Crashing on her bed, sasha shut her eyes tight to forget all the pain her heart was feeling now, zakwans words were ringing in her ears mocking her, was she really a hypocrite? Why did her body react at his closeness,why was she left speechless, WHY?

All these voices were making her nauseous. She was sure she wouldent be able to sleep tonight . The feelings that she had shut ages ago were haunting her now ,laughing loud at her.
The strong sasha long gone, tears started rolling down her eyes bringing back the past in front of her eyes.

Since sasha had grown mature and entered her teen years, she had fallen for zakwan, he was her first crush she ever had! , being neighbours and close family friends they had bonded very well, they were in the same highschool as well as college, being two years senior to her ,zakwan was always there for her, no one ever dared bullying her in school.
She was just fond of him till highschool but in college years she actually started developing feelings for him,though she hid them deep in her heart from everyone.

She loved his styles, he used to talk and she used to silently listen absorbing his words' he used to smile and happiness used to well up in her heart. She adored him to the extent that she just started loving all his colours and styles.
He was her first ever love and probably the last but many bitterness had erased all sorts of feelings from her heart. She had turned into an emotionless empty can.

She remembered the days when zakwans parents passed away , they were really close to her family and she was really sad but at the same time her heart used to cry for zakwan, she was there for him at those times, caring for his each and every need. She had started university those days,the same uni as zakwans, he was two years older than her.
she was always found at his place trying to lessen his pain and loss.
Those were the days when her mother was diagnosed with cancer also, those days were dreadful. She was the only daughter and extremely close to her mother.
Worried about her  , sasha's mom wanted to atleast fix her alliance somewhere in front of her eyes. Thats when saeed hashmi's proposal came in along with some others and getting tensed over the situation sasha had only one last hope and refuge and that was to talk to zakwan himself over the matter because she clearly did not wanted to upset her mother in this circumstances, that were the times when sasha was simply just too naive, frieghtened of everything, the weak little sasha she was back then.

Gathering courage one day she went to zakwans place and hesitating abit, she said what was in her heart because this was a do or die situation for her and putting her self respect behind she gathered all her strength and hope that her bestest friend would never let her down. And as in Islam it is absolutely fine for a girl to propose to the man she liked. Knowing her  feelings for him she knew he was the only one she could spend her life with and marrying someone else would be utter cheating.

Talking about anything and everything she finally gathered courage to speak when zakwan himself asked her about the proposals that had come for her.

"Sash are you really gonna marry that soon, you just started your uni?"

"Zak! Mom wants to just tie my alliance somewhere ,these are all her insecurities maybe because of her medical condition,but I am absolutely not ready. And I have something to say to you!" Stuttering sasha gathered courage.

"Hmm go on ,I am listening!" He was very attentively listening to her unaware that maybe this was the last time they will be having any normal conversation.

"Can you marry me zakwan, you know mom will be happy and also maybe we need eachother, you know what I mean, uh umm you are all alone after your parents,and.."
She had gained courage enough but she just couldent confesss her love as yet and was too confused ,it was hard to convince him and he had made it difficult for her by breaking in her talk and laughing at her hard out and she felt damn embarassed .

"What rubbish are you blabbering sash! Are you literally listening to yourself? Just because I am apparently lonely and your parents want you married means that we should marry! Kahan se atay hain aise ideas tumhe???" Mocking her he very brutally shattered her heart into pieces, feeling insulted her eyes filled with tears, trying to hide it from him she lowered her head and whispered.

"Ah,yeah I was just being foolish, just forget about it." Gathering her left over self respect she stood to leave when zakwan held her hand and pushed her towards himself. She was still biting her lips hard to suppress her sob.
"Look at me sash! , are you serious about it?" Putting his hand under her chin he raised her face up and she shut her eyes tight letting the tears flow down her cheaks.
"Hey sash, aisa na karo yar!(plz dont do this)"
His heart skipped a beat at her tears, she was really very special for him.

"I am sorry , mujhe jana hai( i have to go)!" Pulling herself harshly from his grip she rushed out running as fast as she could far away from him, she was feeling rejected, insulted, her hopes came crumplimg down.

She had locked herself in her room for two days avoiding everyone and everything. Overthinking had caused her extreme fever and all the house was damn worried about her.
zakwan would often visit but she ignored him simply because she was unable to look him into the eyes, she just wanted to erase that moment, the foolishness she had done ,she just wanted to wipe that moment away.

Her parents were still deciding over the propsals, her mom asked her if she was fine if they married her in an arrange marriage and asked if she had anyone in her life but she nodded no and hugged her mom tight trying to hide away her emotions.
"Mom you can get me engaged but wedding after my BBA degree, you know how passionate I am about buisness." Sasha had said and her mom agreed smiling but her happiness did not last long and sasha's mother passed away without seeing any of her daughters happiness, sasha was torn apart, locking herself in her room she would not eat or drink anything, this moment was very difficult for dadi and mr waziq. They were trying their best to cheer up sasha but she just seemed so lost and unhappy always making them more sad.

Zakwan would often come but sasha would not meet him and he was dead worried about her, he wanted to be with her , help her come out of this pain as she had helped him when his parents passed away but she was not letting him.

"Zakwan, she just does not cry neither eats anything, do something please." Dadi had told him and enough had been enough, opening her room with a spare key he just barged in and his heart tore to pieces seeing her condition, she was sprawled on the floor ,eyes dry and empty staring at the roof above her.

Sasha , mujhe dekho, please aise na karo, dadi ,tumhare baba sab pareshan hain, aur kia aunty khush hongee tumhe iss halat me dekh kay.( sasha look at me, see how worried everyone is for you and would your mom be happy if she saw you in this condition.)" He said and she finally looked at him with pain in her eyes.
"Then why did she leave me zak ,why, when I needed her the most."  A lone tear escaped her eye and zakwan himself turned all red trying hard not to cry himself.

"Its all destined sasha, pray for her and cope up for uncles sake." Not being able to take it anymore he wiped her tears with his thumb and she cried, she cried her heart out resting her head on his shoulder. He was there for her patting her head,trying to control his emotions.
She ate that day , she washed up and changed, she smiled for baba and dadi's sake.

Days had gone better. She had gotten busy with her exams, she studied very hard, focusing all her attention on studies.
she just wanted to forget anything she had said to zakwan. He was there for her after her mother passed away but very secretely she had distanced herself from him. She was thankful he did not bring up that topic. She loved him deeply and she knew she would always love him that way but maybe she was wrong about certain things.

She had scored the highest GPA  in the uni and everyone was happy for her,congratulating her, same time zakwan had graduated and came over to her. It felt like  she was seeing him after ages, suppressing in her feelings she smiled at him but something seemed off about him.

"I am winding up here sash, i got enrolled in a university abroad for MBA and I am moving there." Not being able to meet her eyes he blasted a bomb on her.
How could he just leave her, she was in a habit of seeing him daily, she had distanced herself from him but she used to always stand on her balcony over looking his house, seeing him made her happy, she used to see him in uni also, sometimes in between classes and he was informing her about leaving, how could he? The little particles of hope that she had remaining in herself just washed away. Controlling her emotions she smiled not wanting to break down in front of him.

"Oh, congrats, thats nice." She had said leaving him in shock, he wasnt expecting this much calmness from her.

"Sasha the other day, what ever you said, I am sorry, I think I am just too young  for any commitment or a relationship you know what I mean, I have to make a career, study hard, carry my dads legacy in buisness, I just cant commit." He had started the topic she was despising the most.

"That, that was just utter foolishness, just forget I said anything like that, I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable, dont leave if you are leaving because of this all."
She had said faking a chuckle but inside she was dieing, she just wanted to beg him to stay ,not to leave, seeing him always spread peace in her, how would she live without him. A hardcore battle was going on in her heart.

"No, thats not the reason for me leaving, you know how passionate I was always to study in a world famous buisness school and finally I have got the oppurtunity but I was feeling guilty, I am sorry sash, I just feel bad."
He had said and she just nodded unable to speak.

"I will miss you." He further added and a suppressed sob escaped her mouth making her feel vulnerable. Letting go of her ego's she tried her last chance.

"Dont go zakwan, please!" Putting aside all her ego and self respect she had said between her sobs and he was shocked.

"I cant live without you, I , I just cant, please stay. Dad is thinking of getting me married, I never ever thought about anyone rather than you."
If by begging he would stay back then she was begging him, letting him go was just not an option. She was crying for him and he was shocked.

"Sasha, are you in your senses, I never thought about all this ever, how could you, please just try to control yourself and stop making me guilty, ofcourse you can live without me, just marry someone if uncle finds it suitable for you if all you have to do is marry!, this is an important oppurtunity for me and I just cant let it go, please mere lye mushkil na banao sab."
Getting up and backing off from her crying figure he said all this placing hammers in her heart. Wiping her tears she ran away from there, he had deeply hurt her, stabbing her self respect.
Sighing he left for his house but sasha and her words were making him go crazy, booking a ticket of even a sooner date he left, he left without meeting her unaware that the day he was leaving she was standing on her window watching him leave silently, burning in fever.

He left Islamabad and islamabad felt empty without him. Once beautiful, The margla hills seemed creepy without him.
But as the words are  time is the biggest healer!  She was healed, she had moved on, he called many times ,texted her but she never recieved his calls nor opened his messeges and afterwards she changed her phone number forever.
He was in contact with her family, dadi would often tell her to talk to him but she ignored. Meanwhile she got engaged to saeed hashmi.
when this news reached zakwan he got her new number from dadi and called her, attending the call from an unknown number she recognised his voice from a mere hi and her heart skipped a beat. She was listening to his voice after ages. Shutting her eyes tight she switched off the phone and blocked his number the next instant.
_

Two years of her marriage were dreadful but those years had completely transformed her. She was glad she was atleast out of all the mess.

The loud banging on the door brought sasha out of the painful memory lane, Sighing sasha wiped her eyes harshly , composing herself she went and opened thendoor to her room and in front stood the devil himself.

"Sasha ,listen, I am sorry if I upsetted you, are you okay?." Zakwan said worriedly,.not daring to step in.

"Just fuck off mr! Your party is still going on and as a buisness associate thats my advice that a host shall never leave his party and guests, didnt your world class buisness school teach you this" She half yelled annoyed, he was the last person she wanted to see right now.

"Sasha ,can we just talk for once for the sake of old times."
He dared say that.
"Get lost this instant!" Banging the door hardly on his face she locked it from inside sprawling on the floor leaning against it.

"Ow!" He winced and she heard him wail in pain, she knew the door must have hit him hard... a smile spread across her face while her eyes were still watery.

_______

Hey guysssss, such a long chappy for u all....the past of źak n sash...

So what do u guys feel about it. .
It was very difficult to write it..

A sad chap

Please share, comment n vote..
It motivates me to write more...