-Tony-

The next few weeks were not completely roses and rainbows, but close. I still had to keep fighting to keep my mind my own, but I only had some minor hiccups. I was so happy... I was so goddamn happy it scared the shit out of me. And Cole... I fell harder and harder for him each passing day.

I loved him. I loved that feeling. It scared me too, since I hardly knew what love was, and how it was supposed to feel. Poor Vaughn tried his best to convince me that what I felt for Cole was indeed love, but it was still scary. The way Cole made me feel good and wonderful and optimistic was scary.

But there was something that eased my fear quite a lot.

The end of the month was fast approaching. My lease was ending. I had mixed feelings about it at first, but seeing how happy and excited Cole was because of it made me forget all the negative ones. And he really was excited.

We'd agreed to go empty my apartment on Saturday, and when that morning arrived, I woke up in a big bearhug. Cole was already humming quietly when I tried to pry my eyes open. His hand was slowly moving in my hair, and the other one on my back. My face was buried under his chin, so I couldn't see his expression, but I had the feeling he was smiling. He always smiled when he hummed.

"Morning," I murmured to let him know I was awake.

"Good morning," he practically sang, but didn't let go of me. "Did you sleep well?"

"Well, taken the fact that you drained me completely last night, yes," I told him, blushing at the memories – his stamina in bed was far greater than mine, so I'd fallen asleep really fast after that.

He laughed and hugged me tighter. "That's because I can't get enough of you, baby..." he murmured in my ear, sending all kinds of things through my body.

Since we had a long day ahead of us, and my body was shaky enough as it was, I gently pried him off me and got out of bed so we wouldn't end up getting sweaty already. I really wanted it – he was hot, and I was bothered – but sex with him was a goddamn marathon.

Cole didn't follow me out of the bed so I turned to glance at him. He was staring at me with a lazy smile on his face.

"What?" I asked, still feeling the tingles all over me.

"I love you, Tony," he spoke softly, and I cursed my sudden need to return to bed.

And that name he used... I was still getting used to it, but I loved it already. It sounded so perfect coming from his lips.

"I love you too," I whispered back. "But you need to get your ass up. I can't wait to get rid of that place for good."

His smile grew even wider, and he practically jumped out of the bed and immediately wrapped his arms around me.

"I can't wait either," he muttered, his hot, naked body feeling phenomenal against mine...

Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to start our day with a marathon... No! I had to stay strong. I'd never be able to carry anything if I let him drain my energy again.

I had to wait for the evening.

*****

It had been a while since the last time I'd been in my apartment. After Cole parked his car in front of my place, the trunk filled with empty trash bags and boxes, I just sat in my seat and watched the entrance. This would be the last time I visited the place, and I wanted to take my time. Not because I'd miss this, but because strong emotions would quickly swallow me if I wasn't careful.

And to be honest, I was afraid of my old home. I wanted to forget that corner ever existed.

Cole gave me all the time I needed. He didn't speak a word while I was gathering my composure. It was funny in a way, because his silence was so much louder than whatever there was going on in my head, and it made me turn my attention to him.

"I'm feeling odd," I told him.

"We don't have to do this today. We still have time," he said with a reassuring smile.

"Nah, not that kind of odd. Just... I don't know..." I muttered and turned to look at my bedroom window. "It feels like a decade has passed since I lived here."

"A lot has changed," he said, touching my arm gently.

"Everything has changed," I corrected him. "That person who sat there every night, drinking and watching TV... How was that me? I hardly even remember any of it."

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember. I only had bits and pieces of the life I had been leading, and it had ended only a few months ago.

"I remember watching Vanishing Point. I'd tried to ignore it for days at first," I said, and turned to look back at Cole. "But it was burning at the back of my head, so I had to watch it."

"Why were you trying to ignore it?"

"Because of you," I said and chuckled. "I didn't want to think about you."

He smiled, but it was a sad one. I realized how bad it sounded, so I leaned closer to him and rested my hand on his.

"It wasn't working – I was constantly thinking about you," I said with a smirk, hoping to get a laugh, but he only chuckled shortly.

"Just like I was thinking about you," he said quietly.

I wanted to hug him, but since there wasn't any space, I picked his hand instead and kissed his fingers.

"I do remember everything after that. My days before you were so empty... It's no surprise I can't remember any details since the days were all the same. Just an empty life in an empty corner..." I said, looking outside again. "And now it comes to an end."

"Yes. You'll never be empty again – I promise," he said.

I snorted loudly and bit my lips. I looked at him and saw a confused expression on his face.

"My mind has been in the gutter ever since we woke up," I admitted.

He blushed and let out an awkward laugh when he realized what I was thinking about.

"I uh... I meant your life... But..." he spoke slowly and winked when he trailed off.

"Let's just get to work," I said and laughed as I opened the door.

Cole followed me outside, and a short moment later, we stood behind my door with the bags and boxes. When I opened it, the dusty air filled our lungs, and I wrinkled my nose at the distinct smell of motor oil. The place smelled awful.

"I'll go open the windows," I told Cole and stepped in, but I didn't get too far before that odd feeling I had brought me to a halt.

I couldn't get over how empty and dead the place was. I just couldn't. I used to live like this. This used to be my entire life. How could I not see how bad it was? How could I not understand how desperately I needed help? Just... how?

"Baby?"

I glanced at Cole, who stood right behind me. He had a sad and worried expression on his face. Seeing the apartment had made me feel cold, but seeing him warped me right back up. I turned around and kissed him. His arms were immediately around me, protecting me from the cold.

"I'm fine," I told him after I broke the kiss. "I'm just sad. Horrified," I added, looking behind me.

"This will be the last time here for you," Cole said gently. "It's over soon."

"Yeah," I said, and finally walked to the closest window to open it.

The fresh air didn't help much, so I went to open the rest of the windows as well. Cole followed me every step of the way, his eyes never leaving me alone. He was worried, so I tried to keep a smile on my face and talk like I wasn't bothered by the apartment.

"I think I have to get rid of all the clothes," I said, standing behind my wardrobe. "Everything smells like oil."

"We can try to wash them?"

I shook my head. "I don't want to wear them. They're all so... black."

"You do have plenty of nice clothes now," he said with a nod, opening the first trash bag for me.

Cole wanted to salvage all the stuff from the kitchen – as if his cupboards weren't about to explode from all the stuff he already had. We'd agreed to use my furniture to refurnish the staff area since everything was still in good condition apart from the smell. A couple of his bartenders would come pick them up with a van in a few hours. Cole's friend was coming to get my bed and the wardrobe for his kids.

And that was pretty much all I owned.

Once the clothes were bagged, we entered the kitchen to see if we could use my pans and plates, but we both stopped at the same time by the corner. The knife was still on the counter where Cole had left it after I tried to kill myself. Neither of us had dared to go near it the few times we'd come here to pick up my mail.

Now it was time to face it.

"Can we just leave it there?" I asked quietly.

"I'm sure the landlord won't mind," Cole muttered his reply.

Part of my head tried to tell me I was being silly, but in reality, I was scared of the knife. Like it could somehow possess me to stab myself if I touched it.

"I'm being silly..." I muttered and stepped closer to it, but Cole stopped me.

"I... I don't know if I want you to go near it," he muttered.

I wanted to say it was just a knife, and remind him I had used knives at his place every single day, but this wasn't about the knife, it was about the trauma we went through together. For Cole, it was an object he'd once already survived, and a reminder why he couldn't trust me completely. He still blamed himself for what happened that night.

And for me... I could be dead right now because of that knife.

"I think I'm good being around it," I told him, and after a short moment of hesitation, he let me approach it, but never let go of me.

I stopped to stare at it while Cole wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my shoulder, still holding my hands in his, like making sure I wouldn't touch it.

The knife was nothing special, just a simple knife with a black handle. The blade couldn't be that sharp either since I'd never sharpened it. Still enough to kill me.

"I can't recognize the person I was back then," I said quietly. "That's not me. That never was me. That was just a poor bastard who was never meant to exist."

Cole hugged me tighter, but didn't say a word. I knew he was really uncomfortable, and I didn't like to put him in that position. But we couldn't just pretend it never happened.

"You let that poor soul out of its misery and found me behind it," I continued and tried to look at him, but his hold on me never loosened. "When I saw you at the gym for the very first time, the real me woke up."

He kissed my cheek, but the troubled expression didn't go away.

"Cole."

"Hmm?"

"You saved me that night. You didn't drive me to do anything. You saved me. I wish you'd stop blaming yourself..."

"I don't think I can," he said.

We both had a long way to go, a lot of therapy sessions to go through. I dropped the subject because I knew there was nothing I could say right now that would make him stop blaming himself.

"Maybe one day you'll see that you're my hero, not the villain," I said.

He didn't reply to me. Instead, he took a step back, holding my hand. I let him lead me to the door where we'd gathered the trash bags, and he fished one of my old towels from them. Then he returned to the counter, where he wrapped the towel around the knife without touching it. I watched him in silence while he put the bundle into an empty bag.

"There," he said when he dropped the bag by the door. "Should we continue cleaning up?"

I gave him a smile, but I felt sad. This man... It broke my heart knowing he blamed himself for something that wasn't his fault. Far from it. The opposite of it.

He saved me.

"Sure," I said.

By the end of the day, when we were sweaty and dirty and tired from hauling my stuff down the stairs, I stood by the doorway, watching the empty apartment. The difference wasn't big even though it now was literally empty.

Another part of my old life was now gone.

I turned to look at Cole.

"There is only one thing left of the person my dad created," I told him quietly as I closed the door for the last time.

"What is it?" Cole asked.

I nudged my head toward the name on the door, gave him a playful wink, and grabbed the last bag we had left.

There was only my last name left. My father's last name.