Do you remember when we were still in secondary school, when we would sneak off while everyone else were still in class so we could kiss and explore each other bodies? Do you remember when we couldn't concentrate on lessons as we sneaked glances at each other? Do you remember how our classmates had teased us about it but you did not even care? Do you remember when we knew every corner of the school so that we could hide as we talked about the future and other things that didn't even matter?

You should remember because it was in one of those corners that you told me how much you loved me, your eyes tearing up as you kept on saying how lucky you were to have me. Do you remember when the desire and passion had been so pent up that when you had groped my breasts I could feel the frustration rolling off you in waves, when our pelvises grounded together but it was not enough? Do you remember that it was never enough? Do you remember that we had wanted more? So much more?

Do you remember when people said it wouldn't last, when the adults said that we were too young and what we were feeling would pass and then right after I had cried on your shoulder and you assured me that everything would be okay? Do you remember that you said that we would soon leave Secondary School and then we would be together forever? Do you remember that I had looked into your eyes and asked if you meant it? Do you remember that you had said yes? Do you remember that I had asked you again and you had said yes again?

Do you remember when we started to have problems, when you screamed and said words that you did not mean? Or at least I think you didn't. Can you remember what you said the problem was? You said I did not care about you. You said I liked someone else and I was cheating on him with you. You just said things. I thought you were getting tired of me but I apologized but you did not listen. You said you forgave me but you would act indifferent towards me, you would not smile at me like you used to, you would not hold my hands like before, you just drifted away from me. I apologized again and again but you had still acted horrible to me, but I was willing to forgive you. I just needed everything to be alright but you were ready to give up on us.

Nosa, you did not think of all those times that you hurt me, all those times that I was talking to you but your eyes were over my head as you laughed heartily at something some other girl said. You did not think of those times you got angry because I was angry with you, turning the table so amusingly on me, those times when you got angry with me because I was laughing with another boy while you were friends with almost every girl in the class. You did not think of those times when I had overlooked everything, when I had forgiven you without actually confronting you. You claimed that I had been making mistakes in our relationships since we started it and I said all of it was bullshit. That was what happened in a relationship, I said, you made mistakes and you were forgiven. You did not listen, you broke up with me.

Do you remember that despite all those circumstances, I tried to get you back? Do you remember that night that you had told me over text that you loved me and we would soon get back together but the next day, you told me that it would never happen because the trust was no longer there and because I had started flirting with another guy, a guy you said had caused problems in our relationship before? Was that what had gotten you off? Playing with my feelings? I think that was what it was.

Do you remember that I had sent a long message on Facebook, as I swallowed my pride, begging you to take me back, that I would be better, but you ignored me and the next day, you sent me a message on WhatsApp like nothing had happened the night before.
Even till today, you never replied the message.

Do you remember that even after we had broken up we still acted like couples? Do you remember that we fought pettily and argued about our relationship a lot? You blamed me and I blamed both of us and then you blamed me again. You blamed me for everything, Nosa. Everything all seems a bit childish now; your character and the way I was so eager to please you, the stupid way I let everything you did to me affect me, change me.

I know that if you had the chance to tell our story, you would pin everything on me, you would blame me for everything you did, you would say because I did, you would make yourself the victim, you would never see it from my point of view, just like you never had when we argued and I tried to explain to myself to you. Do you remember that?

I was not a saint. Sure I did things, sure I lied sometimes but everybody does that. You did it too and I forgave you but you could not just do the same for me. I remember very well.

Do you remember that I could not take it anymore and I had asked that we stop talking? Do you remember that you tried to gaslight me into staying but my mind was already made up? Do you remember that I had gotten better when I had stayed away from you? Do you remember that when I had  at least tried to be friends again, you had been cold towards me? Do you remember that you made awful jibes at me? Do you remember that you insulted me once and even laughed when you saw that I was offended? Do you remember that one day, you just stopped talking to me?

Do you remember?

I had already forgotten, only hazy memories staying in my head. I was justified really, it had happened so many years ago and I had learned to push everything that we shared to the back of my mind but that moment when I looked up and our eyes met, I remembered and I think you did too.

My mother had already told me never to look up directly at the sun, to keep my head down and away from the bright ray of light because I had weak eyes and because, having been in Germany for over ten years, my body had grown unaccustomed to heat. She urged me to always order an Uber or better still to enter a public transport, anything but to walk in the sun, but that day I felt like walking and feeling the sun on my skin. No matter what my mom or anybody said, I was still a Nigerian and that day, I wanted to feel that way.

I was walking slowly, bouncing a little because I felt happy, on an unfamiliar street when I noticed the house. It was located in the lone corner where I was strolling and I had thought that it was very beautiful for a mansion. I had always thought that mansions were just big and shapeless but that house caught my attention. I noticed two figures standing and talking on the upstairs balcony but I paid them no mind as I stopped to admire the house just for a few seconds.

But then, you laughed.

Your laugh had not changed one bit, it was the laugh I remembered; loud and booming and seeking attention. You got the attention because I looked up, even though i should have kept walking because for a moment the laugh was familiar but distant as I raked my brain to recall where I knew the laugh from and when I looked up, I remembered.

You were still smiling, the aftermath of the joke that had been made still lingering, but as you took in my face and remembered, the smile faded and you whispered something to yourself and ran inside, leaving the person with you bewildered and confused. I thought that the thought of me had disgusted you, that you never wanted to see my face ever in your life. I should have left as those negative thoughts swirled in my head, but my legs did not move even though I willed them to. Even though I wanted to run as fast as I could, I stayed and I peered at the gate, urging it with my eyes to swing open.

And it did.

You walked out cautiously, forgetting to close the gate behind you. You stared at me and your stare made me feel weak, just like it had those many years ago. You ran your hands through your hair as you crossed the road and I did not remember your hair being so long and wavy and silky but it was now and I loved it. It made your brown eyes pop.

You were also so muscular now that even your white T-shirt could not hide that fact. You were sporting a very neat beard and I wondered if somehow you had hacked into my thoughts while I was in Germany and you found out that I liked beards. Pretty stupid, I know.

"Lola?" You asked, drawing out my name in two long syllables like you always did, and the power it took to still my face as it wanted to break into a smile was so overpowering that my jaw muscles clenched.

"Yes, Nosa," I did not need to ask if it was you or not, I already knew. I already remembered everything. I was disappointed because I thought you knew too, I thought you had no doubts but then, I'd like to think that you did not want it to be me. You did not want the half stranger standing in front of you to be me. Or you desperately wanted it to be me. Well, I don't know, really.

"Lola!" You exclaimed as your lips lifted into a bright smile and although I did not want to, I smiled too and I was sure that my smile was mirroring yours, sure that they were the same. "You've changed! You're now.... fatter."

My face scrunched up at your words in a playful manner. In secondary school, I had been a rather skinny teenager but now, thanks to adulthood and oyinbo food (my mother's words not mine), I was robust but only in the right places.

"Fat?" I asked laughing. "You look good too. Really really good."

"No, no," You spluttered nervously, choking on your own saliva. "I did not mean it that way. I only meant that you have more... Erm..." You rubbed your hand over the back of your neck nervously and I laughed again. In just a minute, I was laughing more than I ever had since I came back to Nigeria.
It was part of your charms, just as it had been then.

You grabbed my arm and began to pull me to the direction of your house, muttering words to yourself, "You must see my house today. My elder brother, Esosa, is here. He was the one upstairs with me. Did I tell you that he's getting married in six months?"

Nosa, how could you have told me when we haven't spoken in twelve years? Sure I had heard things about you and the progresses you've made, as you must have done too with me, but we had not spoken one-on-one, Nosa. I did not say anything though as I nodded quickly at the things you were saying. I had almost entered the house, the melody of your voice luring me in, when I remembered.

"I'm sorry, Nosa. I can't enter," I was only an inch away from the foot of the gate and I thought about how easy it would be to leap in, how easy it would be to just accept whatever this was as fate.

"Why?" You crossed your arms over your chest, confusion clearly vivid in your features and I looked away.

"I have somewhere to be."

"Okay o. Can I get your number?"

My head throbbed as the rays of the sun continued to glare into my eyes. It would have been easier to give you a wrong number or to just suck my teeth and walk away.

"Um, I've just been in Nigeria for a couple of months. I don't know it offhand and I don't have it saved on my phone. I wrote it down in a book but it's obviously not here." I did not suggest to collect your own number, probably because I would never text you.

You smiled, a smile that said you were indulging my incapability and you said, "Do you reckon Saïd has it? He and Eliza are the only ones out of our former classmates that I still tolerate. I know he has your number. He posted your pictures recently and you two were sure cozy at a time."

I looked at you and suddenly the old Nosa was in front of me. He was a bit younger than you and his lips were twisted into an ugly sneer but I would not feel scared or dominated so I blinked rapidly and the new Nosa, the one who had changed in body but not in mind, you, appeared back in front of me.

"Yeah, he does," I said softly, shaking my head at how stupid I had been to hope. "What about Evangelism? The girl you were cozy with while I was cozy with Saïd?"

Your eyes flashed with jealousy and I thought of it as an irrational emotion. I expected to see insecurity or indifference or maybe even anger but it was jealousy.

"Her name is Evangeline," You said calmly, too calmly.

I shrugged, "Same thing, same thing."

"You still act like a child, I see."

"You started it, man. Don't blame me for finishing what you started, Nosa."

You sighed slowly and I smiled as awkward silence and heat engulfed us like a cocoon. I wanted to run my hands over your cheekbones, your lips, every inch of you. I wanted to apologise like I always did, because I knew you were angry with me again. I wanted the strong wall building inside of me to crumble, I wanted to let what I felt for you overpower me but something foreign and overwhelming was bubbling inside of me. Twelve years ago, I would have entered your house without hesitation but something had changed. One thing was for sure, evolution (or redemption? I did not yet have the right word) was going to be the next topic on my blog because that was the only word I could use to describe my feeling. The point is, I had grown and I had healed and it felt good, Nosa, really good.

Believe me, Nosa, I wanted to think that you had changed too, that even if you hadn't, you could change. You had not promised me that the last time so maybe if you promised me this time, it would actually work. We could work.

But I knew it was not meant to be. Perhaps I knew this from the frown that appeared on your face ever since Saïd was mentioned.

Why? You still couldn't trust me around boys that you could not bully? Was it because of Saïd's confidence? Was it because even throughout the time we were together he tried to get me to be his? Is it because he finally got me to be his, even if it was for a short while? Hmm? Why, Nosa, why?

Perhaps I knew it was not meant to be because of the way you were standing, your shoulders rigid and your legs spread apart, ready for a fight, ready for an argument, ready to put me down.

Perhaps I knew it was not meant to be because deep down I knew I would be the one to toast you. No, toast was not the right word. I had asked men out before, it was part of the gender equality thing, but I knew it would be different with you. You would need cajoling and I would need to assure you that I would change. We would never talk about your own shortcomings because by some miracle, you believed you had none. I could deal with that before but now, I needed assurance myself and I knew you would never give me that.

So instead of me to hold your hand and drag you inside so we could catch up and kiss and whatnot, I stood there and stared at your face for a long time and you stared back at me, your lips lifting into a half smile.

I thought about what would become of us if I let that small voice screaming in my head win. We would probably be fine for the next three days. We would talk until the wee hours of the night, you would probably kiss me in the middle of the conversations and probe under my shirt. You would tell me that you never stopped loving me and I would say that I had only thought that I had stopped loving you and we would fall asleep in each others arms and we would live slightly happily ever after in arguments and distrust. You would start fighting, arguing, with me because you just liked doing it. You would not want to date me
You would say, "Let's see how it goes," and I would remain confused for the rest of my life. That was not enough for me.

So I looked away from your face and asked, "What's your address please?"

You told me and I immediately ordered the Uber. I smiled and told you that the Uber would soon arrive as it seemed like it was only appropriate I do that.
You asked if you should wait for the car with me but I said no. You hugged me tightly and kissed my cheeks repeatedly and I knew you had realized that we would never have our love, our thing, back.

Even when my Uber arrived, even when I knew that you were staring at me from the balcony, I never looked up.

I would never allow myself to hope when it came to you. Our story ended twelve years ago, Nosa, I hope you remember that.