A/N This chapter may be triggering. Also, it's okay to hate the character. Just don't hate the writer. This story is about the horrors of bipolar disorder.

Also, I've been watching a lot of Wes Anderson movies lately (it's been a ritual for me and my son over the past few Saturdays, starting with the Royal Tenenbaums), so some of these later chapters and song choices are inspired, in a way, by his movies.

By day, the five of us worked together, writing new songs. Although I didn't have formal education in music, I felt like I made a fair contribution. Levi and I in particular came up with some interesting lyrics.

Everything was going great, except for one thing: I didn't pack enough medication, and I didn't have any refills. I got so caught up in everything, I totally forgot about my appointments. My mental health history seemed unimportant and insignificant right now. There were so many other things going on, I didn't have time to think.

Due for my morning dose of lithium, I discovered I had one pill left. We weren't scheduled to go home for another six weeks. I didn't call my shrink because I didn't want to hear another lecture from him. Sean got us some extra gigs in Athens, Georgia, working on getting a few in Austin or Houston, so we were super busy. I didn't know the difference between the two cities. (I apologize for anyone from Texas for my ignorance.) Likewise, I only had one pill left of Seroquel and Wellbutrin. I already had insomnia problems. Without Seroquel, I was doomed, but I went about everything as if I weren't.

No, I'll be okay, I tricked myself into believing. I'll smoke some weed and I'll be fine.

"Everything okay?" Levi asked, standing in the bathroom doorway as I shoved my prescription bottles back in my bag.

"Yeah," I said. "Fine."

I didn't want to tell Levi I fucked up. It was bad enough I told him about my parents. Instead, after two weeks without medication, I confided in Memphis. Because she'd had her own issues in the past, I could relate to her. If I told Levi, he would have just gotten scared and overly concerned.

Memphis and I went shopping together while everyone went off doing something else. Levi wasn't much of a shopper. Neither Memphis nor I ever mentioned her kiss. I think she was embarrassed about it, and I didn't want to embarrass her any further. I wanted to be her friend, not her boyfriend. Everyone needed friends, right? I already had a boyfriend and I liked it that way, no matter how much I liked Memphis, no matter how much I liked her curves and soft skin.

However, I loved Levi and everything about him... his slender frame, the tufts of dark hair down the center of his chest, his penis and balls and how much I loved touching and kissing them, how much I loved him inside me and how much I loved being inside him.

"I have to tell you something," I told Memphis. "First, I'm having a great time. Secondly, I ran out of medication. I have problems, as you know, and..."

"How long ago did you run out?" she interrupted me.

"Two weeks ago, but I'm doing all right."

So far I hadn't felt any different.

"This is bad, Ezra."

"Don't lecture me," I said, but she didn't listen to me. "You yourself told me lithium saved your life and now you haven't been taking it? Ezra, you could get really sick."

"I feel fine. Maybe I don't need it anymore."

"A psychiatrist should be the one to tell you that. Does Levi know?"

"No. Only you would understand."

"Can't you call your psychiatrist or something? Wouldn't that be the smart thing to do?"

"I'm tired of shrinks."

She shook her head disapprovingly.

"Okay," I sighed. "I'll call him when I get home."

But I wasn't fine. I tricked myself into thinking I was fine.

Everything was happening so fast, and I didn't understand any of it. I wasn't on social media. For someone my age, I was clueless. I didn't understand how things worked or how quickly something could go "viral." Apparently, I recorded something on YouTube—that I couldn't remember doing—wearing nothing but my guitar, a video that caused a sensation for some reason. It's not like my dick or balls were hanging out. My guitar covered the important bits. Levi must have been out when I made it, and I figured out how to upload the video myself to our YouTube channel.

So I did crazy shit like that, which made us become more and more popular. I was also prone to walking on stage in my underwear. Everyone just chalked it up to my personality. From the minute Levi met me, he considered me "eccentric." No one stopped me from doing it.

People thought I was funny. Even when I wasn't manic, I was comical.

Sean informed us that some late night show invited us to be on TV. Did I really deserve to be on TV? Did any of us?  But me, in particular, deserved shit. The anniversary of my parents' deaths was coming up, and I realized I should be with them. I couldn't live like this anymore. My mind was going all the time. Even at night, it was going, so I had no rest. I was exhausted yet couldn't do anything about it. Sleep would never come.

My preoccupation with dying started minutes after I knocked on Memphis's door in the middle of the night. In only a t-shirt and pink panties, she opened the door, her long blond hair disheveled. My mind was going a mile a minute.

"I wanna show you how to play gin," I said, holding a deck of cards in my hand.

"Now?"

"Yeah. Herbert taught me how," I said, entering her room. "He told me how to play poker, too, but we weren't supposed to play poker. I hate rules, don't you?"

"Who's Herbert?"

"A guy at the senior center. I miss my friends." I plopped down on her bed and shuffled the cards.

"Does Levi know you're here?" she asked, still standing at the door.

"No, he's sound asleep. He won't bother us."

As I shuffled, I decided that tomorrow was the day I was going to die. Fuck the band. Fuck music. Fuck Levi and Aunt Ruth and Uncle David. Fuck life. Fuck this roller coaster ride of emotions.

Fuck gin.

I dropped the deck of cards on the floor and went to Memphis. I was going to give her a night to remember, my last night on Earth.

"I don't want to play gin," I said, holding her small waist. I pressed my lips on hers. She didn't resist, responding to my kisses. Maybe if she wasn't depressed or lonely and she didn't like me in a romantic way, she would have reminded me I had a boyfriend and that I was mentally unbalanced. We all knew I didn't deserve Levi, anyway. I deserved no one.

Maybe Memphis and I deserved each other.

In each other's arms, we collapsed on her bed. She moaned, enjoying my kisses and fingers inside her panties. She showed no signs of apprehension.

As I knelt between her legs, I slipped her panties off. I pushed her legs apart and licked her, peering up at her. She draped her arm over her forehead, biting her bottom lip, her body squirming on the bed.

I hovered back over her, her breathing shallow. Neither of us spoke. She was so wet, I slipped easily inside her. She clung to me, moaning against my neck, squeezing my ass. Before I came, I withdrew. With no fear, she took my cock in her mouth, letting me finish. I then scooted back down her body, culminating between her legs.

I had never made a woman cry out like that before. Holding her face in my hands, her back arched. I loved the taste and found myself getting hard again.

And I hated myself all over again. I was glad I was going to die.

I released Memphis and plopped down beside her. The two of us stared at the ceiling, her hand on my stomach.

"In case I forget to tell you, I had a good time," I said. "You're beautiful and don't feel guilty. Everyone knows I'm no good, anyway."

"That's not true, Ezra."

"Bullshit. I wouldn't be here if I was a good person. I gotta go," I said, getting off the bed.

"You don't have to go," she said, sitting up. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I hated this feeling, these old feelings I hadn't felt in a long time. "I don't want you to go. I'm worried about you. I know that look. We don't have to tell Levi. Don't go. We'll talk."

"I don't want to talk," I said. "I just came here to fuck you. And you lied to me."

"What do you mean?"

"I wasn't the first guy you were with." There was something about her movements and moans, the way she guided my head, the way she squeezed my ass, pushing me down harder on her... the way she sucked my cock until I came. All those things told me she'd been with a man. She showed absolutely no hesitation. "Goodnight, Memphis."

Before she said anything else, I left, returning to my room. Levi was still asleep and hadn't realized I had left the room. I shed my clothes and got back into bed. I kissed the back of his shoulder, running my hand down his backside.

Tomorrow I'm going to die. I better make the most of my last night on Earth.

"Wake up, Levi," I whispered in his ear. He was barely awake when I made my way inside him.

"You smell different," he said as I breathed against his neck.

He most likely smelled Memphis's orgasm on my lips. I deserve to die. No one will miss me, anyway. Levi had never been with a woman so he didn't know how a woman's orgasm smelled or tasted.

I rolled Levi onto his stomach, making love to him for the last time. Kissing the side of his neck, I clutched his hands in mine. He deserved someone better than me. He wasted five months on me, just because I could sing. He fell in love with my voice. I hated all this paranoia. It was time to go.

Although I hated razors or the sight of blood, I didn't see any other way. I had no pills, and I was unaware of any bridges in the area since I'd never been to Georgia.

I hummed the Velvet Underground's Stephanie Says. I had been in a Velvet Underground/Lou Reed kind of mood lately.

"She's not afraid to die..." I sang in Levi's ear.