Monday, 4:39 PM

Professional Shit Starter: Has anyone heard from the three stooges?

Daddy's Baby Boy: i thought they were with you and kenma?

Professional Shit Starter: They aren't at the moment.

Whore Hard: ‼️ that can't be good ⚓

Bore Whore: What does an anchor have to do with?

Lickety Lick: no no, tendou has a point

Daddy~: How?

Professional Shit Starter: Never mind, I have located them.

Professional Shit Starter: And on an unrelated note, Sugawara-san, you have experience hiding bodies, correct?

Daddy's Baby Boy: who tf do you think i am?

Daddy's Baby Boy: of course i do!!!

Daddy's Baby Boy: (for legal reasons that was a joke)

Try Hard: Huh, I never thought Akaashi would be the one to finally liberate the world of Oikawa's existence.

Bore Whore: Thanks for saving me the effort, Akaashi.

Daddy's Baby Boy: but fr tho, what happened?

Professional Shit Starter: akaashi is currently unavailable atm but he asked me to keep you guys updated

Daddy's Baby Boy: kenma!!! what's akaashi doing??

Professional Shit Starter has added Kozume Kenma to the chat

Kozume: sorry akaashi has a shit phone

Kozume: he is currently castrating oikawa, bokuto, and kuro

Lickety Lick: as one does

Kozume: exactly

Daddy~: What did those three do this time to incite Akaashi's wrath?

Kozume: [voice note, 4:27 minutes]

Bore Whore: RIP Shittykawa.

Try Hard: Ain't no fucking way...

Daddy's Baby Boy: kenma, you're telling me that akaashi is currently mutilating the most annoying motherfuckers i have ever met (and i am teammates with asahi) bc y'all decided to hang out at his house and they desecrated his bed???

Daddy~: Was that Kuroo screaming in pain in that audio..?

Whore Hard: 🤨 nah cuz why tf do you know what kuroo sounds like in pain? ☠️

Daddy~: We're getting off topic.

Kozume: yes, that was kuro

Kozume: [video, 1:39 minutes]

Lickety Lick: NOOOOOOO AKAASHI DID BOKUTO SO FUCKING DIRTY

Daddy's Baby Boy: get their fruity asses, akaashi!!

Try Hard: I feel as if I am the only one still stuck on the fact that Kuroo dookied on Akaashi's bed...

Professional Shit Starter: I have not gotten past that, Ushijima-san. And Kuroo-san never will, either.

Bore Whore: Akaashi I am going to send you a gift basket for your services.

Whore Hard: hahaha loser, you gotta pay for dick

Bore Whore: Actually fuck off, thanks.

Bore Whore: I'm giving him a gift for being the only one to step up and end our continued suffering at the hands of those three.

Kozume: akaashi isn't the stepdad, he's the dad that stepped up

Professional Shit Starter: I'm sorry, Sawamura-san. It seems as if I have taken your position of group chat dad.

Try Hard: Sawamura is The Daddy, Akaashi is The Dad. They are divorced.

Daddy~: Akaashi gets full custody.

Professional Shit Starter: With all due respect, Sawamura-san, if you EVER try to give me full custody of our children I will make what Kuroo-san did to my comforter look like a sterilized operating room.

Daddy~: ...Suga, please don't hate me, but Akaashi was just very hot when he threatened me.

Daddy's Baby Boy: no no no, i totally get it

Daddy's Baby Boy: i don't fault you at all

Daddy's Baby Boy: i was thinking the same thing

Lickety Lick: god i hate gay people

Daddy~: Says the fucking cornucopia.

Try Hard has renamed the chat to 'Volleyball Cornucopia'

Kozume: okay but if sawamura and akaashi are the divorced fathers, can i go with sawamura?

Professional Shit Starter: Bitch.

Kozume: takes one to know one 🖕

Kozume: nothing against you, akaashi, i'm just trying to escape kuro and bokuto

Daddy's Baby Boy: not oikawa?

Kozume: i already escaped him, he lives in miyagi

Bore Whore: And so does Sawamura. So if you go with him then you will be with Oikawa.

Kozume: yeah but i would be with shoyo

Kozume: plus i can just mention kageyama and oikawa will combust

Daddy~: Okay Akaashi, if I have Kenma who do you have? How are we splitting custody?

Professional Shit Starter: I'll take Oikawa-san, Iwaizumi-san, and Ushijima-san if you take Kuroo-san and Bokuto-san.

Lickety Lick: then who is taking me and suga?

Professional Shit Starter: I already have one over dramatic twink so I only think it is fair if Sawamura-san takes Terushima.

LIckety Lick: uh, suga is also an overdramatic twink????

Daddy's Baby Boy: actually i am the perfect amount of drama

Daddy~: Deal. You get Suga.

Daddy's Baby Boy: eat shit

Daddy~: No you.

Daddy~: I am NOT dealing with you, Kuroo, and Bokuto on top of our team. Are you TRYING to get me to kms??

Professional Shit Starter: Think of it this way, Sugawara-san; you can fight Oikawa-san any time you want without Sawamura-san there to hold you back. I would never stop you from beating him up, unlike Sawamura-san. In fact, I would provide the weapons.

Kozume: wow, dad, are you really going to take that? akaashi is trying to claim to be the fun dad

Daddy~: Akaashi will never be the fun dad. Look at him. He is too stressed and depressed and he isn't even well dressed.

Daddy~: Plus I am 90000000000% sure he is actually a serial killer but wants plausible deniability so he is tricking and encouraging our children into doing it for him.

Professional Shit Starter: Sugawara-san, I will get you those diamond encrusted brass knuckles if you...

Daddy's Baby Boy: on it

Daddy~: Sugawara Koushi if you come near me I will get you expelled.

Professional Shit Starter: Nevermind Oikawa-san, you're the REAL bitch boy here, Sawamura-san.

Professional Shit Starter: If you even THINK of getting our son expelled I will feed you your spinal fluid.

Bore Whore: I think we should all take a step back and get off our phones for a while before one of us (Akaashi) gets arrested for war crimes.

Try Hard: It wouldn't be a war crime because he isn't a part of the military. It would just be a regular old boring normal civilian crime.

Lickety Lick: brb joining the military so i can be a war criminal like my estranged father

Try Hard: I just established that Akaashi is not a war criminal, are you illiterate?

Lickety Lick: no, my parents were married when they had me????

Kozume: i'm going to bed

Whore Hard: 😲oh damn, kenma never sleeps and yet he is sleeping to avoid y'all's dumbassery!!!! 💗

Tuesday, 2:48 AM

Little Bitch Boy: and they claim me and my boytoys are the obnoxiously chaotic ones

Bastard McFuckhead: smh, hippopotamuses

Ultimate PB: i'm on life support and you two are complaining about our friends being hypocrites???

Bastard McFuckhead: damnit, you forgot to pull the plug, babe

Little Bitch Boy: that can easily be remedied, pookie bear

Bastard McFuckhead: knew i could count on you, schnookums

Ultimate PB: don't bother, i did it myself

Ultimate PB: should've known the only way out was into the sweet embrace of death

Kozume: can you not? it is far too early for your dramatics

Bastard McFuckhead: oh he isn't being dramatic

Little Bitch Boy: yeah, tetsu-chan is actually at the hospital right now

Daddy's Baby Boy: WHAT?!

Ultimate PB: i'm in the morgue now actually

Professional Shit Starter: And I invested in a concrete coffin for you. No resurrections this time.

Daddy~: THIS time??

Daddy~: Akaashi, what do you mean by THIS time?

Professional Shit Starter: 🙂

Daddy~: HELLO????