"I have to do one more thing before I get my memory erased," I say to Phasma as we walk down the hall to Snoke's study. Hux gives me questioning look. "Just tell Master that I was at the baths and I'm getting dressed and I'm on my way."

Phasma nods and Hux frowns. I hesitate before leaving, wondering what I should say to Hux before he goes in. I set my hand on his shoulder for a second then walk away.

* * *

"Grandfather Vader," I whisper, kneeling on the cold stone floor of the chapel. "I'm not doing very well in my training." I swallow hard, then take a deep breath. "I let myself have an attachment." I think of Rey and my chest tightens. "I'm not strong like the others, like Hux..." Then I remember all the insecurities I saw in Hux's thoughts, too. In a way they make him stronger, rather than weaker, because even though he has doubts he doesn't let them hold him back. And even though he has strong desires, he doesn't let them get in his way or break him down, not until now at least. But it was my fault. I invaded his thoughts and made him give in.

I sense a stirring of the Force inside of me, the Force that's in everything around me, the forest and the animals, the Masters and the students, and Phasma and Hux. I've upset the balance in so many ways.

"I'm sorry I made Phasma cry," I whisper, not to Grandfather now but to the Force, whatever it is, that's alive inside of me. I need to do this confession, for myself, not for Snoke. He'll invade my thoughts soon enough, but for now they're still my own, they're my mistakes, my pain, my regrets. "I treated her the way all the other guys do. And I went into Hux's thoughts when he told me not to, just so I could feel his desires. This isn't me. I don't know why I did it. But even when I hated him... he was still the only one that wasn't scared to be close to me. And I liked the contact... I feel a connection to him, I just... I just don't want to feel all these things anymore. I don't want to love anyone or need anything from them. All I want is to know Rey will be safe and not left with Oktar." I shut my eyes tight and tears roll down my cheeks. "Please, I just need to know she won't be left with him."

A fluttering of wings makes me jump and I look up at the window. A forest bird settles onto the stone window sill, letting out a loud caw. It turns its head to the side to look at me, then flaps its wings in a flurry and flies away again. The clatter of something falling to the ground echoes in the chapel. I get up off my knees and walk over to see what the bird dropped.

It's a rock. I reach down and pick it up.

It's Mr. Rock. Rey's markings are still on it, of the eyes and mouth. I grasp it tightly in my hand. A peace washes over me and I know she'll be okay. All things work for good, for those who are called according to the Force. The Jedi Mantra comes to mind. I know I'll see Rey again, no matter what happens. I don't want to forget her, ever, no matter how much pain it causes me. And I don't want to forget my night with Hux either, even though I promised him I would. I want to keep all my memories.

"Thank you," I whisper, then rush out into the sunlight.

* * *

I run into Snoke's office and find Hux standing very still in front of Snoke's desk.

"Sorry I'm late," I say, catching my breath. Hux doesn't move and I realize he's locked in a Force hold by Snoke.

"So nice of you to come," Master Snoke says.

My heart pounds in my chest. "I don't want to forget," I say quickly, getting right to the point. "I want to remember everything, so that I'll never forget how much pain attachments can cause, so I'll be more careful in the future not to have them." I offer my reasoning, for wanting to keep my memories, which I can only hope Master Snoke will accept. I bow to him. "I want to remember Rey and... this entire summer with Hux."

"That's not for you to decide," Master Snoke says calmly. "And you will address me as Master."

I glare up at him and stand up straight. "These memories, Master, are my own and I want to keep them. I've changed my mind about having them erased."

"Are you challenging me, Ren?"

"No..."

A stabbing pain pierces my head and I shut my eyes tight, falling to my knees.

"Grand Master, stop," Hux says. Then I hear him cry out in pain beside me.

"This pain, you will never forget. Your attachments, you will forget," Master Snoke says. "I can make you great, and I can also destroy you. You will learn to respect your Master."

I fight to hold on to my memories of Rey; her hazel eyes, so excited when I surprised her with all the rocks from the river, her death grip hugs, how pretty she looked in a dress at the chapel where I finally found her. But they slip from my mind, one by one, only the emotions remain, the worry that gripped my chest when I thought she was missing, the pain that pierced my heart at the sound of her cries when she was taken away, the love I felt whenever she rested in my arms. The moments fade away, all the times we spent together, her smile, her cry, her warmth.

No... I promised her I would never forget her. I promised...

Goodbye Rey...