lady is smiling at me. "You did well, we're not mistaken that we chose you to deliver the message for our new students. You have a big part in this academy, jixie." I had no choice but to smile at what she's saying.

"It's my pleasure to do this Mrs Chen," her lips form a wide smile. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag ng umalis na din ito. It takes to long before I escaped there. Hindi na rin nagtagal si dad dahil he needs to go in our company. Hindi pa tapos ang program pero umalis na ako. I need some space, I badly need to breathe.

I found myself sitting in a swinging wooden chair in the garden. This is not my first time to go here, I'm just here when I feel exhausted from everything. My eyes automatically open when I hear some girls having chit chat.

"May bago daw transferee, did you know who is he?" sabik na tanong nito sa kaibigan niya. Kunot ang noo ko habang nakikinig sa kanila.

The girl giggles. "He's so handsome, he's like an angel from the sky." Napailing ako at muling itinulak ang aking sarili kasabay ng pag ihip ng hangin. 

"I heard he has a high intelligence like jixie. So I'm not going to be shocked when this guy defeats her." parang napantig ang aking tenga dahil sa narinig mula sa kanila. Did I clearly hear my name compared to that new guy? 

I was walking in my locker to put my things there when I saw a nerd girl walking in my direction. I slowly closed my locker and suddenly looked at her. She's wearing our uniform and her favorite rainbow sucks. Nahihiya itong ngumiti sa akin at inabot ang isang paper bag. 

Bahagyang tumagilid ang aking ulo habang sinusuri ang dala-dala niya. She slightly bit her buttom lips while she's sweating. "S-Salamat pala dahil pinahiraman mo ako ng notes. Hindi ko talaga alam ang gagawin ko kapag bumagsak ako… mawala 'yung scholarship ko," she said. "S-Sana magustuhan mo itong simpleng regalo ko sayo…" My eyes landed in her trembling hands. Nakayuko ang ulo niya habang nakaangat ang kamay niya.

I sighed and immediately took the paper bag from her. Mabilis siyang nag angat ng ulo kasabay ng pag kislap ng mga mata niya. "Don't thank me for what I've done, it's my duty as your schoolmate and ssg president," I simply said. I looked at my wrist watch when it's alarmed. Hindi ko na hinintay ang sasabihin niya dahil nagsimula na akong umalis. My feet moved quickly while my two hands were busy adjusting the collar on my white uniform. 

Sumasabay ang buhok ko sa hangin na tumatama sa akin. Hinawi ko ng bahagya ang aking buhok kasabay ng pagbaba ng tingin sa hawak-hawak ko. My eyebrows rose. I just forgot to leave it in my locker because of rushing. I don't have time to go back there so I decided to just take it where I was going.

The other students looked at me, I could see the glow in their eyes as they looked up. I stared at them, without emotion. I'm an introvert type of person so maybe that's the reason why I don't have any friends, but honestly I don't need some of them. They will just use me for fame or whatsoever. I don't want to tarnish my name just to fulfill their desires. I'm independent so why would I need one? 

Taas noo kong nilakad ang hallway kung saan nakahilera ang ibang student. Nakalinya sila na tila disiplinado at alerto. Nang malagpasan ko na sila saka lang ako napabuga ng hangin habang nakatingala sa kalangitan. Makulimlim, ilang minuto na lang ay bubuhos na ang malakas na ulan. I blinked slowly and lifted my finger in the pouring rain. I stood at an opened glass window watching the raindrops coming from the dark sky.

Inayos ko ang pagkakakusot ng blazer ko at nagsimulang maglakad papunta sa meeting area kung saan kami magtitipon tipon with SSG members. I was assigned to take this project in transforming our academy with the help of SSG members and all students.

I dropped the folder I was holding which caused the other SSG members to stop talking. I looked at them one by one, my two hands resting on the elongated table.

Umayos ng upo ang iba at tumahimik. I motioned to the woman on my right to start. I sat down in my chair placed in the middle. The woman stood up and started to open the powerpoint. She turned to us, she cleared her throat before she spoke, "We all know why we are here. We have a mission at this school and it is to make it new and presentable. Today I will present to you the presentation that our student president made. She invest her time for this so––"

I raised my hand to stop her. She bowed slightly and continued speaking, "We are going to make a lot of changes. One of them is the equality of the students whether they are scholars or not." I crossed my arms and nodded at her. Kita ko kung paano nagiba ang timpla ng mga mukha ng iba. Nagsimula ng magbulongan ang iba ng kanya-kanya nilang komento at opinyon. 

"Miss president, it seems like too much if we treat them equally." nakataas ang kilay niya na tila hindi sang ayon. 

"Wesley––" Itinaas ko muli ang kamay ko sa kanya. Nakaupo ako na parang nagchichill. Tinignan ng masama ni Vesy si Wesley na nakatingin din sa kanya. 

"Enough," ani ko.

Tumingin silang lahat sa akin. Madiin ang mga mata ko na nakatingin kay Wesley. "Don't you agree with me?" My eyes narrowed and focused on her face. Her face turned red and she bitterly laughed.

"It's not like that miss president, I just want fair game," her reason.

"So you mean you don't really agree with me?" paguulit kong tanong. Hawak-hawak niya ang kanyang hininga na nakikipag titigan sa akin. I sweetly smile at her. I cupped my right cheek. 

"So... it means from now on I will treat you differently?" she gulped. 

Napasinghap ang iba dahil sa kanilang narinig. Inilapit ko ang sarili ko sa lamesa habang hindi pa rin inaalis ang tingin sa kanya na namumula na. Tagaktak ang ilang pawis sa kanyang noo. Iniwas niya ang mukha niya at palihim na pinunasan ang ilang butil ng pawis sa kanyang noo. "Y-You just misunderstood what I said, " pagdadahilan niya. 

"Pardon?"

Isang matinding katahimikan ang namayani. Hindi na muli siyang nagsalita pa. Dahan-dahan akong bumalik sa aking pagkakasandal. Tumingin ako kay Vessy at sinenyasan siya. Mabilis siyang tumango at bumalik sa kanyang pwesto sa harapan. Muli inulit niyang idiscuss ang mga project sisimulan naming gawin. Ilang buwan ko itong pinag isipan, as their SSG president I want them all to have a fair world. Respect, that's the one thing that I want them to have. I hear a lot about the bullying they do to scholars, so I thought about including it in our project.

We discussed a lot including following the schedule of formal wearing or school uniform which is common at all school levels. Having a gathering together in a project is planting trees in an area affected by deforestation and having fun occasions for school students such as boot camp and other activities. We also discussed our other steps on how to solve slavery among scholars.

Nang matapos na ang buong presentation, tumayo na ako mula sa pagkakaupo inayos ang aking kausotan. Nakatingala silang lahat sa akin. "Any complaining for our presentation regarding to our scholars?" tanong ko sa kanila. 

Nagkatinginan lang ang iba ngunit ni isa ay walang nagtaas ng kamay upang sumalungat sa ideya na ginawa ko. I secretly smirked. "You may now leave," I coldly said. 

Sabay-sabay sikang tumayo mula sa pagkakaupo at tinahak ang pinto palabas ng hall. Nang makalabas na silang lahat saka ako napasandal sa aking swivel chair at ipinikit ang aking mga mata. Napadaing ako ng makaramdam ako ng kirot sa aking likuran. Kakatapos lang ng meeting namin at inatas pa sa akin lahat ng gawain. I’d rather just hang out in the library while reading than mingle with people who can't understand me.

Agad ko ring iminulat ang mata ko ng may magsalita mula sa pintuan, "Your dad is here. He want to talk to you." Bumuga ako ng marahas. Nilakad ko ang daan palabas hanggang sa nakita ko si Dad na may kausap na babae. Huminto ako sa paglalakad na tila napako. Napatingin sa akin si dad at sinenyasan ang kausap niyang professor na babae at umalis na ito. 

Dad is wearing his expensive business attire. Humakbang siya papunta sa akin habang hindi inaalis ang mata niya na tila may ginawa akong kasalanan. "I heard that gumawa ka ng project and it's about for… scholar students," pauna niya. "Shouldn't you focus more on how to make your name known rather than helping those poor people." I gritted my teeth. 

He looked at me like a fool. I felt like I was being pricked by a thousand needles in my chest. The expression on my face was still hard. "If you're worried that my rank might go down, you're wrong, that won't happen," I calmly said.

Tumaas ang kilay niya. "That's my daughter…" he teased. "Always use your brain and feel pity for no one." tinalikuran na niya ako. I blinked twice. Lumapit ang bodyguards niya at sinamahan siya sa paglalakad sa hallway habang ako nakatanaw at nag iisa. How dare he do this to me as his child? How lucky I am. I pity myself for what happened, it always happens so why am I still used to it? 

I bitterly smile. He is still not proud of me as his daughter. He never treats me like a princess. I never once felt that I was his child, he just wanted to control me like a puppet. I feel unconscious. I'm never enough for someone, never.