Trigger Warning: The content and discussion in this chapter deals with Eating Disorders which might be triggering. Much of it will be emotionally and intellectually challenging to engage with. Read at your own discretion. ⚠⚠

WORK BECAME more stressful than usual because I stopped eating. I stuck to water and that only, and when I succumbed to snack on something, I rushed to the bathroom to puke. That was the new routine; eat and puke or just avoid food altogether. It was either water or nothing.

During lunch breaks, Kelvin was constantly at my desk asking if I needed anything, and I always replied that I ate before he came. By the following week, I was getting so weary and tired. On some days, I could barely get out of bed. My face was looking gaunt and lifeless, but I tried to cover the bags under my eyes with concealers and setting powder. Wearing makeup was never a priority to me, but now I relied on it daily.

One day, as I was driving back home from work with Kelvin by my side, he asked me if I was okay. I mumbled something and he didn't ask again. I knew I shouldn't be starving myself, but I was scared to eat or gain even a pound. I noticed I was losing a little bit of weight around my tummy region so that strengthened my resolve to avoid food. In one week I'd dropped a whopping one kg when I checked on the bathroom scale. If I could continue and persevere, I would look like the average person.

As I was combing my hair one morning, several strands of hair pulled with each stroke of the comb. I paused for a minute, baffled by the unexpected shedding. Usually, I got some amount of hair in my brush after combing, but this was way more than usual. Not even double the usual amount but triple. I bunched the strands in my palm and decided to deep condition my hair the following week.

I took out my tablet and went on Google to check if starvation caused hair loss. I was a compulsive fact checker, and I wanted to make sure my recent eating habit had nothing to do with my hair loss. I was so disappointed when I found out it was one of the side effects. At that instant, I was tempted to go to the kitchen to find something to eat. I loved my hair, it was my crown and a part of who I was. I didn't want to lose it.

I got rid of sentiment and decided that I'd rather be bald than overweight. I reasoned that losing few strands of hair was better than being overweight and unpresentable. I went to the car and drove straight to the office. Kelvin had called earlier to say he was going to work with his girlfriend, so I didn't bother to stop at his apartment.

"HOW SHOULD we spend the weekend?" Kelvin asked on Friday as he settled behind the wheel of my car. I'd asked him to drive, I was too tired to do anything. I could barely move myself into the car.

"I always order pizza on Saturday, and I binge watch some series I missed during the week."

I didn't tell him I'd stopped eating pizza or anything for the past few weeks. It wasn't something I was willing to divulge yet. He wouldn't understand anyway; he wasn't the one who recently missed the opportunity to present a major project. I settled comfortably into the seat and closed my eyes because keeping them open was proving to be a chore.

"That's cool. I'm not patient enough to watch a series, but if there's pizza, I can try. I really can't sit still for so long and I'm more of an outdoor person."

"You're speeding, dude," I said when I jerked in my seat as he took off, racing out of the parking lot.

I opened my eyes to see the speedometer reading 70Km/hr. Kelvin reduced the speed considerably and I went back to closing my eyes.

"So should I come around tomorrow or would you come to mine?"

"If you want to, my place preferably." The lesser human interaction I had, the better for me.

"I want to, I've missed your company. You've been acting weird recently, I can't put a finger on exactly what changed. You just seem off."

"I'm okay, I told you that the last time you asked. I'm only tired from working on the new project," I said. "Wouldn't your new girlfriend mind that you want to spend time with me?" I asked carefully with my eyes still closed.

"No, she's not like that. I told her about you, she knows we're close friends."

"I'll be expecting you then."

"What should I bring? Don't tell me, don't tell me. I'll come with something good."

I managed a laugh at his eagerness. I'd missed our conversations. Most of our car rides were usually in silence since he got his girlfriend. I didn't have my usual energy either to engage in lengthy conversations since I was always so tired.

"Are you still looking for a roommate?" Kelvin asked.

"What?"

"You said you wanted a roommate."

"Oh, yea."

My house was a three-bedroom flat and I made use of the living room and the masters bedroom, occasionally I used the kitchen. The remaining two rooms stayed empty. I had wanted a roommate for months and had been asking around, I forgot I told Kelvin about it.

"Do you have anyone for me?"

"Yea, my girlfriend. She's thinking of moving closer to the office, her apartment is outside the city and it's inconvenient," he said. "So, I told her I'll try to find some place more convenient for her."

Crap, double crap! I would want anyone as a roommate but his girlfriend. I wasn't sure I could bear being around them when they got mushy. It took a while before I replied, the situation didn't appeal to me in any way but if I said no he'd ask why and I didn't want to embarrass myself.

"I would like that, it would be so cool. Your girlfriend and I living together, you're in trouble," I said, lying through my teeth and adding the last part to sound genuine. I was getting too good at lying.

"I hope I don't regret this. No scheming behind my back, please," Kelvin said.

"Sorry, I can't guarantee that wouldn't happen."

"I'm starting to regret this."

"Just kidding. Anyway, you guys don't have to pay. I only wanted one for the added company not for funds."

"We wouldn't want to take advantage. Paying would make me feel better, I hate having things for free."

"Then you can pay half, good enough?" I opened my eyes to look at him.

"That's better, I'll find a way to give you the rest somehow. Thanks, Fatimah."

My heart raced at the mention of my name. If his girlfriend was going to be my roommate then I would have to keep my feelings under wraps, I didn't want to be in a love triangle. Maybe I already was.

Kelvin climbed out of the car when he secured a space around the curb near his house, he stretched and I smiled. He came around to open the passenger door for me. As I got out of the car, I felt a wave of dizziness hit me. I swayed, trying to steady myself but crumbled like an old house. My eyes drifted open to see Kelvin shaking me, he was looking at me with worry in his eyes.

"Stop that," I crooked out. He stopped shaking me and helped me back into the passenger side.

"Are you okay?"

"Yea, I must have been so tired," I said slowly.

Kelvin was leaning over me, placing the back of his palm on my neck as if to check my temperature. "My goodness, you scared me. We should go to the hospital."

"No, I'm good. I hate hospitals. I'll rest when I get home," I said, slurring my speech.

Kelvin was still hovering over me. "You've lost so much weight. I think you should take a break from work, you're working too hard."

I nodded in agreement. "Just give me the car keys. You can go home, I'm fine."

"Are you kidding? You really think you can drive in your condition? Stay put, I'll get you a bottle of water from the house, then I'll drive you home." Kelvin locked the car doors and ran through the gate. I folded my arms across my tummy and waited for him.

"Here." He pushed a bottle into my hand when he got back. "Drink."

I did as I was told and took a small swallow. Kelvin rushed to the other side of the car and started the engine. He looked over at me from time to time as he drove.

"I'm fine. Just focus," I tried reassuring him.

"Are you sure it's just work? You don't even smile or sing along to the radio again. Are you facing some kind of problem you don't want to tell anyone about?" He looked at me again.

"No. Trust me, it's just work."

"You can confide in me. Whatever it is that's weighing you down," he persisted.

"There's nothing. Can you stop talking?"

"Okay, sorry."

I opened the car door as we got to the gate of my apartment. Kelvin hurried to my side, steadying me as I stood. I leaned on him and walked into the building. My apartment was on the ground floor so I didn't have to stress too much before reaching my door.

I got my keys from my purse and it dropped as I stretched my hand to give Kelvin. He bent and picked the keys, letting go of me for few seconds as he opened the door.

He helped me to the sofa and lingered. "Do you want me to stay?"

"No. I'll call you if I need anything, just go," I said in irritation.

He ignored me and sat by my side. "I'm ordering fried rice for you."

"Okay," I said sleepily.

I woke up to find a note beside two takeaway packs on the table without Kelvin in sight. I smiled in relief, I didn't need him worrying about me. I read the note and went back to sleep right on the sofa without touching the food.