An hour and three double Scotches later I found myself at the bar in Nick's club. While the world still seemed somewhat behind in catching up with reality, it was starting to shift into a frame I recognised more. The bitter fire of the drink lighting its way through my dark thoughts like some fucking comet, the bass of the track blasting through the speakers, hammering the rhythm in my chest, the crowd swaying along under the storm of flashing disco lights. I turned to watch them.

The place was full of gangsters. At least half of them I recognised as colleagues working for the same organisation, the other half could have been anyone as long as at least someone knew who the fuck they were. It was Rob and Jack's job at the door to know who that someone was and how to take care of him if there was any trouble.

And of course there were the ladies. Prostitutes, most of them, but I wasn't picky when it came to staring at half-naked girls on the dancefloor, showing the world how they would shag the brains out of you given half the chance. It didn't take long before one of them decided to have a sniff at me.

'Can I get you anything?' I offered with a smile.

'A G and T, thanks!' She grinned back, lips cherry-red, eyes full of promise. 'It's Ella!' she added after a second thought.

'Eddie' I informed her with a nod.

I turned back to signal Sam, the barkeep. By the time I got the drinks a minute later however my new girlfriend already had another bloke entertaining her. I raised an eyebrow as I made myself known to him. He had the grace to look terrified for a second as he spit the beer out.

'Eddie,' he shouted through the noise, desperately trying to reorganise his face into something more confident, failing by a mile. 'Fucking hell, I didn't know you were here! You hardly show yourself around these parts anymore!'

'Well, I'm here now,' I demonstrated the expression he was after, 'so, if you could excuse us...'

'Heh, of course, of course!' He gestured wildly with his free hand as if it had suddenly caught fire. 'And you know what? She's on me tonight!' The little shit pointed at the hooker a few times and repeated 'On me tonight!' over-articulating every word in case anyone had the slightest doubt what he was on about. I gave him a brief nod and walked the girl upstairs toward the offices, if for nothing else, just to get rid of him. And in any case who knew, maybe this was exactly what I needed.

The door hardly closed behind me when her body slammed against mine and she started passionately kissing me on the mouth. In my surprise I kissed back. This was very unusual behaviour from a hooker. Either she was really into me or on something very special. If it was the former, I didn't care. If it was the latter, I wanted some too.

Her lips played with mine in ways that would raise the dead, fingers expertly unbuttoning both of our shirts simultaneously, not a moment wasted. I let a sigh carry my worries away as her hot breath moved down my neck and chest, those cherry-red lips diligently massaging fire into every little part of me. Lust drew my hands like magnets toward her full breasts, fingers questing for nipples under the black lace push up bra, my gaze shifting along her delicate lines, drinking in every defiant curve, every mischievous hollow. As I was standing there, watching her closing on the lower part of my body, half-dressed and greedy, she looked sexy as hell and God knows, I was ready for the ride.

I moved a hand up to stroke her fine hair, blond like summer sun on a spotless blue sky, blond like they had it in those magazines single men like to keep at home close by, blond like that queenly, stunning mane Aleanna wore on that pretty head of hers. I smiled at the thought of her. A slow, longing smile, every piece of me suddenly wishing that it was her there with me. I looked down again, which was a mistake. No one ever looked more off-putting in my life than the poor girl kneeling in front of me right at that moment. My body echoed my disappointment, but she showed no sign of surprise or hesitation, so I closed my eyes and tried to sneak back to the woman I was secretly craving for.

It was no use. I wanted her. Her and her alone. I wanted her so much my whole body ached with it. I wanted her so much I felt like roaring in frustration.

'Stop it!' I mumbled instead trying to push Ella gently away, but she was having none of it. And all the while all I could think of was that ravishing goddess, who was most likely watching her favourite series with her cat as usual this time on a Wednesday night. In fact I knew this to be true because I checked on her on my way back from the church to the car.

Abruptly the thought of the dark church walls froze me. 'Stop it!' I said again to no avail. The image of the church like a black shadow was spreading into my mind now, like a virus, like a cancer eating up every crumb of sanity, every trace of light. It wasn't the church I'd been to this afternoon. It was the church from aeons ago, a time pushed into exile so completely in the back of my mind, it felt as if it had been a different life. It was the church that burned me into who I was today. The one I ran into to hide. The one he followed me into.

'Stop it!' I said loudly now, eyes gripped tight by the dread that folded me as his face appeared so clearly, showing again every bead of sweat, every freckle, every line as though he stood there right in front of me. Twelve years old again just like then. Twelve years old forever.

'STOP IIIIIT!!!' I bellowed, the darkness inside me exploding into the open. She drew away at that, frightened, but I still hit her. Hard.

I was only vaguely aware that she picked up her shirt from the floor and ran out crying, while I sat down on a chair and lowered my head between my legs.

'Are you okay, boss?' I looked up to see Alex at the door. I gave him a sigh that he took to be an invitation to enter and pulled up a chair next to mine.

'It's just...' I started then stopped tentatively 'I don't know. Maybe I just need some time off.' I shrugged.

He pushed on a sympathetic face at that, then added 'But did it really have to be Ella? Poor girl! I was just starting to think she was returning to the living once again after all that sad business with Daniel. And then you march in, looking just like him...'

'Daniel?' I echoed. I never considered whether I looked anything like Daniel before, but we were about the same height, I suppose, bald head, dark eyes.... But for fuck's sake! Didn't all hitmen looked about the same? I for one certainly didn't feel like I looked that much different from any of the handful I knew. Well, one less, anyhow.

'What about Daniel?' I repeated. 'Was she into him?'

Alex just gave me a look as though I should fucking know the top customer chart of every last hooker that worked for him. Daniel was remarkable though. He was, after all, one of the best.

Stomach cancer took him. Came out of nowhere and finished off one of the finest assassins on the planet in just about two months. Even I was shocked. The funeral was back in March and I had seriously considering going too, but instead I had to attend to an urgent matter in Bruges in the end.

'Didn't Daniel have a wife though?' I asked as if it mattered 'or someone?' trying to remember hard, because I vaguely recalled him mentioning some woman once.

'Daniel fell in love with someone last year big time' Alex informed me, eager to fill me on the details. Because clearly, given how my evening was progressing, all I still needed was an animated recap of the last episode in our melodramatic gangster soap opera.

'He was completely cuckoo about her apparently,' he added, 'and stopped visiting the club altogether. That was when our little Ella started fading like a flower.'

That was my call. I stood up without hesitation and headed toward the exit.

'But what's wrong with you, man?' Alex's uneasy voice reached me. 'Is it an allergy?'

'Allergy?' I turned at the door and looked at him questioningly.

'Your skin, Eddie' he pointed his chin at me. 'Is it allergy?'

'My skin?' I asked again, starting to feel rather foolish now.

'Your forehead, boss!' he said. 'You keep rubbing at it!'

'I do?' I considered that for a moment and realised that he was right.

'You are! I was watching you when you sat at the bar, too! Because for a while I just couldn't quite figure out what the hell you were doing. But then I saw that you just kept scratching your forehead. Is it an allergy?'

'Hmmm...' I stroked my chin at that for a change. It was where I touched my face with the holly water in the church. Maybe there was some chemical in it. You just can't trust anything these days. I made to leave, planning to visit the gents on my way out to wash it off, but something was irking me, so I turned back for one more question.

'Tell me, Alex,' I said. 'Where was Daniel treated again with that cancer? Before he died?'

'He was in the Whittington Hospital. Near Highgate,' he supplied.

'Interesting.' I said as I finally turned to leave. And I meant it.