-Randall-

I woke up pretty early the next day. It was only a few minutes past seven when I glanced at the clock. Way too early. Even Cole didn't wake up this early. I decided to stay under the covers and keep snoozing. Well, I tried to, but I quickly understood that wasn't going to happen. I just didn't feel like staying in bed.

After getting up and taking a shower, I got dressed and stepped out of my room. The silence in the apartment weirded me out a little. Cole was always up and making breakfast by the time I got out of the bed, so seeing the kitchen empty made me almost nervous even though I knew he was still asleep.

I stopped to stare at the dark apartment, cursing myself for getting up already. I didn't really have much to do. I could've watched TV, but I didn't really feel like sitting around. Besides, the sound would probably wake up Cole, and I didn't want that.

But he was going to wake up soon, right? I could make him breakfast for once. He always made breakfast for me, after all. And I wasn't a complete disaster in the kitchen anymore, only a minor one, so I could handle some toast and toppings. And I could always make an omelet, since that used to be the only thing I ever ate for breakfast.

I tried to be as quiet as possible when I searched for the frying pan and ingredients. Cole always made a big breakfast, so I got everything for both omelets and toasts, and even made sure there was enough apple juice.

Then I turned to face the coffeemaker. I didn't drink coffee, but Cole did. I had no idea how to use it, so I just stood there trying to remember how Cole did it. But I... I had never paid attention to it. Fuck... I'd only ever paid attention to Cole...

I let out a deep breath, collecting myself. I could do this. Water and coffee beans, right? But how was I supposed to know how much coffee beans went into the water? Were they supposed to go in the water? Yes? Wait, no... Fuck, where was I supposed to put the beans?

With a sigh, I grabbed the coffee bag and cheered up. It had instructions! But I still had no idea how to use the maker itself... But how hard could it be? It had like two places where to put stuff in, so I could figure it out. And I think I did get them right. Water in the clear tank, and the ground coffee in the cone-shaped one. Yeah, it had to be right. There was no way it could be the other way around.

Great! I felt quite happy with myself when I started chopping onions, sausages, cheese, and vegetables for the omelet.

It didn't take long before I heard the shower running in Cole's room, so I put the coffee maker on and grabbed the pan to start cooking. Ten minutes later, Cole joined me in the kitchen, his fresh scent surrounding me and making me lose myself in it for a moment.

"What is this?" Cole asked with a warm tone, stepping next to me.

"Breakfast," I said shortly, feeling a little odd.

"I can see that," he said, giving me a happy look. "Why are you up so early?"

I shrugged as a reply.

"There's coffee for you," I said, nodding my head toward the machine.

He didn't move at first. He just stood there, watching me with a gentle smile on his face.

"This is great. Thank you," he said softly.

"Yeah, yeah..." I mumbled, feeling a bit of heat rising on my cheeks.

Cole went to grab himself a mug and faced me while he poured coffee for himself. "Is there something you want to do today?"

I shrugged again. I gave it a bit of thought but didn't come up with anything specific.

"Not really. I'm fine with just walking around for a bit."

"Aight. I'm open for suggestions if you want to do something," he said, taking a sip from his cup.

He gagged and nearly spat the coffee out right then and there. He stopped to stare at me with an amused gleam in his eyes and then emptied his mouth into the sink.

"I screwed it up, didn't I?" I asked quietly, feeling bad.

"No, no, no, no," he said, looking into his cup. "It was perfect, but I think you forgot the filter."

"The filter?" I asked, and he showed me the cup. His coffee was filled with ground beans. "For fuck's sake... I'm sorry... I didn't know how to use it..."

"Don't worry," he said, smirking, and turned his attention to the coffeemaker. "I'll show you, if you want?"

After he quickly washed the ground beans off, he showed me what to do. I made sure to pay attention in case I ever needed to make coffee for him again. Later, with a fresh pot brewing, we sat down at the table to eat. Cole's mood was as high as ever, even though I'd ruined his coffee. He didn't even hesitate to take a huge bite of the omelet I made.

"My lord, this is good," he groaned with a smile.

"You're not just saying that?" I asked after tasting mine. It tasted the same as always.

"Are you kidding me? This is so good!" he said, and at least he looked like he enjoyed it.

"Good, good..." I muttered.

I wasn't sure why, but... I liked the fact that he liked the food.

"You have to teach me how you make this," he said.

"Sure..."

I really liked that, actually...

After we ate, I grabbed our plates so I could wash them like Cole always did, but he followed me.

"I'll wash them, don't worry," he said, stepping behind me.

"It's my turn," I told him, refusing to give him any room by the sink.

"You did all that hard work making us breakfast," he noted.

"You do that same hard work every morning and rarely let me help with the dishes," I retorted.

He chuckled. "I just want you to take it easy."

"I've been taking it easy for a while now."

"But I want to help," he tried again, carefully placing his hand on my lower back.

I froze. The hand and his closeness... And I knew he was watching me again. I knew he was smiling at me.

And I knew he wanted more than just touch me.

He kissed me on the cheek the day before. I knew he did. It wasn't my imagination. I could almost feel it even at that very moment, like his lips had brushed my skin only a second ago. That lingering feeling had stayed to haunt me, now more vividly than before.

So yes, I knew exactly what he wanted from me, and that simple touch on my back wasn't nearly enough for him. But I... I couldn't... I couldn't even think about the other things he wanted.

But at the same time... I couldn't help it... That single question appeared in my mind, and I couldn't stop it, or push it away.

What did I want?

"I... Sure..." I muttered, taking a step to the side to give him room.

But that step wasn't the last one. Without even realizing it, I walked away from him, and away from the kitchen. Only a few seconds later, I stepped into my room and closed the door with a racing heart. I was almost hyperventilating. I stayed there and stared at the door, but I didn't actually see it.

There was nothing on my mind at that moment. I refused to let myself think. It was too dangerous. I kept my head nice and blank, with absolutely no activity going on. That was exactly how I wanted it. No thoughts. No ideas. Nothing. Just emptiness.

"Hey... I'm sorry..." Cole spoke quietly behind the door. "Are you all right?"

I retreated from the door, gasping for air like he was a monster I needed to get away from. I didn't stop until my back hit the wall. I still stared at the door.

"Please tell me you're all right. I'll leave you alone after that," he begged.

And I begged him to go away. I begged he wouldn't come in.

I couldn't.

I couldn't...

"Feelings are complicated," Vaughn had told me. "They are hard to understand sometimes, and they can be frightening."

"I'm not scared."

"I believe there are moments in everyone's life when feelings are confusing, even scary."

I replayed that entire conversation I'd had with Vaughn. Especially the part about the reason why I wasn't good with social interactions.

And... it calmed me.

"Please?" Cole spoke.

What was I scared of? What on earth was I scared of? Wasn't I here, in this specific bedroom, because I saw him at the gym all those weeks ago? Had I not fought to get better, to get over my trauma with everything I got, because I saw him? Him, Cole. I'd seen him in my darkness, in that gray world I'd built around myself.

Such a simple question. What did I want? I knew the answer already. I'd known the answer ever since I stepped into his bar for the very first time. I stepped into a gay bar because of him.

What was I scared of?

"I'm..." I had to close my eyes and take a deep breath. "Sorry... I'm... I'm a bit of a mess."

I couldn't lie and say I was fine. He knew I wasn't fine. And lying... It didn't do me any good.

"Can I come in?" he asked carefully.

I took a few more breaths. "...Yeah."

He opened the door slowly, and when our eyes met, I felt bad for him and for my behavior. I'd made him anxious and worried over nothing.

"Just a small hiccup..." I muttered, leaning even harder against the wall. "Not doing anything stupid, I swear."

"Good," he breathed out, but didn't look like he believed me.

He glanced at my immediate surroundings, probably looking for dangerous items I could use to hurt myself.

"I'm so sorry for whatever I did," he said when he was sure I had nothing dangerous within my reach.

"It's not your fault. At all," I said, trying to sound as reassuring as I could. "My head just... attacked me..."

"Okay..." he said, taking a step closer. He still didn't look like he believed me.

"Trust me, you did nothing wrong. I just..."

I just what?

Why was it so hard...?

"Cole, I..."

Why was it so hard??

"I..."

What was I afraid of?

"...want..."

I knew what was going to happen if I said the last word. And I was so goddamn afraid of it. I'd never faced anything as scary as this in my entire life.

But when I looked at Cole and saw his warm eyes and a soothing smile that was forming on his lips, I knew I had nothing to be afraid of.

It was time.

"you."