Life can be confusing, terrifying, and at the same time, amazing and sometimes, one just needs a little inspiration to keep going. I hope my story, that I'm about to share, does just that.

I was born in May of 2002 in the Columbus, the capitol of Ohio, which is where I lived for 13 1/2 years of my life. My family consists of my parents, Kendall and Sharon, my eldest sister, Carlie, my older brother, Justus, and then myself.

At the time that I was born, my parents' marriage was struggling. My father had done somethings he shouldn't have, so the possibility of divorce was high. When the tension between them was the highest, my mother got pregnant with me. I am literally the glue that kept my parents together. They couldn't stand to see me grow up with a split family. Despite the fact that they stayed married, their marriage life was terrible.

For two years it remained that way. At the end of the two years, my parents went down to Georgia to repair their marriage and to heal my father from the restless leg that he had. My siblings and I stayed with family friends, the Shonks, we nicknamed them that, while they were on that trip. This retreat they were on, it saved my parent's marriage, freed my father from the restless leg, and it did something just as big, even greater.

I can't explain what went through my parent's minds, but they called Carolyn Shonk and told her to feed me popcorn. That may seem ordinary and normal to you, but that was insanely stupid with me. I was born with 9 food allergies. I can't name all of them, but a few are, corn, milk, strawberries, cantaloupe, eggs, bananas and clams. So as you can see, feeding me popcorn was completely stupid, but they told Caroline to do it, so she did. I ate popcorn that night, and nothing happened. My body didn't react to the corn. Just as my parent's marriage was mended, my father was freed from his restless leg, I was healed from my 9 food allergies. When my parents came back from Georgia, I had my first ice cream. I devoured my bowl and finished off my older brother's bowl. I couldn't get enough of it.

Even when I was 2, God was looking out for me. In later years though, it didn't seem like it. Growing up, my siblings and I fought all the time. Most of the memories that I have from my early years are of fights and arguments. I'm sad to admit, but I had anger issues as a child. I have a memory of being so mad at my brother, I threw sharp pencils, pens and even scissors at him. Mind you, he was and always has been bigger than me. The only thing I have and ever had was my mouth. I screamed and yelled. I made a ruckus over petty things. I'm not proud of it, but I sometimes still have trouble controlling my anger and my mouth.

When I was 3, our dog Timber, died. I honestly try not to think about it much, but my only memory of Timber is when my mother took a picture of me sitting behind the dying dog. Timber had cancer and my parents couldn't stand to see her in pain. As horrific as this may sound, but they took Timber up to my Grandpa's country house, put her in a hole, and ended her misery with a single shot. After Timber died, my family was sad for a long time.

The next happy thing that I remember, was when we got our current dog, Dorea, a year after Timber died. Honestly, my family loves Dorea, but she is such a weird and annoying dog. It was either that same year, or the following, but I started pre-school around when I was 4-5. From an early age I could read. I remember sitting on Mrs. Thomas' lap and reading The Hungry Caterpillar to my class. I skipped my second year of pre-school because of reading to my class. For kindergarten the next year, my mother home-schooled me online.

Then 1st grade happened. Mrs. Foley was an amazing teacher and I loved every second of it. I had many friends, and was what would be popular now. That's the only time I've been popular in my life.

Second Grade comes and I'm still at the same school. But before I know it, on the bus ride home, I'm doing stuff with another kid I shouldn't do. I don't know how it came about, but this boy and I played with each other's privates. We were doing gay stuff and didn't realize it. Because we were both innocent, we had fun. But there was always a nagging feeling inside of me. I felt like I should tell somebody about it, so I did. One night, my brother and I were in our beds. Mind you, we share a room, so we talked to each other a lot before we went asleep. That night, I told Justus about my innocent adventures. He immediately got out of bed and brought our parents into the room. I had to tell them about all of it.

After I told my parents about it, they decided to home-school me. From that point on, I was home-schooled for the rest of 2nd grade and for 3rd grade. I don't remember any happy moment during those years. I was constantly bored because I did my schoolwork online and my mother was working from home. My siblings were at public school and my father was at work. I was all alone and bored.

When 4th grade came along, I had the best year of my life. My parents decided to put up with the expenses and put me in a Christian private school. I still consider my teacher, Mrs. Perez as one of my favorite teachers ever. Her class was a blast. Despite the fact that it was a Christian private school, I was bullied and made fun of. It was there where I met my 4th grade love, Chloe. During the school year, it came out the I had a crush on her. She never told me if she liked me during 4th grade. When we graduated to 5th grade, my family couldn't pay for me to go back to that private school. I was devastated until I got a letter.

I got the letter on my birthday. I still remember reading this letter, because it came from someone special to me, Chloe. In the letter that she sent to me, she told me that she did like me, but she couldn't date until high school. She said other stuff that I don't remember, but the fact that she liked me has stayed with my memories since then. After I got the letter, I immediately wrote her back. We were pen pals until I forgot to write her back.

My birthday that I had 5th grade, was a life changing one. At the time, the present I got seemed like it was very minimal in impact, but it altered my life. I'm honestly not sure yet if it changed my life for better or for worse. For my birthday, my parents got me a refurbished 4th Generation iPod. Mind you, this was one of the best things I could ever get at the time.

At first, having that iPod was an amazing blessing. I was able to play games and listen to music. But, I'm sad to say that I fell into Satan's trap. He used my iPod to get me curious about things. These things were things I shouldn't have been curious about. I looked at pictures of women. I watched videos of them. I watched videos of a man and woman making love. I did all of this is secret. I was too young to understand. I had no clue what I was looking at. I remember being disgusted when I watched men and women making love, but yet I still had the desire to watch it.

After 6th grade, my parents found out. They were highly disappointed and were kind of mad. My dad gave me "The Talk," and they took my iPod away for the whole summer. Dad put parameters on my iPod, so I couldn't look at that stuff. Or so they thought. I found a way to get around.

For two years, until late 8th grade year, I watched inappropriate videos. Up until 7th grade, I always watched straight videos. When 7th grade came, I started wonder what gay love was like because kids at school were calling me gay all the time. I started watching those gay videos all the time. Then after I started to enjoy watching those videos, that's all I watched. I never watched straight videos.

In order to keep my story going, I have to turn the corner. At the end of 7th grade, my family went up to visit my Grandpa. In doing so, my parents had the insight of the Holy Spirit to move up to northeast Ohio so that we could be closer to my Grandfather. My Grandmother on that side of my family had died just a few years before.

On a side note, I never exactly knew my Grandma. Around the time that I was born, she was diagnosed with Dementia. My extended family also self-diagnosed her with Alzheimer's disease. A combination of both of those diseases cause Grandma to lose her mind as I grew up. By the time that I was old enough to remember her, she had completely forgotten who everybody was, who she was, and she was literally an old baby. Grandpa had to feed her, he ever bathed her because he couldn't, he had to help her use the bathroom, and he basically did everything for her.

I sort of remember the day she died. My memory is honestly fuzzy. I remember sitting in our minivan when my Dad pulled up in his SUV. Our cars were parked in a local grocery store's parking lot. Mom was sobbing and my brother and I had to get into Dad's SUV. Mom drove 3 hours to get to the Nursing Home that we had put Grandma in because Grandpa was getting too old to take care of her.

The funny thing is, I don't really remember what I did that day, but I remember what Mom had told me what happened. When she got to the Nursing Home, Mom was with my Aunt Judy, and another Aunt, but I honestly can't remember which, because I have 6 Aunts on that side of the family. They sang Hymns and read Bible verses to Grandma. They comforted her as best as they could because she was in a lot of pain. During the last few minutes that she had lived, she spontaneously remember things. She remembered who Jesus was first. Then she remembered my family. I can't imagine what that must have been like. Then after that, she died. She died with an overwhelming calm, and she was not in pain during her last few moments.

Back to where I was originally going, I was very sad that we were moving. I didn't want to leave my home place, my childhood. But what really made me sad, was the fact that I was excited to leave Columbus. I wanted to star anew; I wanted to get away from the bullies and the jerks that defined me as somebody that I wasn't: gay. I thought that moving to northeast Ohio would let me restart and have good friends, to have a good reputation as someone who isn't annoying, or someone who isn't gay.

By the end of the summer, it seemed that the move wasn't actually going to happen before the school year started. We were constantly searching for a house to rent. Our family didn't have the financial means to buy a house. 8th grade started, and I let the cat out of the bag. I was moving. Kids didn't act sad. It didn't make me sad though. It just confirmed that I was really to move. Finally, my family found a house to rent, and we set a date for the move: Thanksgiving Day. We moved into the new house and I had to wait a few days before starting at my new school. I remember my first day there. I was so scared. I didn't want kids to label me weird, annoying, gay. And because of that, I was very uptight at the beginning of the day.

I had nothing to be scared of though. I immediately made friends. My friends at my new school accepted me for my weird, funniness, because in truth, we were all alike. I was popular for the first week of school. I was the new kid. For almost the first time in my life, kids were actually interested in me. Just my luck, that popularity didn't last. When kids started to really get to know me, they immediately labeled me annoying, weird, and a nerd. Because of that, I poured myself into my friends. For a while, they were good friends to me.

Summer comes, and my friends ditch me. They stopped texting me back, an they ignored me. I was completely alone the summer of this year. I was so sad, that I poured myself into YouTube and Minecraft. I watched YouTube videos of Minecraft. I watched and played it so much that I was addicted. When my parents yelled at me for it, I stopped watching and playing. They thought that I was okay, but I wasn't. I was so lonely and sad last summer, that I then poured myself into stuff that I shouldn't have.

I poured myself into gay videos again. This time, it was on my new iPhone that I had gotten. By that time, I had thrown my iPod away out of spite. I was disgusted with myself so much that I threw it in the garbage. Little did I know, that spiteful act didn't change anything. I watched that gay stuff so much, that Satan was able to twist and warp my mind into believing that I really was gay. I watched those videos from the end of the summer all the way to a few months into High School. I had gotten caught and my parents and I worked out a plan to keep me from watching those videos.

When High School started, I felt all alone. My friends had given me hope that I was still their friend, then they chewed me up and spit me out. This caused me to try and find a way to watch the video again. That was all I knew to pour myself into. I'm pretty sure that I believed that I was gay for 6 months. Half of a year.

The whole time that I believed that I was gay, my family was going to an amazing church. Satan had such strong hold of my mind, that I completely ignored what God was trying to tell me. Thank goodness that He is such a gracious, and loving God. My church started up a youth group and my family made my brother and I get involved. Just through the sermons that Youth Pastor Joe preached that God was able to find the key and open the cell door that I was in. He pulled me out of the jail of sadness, and of evilness.

God showed me that I am not gay. He showed me that I am His child. He showed me that I am made in His image. He loves me no matter what. His love is so strong for me that he worked on my heart for 4 years. For 4 years, I was falling down the rabbit hole of evilness. I was saved from the void.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not writing this on Wattpad to inspire you. I may have said that at the beginning, but I'm really writing this for myself. I needed to write this so that I would forgive God. That may sound ridiculous and incredibly stupid, but it's true. I hated God my whole life. I hated that my life was a wreck. I constantly compared myself and my life to others lives. You see, my life has been sad. I don't remember anything happy. In fact, nothing happy is going on in my life right now. I feel like I'm failing school, I have no friends, I am labeled silently labeled gay at school. People talk about me behind my back. I've always wondered what my life would've been like in this family, or that family.

I hate God. I still do, but I wish I didn't. The one question that I'm constantly wondering is why. Why would God let my life go to crap. If He's such a loving and gracious God, than why did kids label me gay, why did I not know my Grandma before she died, why, why, why.

I ask myself that, but I already know the answer. God is all-powerful. Not only that, but he's omniscient, all-knowing. God has put me though all of this turmoil and sadness so that I can overcome this mountain. The greater the struggle, the greater the triumph. I am destined to do great things. I have been prophesied over and the one thing that I keep telling myself is: The joy of the Lord is mt strength. I was told that. Joy is my strength. I choose joy. I choose good.

 I choose to forgive God.