Determined to succeed and overly confident in my skills, Imperfect rented a studio to make a video. Since I spent most of my menial income on clothes and sneakers (I forgot to mention I had a sneaker addiction), I couldn't contribute anything financially. It was a good thing they liked me.

Memphis's significant other, Melissa, and her brother, Lucas, planned on filming the video at a local studio. Over the past twenty years, Massachusetts became a popular place to film movies with studios all over the state, mostly due to all the tax breaks.

Stressing over my appearance, Levi assured me I was "stunning" and would "look great" on camera.

"You're only saying that because I'm sleeping with you," I said.

Levi rolled his eyes, shouting, "Hey, everyone! How does Ezra look?"

Embarrassed, I hid my burning face in my hands.

"He looks great," Isaiah said.

"Yeah, beautiful," Memphis said. "Why do you always worry about your appearance? You're so vain."

"I'm not vain," I said. "I just want to look good."

"Yeah, you're vain," Isaiah said.

"You always look good," Levi said, squeezing my shoulder. Winking at me, he walked away and sat at his drum kit. To me, I had every reason to worry since the camera would mostly be on me.

"Why do you worry so much?" Memphis asked, swinging her guitar strap over her shoulder.

"I'm new to this," I said. "And I'm used to holding a guitar, but Sean's made it clear he's the guitarist."

"Just enjoy being a star, okay?"

"I'm not a star," I said, shaking my head. "I'm sleeping with Levi," I whispered to Memphis, which had nothing to do with anything. The words just came out. I had a habit of running my mouth.

"Yeah, I know," she said. "It's sort of obvious. Why don't we focus on the video? You're all over the place right now."

"Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm just nervous. I'm not crazy about lip syncing."

"You'll get used to it. It's just for the video."

"Before Levi, I've never had gay sex before," I said, returning to the previous conversation. "It was weird... but good. I liked it."

"Please stop talking," Memphis said. "We're gonna start in a minute."

"I don't like you," I said. "Well, I like you but as a friend. I think you're cute, but I don't want to fuck you."

"Oh, my God, Ezra," Memphis laughed an annoyed laugh. "Just shut up before you dig yourself into a bigger hole. Save the dirty talk for Levi."

I nodded in agreement, getting ready.

And then the recording started.

And I forgot all about my anxiety leading up to this moment. Like everyone said, I was a natural entertainer, something I had to remember every time I doubted myself.

Still, I couldn't bring myself to watch the video. I relied on everyone else's critique. Eventually I'd gather up enough guts to look at myself on camera. Lots of people seemed to like it judging by the views and increase in subscribers. I just went along with everything.

Sean, Isaiah, Memphis, and Levi were all crazy, stringing me along, making me think I was so important. If they knew the truth about me, they wouldn't think I was so great.

They blamed me for the band's increase in subscribers and likes. I had been a complete failure until now. Did I really deserve success, friends, or love?

When Levi looked at me, when he held me in his arms at night, I felt something, like I was more than a fuck to him. He had fallen in love with me. That was my rational side talking.

But if I wasn't the reason for the band's burgeoning success, I questioned whether or not Levi would have fallen in love with me. That was my depressed and paranoid side talking, the crazy side. Sometimes the crazy side won.

Tonight the crazy side got the better of me.

At my favorite Chinese restaurant, Levi sat across from me, fiddling with the silverware, a sign he was nervous about something.

"What's with you?" I asked.

"I need to talk to you," he said.

Oh no, I thought, wondering if I'd done something wrong. I knew Levi didn't love me like I thought he did.

"Is it something bad?" I said. "I need to brace myself."

"No, it's good... really good. I know you haven't been with us long, but Imperfect's going on the road."

"On the road?" I laughed. "Like a tour? Are you crazy?"

"No, I'm serious. We've got gigs in New York, Chicago, Atlanta, Athens... Sean knows a lot of people in Georgia. I hear it's beautiful there."

"It would have been nice if I was included in the conversation," I said.

"It's been in the works for months... way before we even met... when Dominic was still with us."

"How long will we be gone?"

"It might be all summer."

All summer? I hadn't been away from home since summer camp in the seventh grade. Even then, I was only gone a week. My psych hospitalizations didn't count.

"What about your students?" I asked.

"I'm taking a little break. It's summer, anyway. Kids are away at camp and on vacation, so I have some free time. I'm kind of excited, aren't you? Sure, we'll be staying in shitty hotel rooms, but..."

"So I have to quit my job?" I interrupted him.

When I joined their band, I did it for fun. I didn't expect it to amount to anything.

"Look, Ezra, you're born to entertain, not play bingo with a bunch of old folks."

Something about that comment bothered me. They were more than "old folks" to me. I tossed some money on the table and stormed out of the restaurant. As I approached the car, I realized Levi drove tonight, so I was stuck there. I didn't know what else to do, so I headed back to the restaurant, running into Levi on my way back.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to insult you."

"They're my friends," I said. "And now I have to make a new playlist. I sort of rely on my playlists. They help me get through the day. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"I can help you make a new playlist. It could be fun, right?"

Fun? I started to think he hardly knew me. I folded my arms across my chest, not entirely sure how I felt about any of this. Everything was happening way too fast for me. I wasn't prepared.

"You're not thinking of quitting, are you?" he asked.

Maybe... my head was spinning, my thoughts out of control.

"I don't know," I said. "I guess I never realized how serious you were about this band. I just joined for fun... for you."

"You didn't join for me. You love entertaining."

I shrugged. "Did you use me?" I asked, my nasty, paranoid side completely taking over. "Did you seduce me and fuck me and all that just so I'd help your band make it big?"

Levi paused, his brow furrowed, his bottom lip quivering. "Fuck you, Ezra," he said and pushed past me. "There's something wrong with you."

"You're only getting more subscribers because of me," I continued. "People come to see us because of me."

Levi spun around, fuming as if he was ready to punch my face in, and I'd probably deserve it. "You're a self-centered, arrogant, conceited asshole, you know that?"

Yeah, I know...

Levi's words didn't stop me from running my mouth.

"Without me, you might as well kiss success goodbye," I said, walking away from him.

"Wow... you're a piece of work. What's wrong with you, Ezra? Why are you acting like this?"

"You don't want me coming with you," I said. "I'll just ruin everything. There's things you don't know about me."

"And there's things you don't know about me," he said, following me. "Stop and look at me."

"No," I said. "I've been with the band for three months, and we're already going on the road? What's with that?"

"I told you, Sean..."

"Yeah, it's been in the works. You already said that. I've never been on my own, okay? You can't just spring this on me."

"So you're afraid. Is that it?"

"Did I say I was afraid?"

"Not in so many words. I can see it on your face. You're coming with us because you belong on stage. That's what you want. If you want to break up with me because you think I used you, that's fine, but don't quit the band. They're your friends, too."

"I want to go home," I said. "Take me home."

"Yeah, sure," he said flatly.

On the way home, Levi was dying to speak—as usual— but he kept his mouth shut until he parked his car in front of the house.

"Don't quit," Levi said. "You're the most talented man I'd ever met."

I got out of the car, not saying anything or looking back as I entered the house. Ignoring Aunt Ruth, I stormed into my bedroom, slamming the door. As expected, Ruth knocked to find out why I was so angry.

"Leave me alone, Ruthie!" I shouted, pacing around my room.

"Did something happen with Levi? I knew he'd break your heart."

I stopped pacing and swung my door open.

"He didn't break my heart," I said. "I might be going away for the summer. I don't know."

"Why? Where are you going?"

"The band has a few gigs in New York and Georgia and a few other places, I guess. I wasn't involved in the planning."

"So you're going to leave? Quit your job? What about your psychiatrist and therapist and...?"

"I don't know, okay? I haven't made up my mind."

I didn't give a shit about my shrink or therapist.

In the morning, I took a long drive by myself, listening to music as I pondered my predicament. After my drive, I stopped at Memphis's place. She was always blunt and honest with me, more so than Levi. She didn't care if she hurt my feelings.

Memphis's partner, Melissa, opened the front door. Dressed in cargo shorts, hoodie, and hiking boots, she looked like she was either about to go for a hike or mountain biking. I had never been to their place, but I didn't know where else to go. I didn't want to go home.

"Hey, Ezra," Melissa said. "What brings you here?"

"I just need to talk to Memphis. Is she here?"

"Yeah, come on in. I was just leaving, anyway."

Melissa walked past me and out the front door while Memphis emerged from the kitchen. She was wearing black shorts and a white t-shirt. I didn't mean to look at her chest, but she wasn't wearing a bra, so I couldn't help myself. She combed her fingers through her tangled blond hair. She looked as though she had just gotten up and it was close to noon time.

"Sorry," I said. "Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"No," she said. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah... I... um... Levi and I had a fight. It was my fault, though. It's just... well... I'm nervous about this whole idea of playing in other states and... I don't know... I said some stupid things because that's what I do. I run my mouth and scare people off."

"Come in. Sit down," she said, pointing to a nearby couch. Today she wasn't wearing long sleeves under her t-shirt. Maybe because I showed up unannounced. I didn't get a good look at her arms until I sat beside her on the couch.

"What's Melissa think?" I asked, slightly distracted by her shirt and the faded scars on her wrists. "Is she going with you?"

"No. She's not going. Someone has to pay the rent."

"Yeah. I don't know how Levi plans on paying his rent. My aunt would never let him stay rent-free," I said.

"Levi always has a plan. You're coming with us, right? There's no band without you."

"I need to make a playlist. I think I'm going to add You Know I'm No Good to it. You know that song, right?"

"Yeah. Amy Winehouse."

"I think she wrote that song with me in mind. That song is totally me," I said.

"She didn't write that song with you in mind unless you knew her. Did you know her?"

"No, of course not," I said. "I have to quit my job."

"Maybe you should just take a leave of absence."

"I've worked there since I was a teenager. They're my friends."

"So are we."

"Really? You wouldn't be my friend if I couldn't sing."

"We only met because you could sing. We're still your friend. Tell me you're coming with us. There's no band without you. I think you know that."

I nodded, looking away.

"You should apologize to Levi," she said. "He's super sensitive."

I nodded again. "Are you really a gold star lesbian?"

"What?" she laughed. "Who told you that?"

"Levi."

"Of course he did," she muttered. "Yes, I suppose I am. Sometimes Levi thinks he knows everything."

"What do you mean, you suppose?" I said, making eye contact with her.

"I fooled around with a few guys in high school," she said. "That was before I realized I liked girls. I've never gone all the way with a guy, though."

"How long have you been with Melissa?"

"A year and a half," she said.

I reached for her hand and held out her arm, examining her scars. "When'd you do this?" I asked, pretending I didn't notice the goosebumps on her arms.

"High school," she said, swallowing hard as I traced the scars with my finger. "I thought they'd be more faded by now."

"I've never cut myself. I hate the sight of blood. Why'd you do it?"

"I thought I was in love. She was my first. She wasn't in love with me, though. I was just a plaything to her. She used me."

"You slit your wrists over a girl?"

"No, it was more than that," she said. "It was just the final straw. It was a shitty year, you could say."

"I'm bringing you down, aren't I? You want me to sing you a song? My mother used to sing to me whenever I was down. Well, she sang to me all the time, but more when I was sad."

"What was your favorite song as a kid?"

"Rainbow Connection."

"I love that song. Sing it for me. There's a guitar in my room. I'll go get it." She ran to her bedroom and returned with an old acoustic guitar. "This used to be my dad's."

Like Levi, she was a captive audience, leaning against the couch as I played, her eyes focused on me.

"That almost makes everything better," she said after I finished. "You're amazing, Ezra."

I didn't deserve any compliments. "I should go," I said. "I need to talk to Levi."

"Yeah, okay. Come by any time."

I had an uncomfortable urge to touch her, to fall into her arms and press my chest against hers, to feel her soft skin against mine, to let my hands roam over her curves. Women didn't frighten me. I found comfort in the arms of a woman... any woman, but all I thought about was Memphis's arms.

"I'm not quitting the band," I said, standing up.  "I'm going to talk to Levi."

As I sat in my car, I found Amy Winehouse and started a new playlist, the Ezra is an Asshole playlist.