Chapter 8

Jaz felt a great deal lighter of heart now that she had Kasey and Chrissy back in her life. She didn't exactly visit them at the main house as they would make a point of coming to see her or making sure they were out and about when she was. They didn't ask her about her baby for which Jaz was grateful, but they did hint at whether or not she'd come to a decision about leaving.

Jaz looked at the mass of brochures that Cord had left on the kitchen table where Jaz wouldn't miss seeing them. It looked like he'd had Eli take him to every travel agent in town to collect them. She spread them out across the table and laughed. There were brochures for trips to the Gold Coast, Uluru, Tasmania, New Zealand and Disneyland.

If Jaz was entirely honest with herself she had no idea what to do or where to go. She'd always wanted to travel, or upgrade her qualifications, attend medical and healing conferences so she could get to know people on a face to face basis not just online. And now. Now that she had a chance to make decisions for herself without her brothers telling her she 'can't'. She was somewhat at a loss.

"I'm not going to rush into anything. I've at least got until Phia has her baby to make a decision, so there's no rush." That being said, Jaz indulged herself by looking through the brochures.

Jaz became so engrossed on the brochures that she was doing startled to hear a knock on the front door. Uncertain as to who it was she came to her feet moving quickly to the door. A small pang of panic set in when she realised it was Nate and for several moments stopped breathing trying to take back control of herself.

When calm returned Jaz opened the door, stepped out onto the porch closing the door behind her, in effect showing him he was not welcome inside. Crossing her arms in front of her Jaz looked him in the eye, "What are you doing here Nate?"

"Jaz just want to talk. I..."

Jaz shook her head. "I don't think this is a good idea. You should leave."

"Jaz. I just want to talk. I won't push. I won't argue. But I need answers. Jaz I need to know."

Jaz could feel herself beginning to shake. After all these years it still hurt to think about how much pain he'd put her through. "What exactly is it that you need to know Nate? Is it how lonely, how isolated I was all those months when I was forced out of my home, away from everything I knew, everyone I cared about? Away from the one man I actually believed loved me."

Jaz took a breath, glaring at him, "Or did you want to know what it was like to be pregnant and studying to be a doctor in a city far away from home and not being able to tell anyone. Being so afraid that if I did my loving brothers would do what they deemed was the right thing again, and take my child away from me to be brought up by someone more appropriate." She pause so her words would sink in. "You know, so I wouldn't sully the great Romanoff name."

Nate opened his mouth to speak, but Jaz raised her hand cutting him off. "Perhaps you'd like to know what it was like to go into labour alone, then to rely on the friendship and strength of the only person I trusted with my secret to help get me through my loss. Or do you want to know how I survived it all. How I was able to bottle it all up and not feel for so long. I had only had a few hours with my son, Nate."

Jaz sighed before continuing never once taking her eyes off Eli." You and Phia will have a life time with your child. Now tell me what exactly is it you want from me?"

Nate saw the pain in Jaz's face, saw it grow with each word spoken, but he needed answers, needed to know, hell he had a damned right to know. This was his son too, but looking at her now, the pain, the anguish he wasn't sure if he could...

"I want to know him too Jaz. He might have been your son, but he mine as well, I have a right..."

Jaz's eyes flashed into her wolf eyes and she growled, her hands turning to claws. Nate took a step back, never in all the years that he'd known her had Jaz ever reacted the way she just had. "Jaz?"

"You. Have. No. Rights. He was is and always will be my son. You can deny it all you want, but I know deep down you knew I was pregnant. You were just too gutless to admit it."

"No Jaz, I swear I didn't know."

"You walked away from me, from us. I tried to see you, to tell you. You wouldn't even say goodbye to me. Have you got any idea what that did to me. Don't tell me you have rights Nate. You have nothing where he is concerned."

Nate tried to speak, to calm her, but Jaz shook her head, "No! I made Phia a promise to stay and take care of her until she has her baby and I'll do that. But if you come near me again or try to come into my home I'll leave and I won't be coming back.

Jaz turned and went back inside leaving a stunned Nate standing on her front porch. She closed the door behind her then slowly made her way upstairs to her bedroom grateful she had the house to herself. As soon as she got into her room she closed the door and sat on her bed pulling a pillow into her arms, holding it against her chest with both her arms. Within moments Jaz was sobbing, her entire body shaking with the force of what was going through her.

Jaz lay back on her bed and curled up into herself letting her emotions take over. It seemed that all the years she'd held back were taking over and she couldn't hold back like she used to. Perhaps this was a godsend, she knew one day she'd have to let go - open up and free herself of the grief she'd held so deep, so close all these years. She just hadn't counted on it being so... so emotional. Or so tiring.

Jaz woke several hours later to the smell of something sweet and syrupy and just knew that Emma was in the kitchen. She didn't bother checking the time, it didn't matter. Her stomach growled so she headed down to Emma knowing she'd see to her needs.

"Hi Emma, how long have you been here?"

"A few hours. I did some baking, made a batch of honey biscuits, a honey cake and a date and walnut loaf. Oh and I have a casserole in the oven for dinner. Take a seat, I just put the kettle on."

Jaz sat at the table and within minutes had a cup of tea and a roast beef sandwich in front of her. "Emma, you are too good to me. Thank you."

"Eat and have some fruit as well, you need to put some weight on."

Jaz smiled at the woman and picked up her sandwich. Yes she needed to put on some weight, she needed to be strong no matter what her final decision turned out to be. And if Nate pushed her; would she do what she'd said and leave? For now Jaz didn't want to think on it. Right now she had far too much to concern herself with. She had a family that she knew no matter her decision would stand with her and that meant leaving the Compound if that was her decision.

Jaz knew her brothers would want her to stay, want her to consider the loss to the Pack she'd cause by leaving. Because it wouldn't just be her leaving, there would also be two Enforcers leaving as well. That one of those Enforcers happened to be a Sacred Guardian would be a huge loss to the Pack. A situation that would not sit well with either brothers.

Her mind went back to the night of Cade's seventeenth birthday and the bond between Cade her two friends Taylor and Leith. They had been tested in order to one day stand by Cades side. Although they were still as yet not fully trained, if Cade left with her they would follow just as soon as they were able.

Both Taylor and Leith were potential Enforcers so that would be in effect a loss of four Enforcers. But to lose a Sacred Guardian... the first in centuries, that was too much to ask. Jaz felt ill, there was no way her brothers could allow this to happen it would be too great a loss.

Jaz finished off her lunch and made her way to the back porch wandering down into the garden where she sat on an old bench. Her mind had been swirling with thoughts which were now becoming clearer. Closing her eyes she focused on her home, her family and what she needed to do. Then it hit her like a ton of bricks.

Dear God! It's as if they were doing it again, controlling my life, but without even trying, without lifting a finger or saying a word. Jaz looked around her garden smiled softly at Emma as she saw her looking out the window from the house. She knew she hadn't just come to do some baking, she'd come to check in and see if she was doing all right. Emma truly was family and what of her if she left?

Then the panic hit again. Is their influence so ingrained that I can't get away from it? Is my concern for the wellbeing of the Pack so ingrained that it's what comes first, even before my family, my own sanity?

Jaz felt a hand on her shoulder and calm settled over her. "It'll be okay Jaz. No matter your decision Kasey and I will stand with you."

Next minute Chrissy was sitting beside her and Jaz was resting her head on her shoulder, needing the support. She didn't speak, there was no need. Chrissy was the Pack Omega and more than empathic enough to know that Jaz needed a friend to lean on not someone to tell her how to live her life.

They sat quietly for some time Jaz needing another adult to lean on and Chrissy happy to once again have Jaz's friendship.

After a while Chrissy pulled back a little from her friend and sister, "Jaz, I'm thinking maybe you're too close to everything. I mean you're too close to your past and what's happening now to be able to make a decision about your future. The future of your family."

Jaz turned to Chrissy wanted to see in her eyes if she was speaking as a friend or as a Pack representative. She saw nothing but caring reflective in her eyes and couldn't help but feel shame at what she'd been thinking.

"What do you have in mind?"

"Well... when was the last time you had a break from the Compound? I mean geez Jaz if anyone deserves a holiday you do." Jaz started shaking her head, so Chrissy backtracked, "Okay, maybe not a holiday but at least a few days away from here. And don't tell me you can't do that!"

Chrissy waited, when Jaz nodded she continued, "Good. We can check out a few places together or you can talk it over with your family. Work out where you'd like to go, if you want anyone to go with you or not, but Jaz. You seriously need to get away from here for a while. Organise everything first, then let your brothers know and if you need me with you when you tell them let me know."

Jaz couldn't find her voice so smiled and nodded. This was what she needed, the warmth and support of someone else, someone outside her immediate household. Jaz rested her head back on Chrissy's shoulder, for now needing the support. Chrissy in turn leaned into Jaz as they both sat quietly enjoying a warm afternoon's sunshine with a soft breeze brushing over their faces.

As she sat quietly Jaz quite aware that Chrissy was working her magic and calming her, she came to a decision of sorts. If she was to leave here for a time to consider her options, sort through her mind and mayhap come to some kind of a decision in regards to her future, she'd need to go alone. She needed time out away from everyone and everything to do with the Compound and the world she'd been closed into for so long.

Jaz sighed softly decision made. Tonight over dinner she'd tell her family, let them know what she'd decided and why. Then she'd take a couple of days to figure out where and when she'd go.

Chrissy pulled back her calming magic sensing Jaz was no longer in need of it. She'd keep an empathic eye on her until she left, but leave Jaz to make her own decisions. So long as Jaz knew she wasn't on her own. "Come on Jaz," Chrissy got to her feet, tugging Jaz along with her. "I'm thinking Emma might have the kettle on for tea and I can smell her honey cake from here."