"Pavithra-", choked my father as he lay low on the hospital bed. 

"Baba, you should be resting, I just came to check on you." 

"Even after what I was responsible for?"

Shock befriended me. 

"Baba, what are you saying? Please rest!" 

"Pavithra, my first born, you were always the responsible one in our home my dear-" 

"Baba-?"

"No Pavithra, please let me talk. I understand that it's a ticking countdown." 

"Baba-", I choked. 

"Pavithra, I was not a responsible father or a good husband to your mother. I don't know why did I get addicted to drinking and jeopardized my quality family time with you and your sisters, I don't know why I could not provide to out family being the man of the house. I don't know what my weakness is; I am simply a man filled with regrets. " 

"Baba- why are you speaking such words?" 

"No Pavithra, please let me do. I hear that you are a mother to a beautiful son. Look at my plight, I have not met my grandson and told him that he has all my blessings and my love. Just like what I can give to his mother-" 

Did Baba just confess his fatherly love to me and grace me with his blessings? Did he also map the same feelings towards my son? 

" You married a great man Pavithra. He seems to really care for you. Your in-laws provide more warmth than what you ever got from our home. You are now studying medicine. What an achievement my child. May you and your family always be happy-" 

With those words, all the monitors around him started beeping loudly. Reading his vitals and checking his status, I immediately knewwhat was happening. 

"Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrssssssssssssseeeeee?!!!!!!!!! Please call the doctor, Baba is suffering from a cardiac arrest-!"

---

Raj ji and I waited nervously outside the Emergency Room along with my mother and my in-laws. Manish had been running in and out of the hospital to escort my family to the hospital, bring food and what not! Dev was with his aunt Rekha at home. 

The big ER doors opened as the moment of truth awaited us. 

Dr. Malhotra tried to make an eye-contact with me and my gut screamed that something was not right. 

"Pavithra?", he called out. 

I stepped forward still holding my husband's hand. 

"Pavithra, I do not want to beat around the bush by throwing medical jargon in the conversation. Your father suffered a major heart attack and we had to rush him to an emergency surgery. We found four blocks, however we could clear only one. 

Given his condition, he had difficulty in coping up with a severe procedure. He is now put on a life support. I am so sorry, Pavithra. Only prayers can bring solace to your family now. You can inform your relatives-" 

Tears pooled my eyes as I almost crushed my husband's hand in agony. He immediately swooped me into a hug. I did not know what I was feeling. The painwas beyond tears, words and expressions. I felt clobbered, the world started to crumble and maybe it all just stuck because of my husband's embrace. 

I felt light headed and Raj ji sensed this and immediately made me sit on a chair. Everyone else looked at the both of us anxiously and infact more scared than ever. 

"Pavi, baby, please calm yourself down. I am so sorry, I really wish I could do something-" 

"I know-", I whispered. 

"I am going to be there, all the way. You are not alone-" 

I nodded, trying to wipe my tears. 

"Pavi, I really need to let them know. Will you be here for a while-" 

"Yes-" 

As Raj ji left to deliver the grave news, I took a deep breath. As a medical student, I knew that with my father's lifestyle habits, this wasn't uncommon. But today, the child who yearned for her father's love overpowered the doctor in me. I wanted a miracle to happen. I wanted a perfect and happy family. We were all sorting things out, just a few hours ago, weren't we?

 Am I not blessed to have more than a single wave of happiness consecutively? How am I going to live in a world where my father would not be there? Is everything going to be the same? God, my father has not even seen my son! How am I ever going to tell him that his grandson loves the taste of coffee more than tea just like his grandfather? 

Am I the reason to bring death to my father? I should not have missed my class, then I would not have met Baba, and then, he would not have spoken all these things that eventually led him to  a heart attack! 

How utterly stupid of me-? 

My mother walked towards me. More guilt followed. 

She took the seat next to me and looked deeply into my eyes. 

"My dear daughter, do not beat yourself-" 

How did she know?

"Pavithra, I know what is going on in your mind. I am afterall your mother-" 

"Ma-", I choked. 

"No dear, not today. We've to be strong for our Baba. We have to be strong for your sisters. We have to be strog for ourselves." 

"Ma-"

"Pavithra, we have to accept it my dear-" 

"Ma-?" 

"He is not a bad man, I always knew that. He just had his weaknesses." 

This is it, isn't it? 

***