Chapter 37

The pack leaders had convened their meeting in the courtyard across the camp. I could hear the chatter amongst the crowd as the Alpha had his say. I listened to their outrage when they learned of the blood-drinker’s betrayal and their angst at the thought of the upcoming battle.

I listened as my brothers were introduced to the wolves and I heard the uncertainty among the creatures at the idea of working with us.  While I listened to them, I watched Malik, who sat by my mate’s bedside, holding his hand as he regaled him with tales of his childhood.

It was a pitiful site I thought. Speaking animatedly to an ill person who lay in troubled sleep.

Pitiful and sad and almost without hope. The feelings I felt as I stood there were foreign to me, like an anxiousness I had never before experienced, and a sense of hopelessness that would surely drive me insane. Here I stood; the predator living amongst my prey, the confident hunter, the ruthless warrior, yet I was quaking in my antique boots—fearful for the life of a mere human.

Except he had never been a mere human. Never in my eyes. Not since the first instant I had laid eyes on him and not a moment since then. He lay there, brave even in sleep, fighting even in pain and dearer to me than my own life.

Throughout the centuries I had heard this feeling of love called by many names, but never had I thought of it as a burden; never until this moment. It had become a burden the second I had to watch him suffer, unable to offer aid. The moment I had had to sit and watch him scream in agony, unable to offer him relief and he instant I had had to render him unconscious in order to silence his cries. My love for him had become a burden and for the first time in my very long life, I hurt.

…………………………………………..

~A mere three months after they first met~

“So I was thinking…” he trailed off and I watched him run his fingers slowly over mine. One by one before he linked our hands together and squeezed slightly.

“Go on.” I prompted him and he looked away from our joint hands and toward the star-filled sky and shrugged.

He allowed the silence to settle between us and for a while I allowed him time with his thoughts.  It was a night I could only describe as peaceful. There was a slight breeze, not much in the way of vehicular traffic on the ground below to disturb our thoughts, and for whatever reason the stars appeared particularly bright in the sky.

I was able to watch him uninhibited. I took in every touch of his long lashes against his skin, every swipe of his tongue across his lips and the beating of his pulse under my thumb at his wrist. As I watched, he let out a sigh, then shrugged; an action I had never liked.

“A shrug is not an answer.” I told him and finally he tore his eyes away from the beautiful black vault above us and looked at me.

Another shrug. “Never mind, I was just…thinking out loud I guess.”

I continued to watch him, taking in the stiff set of his shoulders, the way he bit his lip slightly and how while he looked at me, he could not seem to meet my gaze.

“Something troubles you. Tell me.”

He shook his head and once again looked away. His eyes travelled around the roof, settling on nothing in the dark. “Nothing’s bothering me… I’m just…Now that I’ve thought about it I doubt it’s something you’ll be happy to hear.” He explained.

“How will you know unless you tell me?”

When he extricated his hand from mine and stood, I continued to watch him, unable to understand this new mood he was in, especially when he had been practically on the edge of euphoria just moments before. Humans were strange I thought. Their mood changed with the wind, their thoughts strayed with a breath and their stubbornness knew no bounds.

Humans...or perhaps it was just this human. My human. Perhaps this was simply an aspect of his ever-evolving personality; something about him that I would, like everything else, eventually grow accustomed to.

When he stepped to the edge of the roof, I stood. “Why must you continually put yourself in harm’s way?”

He turned to me then, his feet just at the very edge of the ledge and I was surprised when his smile grew. “Don’t you just wanna feel the rush sometimes?”

He was making not a lick of sense.

“The rush of what?”

“I don’t know…the rush!” he exclaimed and I took another step toward him. “Like…” he seemed to contemplate his words for a moment before he issued a sigh. “I can’t explain it.”

When I was by his side I took hold of his arm and pulled him away from the edge.

“I suppose you mean the adrenaline. Humans tend to experience it when they find themselves in dangerous situations. Though I fail to see why anyone would feel the need to force it upon themselves.”

He allowed me to pull him back to the center of the roof without objection, but when I urged him to sit, he did not. Instead he turned his face up to the sky and smiled.

“I think maybe I like danger.”

“No one likes danger.” I argued, but his smile only grew.

“You said it yourself that you’re dangerous.” He began “I feel that rush every time I’m with you. Every single time, no matter what we’re doing and it’s addicting… and I like it.”

“Then perhaps we need some time apart. It cannot be healthy for you to—”

“I’ve been thinking…” he interrupted and I paused.

He was an odd one, my Tony, but I indulged him nonetheless.

“And what is that that you’ve been thinking?” I questioned, wondering if perhaps this time he would relay what was on his mind.

When he looked at me, our eyes met and in his I could see an emotion I had seen too many times in the past. An expression I had seen mirrored in the eyes of many beings over the centuries, though not one I had ever expected to be directed my way.

“I’ve been thinking that maybe I love you.” He said finally, his voice clear and his tone firm, as though he were challenging me to dispute his words, and when I offered nothing in answer— perhaps due to my own surprise or perhaps because I knew not how to respond—he smiled.

…………………………………………………..

~Present~

“Poor time for you to be spilling all your dirty secrets don’t you think?”

Malik stopped mid-sentence and looked up at me, his expression torn. “I already feel like shit for not telling him before all this, you don’t need to rub it in.”

“If he does not make it, everything I have been urging you to tell him from the start will be lost. He would fade away without ever knowing you meant anything to him. He would fade away without ever having known that you cared.”

He looked down at Tony, then at their joined hands and for the first time since I had met him, his expression reflected an ancient kind of sadness. As though it had long ago settled in his heart and could no longer be contained.

“I made a mistake. I’ve already accepted that.” He said, before his eyes met my own. “I’m guessing you already told him everything you wanted to say then? You’ve got no secrets left unsaid…no last words?” he taunted and for a moment, I felt the urge to reach out and stifle him.

“Tony knows of my love for him. I have told him everything he needed to know. If he should go I shall have no regrets.” The lie rolled off my tongue, leaving behind a bitter aftertaste.

“You speak of him as though you have given up on any chance of his recovery.” It was Kaio who spoke then. His voice was soft and filled with hurt and when he looked at me, I could see his pleading. I could see his fear.

“I would never give up on him. He is my life mate. No one else in the world can hold a candle to what he means to me. However we know nothing much of his injury. I have never before seen a human in his condition and as much as you wish differently, hope alone cannot save him.”

“Then change him.” Malik retorted, his voice sounding harsh and unforgiving in the quiet room. “Make him one of you.”

“Do not be daft Malik. We do not know enough about his injury to know how his body would react to the change right now. He could die were I to even attempt it.”

“He’s dying anyway!”

“My brothers said—”

“You’re brothers don’t know shit and worse, they don’t even care whether he lives or dies.” He interrupted. “They said all we need to do is wait, but look at him. He’s only getting worse!”

“Then you would rather I risk sending him to a quick death rather than waiting for a while to see if he will come back to us?”

“He’s suffering.” He said simply, angry eyes piercing mine and I looked once more at my sleeping mate.

“He is suffering, but I will not take a risk with his life.”

“You’re risking his life by standing there doing not a goddamn thing. You’re pathetic and you claim you love him? This isn’t love, this is cowardice!”

I could feel the rage building within me as I watched him and my hands curled into fists by my side. “Kaio, it would do you well to restrain your mate, lest he lose his tongue.”

Kaio’s eyes widened and when he took  a step toward his mate, Malik held out a hand to stop him.

“If you won’t turn him, then Kaio will.” He said adamantly and for the first time since  Tony’s injury, I felt a smile form on my lips.

“Is that so?” I turned to Kaio, whose expression was one of shock.

“My Lord I assure you, I—”

I held up a hand and he fell silent.

“You may be accustomed to getting whatever you desire Malik Laironov. Born as you were with a silver spoon in your mouth. The spoiled child of wealthy fools. Perhaps in your little human world you are able to make orders and have them followed, but you are in my world now and in my world, I give the orders.” My voice was as low and controlled as I could muster as I watched him. “Tony is mine. I alone will make decisions on his behalf and it would do you well to remember that.”

He laughed; a cold mirthless sound that bounced off the walls of the infirmary. “He’s yours? Yours? He doesn’t belong to you, you possessive piece of shit!”

“Mal please!” Kaio tried and failed to calm him.

“You think that just because you suck blood for a living and you’re a little stronger than the rest of us that we should all bow down to your greatness?” The sarcasm dripped from his voice. “Well fuck you. You know what I’ve learned in the time I’ve had to live around you?” he continued, the disgust, clear in his voice and his eyes flashing dangerously.

“Do tell.” I offered in a voice that showed restraint.

“I’ve learned that you’re nothing but scared little boy, hiding behind a couple sharp fangs, begging for whatever scraps my brother feels like throwing your way.” His voice was a snarl and his expression mirrored it well. “And I’ve got news for you buddy. You’re the one who cast him aside when he needed you. You’re the one who came and fucked up his life and you’re the one who’s let him down for five long years while he waited for you to rescue him from hell!”

I watched him in silence, knowing that if I opened my mouth or moved and inch he would lose his life in this very room.

“Tony doesn’t need you and he doesn’t need you to make decisions for him. You got your chance.” He spat, at last his little speech coming to an end and when I moved a step closer to him, I could see the uneasiness in his gaze.

“I’m not sure whether it is that you simply lack the sense of an average human, or if it is that you are so caught up in your own ridiculous sense of self to notice this, but since the moment he met you, Tony has despised your very existence.” I drew satisfaction from seeing him flinch then. “You have lived in his presence for weeks on end, lying to his very face about you are and in all that time the only thing you have managed to do is make him despise you more.” I continued. “So tell me Mr. Laironov, if Tony were to choose, just who do you think he would turn to? Just who do you think he would prefer to make decisions on his behalf, because we both know that it would never be you.”

“Fuck you.” Came his clever retort and I watched as his face became as red as a beetroot as I watched him.

“You waited until your own brother lay on his deathbed before you would even muster up the courage to tell him you are a relative. Yet you come to me with talks of cowardice.” I continued softly. “You are the coward here Mr. Laironov and if my Tony does die—yes my Tony—he will die never knowing that you were anything to him but a man to be hated—”

“Rien!”

I broke off in surprise at Kaio’s outburst. Shocked that he had interrupted me. Never before had he dared to do such an act and never before had he called me by my given name…not in such a way.

I looked up at him prepared to give him a proper tongue lashing, until I saw his devastated expression. Until I saw the way he held Malik protectively against him, as though shielding him for me.

It was then that I noticed the state of his mate. Then that I realized that the fight had left him long ago and he sat, his hand gripping Tony’s so tightly that both their hands had paled, his head lowered onto the bed by my mate’s side as he sobbed into his bedsheets.

I stepped back in surprise, unable to utter another word as I watched him. Here was a man fearful for his brother’s life, regretful of all the decisions he had made up to this point. A man who I knew loved my mate with everything in him and I had torn him apart with my vicious words. Here I had stood and told a scared man with only hope to carry him, that his brother did not love him.

I watched as my loyal drudge turned away from me to focus his attention on his agonized mate and for the first time in all my existence I felt a shameful loss for words. I felt a feeling I did not understand grip me in that moment and all I turned away from the sight of them. Turned away and left the room.

I walked until I was as far away from them as I could manage, hopping across the rooftops of the camp buildings, exiting the main gates beyond and navigating through the woodlands, on and on until I broke through into the town a great distance away. I found my perch on the highest rooftop in the area and when I was settled, I leaned against the wall and tilted my head back so I could see the stars.

I searched the sky, for a twinkling light, a shining star, which would give me a sense of direction, an insight into my place in this universe but the fog that covered the sky was too thick for even my own eyes and I gave up hope.

When I glanced around the empty rooftop, my mind drifted to a time long ago, when Tony had uttered his first words of love to me. I smiled now at the thought of the casual way in which he had said it and how his beautiful eyes had challenged me to object to his declaration.

My smile only widened as his face entered my vision. His eyes, his easy grins, his wild abandon.

If only I could hear those words again. If only I could see the sparkle in his eyes just once more. I thought.

 If only…My Tony lay, possibly dying and I was useless to him.

I slid to the paved floor of the roof and for the first time in my life allowed myself to let go of all control… and for the first time in my very long life, I cried.

                                                  AUTHOR'S NOTES

THANKS FOR READING!

ENJOY!

DoUbLe.A

unedited.