5/18/24

welp

two days till my death date

whatever will happen 

ugh i'm glad to be leaving this hell hole, two days and it's SO LONG FUCKERS forever

so today i have a bday party for one of my best friends 

exciting ig  

i hate socializing 

but it's just my four friends

fuck i'm lonely 

they're the only ppl i can tolerate tho 

so hehe

i'm so done with life 

so fucking exhausting 

welp

uh

my mom knows abt discord 

not wp tho

i could never tell her abt wp

OH NICKS AWAKE

brb my bitches 

alr i'm back

this time with fooddddd

bacon bow tie (bacon wrapped in a croissant and maple syrup on it)

and a chocolate croissant 

i went to this bakery w my mom

it's only 10am😭

it feels so much later 

5/23/24

10:27 PM

I should

I should be grateful

I should be happy

I should love it all

Love life

Not have any problems

Because of my life, my circumstances.

Idk if ppl know that financial problems aren't the only problems in life

I guess they forgot that

Idk

If u have money life is great

According to everyone Ik

So

Great

I can't tell ppl

I sound ungrateful

And no we wouldn't want that

Because my problems aren't important

To anyone

There's a time when I thought ppl wanted to hear them

That time is over now

Cmon Sylvia fucking do it

Go back to urself who kept everything to herself

It's easy

Easy

Easy

Cuz im supposed to have no problems

Right

Oh and if I wanna kms or cut or do anything to myself it's always "try not to." "Try a little more"

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IVE TRIED

HOW FUCKING HARD IVE TRIED

SO FUCKING HARD

TO BE PERFECT

TO BE GOOD

TO TRY TO BE LOVED AND WANTED AND CARED FOR BY THE PEOPLE WHO GAVE BIRTH TO ME

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GROW UP SEEING UR PARENTS ONCE A MONTH?!?

TO KNOW BABYSITTERS AND NANNYS BETTER THAN UR OWN PARENTS

I CANT RECALL A SINGLE CHILDHOOD MEMORY OF ME AND MY PARENTS

BUT I HAVE A SHIT TON OF MEMORIES WITH THE NANNYS I HAD

Everyday it's a wonder of "are they going to be here today?"

I have money

I have nice things

I'm okay with my living conditions

I have "everything"

So it seems

But all I ever wanted in life was for my parents to stop fighting and actually parent

All I wanted was people who wanted me

Gave two shits about me

I didn't I never had that

I don't have that

Growing up wondering if ur okay to leave ur room

Wondering who's gonna babysit you today

Who's gonna be there when u wake up?

Who's gonna put you to bed?

Who's going to be in the house while ur sleeping?

Who's going to be okay and who's going to end up with a bloody limb?

Who's gonna take care of you for the next week?

When was the last time you saw your parents?

Is this normal?

Or is no one else you know live like this?

Do they see their parents?

Are they taken care of?

Do their parents travel all the time?

Can their parents even handle being in the same room?

I've traveled the world

I've seen a lot worse than what I was given

But I've see a lot better

Is it bad I want to be happy?

Is it bad I want to kms?

Why can everyone else wanna die and I can't?

WHY?

WHY AM I THE LEAST FAVORITE

WHY ME????

Why did I have to get slut shamed?

Why did I have ti get the death threats?

Why am I the one who has to get told to kys?

Why am I the only one locked out during snow storms?

Why was I forced to grow up so early?

From the age of 5 I had to move to an island

And learn a new language

And most importantly

Learn how to take care of myself

Nanny's went bye bye and being left home alone for hours at a time went hello hello.

I had to learn how to cook

Take care of a fetus

Learn how to drive

How to fight incase someone came

How to help my parents not separate

How to be the one to get hit and yelled at when my older brother had his rampages

The one who took care of everyone

The one who had no friends

The one who was quiet and just wanted to not be a problem

But ended up always being the problem

The one who's birthday was forgotten

Sorry for ranting