March 5, 2017, Manila

I was holding my breath the hole time that I was in the elevator. Hindi naman dahil sa may kasabay ako na may putok. It's just that hindi ko alam kung paano ba pakakalmahin ang sarili ko. My heart was pounding so fast na feeling ko, anytime ay lalabas na ito sa rib cage ko.

Shit naman. Bakit ba ako nagkakaganito?

By the time the elevator reached the Ground Floor, gusto ko nang bumalik bigla sa floor namin. Parang gusto ko biglang mag-overtime kahit na wala naman na akong dapat i-overtime. I would love to do everything just to find an excuse para hindi kaming magkitang dalawa ni Sir Mark. But the heck. Kahit pala na mag-overtime ako, makakapunta pa rin naman siya sa cubicle ko. So what do I do now?

"Thea!" I heard him call my name pagkalabas ko ng elevator. Napapikot ako dahil doon. Langya naman! Nakabantay ba talaga siya sa lobby? 

Huminga ako nang malalim, forcing myself to calm down. I then looked towards his direction and forced myself to smile.

"Yes po?" I asked, acting as if hindi ko nabasa yung message niya.

"Didn't you-- Never mind. Can we talk? Again? I mean I know what I did earlier was out of bounds and there's no excuse for that. I just want to clear things up and I guess I don't want you to leave while we have this awkward thing between us," sabi niya and I had to stop myself from looking around just in case may nakarinig sa kung ano mang pinagsasasabi niya. Mahirap na. As I've said, ayaw kong magkaroon ng issue sa office just because there's this "thing" between me and Sir Mark. That's a no-no for me.

Kaya nga as much as possible, I wanted to find someone who's not from our office. I didn't want things to get awkward around me. Katulad ngayon. Wala pa nga masyadong progress, awkward na agad. What more kung mas marami pang feelings na na-invest at na-involve, 'di ba?

"Can we talk about this somewhere else? I'm really not comfortable discussing it here," I meekly told him and his face brightened up at once. Kung kanina, mukhang pasan niya ang problema ng buong mundo, ngayon, mga 50% na lang siguro?

"Yeah, sure. Saan mo gusto?" tanong niya sa akin. I was about to tell him na mag-dinner na lang din kami kaso diyahe pala. Ang awkward na nga naming dalawa, lalamon pa ako bigla. Saka for sure, hindi na naman ako makakakain nang maayos dahil titingnan niya lang ako the whole time that we'd be together. It already became his habit kaya kabisadong-kabisado ko na siya.

"Any coffee shop will do. Saglit lang naman 'to, 'di ba? I need to meet up with my brother din kasi," sagot ko sa kanya kahit na hindi naman talaga kami magkikita ni Kuya. Tumango na lang si Sir Mark bilang sagot kahit na bakas sa mukha niya ang disappointment. Was he really hoping that we would be having dinner together? Ay leche. Gumagana na naman 'tong pagka-feelingera ko.

Sir Mark led me to the nearest coffee shop in our office na hindi rin naman masyadong pinupuntahan ng mga officemate namin. In short, it was close but safe from chismis. He chose the farthest seat from the entrance and I just followed him silently, feeling a little thankful na naiintindihan niya rin yung situation ko. When we finally settled down, he then proceeded to order for the both of us. Hindi na niya ako tinanong kung ano'ng gusto ko. He already memorized kung ano ang palagi kong ino-order and somehow, na-guilty ako lalo dahil sa inasal ko.

The heck. Should I really be feeling this way right now? Wala pa naman kami, ah? Bakit grabe ako kung ma-guilty?

Bago pa man ako gumawa ng kung anong ikapapahiya ko, I silently took a sip from my iced vanilla latte. After a few minutes, Sir Mark finally decided to break the ice.

"Like I've said earlier, I'm sorry for what I did and said earlier. I've crossed the line and that was wrong of me."

"Wait lang," I said, cutting him from proceeding with whatever speech that he's about to say. "I'm sorry din if walang preno yung bibig ko kanina. I should have chosen my words carefully. I know the damage has been done but ayun nga. I'm not sure how things would go. What I know is, right now, you've been an amazing friend to me and I don't want to waste that just because ang labo kong kausap. Gets mo ba?" Before I could even stop myself, nasira na naman yung preno ng bibig ko. In the end, imbis na maging malungkot si Sir Mark, tinawanan niya na lang ako.

"Hoy. Huwag mo nga akong pagtawanan! Seryoso kaya ako dito!" pagsita ko sa kanya na mas lalo niyang ikinatawa.

"How could I ever hate you when you're acting like that?" he asked, and I suddenly felt my cheeks heating up.

"Ha! So plano mo palang magalit sa akin? Gano'n?" I questioned him with my scrutinizing eyes, and his hands were raised almost immediately. Leche. Guilty much?

"Ay. Grabe siya, o. I didn't know you were this judgmental. Tsk, tsk," napapailing na sagot ko sa kanya. He then smiled because of what I said.

"Well, in my defense, it was as if you dumped me already earlier. What was I supposed to do? Accept everything with a smile? I still have feelings, you know."

"Alam ko. Kaya nga nag-uusap tayo ngayon, 'di ba?" I straightforwardly told him kahit na at the back of my mind, gusto ko na ring idugtong na hindi pa nga talaga ako sigurado sa kung ano ang meron kami.

"Let's put it this way then. Go and explore in Japan. I know I don't have any rights to stop you from doing so but take this time to sort out your feelings as well. If by the end of your trip, you realized that you're really not ready to take the leap, then I'll brace myself for the worst. We're just going to meet each other for almost 10 hours a day everyday for a month, so no sweat. I can manage that," he said, and that's when everything dawned on me. Oo nga! Sobrang awkward!

"Shit!" I said a little too loudly. Napataas ang kilay ni Sir Mark as if mocking me. Oh no. Ano na ang gagawin ko?

"Should I pass my resignation letter, too?" I asked without thinking, and he finally laughed out loud. Leche. Kung ganito at ganito rin lang, totohanin ko na lang kaya ang pagre-resign ko?

***

March 6, 2017, Manila

"Kumusta naman yung pag-uusap niyo?" deretsong tanong ni Jenny pagdating na pagdating niya sa cubicle namin. Ni wala man lang bati ng hi o hello 'tong babaeng 'to. Chismis agad ang nais.

"At good morning din naman sa 'yo," I answered sarcastically.

"Leche ka. Sagutin mo na lang yung tanong ko," naiiling na sagot niya sa akin. She even pulled her swivel chair closer to me para lang mapilit akong mag-spill ng chismis.

"Ayun. Pinagtawanan niya lang ako the whole time. Halos hindi niya nga yata ako sineryeso kagabi. Feeling ko nga, baliw na ang tingin niya sa akin ngayon o kaya comedian. Sa malamang, na-turn off na 'yon sa akin dahil hindi ko na naman napaayos yung preno ng bibig ko." Binatukan agad ako ni Jenny pagkarinig na pagkarinig niya sa sagot ko. Sa lakas ng pagkakabatok niya sa akin, feeling ko nga, tumilapon na sa kung saan yung brain cells ko.

"Aray ko naman!" reklamo ko sa kanya.

"Gaga ka. Sinasadya mo bang sirain yung image mo sa kanya para tantanan ka na niya?" tanong ni Jenny which made me think. Ganoon nga ba talaga ang magiging resulta ng ginawa ko? I was just being honest to myself at that time. Ayaw ko namang pabigatin lalo yung atmosphere na bumabalot sa aming dalawa. Pero kung na-turn off nga siya, e di wala. Move on na talaga.

Bago pa ako makasagot sa tanong ni Jenny, biglang may naglapag ng iced vanilla latte sa table ko. When I looked up, si Sir Dexter pala.

"Sir?"

"May nagpapabaot. Ayos din kayo, e. Ginawa niyo pa akong taga-deliver." Napailing na lang si Sir Dexter at bago pa ako makapagsalita, naglakad na siya pabalik ng opisina niya. Pagtingin ko sa kape ko, may nakadikit na sticky note. Alam ko naman na kung kanino galing 'yon pero ewan ko ba. Parang kinabahan pa rin akong malaman yung laman ng note na 'yon. Kaso, bago ko pa man mabasa yung nakasulat, hinablot na ni Jenny yung cup.

"Good morning! May smiley na, may heart pa. Ay, teka. Nasaan na ba yung gunting dito? Ang haba na masyado ng buhok mo!" panloloko sa akin ni Jenny, but I shrugged it off. Ayaw ko na munang bigyan ng kung anong meaning ang mga pinaggagagawa ni Sir Mark. I needed to clear my thoughts from everything nga. 'di ba?

Sir Mark:
Hope you got the coffee.

Dexter said he will throw it away because of the note.

Pinilit kong pigilin ang pagtawa ko dahil sa text ni Sir Mark. Alam kong binabantayan pa rin ni Jenny ang bawat galaw ko kaya mahirap na. Ayaw ko namang hablutin niya na naman 'yong cellphone ko tapos magsisisigaw na naman siya rito sa office.

Thea:

Akala ko ba mag-sosort out muna ng feelings?

Bakit may pa-kape ka pa ngayon?

Sir Mark:

Mukha ka kasing zombie kanina.

Figured you might need the coffee.

Thea:

WHAT THE HELL???

E di sana Americano na lang binigay mo!

Sir Mark:

Yung preno mo, please.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I had to stop myself from slapping myself dahil doon. Ewan ko na talaga. Getting close with Sir Mark in less than a month took its toll on me. Feeling ko tuloy, bad influence na siya sa akin. Dumadalas pagkasira ng preno ng bibig ko dahil sa pinaggagagawa niya.

Lumipas ang araw na hindi ko na nasasagot lahat ng messages ni Sir Mark. Nag-volunteer na rin ako na lumabas sa office kahit na hindi ko naman trabaho 'yon para lang makatakas sa kanya. Unexpectedly, mas lumiwanag ang pag-iisip ko. Mas nakapagtrabaho ako nang maayos at hindi na rin sira ang preno ng bibig ko. Everything was going smoothly and it was almost too good to be true.

Finally, the curse has been broken nung biglang may tumawag sa phone ko. Dahil nga nasa labas ako ng office, I didn't even bother to check kung sino man yung tumatawag. I had to get it over with para makapag-focus na ulit ako sa ginagawa ko. Kaso leche. Wrong move pala!

"Hello?"

"Pinagtataguan mo ba ako?" sabi ng lalaki sa kabilang linya. Dahil may kausap din akong iba sa harap ko, hindi ko na nabosesan pa yung kausap ko sa cellphone.

"Sira ulo ka ba, ha?" pabalang kong sagot, slightly getting annoyed with the accusation. Saka hello should be answered by hello kaya! Hay nako. Ubos na talaga ang mga manners ng mga tao ngayon.

"You didn't answer my texts the whole day. And now, sasabihan mo ako ng sira ulo. What a glow up, Thea," sagot sa akin ng lalaki sa kabilang line at doon lang nag-sink in sa akin kung sino ba ang kausap ko. I immediately checked my phone at nanlaki ang mga mata ko pagkakita sa pangalan ni Sir Mark. Dahil doon, hindi na ako nagdalawang-isip pa. I immediately ended the call and turned my phone off.

Juskolord. Hindi na ba talaga matatahimik ang buhay ko???