-Randall-

"Do you want to watch a game? Or a movie? Or should we start with that show I talked about?"

"Hmm?" I looked up at Cole as we stopped in front of his door with the grocery bags. "Oh, the show?"

I didn't really care, but he'd talked my ears off about a TV show I'd never heard of on our way back from my place, looking really enthusiastic about it.

"Nice," he said with a smile while opening the door.

I followed him inside, but when he took his shoes off, I just stood there, looking around. Had I ever noticed all the colors before? No. After seeing my own apartment, Cole's looked like an exploded paint factory. There was so much life in it I was almost getting a headache. It wasn't a bad thing, though.

"What's wrong?" Cole asked quietly with worry in his eyes.

I shook my head and kicked my shoes off. "I'm good."

"I know you don't like to talk, but..." he trailed off, but when I looked at him, he looked away. "Sorry... I just..."

"What?"

"I wish you'd let me help... I know there's not much I can do, but I feel so powerless... So... Useless."

I watched him closely for a moment. When I didn't speak, he peered at me carefully, looking sad. Part of me wanted to say I was just fine. I didn't want to say anything more than that. Why did he have to say such awkward things? It made me uncomfortable, and he knew that. I could tell that just by the look on his face.

It was my turn to look away.

"I'm sorry I said anything..." he muttered, sounding defeated.

"You know my issues," I said quietly, hoping that he would leave it at that.

Maybe he did...

"Yeah..."

I needed some distance, so I walked into the living room, pulling my mail out of my pocket. I stopped to stare at the envelopes, my name on them. Randall Allen.

"Should we... watch the show?" Cole asked hesitantly.

I glanced at him. I couldn't understand how I could have such a huge impact on his mood. Why did he let me have such an effect on him? He was miserable because I didn't want to talk to him, and yet, he still wanted to watch the show with me.

I hated it. I hated seeing him like that.

I sighed quietly. Talking. I could do that. I'd done that a lot lately.

"When I said I'm good, I meant it. I am good," I told him.

"Okay, that's good," he said, taking a step toward me with hope in his eyes.

I sighed again. The familiar negative things were lurking nearby, but if talking made him feel better...

"I like your home," I said, practically forcing the words out, then turned to look around the living room. "I feel better here."

"That's really good," he said gently.

I shrugged and sat down on the couch, turning my eyes on the envelopes again. A short moment later, Cole came to sit down next to me.

"Being there... in that place... I never realized how bad it was. The apartment," I spoke, having difficulties to find the words. "It was so empty."

"A bit, yeah..."

"I suppose..." I muttered, taking a break to put my thoughts into words. "It... It wasn't doing me any good. I can see that now. That's good, right?"

"Definitely," he said with a smile.

I turned to look down at my hands. "Is this enough? Enough talking?"

"Of course! You don't have to say anything if you don't want to," he spoke hastily. "We can start watching the show now if you want."

I nodded, and he stood up to find the remote. I watched him in silence, and even though he seemed satisfied with our little talk and his sadness was gone, I still felt unsatisfied.

"Where did you get all this stuff, anyway?" I asked, stopping to stare at a bookcase filled with everything else but books.

"You mean all this crap I own?" he asked with a chuckle, looking at the same bookshelf. "My family likes to travel a lot. Every time they go on a vacation, they come back with a truckload of souvenirs."

I got up and walked to the bookshelf. "I thought you bought all of these..." I said, picking up a small tin soldier.

"Okay, fine, I may have bought a few on my own," he said, and when I looked at him, he smirked. "Okay, maybe not just a few..."

I raised my eyebrow at him.

"I swear I haven't bought all this crap myself," he said with raised hands, still smiling.

"Sure..." I snorted in amusement and put the soldier back on the shelf. "But it's not crap..."

"Yeah?"

I nodded. "I never bought anything for myself. Just a few sets of clothes... I even ate the same food day after day."

I felt cold when I thought about the way I'd lived for all those years.

"I didn't see anything personal at your place," he muttered.

"There wasn't anything personal," I replied quietly. "I have no idea who I am. I don't even know what I like. I don't have a favorite food, nothing..."

"We'll figure it out," Cole promised, slowly stepping right next to me. "We will find you."

I didn't dare to look at him. He was so close... I picked up another toy, a weird-looking pirate with a straw hat on his head.

"I don't know what to buy," I admitted. "If I was told to buy a decoration."

"Should we go find out?" he asked.

"What? Now?"

"Tomorrow?" he suggested.

I stared at the toy, feeling uneasy, so I put it away. "I really don't know what to buy... It'd be pointless to go..."

"Or maybe you'd find something that pleases your eye?"

I still didn't look at him. "Maybe..."

"You don't have to actually buy anything. We could just go for a walk around the mall. Maybe grab something to eat," he spoke tentatively.

That... actually sounded like a good idea. I'd stayed indoors for most of my time here at his place, so maybe it would do me good to visit the outside world, too.

"Yeah, why not," I finally said.

"It'll be fun," he promised, smiling at me.

A short moment later, we started watching the show, though I wasn't paying much attention to it. I kept looking around the apartment, trying to spot something I really liked. It had suddenly become very important to me to find something I liked.

Thanks to my empty home...

It was almost ridiculous how much seeing my own home had affected me. I didn't want to admit it even to myself, but I was... shaken. A little, at least. The emptiness of the place still bothered me, and I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to step foot in it.

Well... I guess it wasn't the apartment that bothered me. It was me. I was bothering myself, whoever the fuck I was. Feelings were for humans, but I barely passed as one. I was just an empty shell, emptier than my own home.

"We don't have to watch this if you don't want to," Cole suddenly said, pausing the DVD.

"I want to. I do, but..." I trailed off with a sigh. "Sorry, my head is a mess..."

"You do not need to apologize," he said, moving on the couch to face me. "You've been through so much fucked up shit..."

"I can't remember the person I was before... Before all that happened," I mumbled.

I did remember one thing. The video clips I used to watch. The ones that turned my life into a living hell. I quickly pushed that thought out of my head, making sure I wasn't looking in Cole's direction.

"How am I supposed to find myself if I can't... can't..."

"There's no hurry," he said softly. "You have all the time in the world to figure things out."

"I'd rather not..." I said and sighed. "I don't want to think. I want..."

What? Go back to how things used to be?

"I want answers," I ended. "This is annoying."

"I'm afraid finding answers requires patience," he said quietly.

I turned to look at him. "I don't have patience," I muttered, getting agitated. "But I don't want to talk anymore. My head hurts."

"All right. Should we continue watching the show?"

I gave it a thought, but I knew I wasn't going to pay attention to it.

"Tell me something," I said.

"Tell you, as in...?"

"Just talk. Tell me something I don't know. Tell me about your family," I said, taking a more comfortable position on the couch.

"Aight," he said with a smile and got up from the couch to get the tin soldier I'd been looking at. "This belonged to my brother. He's a few years older than me and is studying to become a lawyer..."

The way he was able to bounce on a random topic still amazed me. I actually listened to him this time. I didn't know shit about myself, but I didn't know much about Cole, either. And I wanted to learn more about him. It was much simpler than trying to figure out who I was.

And listening to him made me feel better, as always.