My name is Parker Jesse, and this is my story.

I live in Southern Ohio, and attend the same school as Ricky. I just turned 15 today (9-6-01) and I am a freshman. I like to write about dark subjects, listen to classic rock, and research as much as I can about youtubers and musicians I love. I am not out as transgender, so naturally I still have long hair and a girl figure.

I learned about transgender people when I was in fourth grade, but did not know the definition would define me until I was in fifth grade, aged eleven. I started wearing my hair up in pony tails every day and wearing hoodies in hopes to make myself feel better about my situation.

By the time sixth grade came around, I felt like I was ready to tell my parents. It was a mistake. I remember it being around October, and my parents were making me see this therapist at my school during the first twenty minutes of math. I told him about it, and a week later we had my mom in the office. I had written her a letter because I was too scared to say anything, she seemed to accept it well in front of him. We both cried and hugged. I guess it was just an act.

When I got home that day from school both of my parents were in the living room waiting for me. They were telling me I can't do this to them, my dad saying he didn't even know what that was, he'd never heard the term before. By the end of the night, god it's so blurry now it caused so much pain to me, we were yelling at each other. Bottom line was, never tell a soul about this, because everyone will reject and laugh at me. And they can't have that. The next day my mother took me out of therapy, I guess because she thought he talked me into thinking I was transgender, I don't know.

Fast forward to the end of seventh grade, in April, right before summer. I had told close friends around me about my situation, but it wasn't enough. My parents never talked about it again and the rejection has affected me to where I can't show emotion in front of people, if you've seen me cry you're very special. I have to hold it all in. By this time, being thirteen, I had enough of it.

I walked into to seventh grade everyday, making sure to look at everyone and everything so I didn't forget it when I died, I went to school thinking it would be my last day. I'd hug people and tell them I loved them, again, thinking I'd never see them again. Everyday I told myself that I would kill my self that night. I'd always chicken out, but I'd always have a razor in my hand and my favorite songs playing to die to. Suicide notes written over and over to get it right.

I couldn't take the dreams I was experiencing. Either I was a boy fully transitioned and my parents loved me. The others, like the ones I still have now, where of me killing myself, still a girl. It all boiled down to July 19, 2015, when I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt.

And still, to this day, no one in my family brings it up. For the last six months I've gotten into makeup so I'm like oh! I'm okay with not being a boy right now, but I've fallen right back into gender dysphoria, what I've been experiencing since I've been eleven years old. It isn't a "phase" and it won't go away. It's who I am.

I am Parker Jesse, and I am a boy.